Friday, December 20, 2013

Ba Ba Boxing Day Booey

Fat Guy in a Speedo returns to make your holidays just that much brighter, dropping Premiership science and historical nuggetry.

Season’s Greetings habitués of the internet’s premier sports, music, travel, legal, Romanian lifestyle blog.  It’s that most horrible sporting time of the year when we must suffer through the offerings of the Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl, rare decent college hoops matchup, tail end of the played out NFL season or be forced to watch any of the shit show known as the Knicks before things pick up after the new year. But fear not sports enthusiasts, there is an equally stimulating alternative being played out across the drink on waterlogged pitches for the Boxing Day EPL schedule.

December 26th is known as Boxing Day everywhere around the world of whitey (excepting in ‘merica for reasons unknown to me).  Apparently this is the day when servants and tradesmen would receive gifts from their bosses or employers, known as a "Christmas box ".  Seemingly, in America the only box our forebears’ ‘servants’ would get is a bang on the ear.

Given the fact that most leagues take the Christmas week off and the Germans take three weeks off (how inefficient) it should come as no surprise that our industrious former overlords schedule no less than three games over the holiday week in the English Premier League.  This glut of games not only allows us to watch overpaid foreigners hard at work playing kickball while we sit on our collective arses enjoying treacle tarts but also is thought to be a defining week of the season; afterwards, we know which teams are genuine title contenders and also those doomed to relegation like Fulham (rumors of a decidedly mediocre Clint Dempsey return abound - sadly his wife Bethany would have to follow and watch this travesty).

Regardless, here’s a quick preview of what magic lies in wait for all.

Saturday, Dec. 21 – Not much magic today, a clash of the United’s, Manchester and West Ham might offer yet another embarrassment for the title holders. Currently in 9th place, United look well poised to lose at home yet again to another average side.

Sunday, Dec. 22 – Only two unmagical games to choose from but Southampton-Tottenham is the one to watch. Southampton look great for a broke team of unknowns while Spurs look like crap and have just fired their 9th manager in 12 odd years last week after getting shellacked 5-0 at home to Manchester City.

Monday, Dec. 23 – Schedule heats up to tepid magic today.  Arsenal play Chelsea, both of these title contenders need to notch a win in this always contentious derby.  Look for Chelsea to take it to Arsenal away from home and literally kick these Eurotrash short passers all over the pitch, English style.

Thursday, Dec. 26 – Boxing day is here! All teams are playing so choose wisely but Manchester City vs Liverpool is the obvious headliner. Two more title contenders, City’s oily mercenaries will thump an up and coming Liverpool team and follow it up with a loss to awful Crystal Palace days later. Luis Suarez will have bitten and racially slurred at least two players and will be banned until he’s flogged off to Spain in the January transfer window.

Saturday, Dec. 28 – eh, getting sick of all the magic by now.

Sunday, Dec. 29 – Chelsea vs. Liverpool. I’d favor moving to Ohio over  supporting either of these teams. Watch Everton vs. Southampton instead, NJ hometown hero Tim Howard will shut out these dogs while wondering why he ever ditched this look.

January 1 – Everyone’s sick of footie at this point after watching our teams lose or tie 3 games in succession but we will watch a Manchester United – Tottenham Hotspur shitfest  while preparing for a tasty Rose Bowl matchup. Old school smashmouth football will see the Spartans over the 4 point favorites Stanford and in the strangest bowl matchup, the Pinstripe Bowl will see Rutgers lose but easily cover the 17.5 point spread for Notre Dame who rarely win by double digits, especially when helmed by the pocket-interceptor that is Tommy Rees.  

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”
Oprah Winfrey

33 comments:

Danimal said...

looks like a sprained ankle there.
gnaaaaaarly!

xmas dinner at capital grille last night. i skipped lunch in preparation. rob - you and I drank a manhattan together last night. i then went on to eat a porterhouse the size of your torso. am good through lunch today.

rob said...

i was content with a 16oz ribeye, danimal. still probably good until lunch. rarely eat the red meat these days.

Greg said...

Cowboy cut ribeye?

mayhugh said...

I love the Beef O'Brady's Bowl if only for the commercials for Beef O'Brady's. It's one of those chain restaurants I've never seen in person but only heard about through legend/folklore (like Sonic and I'm sure there are others i can think of). It's probably like a poor man's Bennigan's but when you only see the commercials, the sky is the limit.

zman said...

Not to be confused with Beef Tuelich.

rob said...

couple firestone double jacks for lunch. good start to the holidays.

zman said...

Harvey Firestone?

rob said...

z! huge news. there's a tesla showroom inside tysons corner mall. you can walk right up and pet one.

zman said...

There's one in my local mall as well but I haven't been (I detest malls). I'm interested in seeing the new Model X in the flesh. It's a tall wagon/Honda Crosstour type of thing with gullwing doors. Online it looks like a jellybean with wheels, and not in a good way.

Clarence said...

Hi, Gheorghies!!

Mark said...

Beef O'Brady's is a decided step down from Bennigans (RIP). It's basically bar food in a family friendly atmosphere (big game room for kids, beer/wine and TVs for adults). The food is meh at best. The chain started in Florida so there are tons of them down here. I haven't set foot in one in years. No reason, unless you live in some extra shitty town without a real sports bar.

I did date a girl that worked at Beef O'Bradys in college. She was also a college cheerleader. So, she got me free food/beer and was pretty hot. That's probably why our relationship lasted as long as it did.

TR said...

Point of order on Man U: they have been sucking arse this year, but schmotzed Aston Villa last week and have three very winnable games ahead (Hammers, Hull City, Norwich). They are 10 points back with 22 left to play, so let's not bury them yet.

And they got a sweet draw in the knockout round of the Champs a League (Olympiakos).

Oly! It's the water!

TR said...

A hearty thank you to The Big Lead for introducing me to
Lucy Pinder. She seems very nice.

zman said...

Lucy Pinder! Hammers! Schmotzed! Vintage TR.

rob said...

tribe at home against the goucher gouchos this evening, as they resume play after the break for exams. brandon britt returns from his season-long suspension.

Mark said...

The Knicks have a home game tomorrow but are staying in a hotel tonight because so many guys on the team can't be trusted to not go out and get hammered tonight. Seriously, Woodson instituted a curfew tonight at the hotel. The average age of the Knicks is 30.

Ryan Lecky said...

Dempsey back with Fulham in Jan, him and Berbatov might rawk. Suarez re-signs until 2018 so will be around until summer at least. Avery IPA, GGMU, f Knicks.

rob said...

tr, close observers of gtb would note that lucy pinder graced these pages way back in 2011:

http://gheorghe77.blogspot.com/2011/06/happy-flag-day.html

and that's...one to grow on.

Mark said...

I'm dying over here. http://es.pn/19CUFoo

Danimal said...

New neighbor drives tesla. He's a Frenchy, not that there is anything wrong with that. One of my other neighbors got to drive it. I've yet to meet him.

Did I tell you about my ex who went to Goucher?

rob said...

breaking: goucher is actually nicknamed the gophers. which is even better.

Mark said...

Via the Magic of Twitter I just discovered that there is a PG signed to Michigan State named Lourawls Nairn. That is the greatest first name of all time. I'm not accepting any further entries.

Mark said...

Is Gophers the worst animal nickname around for a sports team? I think it might be.

rob said...

golden gophers is pretty dope

Mark said...

In no way intimidating. Gains points for being uncommon. And you're in the bag for all things Minnesota.

rob said...

banana slugs? lord jeffs? blue hose?

Ken Thring said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mr kq said...

The National's "Trouble Will Find Me" is pairing well with Dale's Pale right about now. Solid all the way through. Both, that is.

rob said...

moved from double jack to double bastard. gonna be seeing double soon.

TR said...

For anybody counting, there are now three Eastern Conference teams over .500 and ten Western Conference teams over .500. Ridiculous.

The Bucks are 5-21 and are 5.5 games out.

Mark said...

I don't think banana slugs counts as an animal in my personal rankings. Just wrapped presents for two hours. That'll leave a lot of drinking time on Christmas Eve.

zman said...

Lourawls Nairn, you've made me so very happy!

Dave said...

nice job, "fat guy". what channel do i need to watch these games?