And So It Begins...

Or began, depending on how much interest you had in last night’s pigskin festivities, or what you think we’re about to discuss. But we digress. As most of you are aware, this crisp and sunny Labor Day weekend brings us a full slate of college football. Hidden amid the forest of slaughterhouse tune-ups scheduled by the majors to get a scrimmage that counts against a small school whose AD will sacrifice his squad's pride for a six-figure paycheck (we’re looking at you Ohio State, Penn State, Georgia Tech, UNC, Texas and Florida) are a few trees that should bear some luscious pieces of viewing fruit.

Before we segue into any more oddly suggestive references that barely relate to the story, allow us to present you with a preview of some of this weekend’s red hot pigskin action.

Cincinnati (+5.5) vs. Rutgers in the Dirty JerzWe’ll start with the weekend’s most riveting game – the Big East showdown between the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers and the Bearcats of Cincinnati that got moved up because somebody thinks it will make riveting television on a sunny Labor Day afternoon. Many are picking Rutgers to win the conference this year, which would bestow onto them the honor of being (arguably) the 31st best team in a country. They could head to a BCS bowl game to get their heads handed to

them by a disappointed SEC or Big 12 school. Even the ACC schools are grimacing at the mediocrity in the Big East, as different pundits have picked Rutgers, West Virginia, Pitt, or Cincy to be crowned King of the Dipshits.

Here’s what we know about the game. The finest folks in the greater Brunswick region will be out en masse to celebrate Rutgers’ $100 million stadium expansion. They know they need to root root root for the home team this year because the school is a Joe Paterno broken hip away from possibly losing its coach to a bigger program. Rutgers returns all of its offensive line, anchored by left tackle Anthony Davis, a future first-round pick. But it is weak and inexperienced on all of the skill positions, including quarterback, a position that some argue is important.

There was a five-man race for the starting QB position, but many competitors fell by the wayside early. DC Jefferson transferred to tight-end. And Jabu Lovelace showed that he can’t pass and will stay on as the team’s Wildcat option. True freshman Tom Savage (no relation to Randy) (seriously, we couldn't get a Hector Savage joke here? that would've been really indicative of gtb and it's culture) was the most impressive of the lot and will start the year as the back-up, though he will likely log a lot of playing time. For now, the team’s starting quarterback is the aptly named New Jersey product Dom Natale.

So Rutgers will need to get their running game established to be a force this year. They will do so with great aplomb for most of this season, as Davis and Manasquan, NJ resident Art Forst bowl over the undersized defensive lines in the conference week in and week out. We’ll spare you with the preview on Cincinnati because one of us has to go to a meeting and do some “real work.” Rutgers is favored by 5.5. Will they cover? Fuhgeddaboudit.

Alabama vs. Virginia Tech (+6.5) @ Atlanta, GA

Alabama jumped back into the national picture ahead of schedule last year, rising all the way to

the top spot in the national rankings before Florida asserted itself and Utah exposed the undermotivated Tide in the Sugar Bowl. Now, in Nick Saban’s third year, he’s scrambling like all hell to destroy the tapes of his one-night stand with Rick Pitino’s nanny in the bathroom of Tuscaloosa’s finest barbecue joint. No, sorry, that’s not true. Though really, would it surprise you? Saban’s actually working to break in a new quarterback after the seemingly interminable and sometimes not entirely dreadful John Parker Wilson era finally came to a close. Greg McElroy takes the helm of a squad that will once again be led by a nasty defense, so long as its players can avoid getting shot. Or getting caught violating NCAA rules. Or catching the flu. Can we start the season already?

Frank Beamer’s Hokies enter the season the 7th-ranked team in the nation, with optimism running neck and neck (i get jokes) with binge drinking on the leaderboard in Blacksburg. Tyrod Taylor gets the ball as the unquestioned starting quarterback now that Sean Glennon’s moved on to nursing school. Taylor’s feet will be as important as his arm (2 TD passes vs. 7 rushing TDs in 2008) until one of Tech’s green tailbacks establishes himself – the loss of sophomore tailback Darren Evans looms large for the Hokies. As usual, Bud Foster’s defense will be a ballhawking force, and the Hokie special teams will scare the living bejesus out of too many opponents.

I live in ACC country. The ACC is an awesome, awesome conference. In basketball. ACC football defines major-college mediocrity. It says here that there’s no way on Tim Tebow’s green earth an ACC team is the 7th-best squad in the country. Alabama struggles to move the ball in the early going as McElroy gets his legs under him against the Hokie defense, but puts this one away in the second half. Remember what LSU did to Tech the last time Frank Beamer’s boys faced an SEC team? This one won’t be quite as hide-your-eyes ugly, but ‘Bama will be the one that emerges with national title hopes intact. (did you guys know rob likes Alabama? well, he does, he really really likes them)

William & Mary @ Virginia (NL)
Bonus prognostication courtesy of the alma mater, as W&M begins Jimmye Laycock’s 31st season at the helm with a money grab in Charlottesville. The Tribe’s got a history of throwing a scare or two into the Hoos, winning in 1987, leading at halftime in 1988, dropping 35 points on then-No. 1 UVA in 1989 (allowing 63, but that’s not the point), and keeping several more recent games close. Ish. Tribe faithful expect to lose this one, and probably by three touchdowns. We also expect to encounter scores of overprivileged and undereducated (and overdressed) students on the UVA ‘grounds’.

Uh oh, is that Mark's music?
I'm sitting here watching South Carolina and NC State take offensive football back decades with their collective ineptitude on College Football's opening night for the second straight year and, besides thanking God that I was able to witness Spurrier (Osaka!) in his prime during my tenure at the University of Florida (as opposed to now which is somewhat like watching Pedro Martinez over the last few years), I'm wondering why the fuck ESPN would choose to give us these two terrifically mediocre and milquetoast programs on opening night...for the second straight year. Then I remembered, because its College Football and people like you and I would watch Presbyterian take on Methodist (they are both real colleges, both in North Carolina if memory serves) tonight we're so hard up for football. Hell, I don't even mind the sound of Jesse Palmer's voice tonight. The moral of the story, of course, is that football is back and we're all better for it. Even if we are outwardly worse people because of it.

For example, I'll be in Gainesville this weekend and I'll do more this Saturday (drink, tailgate, watch football, drink, eat grilled meats, drink, watch football, drink, ogle coeds, drink, pass out) than I've done over the last three weekends combined. Will the Gators destroy Charleston Southern? You're damn fucking right. Will they cover the insane 73 point spread? Ummmm, no. I'd advise you to stay away from betting on or against the Gators this weekend. However, if you can find a casino to give you odds on how long I'll actually be inside The Swamp on Saturday night, well, bet the house and bet the under. This guy will most assuredly be drinking, watching football and making inappropriate comments in the other Swamp before halftime...and loving every fucking minute of it.

I also thought it would be fun to still include Mark's pick for last night's Oregon/Boise St game:

As for football games that might actually matter this weekend, few are as intriguing as Thursday night's Boise St.-Oregon (+3.5) tilt. Both teams run wide open offenses, both teams have high hopes for this season and both teams hail from towns with great weed (don't sleep on Boise folks). On top of that, Oregon's been making noise about Boise State taking cheap shots during last year's game in Eugene AND Boise State's BCS hopes ride completely and totally on a victory on the smurf turf. (Look at their schedule, they've got nobody else with any cache nationally once they get past the Ducks). I want to take Boise here but I feel like Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli's just too good and motivated (he was knocked out of last year's game on one of the aforementioned "cheap shots") to let the Ducks lose tonight. Oregon wins by a TD, Masoli runs for 2 TDs, throws for 3 more and I end up so high by the 4th quarter that I'm eating cookie dough while quacking at my dogs every time Oregon gets a first down.

And since TR went to the 'pen to have me format this mess of a post (content A+, font matching F-), I figure I might as well throw a game/pick at you as well...now lookee here, this game seems perfect:

Tulsa @ Tulane

Tonight, ESPN, 8pm (brought to you by Joe Tessitore and, ugh, Rod Gilmore)

OK, let's see. Conference USA decides to kick off their season with this "marque" match-up? A Tulane team that went 2-10 last year and has been mediocre for much of the last decade vs. a Tulsa team that lit up scoreboards last year en route to an 11-3 record? CUSA Football, it's Mediocr-awesome. What do I know about these two teams?* Very, very little, especially now that David Johnson and "offensive genius" Gus Malzahn have left Tulsa. But, I'm pretty sure new Tulsa QB GJ Kinne will find Damaris Johnson and Slick Shelley (fantastic name) multiple times in the Superdome end zone tonight, and Tulane will be poor to quite poor across the board. I believe Tulsa is a two touchdown favorite here - take 'em.

*Wait, I just remebered what I did know about these two schools. The mascots (I sound like Diane Chambers). I'm pretty sure the Tulsa (Golden) Hurricane will have no trouble destroying New Orleans-based Tulane. If I were Green Wave coach Bob Toledo, I'd just open my post-game presser by blaming the Army Corps of Engineers for the deluge of points allowed and subsequent loss.