Wednesday, July 02, 2008

When I Win the Lottery

I’m gonna donate half my money to the city, so they have to name a street or a school or a park after me.

Wait, no. That’s what David Lowery’s gonna do. I have no real desire for public acclaim. My tastes run more to the experiential. So when I win the lottery (for the sake of argument, let’s say I walk with an after-tax lump sum of $100m, because, really, anything less isn’t worth the effort, and let’s assume I can get 5% a year on that money in a CD of some sort, giving me at least $2m after taxes in income each year, even though it’d be less if I spend some of the lump, and let’s further assume that this parenthetical thought will end at some point in our lifetimes, freeing us all up to keep reading), here’s what I’ll do:

I’ll quit my job. Natch. Sort of a no-brainer, that one. But I don’t want to sit around and do nothing all day, as I get bored really easily. To combat the boredom, I’ll buy a minor league baseball team, preferably one in or near either a coastal location or a college town on the East Coast. The Charleston (SC) RiverDogs fit the bill, and have the added benefit of being in Charleston, which is a terrific town. Cost: $3m or so for a Class A franchise, according to a recent Forbes.com survey.

Since I’ll be spending a significant amount of time in Charleston, I’ll need a condo there, which will probably set me back $1.0m or so, ‘cause I ain’t goin’ out like no punk bitch.

And while I’m not really into fancy wheels, my current ride does have 130,000 tough miles on it and I can’t be spending my hard-earned money and newly-valuable time heading back and forth to the auto mechanic’s shop. So maybe a Tesla S for kicking around town and Mini Cooper for commuting between my world headquarters in Northern Virginia and the new Charleston compound. Let’s pencil in $100k for automotive purchases.

I’ll set up a personal distribution system for Oskar Blues Brewery in Lyons, CO, so they can send me product on a regular basis. I figure a donation of $50k should keep me in Dale’s Pale Ale for the foreseeable future. And since I'll want a place to drink it where everybody knows my name, I'll buy a restaurant/bar for my friend Johnny, which is something I've always wanted to do. Call that another $1.5m.

A pause for pragmatism here for a moment, if I may. I’ll set aside $2.5m to take care of educational expenses for my children, my nieces and nephews, and the children of a handful of friends. If you’re not sure whether you’re one of those friends, you’re probably not. But you should remember this pledge when you see me next, because you never know where my magnanimity may land.

I’ll be making an annual trip to a major music festival, be it Jazz Fest, SXSW, Bonnaroo, Bumbershoot, or one of several others, and I’ll be bringing friends. We’re springing for luxury accommodations, because a man my age can’t be sleeping in the muck with all the neo-hippies. I figure $50k a year for the whole shooting match gets 15 of us to at least one great set of shows annually.

Because I won’t be driving to New Orleans, Austin, Whereverthehell, Tennessee, or Seattle, I’ll buy a fractional ownership in a Gulfstream for $250,000. I’ll also need it to go to the NCAA Final Four and the College Football National Championship game (but only after the BCS is abolished – I’m boycotting it until then).

I almost forgot about The Compound, the place we've always pledged to build if one of us strikes it rich. That's gonna take $20m or so to get up and running (less if real estate values out here in the country keep falling), but it'll have housing for at least 5 families and an inexhaustible supply of silliness and recreational equipment.

Man, $100m is a shitload of money. I’ve only dropped $28.5 large and I’m struggling to come up with new stuff to buy. I’m not a gadget guy. I don’t need a lot of fancy clothes since I won’t be working and all the t-shirts I need I can get at the aforementioned rock shows. I don’t care all that much to winter somewhere warm, because I like a little diversity in my seasons. I guess I’ll get a really good mountain bike ($5k), spring for an HDTV ($3k), and grab Red Sox and Nationals season tickets (the Gulfstream will come in handy for trips to Boston) for another $10k. I’ll set aside another $250k for travel, which leaves me with nearly $72 million with which to play. Okay, $60m – I suppose I’ll set up the Gheorghe: The Blog Foundation and give away a bunch of cabbage to organizations dedicated to making the world a sillier place (we'll focus heavily on kids' causes), and I'll establish Gheorghe: The Political Action Committee to funnel money to Gheorghey politicians (who will, admittedly, be hard to find). But at the end of the day, kids, I’m gonna need some help spending all this money.

Now I just need to start playing the lottery.

47 comments:

TJ said...

I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.

Whitney said...

"gonna buy all the girls on my block silver-plated six-shooters and a quart of the finest highland scotch..."

Lately Mega Millions has been sucking me in at the local 7-11 the way Powerball used to in Union Station. Sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna win soon.

Whitney said...

You'd better allocate over 100K annually to a good accountant -- we know a few in the Gheorgheosphere -- to keep you out of tax trouble and make sure all of these monies make their way to their rightful place.

It'd be best if there were a CPA and a family physician in the inner sanctum so as to integrate them and their families into the Compound. I myself bring no useful trade but serve primarily as the court jester and master of ceremonies type.

Whitney said...

Oh, and if you're going to be driving around in a Mini-Cooper, you're probably going to also need to hire a PR person (~$60K) to generate some propaganda insisting you're not gay.

Rhymenocerous said...

For the right fee, I would be your Farnsworth (ie, the guy who used to walk next to Puffy on the beach and hold an umbrella up to protect him from the sun). Like Farnsworth, I would do it while wearing a white suit (if the salary was right).

You are a bit pasty, Robby.

Zoltan said...

Whitney beat me to this but I'm going to say it anyway...

If you win $100M you're going to buy a fucking Tesla?!? And a Mini Cooper?!? Did you forget to put your testes on today? Are you going to get a Bichon Frise and a Prada bag to carry it from your Tesla to the salon?

Rhymenocerous said...

For the record, Rob's automobile choices are being mocked by a man who used to drive a Mazda Miata.

I think the rule is that if you ever knowingly owned a Miata, you are only allowed to make fun of men who drive Volkswagon Cabrios and Suzuki Samurais.

Dennis said...

Maybe we should just use the google-sense cash to buy lottery tix weekly.

Whitney said...

I'm not sure what I'd buy in the way of a car, but it wouldn't be over the top Zoltan-style (or femme Rob-style). Something practical with all the options and easy to plug the iPod into.

Real estate is more my target. The Compound will be home base, wherever that may be. Big enough to have our own music festivals for invited guests and replete with a gymnasium, huge pool, music studio, beer cellar, and margarita machine. And an Irish pub with a 24-hour bartender.

And then there are the crash pads in various locales. Again, nothing extravagant, just someplace to stay after partying in the West Village, Garden District, Nob Hill, Aspen (if only so Hightower will have a place to go), the South End, and U Street. A cottage on the Cape. A villa somewhere. A place in the 'Burg to throw keggers, do naked beer slides, and draw the ire of the locals once a year.

And I'll buy my folks and their friends out of the Martha Wood Cottage at Mile Post 12 . . . and pretty much keep it the same, living there when I've spent it all and I'm banished from my other domiciles.

rob said...

yeah, zoltan, that's right. that's what i'm buying. it's my fucking money and i want an electric car, dammit. i'll be far too busy to have time to stop for gas. you're totally not invited to the compound.

rob said...

although i also really like that jaguar sports car. so maybe that, too.

and rhyme, i appreciate the offer, but i'm a man of simple tastes, so i'd rather you just hang out and help pick the music. i'm quite tan at the moment, and really don't require constant shade.

Whitney said...

Plus, when you're as tiny as Rob is, yours is really a rather shaded world.

rob said...

and a mini cooper looks like a hummer.

Whitney said...

...from your buddy.

rob said...

paging dr. freud. paging dr. freud.

Mark said...

Rob...no amount of fantasizing about winning the lottery is going to keep the Sox from getting swept by the Rays tonight...

rob said...

given that it's kazmir on the hill for the tampas, i fear that you are correct.

Whitney said...

He'll throw 110 pitches through six, then the bullpen will allow the Sox to avoid the sweep. You read it here first.

Mark said...

Whitney...no amount of Kazmir bashing will make you forget that he could, nay, should be pitching for your beloved Metropolitans

Rhymenocerous said...

When you have 3rd world blood in you (as I do), you assume everybody else is pasty.

Whitney said...

Mark...shut up. Of course, you're right, but do shut up.

Zoltan said...

I concede that my Miata was effette. But it's still running strong. And until I have $100M, it's the closest thing to a sports car I can afford.

Zoltan said...

I'll let you guys come up with the witty commentary. A preview:

“If you can vote and you have a vagina, you should do these,” she said. “It’s the dental floss of feminine fitness.”

http://tinyurl.com/6khoxv

Samantha said...

Um, hi Rob, have we met? Usually I refrain from commenting and just enjoy the witty banter, but in the case of this particular post, I had to interject. I would think that if your take is 100 million, your wife gets at least a trinket. Have we forgotten the convertible Beamer that a good friend of ours gave his wife just for Mother's Day?

Shlara said...

Rob--Can I submit my resume to be the Exec Director of the Gheorghe Foundation?

And, I can cover the PR work too, related to the very masculine vehicle choice of the Mini Cooper. Minis are made by BMW. Every other red-blodded male lawyer/broker/lobbyist/banker on the Eastern Seabord drives a BWM. You're just choosing to drive the hipster version of said car.

But, you should know, it will cost a little more than the $60K salary that Whit has penciled in the budget. And, as part of the compensation package for leading this very prominent foundation, I'll need you to cover the upgrade of my Wiz season tickets from the 100 level to the Gold VIPs.

rob said...

worlds are colliding here, people.

samantha, tell you what. you can have a swingset. a really fancy one. and that dude who bought his wife a beemer really ruined it for the rest of us.

shlara, you're in, provided we add 'babysitting teejay' to the list of job responsibilities.

Eric (Extra P.) said...

Rob, I love you for quoting Camper Van.

Love.

TJ said...

Teve Torbes can babysit me anytime she wants.

And hello Keeper of rob...welcome to his other home away from home away from home.

Shlara said...

As long as I don't have to be a part of TJ's "two chicks" fantasy, I think I can handle it.

TJ said...

I don't need to point people over to IMDB for my quote, now do I?

Eric (Extra P.) said...

My car would be a Jaguar. Not even the sports car. The fuddy duddy British statesman luxury model would do just fine. You can still get them with a V-12 for when you're feeling frisky.

I think.

Rob has met me, so he can attest that the idea of me riding shotgun in his mini would be high comedy. So I'd have to do that, too. Because anything for a laugh, right?

Mark said...

Since I've never even met Rob I'm not going to pretend that I have any shot of living on the compound/working for one of his foundations or participating in any of the other things he has planned. I think I'll just try to latch on with Greg, or possibly TJ, and randomly show up at events. I mean, once I'm there then you won't throw me out, right? Plus, Shlara thinks I'm funny so maybe she'll let me be her guest occasionally.

Also, I think you need to hire some muscle to take care of this jackass who bought his wife a BMW. That'll be a drop i the bucket when you've got $100 million.

rob said...

mark, there's definitely room in the gulfstream for you on the way to sporting events and the occasional music extravaganza.

Mark said...

Thats great, plus it'll really piss off Burr to have to deal with me.

Rhymenocerous said...

Rob = Vinnie Chase
Whit = Drama

TJ = Turtle?

rob said...

sadly, i'm better cast as 'e', but that made me laugh.

Mark said...

And Burr is the Billy Walsh character...

TJ said...

I have absolutely no problem being Turtle. No problem at all.

And Swint = Gary Busey.

rob said...

this joe buck thing? well, it pisses me off.

rob said...

this is funny 'cuz it's true:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/liberal-bloggers-accuse-o_b_110371.html

opening paragraph:

The liberal blogosphere was aflame today with new accusations that Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) is trying to win the 2008 presidential election.

my fellow democrats are so stupid sometimes.

Greg said...

What Joe Buck thing? Is it about the hooker with dysentery?

KQ said...

Rob, a high roller such as yourself is gonna need some bitches. And then, of course, a limo, cause 'I told you my bitches was in the limousine.'

That's perhaps where the Beaches come in. We can live on the compound and I'll handle the production of our reality tv show (a la The Girls Next Door). But we'll call ours "The Squirrel & His Tail."

Shlara, we'll need a third. You in?

rob said...

he went on the radio this morning (cowherd - that's bad enough) and basically said that he's not that into his job. i mean, i can get behind that sentiment, but i don't have a job that millions of people would kill to have. not yet, anyway.

rob said...

see, if the rest of you came up with ideas like kq's, you'd be stone locks for the compound.

and kq, you keep this up, and the swingset i have to buy samantha is gonna rival the one kobe's wife got.

KQ said...

No need to worry, I talk a big game and fold like a lawn chair.

FYI, my new bookkeeper also works at Tortuga's. I am so dialed in. Methinks I might become your new best friend. Hell for a mere smidgen of your big winnings you can just buy my life.

But seriously, it would be a helluva show, would it not?

rob said...

i think it's safe to say that if 1/10th of the potential of the compound is ever realized, it'd be the best reality show in the history of ever.

mmm, tortuga's.

Lawsuited said...

Well, you need to actually win first. maybe this could help. www.provenwaystowinthelottery.com/