Monday, August 06, 2007

These are not the Inductees you're looking for...

Well, baseball junkies, we had Cal and Tony join the other immortals in Cooperstown this year -- and I hope you enjoyed it, because none of the 2008 newly-eligible players have a chance of making the Hall of Fame next year. I'm not talking about returning candidates (as Whit said "Wow - it's Jim Rice & Jack Morris's best chance next year!"); we at G:TB will just be breaking down those players eligible for the first time. On to the fun...

Luis Alicea - Best Known For: Beaning guys left and right during batting practice when he was manager of the Lowell Spinners; getting selected in the 1st round of 1986 draft, one pick behind Lee Stevens and three rounds ahead of Bo Jackson.

Brady Anderson - Best Known For: Striking out with Cal Ripken Jr. on deck, thus ending the 2001 season and Cal's career; getting sued by a J. Priestley and L. Perry for image copyright infringement; hitting 50 (Creatine-created) home runs in 1996 though his career high otherwise was 24; being rumored to race people in the parking lot after games, mainly so he could give them an "Attaboy" after the race and slap them on the ass.

Alex Arias - Best Known For: Hitting a whopping 18 home runs in 10 major league seasons; playing his final game on Whitney's 32nd birthday (truly, this was as momentous as it got for him).

Andy Benes - Best Known For: Having an equally bland brother Alan; tipping off his slider by gritting his teeth before he threw the pitch (and wanting to kill Todd Jones for tipping batters off to that fact in a Sporting News article); leading the league in strikeouts and losses in one season.

Mike Benjamin - Best Known For: Setting a major league record in 1995 with 14 hits in a three game stretch; going to Arizona State, just like Barry Bonds; originally being drafted by the Giants, just like Barry Bonds; also playing for the Pirates, just like Barry Bonds; otherwise not having anything at all in common with Barry Bonds, except things like "only has one nose" and "originally hails from the Milky Way galaxy."

Dennis Cook - Best Known For: Throwing inside (the earhole), getting in fights, and generally being known as a douchewhistle his whole career; playing for rivals in succession (e.g., ChiSox then Tribe, Mets then Phillies) and being disliked by everyone when the dust settled. Ty Cobb possessed the same demeanor. And was a better pitcher.

Delino DeShields - Best Known For: Being arguably the best hitter to come from Delaware; being called "Delineout" by hecklers and fans; stealing 463 bases (and being caught 147 times); being traded straight up for Pedro Martinez.

Shawon Dunston - Best Known For: Being the only person with this particular alternate spelling of "Sean" in baseball history; getting drafted #1 overall in 1982 (four spots ahead of Whit's buddy Doc Gooden and 15 spots ahead of Rob's buddy Sam Horn; this quote from Mark Grace: ""I owe him (Shawon Dunston) a lot. Nobody would have known how good I was at digging balls out of the dirt if it wasn't for him and all those bad throws."

Chuck Finley - Best Known For: Getting his ass kicked by Whitesnake Jaguar grinder Tawny Kitaen; ranking 22nd all-time in strikeouts yet never leading the league in a season; leading the league in wild pitches twice.

Darrin Fletcher - Best Known For: Retiring midway through the 2002 season (quitter).

Travis Fryman - Best Known For: Being traded to the Arizona Diamondback in 1997, yet never playing a single game for the then-expansion franchise. Two week after he was traded, the D-backs sent him and Tom Martin to the Indians for Matt Williams.

Rich Garcés - Best Known For: Being the most beloved middle reliever in the history of major league baseball, and for making Terry Forster look svelte. El Guapo's eligibility is in some question, as he's currently pitching for the Nashua Pride of the Canadian-American Association of Professional Baseball and semi-legitimately attempting a major league comeback. Gheorghe, for one (four?), is rooting unabashedly for his return, partly because he's a legendarily personable man, and partly because he looks like Grimace in baseball pants.

Chris Haney - Best Known For: Giving up Wade Boggs' 3,000th hit, which just happened to be a home run; getting Bermanized as "Mr. Haney," from the Green Acres character.

Dave Hollins - Best Known For: Being called "Head"; having a large head.

Bobby J. Jones - Best Known For: Attending the same high school as another Mets pitcher, Tom Seaver; being the caucasian Bobby Jones.

David Justice - Best Known For: Skipping the 7th and 8th grades; being married to Halle Berry; being dumb enough to cheat on Halle Berry.

Chuck Knoblauch - Best Known For: Hitting Keith Olberman's mom in the stands at Yankee Stadium with one of his 5,693 errant throws; going from "Fundamentally Sound" Chuck Knoblauch to "Blauch-head" in a span of three years; has recently founded the "Throwing for Dummies" foundation along with Steve Blass, Steve Sax, Mackey Sasser, and another fellow below.

Tom Lampkin - Best Known For: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Darren Lewis - Best Known For: Having Dusty Baker name his kid after him.

Mike Magnante - Best Known For: Being screwed out of his retirement benefits by the acquisition of Ricardo Rincon just a few days before Magnante was to retire (as documented in Moneyball).

Dave Mlicki - Best Known For: Being the only major leaguer whose surname begins with Ml-; pitching a complete game shutout as a Met vs. the Yankees in 1997, the first ever non-exhibition game played between the two teams; being tied with Pedro Martinez and others for 34th all-time on the Mets' Wins list, one behind Dennis Cook (dear lord, the Mets have paper-thin record books).

Mike Morgan - Best Known For: Playing on every goddam team in the league during his 30-year career, which is most likely a record or something (though Kenny Lofton is sure to break Morgan's record sometime in 2014); managing to stay in the league despite having a winning record in 2 of his first 17 seasons.

Robb Nen - Best Known For: Being a tool and nicknaming his slider "The Terminator"; winning a World Series ring in 1997, then being traded away in the most brazen firesale in major league history.

Hipólito Pichardo - Best Known For: A non-descript 10-season career that saw him go 50-44 with a 4.44 ERA.

Tim Raines - Best Known For: Admitting during the Pittsburgh drug trials of 1985 that he would slide headfirst into bases so as not to break the vials of coke he kept in his back pocket; becoming the Expos all-time leader in runs (947), triples (82), walks (793), stolen bases (635), singles (1,163), runs created (925) and times on base (2,440); changing his name to "Rock," then changing it back when everyone called him Tim, anyway.

Armando Reynoso - Best Known For: Being a member of the inaugural Colorado Rockies 1993 team; "earning" $4,125,000 in 2002 when he went 1 2/3 innings (giving up two earned runs).

Henry Rodríguez - Best Known For: Having fans chuck Oh Henry candy bars onto the field at Stade Olympique when he would bat; getting nicknamed "H-Rod," one that never really caught on; "earning" $1.5M in 2001 for the Yankees, when he went 0-for-8 (with 6 K's) on the year.

Lee Stevens - Best Known For: Having the first name DeWain.

Todd Stottlemyre - Best Known For: Having a more famous father and less-talented younger brother; telling then-Philadelphia Mayor Ed Rendell to kiss his ass, after Rendell said he could hit his pitches during the 1993 World Series.

Greg Swindell - Best Known For: Having the first name Forest; winning a ring with Arizona in 2001; going 1-4 with a 7.14 ERA in 1996 but "earning" $4.45M, resulting in Houston-sold editions of Webster's Dictionaries including an alternate spelling of "swindle."

Mike Trombley - Best Known For: Being a huge Ace of Base fan.

John Valentin - Best Known For: Having no relation to Jose (including pronunciation); being one of only 13 players in modern major league history to complete an unassisted triple play; being the pride of Seton Hall.

Randy Velarde - Best Known For: Being a malcontent and asshat at the end of his Yankee tenure; gaining infamy by being mentioned several times in Barry Bonds' favorite bathroom reader, Game of Shadows.

Ed Vosberg - Best Known For: Being one of only two players to play in the Little League World Series, the College World Series, and the MLB World Series (Rob's mancrush Jason Varitek happens to be the other player).

Mark Wohlers - Best Known For: Having his career ended by a three-run Jim Leyritz home run in Game 4 of the 1996 World Series; appearing (along with Gerald Williams and Pedro Borbon, Jr.) in a cameo spot on Helen Hunt-hosted Saturday Night Live in 1997 (which was supposedly wrecked when Wohlers suddenly and inexplicably couldn't locate his cue cards); golfing with Ian Baker-Finch in the off-season.

There you have it -- a veritable Who's Who, or Who? . . . Who?? Bert Blyleven has to be salivating when he reads this post. (And he is, in fact, a big G:TB fan.)

22 comments:

T.J. said...

This sounds like a terrific idea:

Pacman Jones has signed a contract with Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, and he's expected to make numerous appearances as part of the deal, USA Today reported in today's editions. TNA is expected to make an official announcement today. Jones' first TNA appearance is Thursday (Spike TV, 8 p.m.), and his first match is reported to be no later than TNA's No Surrender pay-per-view on Sept. 9 in Orlando. Jones was quoted as saying that wrestling is "something to do, to keep me out of the streets while I have my little off-time from my real job, and, I'm a big fan of wrestling, so I wanted to give it a try."

rob said...

that knoblauch tag is still one of the worst blown calls in baseball history. not that it would have mattered.

T.J. said...

I was very happy when I found that photo.

rob said...

you're having quite a time digging up these photos, aren't you?

T.J. said...

The interweb is a magical place.

MGL said...

Where have you gone, Pat Mahomes?

--MGL

(No longer a Blogger...)

T.J. said...

Fellas, did you realize Lang Campbell is currently the Falcons 4th string QB?

rob said...

as a regular reader of the tribe has spoken, i did, in fact know that.

Geoff said...

That PacMan thing is really difficult to grasp. It's as if he's got a team of guys sitting in a room plotting what the worst possible career move would be at every conceivable turn.

Whitney said...

The Major League Baseball umpires union said Monday that it is refusing to cooperate with a request for background checks from commissioner Bud Selig's office, calling the initiative a "knee-jerk, misguided witch hunt" in response to the NBA betting scandal involving referee Tim Donaghy.

"The league hasn't investigated the umpires in the past thirty years for good reason -- our guys are of the highest ethical standing."


Alrighty. Good enough for me! There is no group of people in all of professional sports quite as above the law as Major League Baseball umpires. It's actually impressive.

They're still wiping the dust off their hands after kicking QuesTech out of the league. Using technology to better the officiating? Don't need it! We're that good. Background checks? Don't need 'em. We're good people.

Then again, the whole league seems to operate that way. Salary cap? No thanks -- it's oppressive, and besides, Kansas City people should be honored that they get to host the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox for a few games every year.

Drug testing? Uh, no thanks -- we don't have a drug problem in our league. Now excuse us while we get back to the multimillion-dollar hoopla to celebrate our new home run king, whose crown is a size 11 1/2 and who is being investigated by the federal government.

T.J. said...

Whoever was the 1st base umpire in yesterday's Nats/Cards game should probably be the first investigated...if you don't believe me, ask Geoff, or Tony LaRussa, whoever is the easier to reach.

T.J. said...

I just checked the box score, and the umpire in question is Mark Wegner. It looks like we are not the first to question his umpiring acumen.

T.J. said...

Shhhhhhh...at this very moment the Jankees are tied for the Wild Card lead...

Jerry said...

Tim Raines, Sr. should be in the HoF. I have a bunch of Greg Swindell rookie cards.

Whitney said...

If Raines had retired a year earlier (forgoing that .191/1/7 finale), he would have inevitably been compared to Gwynn & Ripken, and his chances might have suffered for it. Now... he looks like aces.

Whitney said...

And don't try to sell those Swindell cards in Houston. I'm telling you, man, they're pissed.

Geoff said...

The first base umpire in Sunday's Nats-Cards game was hilariously bad. He was reminiscent of Enrico Pallazo. Safe? Out? Whatever. Who's counting?

Reske Family said...

How about the Tim Raines that was out there every stinking day in the Hole that is Montreal, working his ass off to be a great hitter? Or the guy that after he admitted that he made a mistake, went out there and did it right for another 17 years? Or the guy who never raised his hands above his head to acknowledge that he was the "greatest of all time" (thank you Rickey!)
After it's all said and done, he's a guy that is a borderline HOF'er but I've always seen him as a HOF'er. I'd proudly put him in next to the greats. He's made mistakes but at least he admitted them and that's alot more than McGwire, Bonds, Palmeiro, and Sosa ever have done or more than likely ever will do!

Geoff said...

Sincerely,

Jimmy Raines

Mark said...

Tim Raines always seemed borderlinde HoF to me. Yet, after watching him "manage" the A Ball team I used to work for, well, I'm in support of his candidacy.

He was a true joy to watch. He couldn't be bothered to coach third most nights, NEVER argued calls and was known to enjoy a cocktail (or three) prior to the first pitch. He also managed to start banging a 22 year old intern and eventually leave his wife for her. And he still really enjoys being called "Rock".

Geoff said...

Yep, that put him over the top in my book. thanks Mark. And, by "over the top" I mean "took him from not being even considered" to "first ballot" status.

Greg said...

Rock Raines is one of the all-time treasures of baseball.