Sunday, September 20, 2009

Five things you should NOT have learned from cable television

We are all familiar with the arguments about the detriments of cable television.

Neil Postman, in Amusing Ourselves to Death, posits a future where we sacrifice the rational argument of print for the soma like bliss offered to us by limitless channels—and he argues, convincingly, that television as a format can only muster a certain level of intelligence. He draws, of course, on the ideas of Marshall McCluhan in his seminal work Understanding Media. And in a deeper sense, Daniel Boorstin’s The Image ponders whether what we see on television is authentic at all, and that it should be termed a “pseudo-event.”

But these are highly abstract arguments (and possibly refuted in Steven Johnson’s recent book Everything Bad is Good For You) while we at G:TB are concerned with more practical matters. Here is a more utilitarian guide for the children of cable; a list of five specific behaviors presented on the screen that in NO WAY should be emulated-- and if it is too late, they should never be repeated, and never mentioned again.

1. Christian Slater’s signature greeting in Heathers.

Any constantly repeated signature greeting is annoying (whether it is verbal-- like this example-- or physical, such as a particularly cool head-nod or the two fingers pointed pistol style augmented by a "heeeyyyy") and J.D.'s “greetings and salutations” is particularly smarmy. Avoid it and its ilk.



2. Tom Cruise’s dance in Risky Business.

God forbid you ever got into your tighty-whiteys and did this, although, oddly, the scene would work fine if it were Heather Graham in the exact same pair of underwear, dancing to the same stupid song.



3. Reciting the first two rules of Fight Club, replacing the words “Fight Club” with something from your own life.

Example: The first rule of play group is you do not talk about play group . . .

4. Saying “Hey, bud, let’s party” in the style of Spicoli.

Great movie, great character, great line . . . but you are not Spicoli.

5. Using Mork from Ork’s signature greeting “Na Noo Na Noo.”

Actually, this is one is okay. And so is this psychedelic cartoon trailer featuring Mork, Mindy, references to Happy Days, and a pig in uniform.

50 comments:

rob said...

the first rule of gtb is: no new content on sundays

rob said...

paging teejay...paging teejay. you're needed in the design studio. stat.

TJ said...

I'll try to work on the html code debacle during the 1pm games.

TR said...

Z-Man and I at the Jets game. Good day to day-drink.

Dave said...

sunday is the only morning i have time to write more than a sentence. what is an html code debacle?

TJ said...

Go Jets

And Dave, all it means is on some of the web browsers your post looks like a ransom note.

Dan said...

it's great living in jacksonville area...having tix to game but not going for variety of reasons, being at home, wanting to watch said game, but not being able to - do you see the irony there?

TJ said...

I've never even heard of the guy who just caught a TD on, you guessed it, DeAngelo Hall.

Whitney said...

Redskins Sunday Game Plan: how much can we dominate a team we lose to?

Also: quick-hitter passes around the goal line must be dropped and/or popped into the air. It's more fun for the fans.

Whitney said...

And is there any way we can play the 2nd half without referees? Hey, that party last night was awesome, but how about the really cool cops that kept responding to noise complaints every 10 minutes!

rob said...

dave, you of all people should know that you can set a post to go up at a future time.

TJ said...

Come on Jason Campbell. I mean, really.

Geoff said...

I predicted a 16-13 Skins win today and I may have overshot the number of points. This team is so incompetent it offends me. I'm debating not watching anymore games for a while. Its just not any fun.

TJ said...

Right now, the Saints have more points than the Rams/Skins/Raiders/Chieves/Jags combined. This is hard to watch.

Geoff said...

Odds Zorn gets fired? Realistically, probably a long shot. But...again...I'd be okay with it. After today's upcoming loss, the Skins will be 2-8 in their last 10 games under Zorn...with two losses to the Rams, who have 3 wins in their last 17.

TJ said...

They're going to lose 14-12, aren't they?

TJ said...

Nice work Zorny. I approve.

Geoff said...

Was that fourth down call ballsy or desperate? Either way, it was the only enjoyment I've gotten out of this game.

Geoff said...

Yep...FG here. Give up the TD with about 10 secs left. Zorn gets fired in the locker room.

Geoff said...

Going for this again is...surprising...

TJ said...

Oh lord...

Geoff said...

Wow. 14-12? Nope. How about 10-9.

TJ said...

JaMarcus was 7 of 24 for 109 yds, and the Raiders still won. That is all.

TJ said...

W. sitting next to Madden at the Cowboys/Giants game. Frank Caliendo's head just exploded.

zoltan said...

My sunburn is ferocious.

Jerry said...

My suntan is impregnable.

zoltan said...

I want to eat your children. All praise due to Allah.

zoltan said...

The Cardinals have a running back name LaRod Stephens-Howling. No apostrophe, but he has four capital letters and a hyphen.

TR said...

Happy Autmnal Equinox Eve to all my playas out there.

zoltan said...

Can someone add a little content here to keep me entertained?

rob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rob said...

this content would seem new and interesting to you if dave didn't fuck up the first rule of g:tb.

but i've got a sweet bert and ernie video teed up and ready to go.

Dan said...

thank you zoltan...and rob of course

TJ said...

It's a cying shame some comments get deleted.

TR said...

Cying? Does that mean Cy Young-esque?

zoltan said...

I'm taking matters into my own hands.

http://tinyurl.com/rxnmah

Dan said...

looks like something will get posted just in time for me to leave the office, after which i'm on my time...

Whitney said...

Your time? Great movie, great character, great line . . . but you are not Mr. Hand, Dan.

Then again, thinking about it, maybe you are.

Mark said...

I'll have a diary of my trip to Auburn up sometime laster this week. Provided I can piece enough of the details together (and the appropriate pics), it should be a good one.

TR said...

Have any bands "grown up" better than the Chili Peppers and Green Day? I never gave two shits about these bands' music a decade ago, but they have put out some great stuff over the last few years.

Whitney said...

In my mind, it was a case of these bands pulling out of potentially career-ending slides back into greatness. I thought Mother's Milk, BloodSugarSexMagik, and Dookie were all phenomenal. What came after these records in the mid-90's was relatively stale and dull, and I figured they were headed for the scrap heap. With Californication and American Idiot, though, both bands really rebounded brilliantly. Comeback Players of the Year.

I might throw Pearl Jam into the same cauldron. I've really liked what Eddie & Co have done the last few times out after not giving a crap for quite a few years.

TR said...

I have to admit Pearl jan has been an after-thought for me for quite some.

And Sean Penn shoving Eddie Vedder in my ears every 10 minutes during Into the Wild soured me on him and detracted from the film.

rob said...

my opinion of pearl jam changed dramatically after seeing them live and subsequently hearing more of their live stuff - they kill it in front of an audience. my love of green day's recent work is well documented. at least in my own mind.

the chilis, though, haven't been as good in my mind as billie joe and the boys. may have to give 'californication' another chance.

Mark said...

To me, The Chili Peppers haven't been very strong since Californication. They've gotten a little too formulaic with their approach to making albums since then. I enjoyed BloodSugarSexMagik and Mother's Milk immensely and still listen to both of them.

For whatever reason, I've never been a huge Green Day fan. I acknowledge their talent and greatness, they just don't do it for me. As for Pearl Jam, I love Ten and Vs. They lost me for a bit when they focused more on railing against the establishment for a period there. They've made a tremendous comeback and have produced soem high quality music in recent years. I haven't listened to them a ton though as I've spent much more time listening to new music that more in my wheelhouse.

Speaking of which, Kid Cudi's new album is pretty fucking terrific.

Mark said...

For anyone interested (TJ), the infamous 'duster' episode of Intervention is on right now.

TR said...

I just watched 30 seconds of Intervention, pushed Record and said wow out loud.

zoltan said...

Yet another reason why I can't take DC seriously:

http://tinyurl.com/mwkw4h

The DC city council is CONSIDERING adopting a code of ethics. Are you fucking kidding me? Type "code of ethics" and then any random letter into google. The autofill gives you codes of ethics for deaf interpreters, food services, graphic designers, game developers, hairdresers, and Jamaican teachers. And that's just from running my finder across the middle row of keys. But the folks who run the local government of our nation's capital, the fucking capital of the free world, don't subscribe to a code of ethics?! How did that happen?

The fact that Marion Barry is on the DC city council is merely a secondary source of disbelief.

Mark said...

The Dolphins are currently running the worst 2 minute drill of all time.

Whitney said...

I think Mark, unintentionally or not, just evoked the spirit of music nicely. He gets that Green Day is cool and does good things, it just ain't for him. And fucking-A, whether it's music or any other art medium, it's all about personal taste and how it all strikes you. And Billie Joe Armstrong would support Mark's call that Green Day is not so good more than anybody.

So when I am telling you that Cracker's recent release is the best thing you've heard all year, we both acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, you may think it's dreck and that I am a moron. (But you won't.)

Dan said...

cracker heh? interesting...i used to like them half a head of hair ago. maybe i'll check it out. just maybe though.