"One word. Five letters. Period."

Well, it's been a few years, so you knew it was coming - the artist formerly known as Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, Puffy and P. Diddy has a new name - Diddy. Just Diddy. Apparently, Sean is looking out for all of us, not wanting to create the confusion his last name change caused (in 2003):
"I needed to simplify things"

In a related story, the Kansas City Royals have changed their name to Poopy. Just Poopy.

My kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team...

In case folks haven't noticed (and really, why would they), the Kansas City Royals have lost 15 games in a row. How bad is it for Mike Sweeney and the boys? They're now 38-78 (wooooooooooow). In the 15 losses, they've been outscored 118 to 53 (that's 65 fucking runs folks!). Only 3 other teams have lost 15 games in a row (or more) in the last 25 years. Those infamous losers:
The 2002 Tampa Bay Devil Rays - 15
The 1982 New York Mets - 15
...and of course, the historically woeful 1988 Baltimore Orioles, who started the season by losing 21 in a row (check out their season - my god did they suck).

The Royals play tonight at Seattle, and I for one will be rooting for them to lose #16 in a row. Why not try to be the best at something fellas. I think KC has the right idea, sending Runelvys Hernandez to the mound tonight - he gave up 7 ER in 1 IP last time out. Go Royals!

Movie and TV News

The Internet Movie Database News made me chuckle a few times today…

Farrell Sex Tape Restraining Order Extended
I swear on all that is holy that at first glance -- and the reason I clicked on the headline link in the first place -- I was thinking this was Mike Farrell instead of Colin Farrell, and I was stumped as to what demographic was clamoring for that tape.

Matt LeBlanc also asks fans not to compare early episodes of Joey to the final Friends shows. He adds, "You just can't compare the last season of Friends with the first season of Joey. You have to compare like with like, and so compare the first season of Friends with the first season of Joey. You then have two shows where the cast and crew gel and evolve and the show gets better and better."
Is Matt LeBlanc as dumb as Joey? The first season of Friends was roughly 50 million times better than the last season, and holding "Joey" up to that season would make his new show just wilt. Duh. In a related incident, Brian Cashman wants this year's Yankees to be compared to the 1927 team instead of the 2004 club.

Troubled actor Tom Sizemore is battling a rare medical condition that leaves him sexually insatiable.
It turns out . . . he's a man. Deal with it, Tom.

Hollywood couple (and my lunchmates) Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have invested a staggering sum on a rural site in Quebec, Canada - which they plan to turn into a luxurious ski retreat. The actors-turned-property moguls already have luxury homes in New York City, Los Angeles, Wales, Bermuda and the Spanish island of Majorca . . .
Have you guys been to Wales? A luxury home there is easily worth thousands, I'm telling you. Mud Hut Manor overlooking the coal pits . . . what a palace. I know, she's Welsh, but squeezing that one between L.A. and Bermuda was just funny.

Teen queen Lindsay Lohan is reportedly set to blast her estranged father Michael Lohan in song on her sophomore album.
Among other things, she's criticizing him for passing down a complete absence of musical talent.

Is this what Jay Leno does every day? It's kind of fun.

The Best of GTB???

Is that an oxymoron? Anyway, Chandy had the audacity to challenge this guy to find a few decent posts in the long and storied history of Gheorghe (this will be post #303), and I think I've done just that. Perhaps I'll be back later today doing what GTB does best, cutting and pasting shit from the web, but for now, try to enjoy these dozen GTB posts, in no particular order (so this is what a highlight show is like)...

* Barry Manilow
* Neil Diamond
* Commando
* Irony Defined
* Worst Sports Night Ever
* Whit Hates ESPN
* The Office Move
* Welcome to 2004
* GTB Meets GTM
* GTB's Mission Statement
* Chocolate City Baseball
* Instant Classic

"I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!"

That's right folks, for the second time in less than a year, the FMD and I hit the MCI Center to see a musical icon, this time the one, the only, Neil Diamond, on his Neil Diamond World Tour 2005. Let me just say that Neil Diamond can still pack 'em in - the MCI Center looked to be at 99% capacity (the amount of geriatrics was quite surprising to me, until I realized Neil is a spry 64 years old - the man's looking real good for 64, minus the outfit - time to dump the black jumper Neil). Seats were in the upper deck, facing The Man himself, though since I'm blind there was no chance I was seeing a thing (thank god for the two large video screens off to the left and right of the stage). Beers were purchased in preparation of Neil taking us on one helluva ride...
(Quick fashion question - Is the small pink cowboy hat really stylish? Because I saw quite a few last night, and all it does is make chicks look like lesbian Neddy Nederlanders)

"Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And two hours later, I wrote "Sweet Caroline". Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you."

At about 7:59pm (show starts at 8), we get two announcements:
* "There will be no intermission" (Awesome, two straight hours of Neil, exactly what I paid for)
* "NO ONE WILL BE SEATED DURING THE FIRST SONG. THE LIGHTS WILL BE DIMMED INSTANTLY" (basically, the PA guy scolded the crowd, not once, but twice - what a douche)
I do have to say, when the show finally started (well after 8 mind you), it got real dark real fast, and I'm betting one of the members of the over-65 crowd might've fallen down a few flights of stairs in Section 421.

Like a pitcher trying to find his rhythym, Neil struggled a bit in the early innings. Some songs I've never even heard, a few minor hits, but here it comes...the American flags on the video screens...there's Kilgore on stage (OK, joke for 3, but for those 3, that joke is VERY funny)...Neil begins "America" and the place absolutely erupts. I keep laughing out loud about the Kilgore thing, all the while enjoying the over the top rendition of "America". This seems like a good time to mention that Neil's band was huge - we're talking 15 or 16 folks, among them:
* More horns than Chicago - In fact, that might've been Chicago. Lord knows they need the money
* A 70 year old keyboardist, and a 400 pound piano player
* The guitarist who loves his job just a tad too much
* 4 back-up singers who would win karoake at the beach bar, but who are getting cut in Round 2 on American Idol

"It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That's why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely legal pornography. Gary knows what I'm talking about. Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. Oh, Cracklin' Rose, get on board. We're gonna ride 'til there ain't no more to go. We're takin' it slow. Let's all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard!"

After getting the crowd going with "America", and throwing gas in innings 5, 6 and 7, with huge hits like "Forever in Blue Jeans" and "Cracklin' Rosie", I knew what was coming (and if it wasn't, I was gonna burn down the MCI Center). The crowd wanted it, Neil knew it, and then it happened - 18,000 people going nuts, singing along, pointing at their neighbor, in a state of bliss belting out the lyrics to "Sweet Caroline". I haven't been that into a live performance since Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" at MCI years ago. It was fucking great. Strong finish from Neil with "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show". I've gotta deduct a point or two for not playing "Kentucky Woman", but overall, a very solid show from Neil (B or B+ I would say). I guess now Tom Jones completes the holy trinity? Or is it Wayne Newton??

"Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection..."

The Wright Stuff

Last night, Mets/Pads, David Wright made the second best barehanded catch I have ever seen in my life (behind THE Bo Jackson barehand). Wright, on a full sprint into left field, made a barehanded, over-the-shoulder catch of a Brian Giles flare. It...was...awesome. That kid is going to carry the NYE Mets for a loooooong time.

Speaking of catching balls with flair (ngs), Eric Byrnes does it nightly. I love watching that guy play (Added Bonus: He looks like a guy who would sit on his ass drinking Natty Lights watching Anchorman with you). I believe Squirrel once mocked Mr. Byrnes (exxxxxxcellent) over at MLC, and I simply don't get that. If he was on the Red Sox, Rob would be fellating him daily. I mean, come on, Red Sox fans love Kevin Millar, and he's a huge donkey (recently compared himself to Tom Brady? yeah, that seems accurate). Eric Byrnes is fun to watch whatever team he's on. Hell, he could patrol CF a helluva lot better than Corpsie Williams.

And finally this morning, hopefully you caught the highlights of the idiot kid who fell out of the upper deck at Yankee Stadium last night. That moron is lucky he fell over the net. He could've died, or worse, landed on Reggie Jackson.

GTB's Wednesday Website. Vote early, vote often.

B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E

Braindead on yet another Monday, I submit this uplifting tale of cheerleaders using their powers for the good of mankind:

ANN ARBOR, Mich. -- A man who left an accident scene was tracked down with the help of some cheerleaders who witnessed the crash and turned his license plate number into a cheer, police said. Members of the Lincoln High School varsity cheerleading squad from neighboring Ypsilanti were in Ann Arbor for a Universal Cheerleaders Association's camp when they saw the wreck near the University of Michigan campus. "I knew I was going to not remember it because there was too much going on," coach Patricia Clark said Monday on NBC's Today. "So, when I ran down the street and got the plate number, I yelled to the girls: Remember this!" The cheerleaders put their skills to work, chanting the license number. "The coach just said it and we were saying it over and over, and then it just turned into a big chant since we kept repeating it," said Kimmie Ostrowski, a senior captain for the team who also appeared on Today.

And you wonder why the O's are on a losing streak from hell.

-Orioles reliever Steve Kline on the nebulous nature of dietary supplements in light of teammate, Rafael Palmeiro's steroid debacle.

"If they test me, all they're going to get is Krispy Kreme donuts and McDonald's," Orioles reliever Steve Kline said and, judging from that body, at least somebody is being honest. "I can see how people who are popping pills, shakes and vitamins are afraid. I'm afraid to take anything because you don't know.
"They put stuff in food, steroid beef, feed steroids to cattle. Plus, players don't know what to look for. I'm from West Virginia (University) and I'm not the brightest guy in the world, but I look at the ingredients of some of these things and I don't know. You figure it's over the counter, it must be OK."

Oh yeah, I hate him.

Where's the love?

Poor OJ can't catch a break (well, other than that minor break he caught a few years back). Last week he gets convicted of stealing cable (he should live in Chocolate City, they don't have a clue) and now the organizers of the National Sports Collectors Convention basically tossed him out when he showed up to sign autographs. It seems Juice was indeed invited by an exhibitor to the convention, but the convention used the old "scared of a double murderer" clause to boot his ass. Hang tough OJ, we're all pulling for you.

I love Canadian rocker Bryan Adams as much as the next guy (well not as much as Joe Corcoran, but that's a whole other story), but I have officially had it with his song "Open Road", which serves as the theme to SportsCenter's "50 States in 50 Days " series. I mean, they've only made it through 15 states or so, and Linda Cohn is already starting to fall apart (well, at least more than usual). How about airing some sports highlights ESPN.

The Larry Brown saga was pretty much ignored here at GTB (and with good reason - who gives a shit), but I couldn't let this nugget pass. Apparently the Sopranos cast halted a scene with James Gandolfini in pajamas to shoot a video urging Brown to take the Knicks job. Well done fellas. Which reminds me, Sunday night I caught the episode where Tony pummels Ralphie to death, which got me pumped for next season, until I realized these guys take 3 years off between seasons, and I probably won't see a new episode until 2006. Fuck.

The latest from Dick Wolf - Law and Order: Fallujah? Yesterday, Iraq's national security advisor said the trial of Saddam Hussein will be shown on live television. Nancy Grace has already booked her Motel 8 and camel. Geraldo is fast on her heels.

Well well well...

SI.com's Tom Verducci is reporting Rafael Palmeiro has tested positive for steroids. Finally, a juicy positive test (with apologies to Jorge Piedra). Does this mean Jose Canseco might actually be right about more guys? In light of this, how soon before the "rejuvenated" Jason Giambi tests positive?

By the way, I just dug this up:
Palmeiro told members of the House committee that Canseco is lying.
"I have never used steroids. Period," Palmeiro said. "I do not know how to say it any more clearly than that."

This bit of information has certainly made up for that lame ass trade deadline we just experienced. Eric Byrnes and Jody Gerut probably leave a packed suitcase by the door everytime they leave for the park.

Feels like an Arby's night...

Just to squash any fears next time you're devouring a Big Montana, a public service announcement.

On to a Friday list of nonsense, as you've come to expect here at GTB...
* I mean, if you were to pick one baseball player who would have no qualms joining Vince and Owen at some nuptials, I guess it would have to be Man-Ram...
According to the BOSTON HERALD, back in 2001, when Never-A-Dull-Moment Manny was new in town, he was holed up in a $1,000-a-night suite at the ritzy Ritz-Carlton. Well, being as how he was a bachelor back then, not to mention his alleged linguistic limitations, Manny was rather lonely. So No. 24 would take the elevator down to the ballroom and scope out the weddings. And if the reception rocked, he'd meander in and make himself right at home! "He quietly ambled in, uninvited of course,'' one wedding guest recalled of a Ritz-Carlton bridal blowout some four years ago. "But he made plenty of friends once he was recognized.'' Particularly, we're told, amongst the ranks of the bridesmaids! When Manny was asked why he chose to pop in on the festivities, he replied, "I was bored.''

* Brace yourself loyal readers - Tim Green is not returning as a Fox Sports NFL analyst. Now why would that be? Oh right, Green is concentrating on his role as host of the new "A Current Affair". Say what? That's like me not coming to work anymore because I've enrolled at the Culinary Institute of America.

* I love Jeffrey Ross. That man is the Babe Ruth of celebrity roasts...
Jeffrey Ross is gearing up to roast Pamela Anderson on Comedy Central next month. "I was gonna write a poem, but I couldn't find a rhyme for 'stupid bimbo,' " Ross said at the New York premiere of "The Aristocrats." After pointing out that the Anderson event is a fund-raiser for PETA, Ross cracked: "She's very into animal rights. She doesn't like it when they take these innocent chicks and inject them with hormones and make 'em wear red bathing suits and kiss David Hasselhoff."

* So, are you saying the annoying alien from American Dad can't hold his liquor? (and Dennis, that show is not funny. I'm sorry. And this is coming from a guy who likes Futurama)
Andy Dick lived up to his party monster reputation early yesterday morning at the grand opening of Home nightclub on West 27th Street. We're told the booze-loving bisexual "made out with an equally intoxicated male partygoer" and "grabbed, licked and groped everyone in sight - especially the male models." Another tipster tattles that Dick "literally had his hands down another man's pants - first over the pants, then in the pants."

I even have some sports rantings in this tiny head of mine, and depending on how this noon deadline goes, you might get to read my analysis of the atrocious Yankee rotation or baseball's wild card races or a review of last night's competitive eating "contest". (if you choose to ever return to this site)

Words for a Friend

Rather than ramble on about the useless nonsense you have come to expect here, I wanted to take the time this afternoon to let our friend know we are thinking of him and his family, and let him know they are in our thoughts and prayers. We just want our friend Geoff to know that in the wake of losing his father, we care about him, will always be there for him, and I am sorry all I can do is type this today and not be there in person for him. I cannot fathom what he must be going through, but family and friends by his side will keep him strong.

Stay strong, Geoff, we're all thinking of you.

"...but it's a dry heat."

Yep, even though it's 113 fucking degrees out, I'm not gonna worry about it, cause it's a "dry" 113 degrees (that phrase might actually top my chart of Worst Ever, if it weren't for "At the end of the day..."). HOWEVAH, the dry heat will not bother me, as I will not leave the hotel for 72 hours (unless being shepherded by Hot Action's Hef into a limo), spending countless hours at the Sports Book (Do they have one? Will I have to tunnel, much like Emi Sok, to freedom?), staring at people playing craps, and sitting in front of seizure-causing slot machines. Vegas baby, Vegas.

Did anybody else love that TV miniseries "V" when they were a kid? Marc Singer was the rebel leader I think. It was followed by the shortlived, but aptly titled, "V" TV show, starring Freddy Krueger and Jester. Good times.

I think the Orioles bullpen coach created the cult/religion Scientology.

In other baseball news, the Yankees are looking to replace poor, decrepit Bernie Williams in CF with...Tike Redman or Endy Chavez. Wow, if those are the options, leave Bernie's corpse out there for the rest of the season.

Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.

Is it possible for Howard Kurtz to be any more lame?

CNNWASHPOST HOWARD KURTZ: A lot of people have picked up on your description in the memos to your bureau chief of that conversation -- "It was on double super secret background." What did that mean?

TIME MATT COOPER: Well, Howie, I can now reveal that it was a joke. Karl Rove, when we had the conversation, wanted it to be on deep background, which I took to mean I could use the material but not quote it directly, and certainly not attribute it, that I had to protect the identity of my source. When I wrote the note to my bureau chief, just moments after the conversation with Rove, in a slightly playful way, I echoed the line in the movie "Animal House," where John Belushi's wild fraternity is put on double secret probation. So it was a little bit of humor.

* Call me crazy, but I would classify this as Must See TV:
Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith will premiere Monday, August 1 at 6:30 p.m. on ESPN2. The one-hour weekday show will deliver a daily dose of sports news, opinions, issues and headlines in front of a live studio audience in New York City.

* GTB is quite the clearinghouse of crap on Mondays eh? How about Al Leiter last night boys and girls? Impressive indeed - I am sure Jack McKeon was swearing profusely at Al (see, the 6pm first pitch means Jack got to watch 6 innings or so before lights out at Del Boca Vista). Speaking of ex-Marlin pitchers:
Actress Alyssa Milano , who previously dated Carl Pavano, is now with Dodgers and ex-Marlins pitcher Brad Penny, according to numerous reports in L.A. (Post-Pavano, she dated Oakland's Barry Zito.)

* Oh...if you didn't get to Wedding Crashers this weekend...get there ASAP. You will not be disappointed.

The city so nice they named it twice...

Fantastic start to the second half of the season by the Yankees and Mets last night. I could've been hit by a bus this morning and it still wouldn't have wiped the smile off my face from seeing that douchebag Curt Schilling blow the game. To Rodriguez. Great start to the weekend...How 'bout dem Amazing Mets? I expect to see unbridled enthusiasm from Whitney and Jerry after last night's rousing victory. David Wright's homers (and diving catch on a piss poor bunt attempt) and Cliff Floyd's ridiculous catch falling into the stands. Doing it against Dan Dukes' Braves. Well done.

GTB's "Friday Gift To You My Loyal Readers" (also won the ESPY for "Worst GTB Title Ever")...
HOUSTON -- When Bassam Khalaf raps, he's the Arabic Assassin. His unreleased CD, "Terror Alert," includes rhymes about flying a plane into a building and descriptions of himself as a "crazy, suicidal Arabic ... equipped with bombs."

Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...

Until last week, Khalaf also worked as a baggage screener at George Bush Intercontinental Airport.

Struggggling

Not sure if it's from that hurricane I whipped up last week, or the train that ran me over last night, but I'm bushed. "Bushed" - great expression, right up there with "Mikey looks exhausted. Rogers, get in there and give him a blow". Gets me every time. Been a while since I've posted - thank God TJ really keeps this ship sailing... figured since my oral communication skills are non existent at the moment, I'd give ol' GTB visit.

I see Chandy includes a cute little picture for us these days. Scrumdeliumptous. I'm guessing there's a 100% chance at least one slightly stocky unnamed visitor of this site that will certainly add her to the mental roladex. And Chandy, thanks for the birthday wish. Other notable birthdays on July 13th - Harrison Ford, Cameron Crowe, Fatboy Slim, and Spud Webb.

Also, a big thanks to the LA Lakers for relieving us of Kwame's services . . . Now, Kwame, off with you and go convert to buddhism, get your 3 championships, become an all-star, and rub it in our face everytime you appear on TV interviews with Phil Jackson you lanky penis.

Um, yeah. Wedding Crashers opens tomorrow - I really hope it doesn't suck. They're pushing the limits of this thirtysomething swinging bachelor party guy thing. Or maybe not. Watch out for those oompa loompas kids . . .

Those bastards stole my theory...

This week's National Enquirer advances the theory that Van Der Sloot confessed to his father that he dumped Holloway's body in shark-infested waters after she accidentally hit her head and drowned in an Ecstasy-induced stupor on an Aruban beach. A source told the tabloid that Van Der Sloot and Holloway went swimming together after meeting at the club and taking drugs together. "Natalee fell, hit her head on a rock and drowned," the Enquirer quotes its source. "In a drug-and-alcohol induced panic, Joran felt he had no other choice but to dispose of Natalee's body in the sea."

I fully expect the mother to kill him as he leaves the courthouse...

* Morning Double Feature: The internet is a strange and wonderful place. Case in point...

* From the "Gee, I didn't see this coming a mile away" File...
Troubled actor Tom Sizemore failed to attend a court hearing held to determine whether he violated the terms of his probation order so he could check into a live-in rehabilitation clinic. The Saving Private Ryan star, 43, allegedly refused to provide urine tests and attend drug counseling sessions with his probation officer, and could face up to three years in prison if found guilty. The Los Angeles Superior Court hearing has been postponed until 22 July, and Sizemore faces arrest should he fail to appear. Sizemore, who was charged with violating his probation order but released on bail in March, denies the charges.

It was there for all to see

Bartolo Colon is the second coming of completely underrated Stooge Shemp Howard.

Does Ken Macha have some secret polaroids of A's owner Steve Schott? If not, can someone explain to me how he still has a job. He makes Art Howe look alive.

I never thought I would say this, but the cast of characters on the newest Surreal Life might even be a bit much for me. What a collection of asshole and losers. Not a redeemable quality to be found.

HOWEVAH, the cast of the newest Celebrity Fit Club has serious promise. I mean, Willie Aames, Victoria Jackson, Jackee, and Gary Busey??? Busey might be the first person to actually die on a reality show.

Um, yeah, I've had to delete several punchlines to this, so I'll just give you the item itself...
He [Donald Trump] confirmed that he is considering a new format for his next "Apprentice" -- a team of African-American contestants would be pitted against an all-white group.

This guy just keeps giving and giving

Remind me to send Sheff a thank you note for his neverending supply of material...

Gary Sheffield wants nothing to do with the World Baseball Classic. Several major league players spoke of the honor they would feel to represent their countries in baseball's first World Cup-style tournament when the groups for the event were unveiled Monday. Sheffield was not among them. The Yankees right fielder told reporters at the All-Star festivities in Detroit on Monday there was no chance he would participate in the event scheduled for March.
"My season is when I get paid," Sheffield told the New York Daily News. "I'm not doing that. ... I'm not sacrificing my body or taking a chance on an injury for something that's made up."
"A lot of guys feel that way. They won't say it like I will, though," he added.

You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care

"Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work."

BOSTON (Reuters) - U.S. workers say they squander over two hours a day at the workplace, with surfing the Web, socializing with co-workers and simply "spacing out" among the top time-wasting activities, according to a survey released on Monday.

And folks, this post defines "mailing it in". It's a Monday, I'm tired, and I don't feel like weighing in on the Kenny Rogers "controversy".

* How annoying would it be to have him at your table?
Former NFL TE Shannon Sharpe will participate in the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas beginning today. UPDATE: Apparently other well-known donkeys at the WSOP include actors Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Tilly and golfer Rocco Mediate.

* This made me feel a little bit better on a crappy Monday:
Could you make ends meet on $11,700 a year, before taxes? How about $16,500? For 86 players in Major League Soccer, that will have to do, because 26 percent of the league's 331 players make less than $20,000 a year in base salary, according to salary documents obtained by The New York Times.

* America's greatest president? A casual shoe for yachting? They killed Jesus Christ?
The Young Republicans have given cocky "Apprentice" punk Kelly Perdew the boot. The brash Perdew, now working for Donald Trump after winning the second season of "The Apprentice," was slated to emcee Saturday's black-tie dinner at the Mandalay Bay Resort in Las Vegas, which closed the Young Republican National Convention. But convention chairman Nathan Taylor got fed up with Perdew's irksome antics and unceremoniously disinvited the former Marine at the last moment.