Sic Semper Tyrannis

We've been friends for a long time, Gheorghies. I've known some of you for 30 years. (30. Damn. Years. Jesus.) We've been through a lot. We've laughed, cried, puked, embarrassed ourselves and each other, fought, hugged, and laughed some more. I trust all of you implicitly.

This bucolic little town has a dark secret

Which is why I feel it's safe to tell you this story. I'm letting you into my world. My messy, disorganized, haphazard, lazy, immature world. Don't judge me, for I bear my flaws as a lesson to those of you less imperfect. I do this as a vehicle to teach you of the oppressive nature of government, the logical extension of Thomas Hobbes' philosophical rants, lest the Man come for you.

As a preface, allow me to quote to you from the Code of the Town of Leesburg, Virginia, section 34-72:

"It shall be unlawful for a customer to forego repair of water leaks in the supply line or within the premises when identified by town personnel, including but not limited to fire sprinkler systems. The penalty for foregoing repairs shall be denial of discontinuation of water service."

I was not aware of this section of the Town Code, as it will become painfully obvious.

We have 3 1/2 bathrooms in our home. For longer than I care to admit, two of them had toilets that ran constantly. I didn't repair said toilets because I'm a) lazy, b) forgetful, c) really lazy. The Town of Leesburg, on two occasions, contacted me to let me know that my water usage patterns indicated that I might have a leak of some sort, and that I should contact a plumber. I ignored the Town of Leesburg, not because I'm some sort of Ammon Bundy, Fuck the Government type, but because I'm really fucking lazy.

I paid my water bill on time, every time, even as it was expensive in comparison to my neighbors. (Not so expensive as to overcome my unique personal inertia, though. It didn't hurt that much just to pay the bill.) I discharged my obligation to society, paying for that which I received in terms of utilities.

Possibly the Water Gestapo. Water Nazis at least.

Two nights ago, my wife texted to let me know that the Water Gestapo from the Town of Leesburg had shut off our water, citing the aforementioned Town Code section 34-72. Luckily, she was able to reach them before the end of the business day and tell them that we would repair the leaks. The reinstated water service within the hour. No harm done. Except for the fact that my children won't look me in the eye out of shame.

We had a plumber in today who repaired both toilets and fixed a malfunctioning handle in a third toilet, all for $140. Had I known that's all it would've cost, I'd have had those repairs done a long time ago. As it turns out, I'm not only lazy, I'm cheap. At least when it comes to the mundanity of modern homeownership. I fucking hate spending money on home repairs, my friends. And while you'll say I should be able to make those kinds of repairs myself, and you'll be right, the fact remains that I can't. The obvious irony, I know, is that I spent way more on wasted water than I did on repairs. Don't @ me.

So I stand before you today as a lazy, situationally cheap, and extremely unhandy person, and I ask your understanding.

And for the life of me, where the fuck is a Republican small-government type the one time I really want one. Let me pay my fucking bills and run my faucets wide open if I want, you over-officious jerks.

I'm not proud, friends.