Wasn't Wite-Out invited by Monkee Mike Nesmith's mom?

I was all set to make a triumphant return with useless baseball rants (I mean, the Royals? What a debacle) and the traditional oddball news story (Exhibit A your honor), but then I became transfixed watching the Suns/Mavs track meet last night and I decided to go another route (I guess that made me a "Nowitzness"). For 3+ quarters that was a fantastic game, with the Mavs finally pulling away behind the superb play of one Dirk Nowitzki (50 and 12 last night)...and that's where our story begins. Watching Dirk last night, I realized he has already jumped onto one of the most (made up) prestigious lists in NBA history. What list you say? Well, since I am a racist S.O.B. (speaking of racism, if you haven't seen the South Park "Gingers" episode, do so immediately - perhaps the greatest work Cartman has ever done), you might guess where this is going. I started compiling in my head the greatest whiteys to ever grace the NBA hardwood (and I don't want to hear about Dirk being a European whitey rather than a homegrown whitey...he's still pale as a ghost and that gets him on this list) and I feel the Chancellor of the Charity Stripe debuts on the charts at #9, with some serious potential to climb into the Top 5 if his career path continues as it has. Enough rambling from me...GTB is now proud to present the

Top Ten Honkeys in NBA History* (you bet your ass this is a subjective list...just look at #10)

1. Larry Bird - Do I really need to go into any detail here?
2. Jerry West - Yep, the league based its logo on him, that's good enough for me. Though I'll never understand his last few drafts in Memphis.
3. John Havlicek - The first of four Celtics on this list. Too many you say? Get over it assface, I say.
4. Bill Bradley - Runs one helluva political campaign too.
5. George Mikan - I gotta throw the old guy a bone. Besides, who else has a practice drill named after them? As far as I can tell, it's just Mikan and Jimmy Suicide of the 82-83 San Diego Clippers.
6. John Stockton - Why is he above Cousy? Because I actually saw this guy play games, and don't have to catch all his higlights via Zapruder film.
7. Bob Cousy - Bonus points for his complete destruction of the English language during all Celts broadcasts.
8. Kevin McHale - Also makes the prestigious "Ugliest Guys in NBA History" list. Quite an achievement for Kev, but don't expect to see him on any "Best GMs in History" list.
9. Dirk Nowitzki - Sure, the Suns might not be able to guard Lumpless Gravy, but the guy still has been phenomenal in this series (minus Game 4) and the playoffs overall. Dirk Diggler is now the bigtymer he (and Mr. Nelson) always dreamed he could be. Cue the Night Ranger.
10. Gheorghe Muresan - Did you seriously think I would do this list without giving Big Gheorghe props? By the way, since I have been a deadbeat these last two weeks, I probably haven't mentioned that I now have an autographed photo of Gheorghe adorning my cube. Good times indeed.

*Apologies to: Dave DeBusschere, Chris Mullin, Pete Maravich
*A seatbelt and airbag to: Drazen Petrovic, Bobby Hurley
*A flaming bag of poop to: Greg Kite, Luc Longley, Jack Sikma, Tom Chambers (though he was awesome in NBA Jam), Vlade Divac, Dolph AND Danny Schayes
*A first class letter bomb to: Greg Ostertag, Raef LaFrentz