Thursdays with Maury

"I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?"

New York Yankees skipper Joe Torre discusses tonight's ALDS match-up against the Detroit Tigers with Game 1 starter Chien-Ming Wang. (GTB/File/Wang)

Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead

Today is my last day in the office for the week (yes, a very grueling two day work week, with zippy to show for it...it's what we in the biz call a "Whitney Week"). I am off to Denver for work, but a few thoughts before I go....

Hold off on greenlighting "Subway Series 2: When Nature Calls". Despite what many in the media see as a foregone conclusion, the Yankees and the Mets are not a lock to meet in the World Series. With the Tigers clinching the other day, the Twins clinching yesterday, and the A's basically in, it's not a stretch to say the Yankees will have the worst starting pitching of all the AL playoff teams. News that old man Johnson will miss his start Thursday has me even more concerned. Yes, the Yankee line-up is unbelievably stacked, but it's not going to do them a world of good if Mussina and Johnson get bombed early. Johan Santana scares the hell out of me in a short series. I'm sure Jerry and Whit will be dissecting the NL playoffs in greater detail soon, but I'll just say that with Pedro banged up and the Padres looking like a lock for the playoffs I would be concerned as a Mets fan right now. Sure, the Mets line-up is every bit as potent as the Yankees' (if not more), but that Padres pitching staff is damn good (second in the league in ERA, potential Hall of Fame closer, great set-up guys). Short series are scary, and the best team doesn't always win...here's hoping (for my sake) the Yankees and Mets can fight past their pitching deficiencies, but don't be surprised if we get Detroit or Minnesota or Oakland vs. San Diego in the World Series a month from now (yep, I completely discounted whoever the other two NL playoff teams are...you should too).

We might be witnessing an epic meltdown by the St. Louis Cardinals. A week ago the Cards had the NL Central in the bag, leading the Astros by 7 games. Then they traveled to Houston and forgot how to play baseball. Today, their lead is 2.5, with the Astros winning six straight and St. Louis losing 6 straight. Included in both those streaks is the Astros bludgeoning of St. Louie over the weekend. The Cards finish with San Diego and Milwaukee at home, while Houston is on the road facing Pittsburgh and Atlanta. This is the kind of late season skid that gets baseball writers all jonsed to tell us kids about the 1964 Philadelphia Phillies, who had a 6.5 game lead with 12 to play, but managed to close out the year 2-10 and miss the playoffs. The good people of St. Louis hope a similar collapse can be avoided...but I'm not sure it can. If Chris Carpenter loses tonight, it could be all over.

The NY Jets, despite two brutal upcoming games, will be a sleeper in the AFC playoff picture. Sure, the Patriots, despite their shortcomings, will most likely win the AFC East yet again, but after three weeks I don't see any reason why the Jets can't hang around in the AFC playoff picture for awhile. In their own division, Miami and Buffalo are terribly flawed, and once NY gets this two game Indianapolis-Jacksonville stretch out of the way they play the Dolphins and Lions at home and the Browns on the road, prior to a Week 9 Bye. I honestly see them entering their Week 7 bye at 4-4 or (hushed tone) 5-3, and who knows from there. This is the NFL, this type of shit happens every year, some atrocious team from the year before rights the ship and makes a playoff run. Pennington's health is always a concern, and they need some consistency from the running game, be it Kevan Barlow or some combination of Barlow and the other RB donkeys (I'm looking at you Derrick Blaylock, Leon Washington and Cedric Houston), but overall I feel pretty good about what I've seen from Eric Mangini's boys (the defense in particular has been a turnover-forcing machine).

Notre Dame, after their stirring comeback Saturday night, will be 10-1 when they play USC November 25th. I know, back to back homer beliefs, but just look at the upcoming schedule: Purdue, Stanford, UCLA, Navy, North Carolina, Air Force and Army. Not exactly a murderers row of opponents. Purdue looks great...as the MAC champ. Stanford's been outscored 156-63 so far this year. Hell, ND has beaten Navy something like 42 straight times and if it weren't for Colorado the Tar Heels might be the worst 1-A team in the country. Despite that nationally televised ass-kicking they took at the hands of Michigan, Notre Dame MIGHT be playing for a shot at the national title when they face the Trojans. I'm just preparing you now...get ready for alot of Notre Dame fellating in the press (I'll try to limit it to a few reach-arounds here at GTB).

"blog already, you malcontent"

Sure, those words were originally directed at Whitney, but hey, if the shoe fits...

Nah, nothing can be worse than the Ohio State debacle...
Boy was I wrong. Really, really wrong. Part of my silence this week has been caused by the absolute thrashing Notre Dame took at the hands of Michael Jack's Michigan squadron, at home no less. 11 penalties, 5 turnovers, and countless DBs grasping at air. 47 points surrendered. Brady Quinn looking one part Bledsoe, one part Leaf. Mario Manningham channeling Anthony Carter. That guy Prescott Burgess on Michigan is a beast - 6'4", 250 and all over the field. At least with the Fiesta Bowl last year, I had a sense Ohio State was the better team, but Saturday I had truly talked myself into thinking ND was unstoppable (sorry to hammer this home...but especially at home). Silly, silly me. Ohio State dropped 34 on the Irish, Michigan 47. Charlie Weis better get these guys straightened out fast...Michigan State is not afraid of the Irish (flag-planting a-holes).

"He's got electric boots..a mohair suit...you know I read it in a magazine..."
Pennie and the Jets...Pennie, Pennie and the Jets. Well, the one solace in sitting on my couch for 14 hours Sunday, recovering from both the Irish shocker and my absurd hangover, was the last 20 minutes of the Jets/Pats game. I know I was ready to bury these guys before the season ever began, but then, they go on the road and beat Tennessee (yes, the do suck, but you take a W anyway you can) and show some serious fire against the Pats in the second half Sunday. It's only two games, but I like what I'm seeing from the offense, in particular Pennington and 3rd year wideout Jerricho Cotchery. 2 games, 12 catches, 186 yards, 9 first downs, 2 TDs (and if you haven't seen highlights of Cotchery or Coles TDs from Sunday, they were sweet). Obviously, if Chad's arm falls off against Buffalo next week, this season is shot to hell, but the rebuilt offensive line is performing adequately, the defense ain't the nightmare it was last year, so far (watch Jonathan Vilma if and when the Jets are on TV again...he is awesome) and Eric Mangini hasn't looked like the second coming of Rich Kotite just yet. The Motor City Madman Mike Nugent decided to actually make some kicks this week, so that's a bonus. I don't know if Drew is still stopping by GTB, but this week's Jets/Bills game is actually pretty big. With Daunte Culpepper submarining the Dolphins season, the Bills or Jets just might give New England a fight (I am leaning more towards the Bills). All I know is the Jets don't currently belong in the conversation of sustained sucktitude, with the Raiders and Packers and Browns, and that's good enough for me.

He's the Julio Franco of the NFL...
You know you have a serious place kicking situation when you are signing a 46 year old who hasn't played in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE since 2004. Well, the Falcons are apparently in just such a situation, as they have signed Morten Andersen to take over kicking duties in Atlanta. Good luck to the Danish American Football Federation Hall of Fame's most famous inductee.

From the "What a horrendous idea" file...
You know, if I had a friend or client with a serious drug problem, I could think of numerous qualified people they should talk to. Well, Clive Davis has apparently taken another approach, because when he sought a mentor for crackhead Whitney Houston, he dialed up Courtney Love. I haven't seen a pairing this destined for failure since Van Damme and Rodman in "Double Team".

Wait, so she’s Vanished, but he’s been Kidnapped? And these are different programs how?
This is the first Fall TV season for me and my DVR, and let me tell you, it’s fucking fantastic. EXCEPT for the fact network TV has decided to completely throw in the towel and produce the same exact shows (at least the titles are slightly different). Fox has been delivering the goods right now with Vanished, but tonight I need to forget all about Senator Collins and Agent Kelton so I can figure out who the hell kidnapped Timothy Hutton’s boy (good to see Delroy Lindo is still around). At least those two shows are on different networks – the suits at NBC just said "F it" and are giving us two behind the scenes SNL-type shows, Studio 60 and 30 Rock. Studio 60 showed serious promise the other night, and without seeing even a second of 30 Rock I wonder how long any series with Tracy Morgan in a starring role can last.

And, if you missed it yesterday, welcome back Peter Gammons

I know, I know...this is not what I promised...

...but anytime you get a chance to make fun of an egomaniacal world leader in deteriorating health (especially this guy), you jump over to YouTube and capitalize. Apparently, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il is all sorts of messed up (can't walk because of diabetes), and really, could it have happened to a nicer guy? I say "No". GTB has obtained this footage of Kim, apparently from a better time, when he could walk and stuff:

More to come later, but I couldn't resist

NEW YORK (Reuters) - El Nino, an extreme warming of equatorial waters in the Pacific Ocean that wreaks havoc with world weather conditions, has formed and will last into 2007, the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration said on Wednesday.

"I am El Nino. Yo soy El Nino. For those of you who don't habla espanol, El Nino is Spanish for: The Nino."

Happy Birthday...You Suck

Born September 7th, 1972, this major league "closer" is determined to kill at least one geriatric Cardinals' fan a game. A proud graduate of Lewis & Clark Community College (Nickname...the Trailblazers) , Jason Isringhausen was born 34 years ago today in Brighton, Illinois. He has pummeled my fantasy team, and has Cardinals fans extremely worried anytime he enters a ballgame. I honestly think he might be as bad as Ryan Dempster. Cardinals fans should turn away now:

10 blown saves on the year
8 losses
A 1.46 WHIP (38 walks in 58 innings)

Interesting (and final) note, Jason's middle name is Derik. Nice spelling douchebag. Happy Birthday...You Suck

Update: Someone on the interweb REALLY likes Izzy...

Who set the time circuits for 1994?

All of a sudden, I'm watching TV, I'm reading ESPN.com, and I could swear it's 1994 all over again. Sure, we're probably not getting any days as stunning (the 12th of June) or entertaining (the 17th of June) as in 1994, but there are some fellas (and teams) in the news certainly making me think it was '94 all over again...

But first, a quick recap of 1994 (in other words, I need some filler). 1994 gave us Buffalo losing yet another Super Bowl, Hakeem's Dream Warriors beating the Knicks (some might say John Starks actually beat the Knicks) and [ ] winning the World Series. Oh yeah, that's right, there was no fucking World Series in 1994...stupid cocksuckers...not that I'm bitter...

'94 gave me time to make out during Schindler's List (wait, that wasn't me) before packing for my Freshman year of college...AND my trip to Williamsburg was delayed by a bunch of faux-hippy crunchy-granolas with daddy's credit card clogging the NY State Thruway to catch Woodstock '94. Somehow I don't think a Woodstock headlined by Green Day and Nine Inch Nails quite captures the spirit of the original. Maybe that's just me...

Anyway, back to my original premise - the guy that really made me think we all jumped in the DeLorean with Doc Emmett Brown was on the USA Network last night, supplying one of the more entertaining tennis matches I've ever seen. Yes, it's true I watch tennis about as often as Woody Paige makes a lucid point, but that's not the issue here. The same guy who came off wrist surgery in 1994 to win the U.S. Open over Michael Stich (Agassi was unseeded no less) now has everyone thinking (maybe hoping and dreaming would be more accurate) he can do it again in 2006. Andre Agassi's first two matches have been highly entertaining, and in fact, have been the kind of must-see-TV that makes me as a fan feel as exhausted as the guys playing. As Jerry mentioned this morning, there's was also a certain WWE feel to the match last night, and that's never a bad thing (Baghdatis' leg cramps had Vince Russo written all over it). Here's hoping Andre can hang on for one more match at least, so we can see him match-up with Andy Roddick, who, by the way, was 12 in 1994.

The Oakland Raiders never cease to amaze me. Earlier this week Lazarus Davis signed Jeff George to QB his team to glory, glory being 4-12 of course. Don't think for a second that George won't be replacing Aaron Brooks sometime in Week 2, attempting to recreate the success of his extremely productive '94 campaign, in which he threw for 3,734 yards and 23 TDs in the run-and-shoot offense of current Hawaii coach June Jones. Of course, George will also most likely be released sometime after Week 6 when he challenges Art Shell to a street brawl.

Back in 1994, there was much hope in Jet-land. After the less-than-impressive Bruce Coslet era, a new young coach was going to lead the Jets to the promised land. Sure, it might be an uphill climb, but he had the enthusiasm and smarts to get it done. Well, Pete Carroll went 6-10, got himself canned, and worst of all, ushered in the Rich Kotite era in NY. Be very afraid Eric Mangigi, be very afraid (I know I am)...by the way, the stars of the 1994 NY Jets. Boomer Esiason and Johnny Johnson. I have no clue how these guy's managed 6 wins.

One last item - I'm flipping by espn2 last night, and who's batting 5th for the Mets? Julio Franco. Julio Franco was already 35 in 1994, folks. He was 8th in the MVP voting that year. Julio Franco is now 47 years old and looks in better shape than 80% of the guys in baseball.

It wouldn't be a TJ post without your obligatory YouTube clip...special 1994 edition

How did I not know about this?

San Diego Padres pitcher Jake Peavy is legally blind without contact lenses? Really? That is ridiculous. A major league pitcher is blind as a bat without his contacts? It's going to be pretty hard to criticize Jake in the future...I'll just assume he gave up that game winning gopher ball because he got dirt in his contact and couldn't see the pitcher's sign...or the batter. How the hell hasn't he drilled a guy in the head yet? (maybe he has...I don't even think retrosheet can help me there) So far this year Jake is a pedestrian 7-12 with a 4.35 ERA for the Pads...but hell, the guy's blind, so that's pretty damn good if you ask me.

I am too hungover to type

Update: This is how good I feel...

Kuselias Smash!

This is the kind of post you get when me, Geoff and Whitney have lunch at the Dubliner. As I settle in for a delicious French Dip and tater tots, I gaze up at the TV to see a stirring Cold Pizza debate between Woody Paige and Eric Kuselias (apparently Skip Bayless was needed back in Hell). You might know Kuselias as the terribly annoying fill-in host on Mike and Mike in the Morning (or, if you're lucky, you have no clue who this no talent ass clown is). Anyway, I look at Kuselias and realize immediately who he looks like...Lou Ferigno, yes, the Incredible Hulk. I'm telling you, I'm not crazy, check it out:











Special Bonus: I have obtained footage of what happened when Mike Golic dared to upset Kuselias on last Friday's show...

K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies presents...

While I'm sure the interweb will be inundated with instant analysis of the bloodletting that just occurred in Boston (someone make sure Jim Caple and Bill Simmons are still alive), I thought I'd avoid having to actually come up with any creative prose and just let the clip above do the recap for me. Wanna take a guess which guy is the Red Sox?

What, Me Worry?

GTB's "Separated at Birth" segment continues on this fine Friday morning with...drumroll please...Orioles OF/2B Brandon Fahey and Mad Magazine icon Alfred E. Neuman. For those of you who aren't wasting every waking moment of your day checking your American League-only fantasy baseball squad, young Mr. Fahey is a respectable utility player on the soon-to-be-cellar-dwelling Orioles. Baltimore manager Sam Perlozzo has said he likes him for his "attitude-camaraderie type thing" (Sam is no wordsmith). Alfred is of course the brainchild behing "Spy vs. Spy" and the always entertaining "The Lighter Side of..." Dr. Phil is hoping to reunite these two next week.

Imitation: The sincerest form of flattery, or the lamest attempt to pull together a post ever?

The Setup Guy

I. Ray of Hope
For the second night in a row, the Yankees were unable to figure out a young Orioles left-hander, losing 3-2 at the Stadium to Adam Loewen (5.2 IP, 2 ER, 5Ks). Loewen has now beaten NY twice in the last month. Despite Sam Perlozzo's best attempt to throw this game away (I mean, does he watch LaTroy Hawkins pitch?), Orioles closer Chris Ray saved his ass by earning a 2 inning save, giving him 28 on the year. For all you O's fans out there, at least you can root for Bedard, Loewen, Ray and Markakis (Nicky hit a HR last night). The rest of the bunch, not so much. Have I mentioned Peter Angelos sucks balls? The Yankees lead in the AL East is now down to two games...but Octavio Dotel seems healthy, which is nice. Does this mean we can end the Ponson in Pinstripes Era?

II. It's the Spanish Kramer vs. Kramer
The battle for NL Central supremacy was won by the Reds' Edwin Encarnacion last night, as he connected for 2 long balls and 4 RBI in the Reds 7-2 win over the Cardinals. Redbird Juan Encarnacion did nothing to help his team, taking an 0-4 and leaving 2 guys on base. This entire season the Reds pitching staff has been mocked, but all you need to do is look across the field and see the chumps the Cards are running out to realize St. Louis might not only lose the NL Central, they might miss the playoffs altogether (As Bill Walton might say, Jason Marquis is HORRRIBLE). By the way, Cornrow Arroyo finally earned his 10th win of the season...on his 11th try.

III. I really thought they were finishing 47-1
When I saw the Dodgers lost yesterday, I was genuinely shocked. With the level of competition in the NL (the West division in particular) being so suspect, I was pretty sure L.A. wasn't losing another game for the rest of the year. Miguel Cabrera homered twice and drove in five for the Marlins in the 15-4 rout, Cody Ross thanked his former team by driving in four and Jeffrey Loria managed to not fire Joe Girardi for yet another game (Loria is a close second to Angelos as my least favorite owner in baseball...just thought you'd want to know). By the way, the Marlins are only 6 back in the NL wild card race and just might be clueless enough to make this interesting. Apropo of nothing...Dan Uggla!

IV. Do...not...pitch...to...him...EVER
Mr. Leyland, please take the Marlboro out of your mouth and put up the four fingers. I realize the autistic guy hitting behind David Ortiz can do some damage as well, but you simply cannot pitch to him...ever. The Red Sox managed to avoid a sweep at the hands of the Tigers last night, winning at Fenway 6-4. David Wells got the win, Ortiz of course homered at a crucial time and Coco Crisp even got involved from the leadoff spot. And I'm not one to point any fingers, but that Pudge Rodriguez fella looks like he's auditioning for the Grand Rapids summer stock production of Philadelphia. Can we at least all agree to stop calling him Pudge?

V. 18 innings will do that to you
The only thing missing from the Cubs/Astros 18 inning affair Tuesday night were Cesar Cedeno, Bob Watson and the Bears (sorry to sound like Mr. Simmons there). Michael Barrett, who won the game with his sixth inning homer, is having a tremendous year, hitting .325 for hapless Chicago (not too shabby for a catcher not named Mauer). The good news for the Astros in their 1-0 loss to the Cubbies: Brad Lidge didn't blow a save. The bad news: the 'Stros score runs about as often as this girl eats. Amazingly, the Cubs are 35-27 against their division...and a brutal 17-41 against everyone else.

[Any resemblance to Deadspin's "The Closer" segment is completely coincidental...as long as coincidental still means "intentional and shameless"]

"You guys think you're above the law...well you ain't above mine!"**

In light of the Wizards decision not to match the Knicks asinine contract offer to Jared Jeffries, it looks like Isiah has added yet another faceless Small Forward to his roster (this according to several depth charts I found on the interweb, and yes, I know it seems odd a 6'11" guy is listed at SF). Isiah seems to think having five of the same exact guy is a good policy...kinda reminds me of a certain actor who made a career out of playing the exact same emotionless, ponytailed drone in every movie (with the added bonus he kicked ass with a pot belly). We here at GTB (how quick is Whitney backpedaling away from this post?) thought we would do these Knicks SFs a favor and give them a little personality by attaching them to Mr. Seagal's best roles:

Jalen Rose (6'8", 215) - Absolutely the Nico Toscani (Above the Law) of this group. Jalen's the oldest and wisest of the boys, he's made the most noise in his career, and I'm betting he's kicked the most ass (statistically and perhaps literally as well). Much like Jalen, Nico emerged first, a bright star in his field (the field being generic Chicago/NY cop/detective)...able to run like a freaking girl for miles despite the pot belly AND break people's arms in an extremely cool fashion (seriously, when you first saw that move, you were blown away...admit it). Above the Law was easily Seagal's best work, and I think Jalen deserves this...after all he's stuck on the fucking Knicks. Plus, I sensed a real Nico/Zagon animosity between Jalen and Larry Brown.

Quentin Richardson (6'6", 230) - Gotta be Hard to Kill's Mason Storm...mainly because I think Quentin's been in a coma his whole career. Bonus points here because Storm is described on IMDB as a "go it alone cop" and I'm pretty sure Q is one of the most shameless gunners the NBA's ever seen (though he does has stiff competition from two of his teammates).

Qyntel Woods (6'8", 220) - Resident headcase and avid dog lover, Qyntel is perfectly cast as John Hatcher (Marked for Death). You remember, the movie where Seagal has to stop a Jamaican drug ring from ruining he and Keith David's neighborhood (this was during the time when Jamaican drug lords were THE bad guys in Hollywood). You telling me Qyntel wouldn't jump at the chance to visit Jamaica and kill Screwface in his extremely smoky lair?

Renaldo Balkman (6'8", 208) - A forgotten Seagal classic, Seagal plays NYPD detective Gino Felino in Out for Justice. Isiah's improbable 2006 first round pick is being forced into this role by me...mainly because I was running out of decent Seagal flicks and couldn't make fun of Knick SFs without mention of this soon-to-be epic disaster. Plus, I'm not sure which name is funnier, Renaldo Balkman or Gino Felino?

Jared Jeffries (6'11", 240) - The latest addition to the overcrowded SF collection, I'm letting Jared have the role of Under Siege ass-kicker Casey Ryback, though I'm pretty sure Gary Busey would kick Jared's ass. Is anyone else up for pushing "Dark Territory"as Jeffries nickname? (not to be confused with Charlie Murphy's nickname "Darkness")

**I cannot confirm this, but it is rumored GTB and Wheelhouse visitor "Mayhugh" often yells this at random people throughout the workday. His secretary Frieda has not returned our calls.

"Can I get an AMEN from the bobbleheads?"

Special thanks to Dennis for the newest bobblehead in the GTB collection, Mr. Jhonny Peralta of the Cleveland Indians (sadly, Michael was hosed and did not receive a free souvenir bobblehead from the friendly Indians employee working the gates). Jhonny* (not a typo, the "h" is actually in the right spot) joins Khalil Greene and Darrell Green in the most diverse and useless bobblehead collection around...

*According to Wikipedia, the unusual spelling of Jhonny's first name can be attributed to a clerical error on his birth certificate. A clerical error he refuses to have changed.

Do Not Pitch to this Man...Ever

"Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house..."

On the Road with Dennis and Michael

The Charles Kuralt and Jack Kerouac of this blogosphere are blissfully gallivanting from major league stadium to major league stadium, so I figured the GTB homebase (re: my tiny ass cube) should at least attempt to recap their (mis)adventures in this space...the following is pieced together from text and voice messages as well as a little something I like to call poetic license...

Cleveland - Saturday, July 22
Jerry "The King" Lawler throws out the first pitch. I don't know about you, but I couldn't think of a better way to start a trip of this nature. Travis Hafner then proceeds to pummel Lawler with a 2x4 behind the mound. The Tribe destroy the Twins 11-0, which is pretty amazing given that it's Minnesota's only loss in their last 13 games. Up and coming rookie Jeremy "Golden" Sowers gets the W for Cleveland and hunky Grady Sizemore (huh?) leads the offensive attack. Dennis informs me via text he's downed a sausage (presumably not Michael's) and 4 beers by the 2nd inning. The boys end the night perusing the "Ladies of Rock" exhibit at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Cincinnati - Sunday, July 23
Dennis and Michael hit the Queen City next, with "Mill-e-wah-que" in town. The Reds manage to lose to Tomo Ohka ("What's he, like 45? I could hit him") and the Brew Crew 4-1. However, in a strange twist of fate, Dennis gets to see GTB fav Danny Knob return to his role as Brewers closer...with Derrick Turnbow immediately being sent down to Fraggle Rock. The fellas finish the night downing brews with two local DJs who go by the names Dr. Johnny Fever and Venus Fly Trap.

Chicago (White Sox) - Monday, July 25 (I think...could've been Tuesday's game)
Michael informs me via text they have seats right behind the White Sox bullpen. I inform Michael he needs to immediately start tossing pieces of hot dog at the svelte Bobby Jenks. I guess it doesn't matter whether they were at Monday or Tuesday's game, because Chicago managed to blow both of them, and is in complete freefall right now. The impending Ozzie Guillen explosion is going to be AWESOME. Lance Bass better watch out. After being overserved, Dennis and Michael storm the field, perform the "Dance of Joy" in CF (much to Jermaine Dye's delight), and manage to escape before security can treat them like the second coming of the esteemed Ligue Dynasty.

Milwaukee - Wednesday, July 26
Pittsburgh, an unbelievable 12-40 on the road coming in, manages to beat Chris Capuano and the Brewers 8-4 (Jason Bay, who is fucking awesome, leads the way for the Pirates). Dennis manages to punch Bud Selig in the face. Somehow during the game the boys run into friends of a guy we once knew, "Noonan", otherwise known as Joyner's gay lover. I will definitely need alot more than a three word text message to explain that one. Much to the chagrin of Dennis' wife, the boys end the evening on a double-date at Pizza Bowl with two chicks from the bottling plant down the street.

I have no clue what the next game on the slate is...it might be Cubs/Cards today...all I know is I'm jealous...

GTB's "This Day in History"

July 26, 1991 - In sleepy Sarasota, FL, Paul Reubens gets busted for working his little man during the Oscar-winning flick "Nurse Nancy". The film, starring screen legends Sandra Scream and Peter North, is apparently so good Pee-Wee Herman (as he's known to a legion of kids raised by him and his Playhouse pals) can't help but celebrate the film's excellence by rubbing one out...making him an international punchline overnight. God bless ya Pee Wee, the supply of jokes was endless...a sampling from the way-back machine:

Did you hear that Pee-Wee declined representation?
He figures he can get himself off

Do you know who Pee-Wee's insurance company is?
All-State, the good-hands people

Did you hear about the new Pee-Wee Herman doll?
It pulls its own string

So endeth our first installment of "This Day in History". We'll be back soon enough with all our N.A.S.A and Joey Buttafuocco jokes. And perhaps even an update from "Dennis and Michael's Excellent Adventure". Oh yeah, Happy Independence Day to all you Liberians out there...

Coming Soon To Theatres Everywhere...

One fat guy, one skinny guy, one fuel-efficient roadster, 5 baseball stadiums...what started as a simple road trip for the summer, ended as a spiritual journey for life...

Dennis and Michael Jack begin the magical misery tour tomorrow morning bright and early...wish us luck. Here's hoping we manage to not only capture the sights and sounds of the nation's past time, as seen through the eyes of the Heartland, but also perhaps the world-record for drunk text/voice messages sent in a 7 day period.

Likely progression of events:

1)....

2)...

3)...

4)...

5)...

6)...