Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Shaolin Lumber Company, alternately titled "Finding Inspiration In Defeat: This Post Makes Me As Happy As A Perfect Double-Tapered Shit"

I returned from last year's OBFT fully prepared to write an inspired post. I got this far before the wheels fell off:
The G:TB Editorial Summit at OBFT XVII was remarkably hiphop. We got to the bottom of many rap-related questions, like:

- Who shot Biggie?
- Who shot Tupac?
- Who shot Jam Master Jay?
- Who shot the deputy?
- What are industry rules number one through four thousand and seventy-nine?

I'm kidding. The Summit was preposterously unhiphop. About a dozen white guys between the ages of 32 and 40 piled into a historic landmark on the beach in North Carolina to drink yellow American beer and play cornhole while listening to classic rock. And they all went to William and Mary. A golf foursome consisting of Lindsey Graham, Rupert Murdoch, Andrea Bocelli, and Richard Posner might be more hiphop.

We did, however, ponder a post-worth problem: If the Wu-Tang Clan decided to field a baseball team, what would be the proper batting order, assuming that the order is based upon each MC's flow and not his batting prowess.

This issue is about as important as the ethics of time travel. I can't wait for Chuck Klosterman to rip us off.

After deliberation with the rest of the staff (just Mark really), I arrived at the following lineup:

ODB - high on base percentage as he's a basehead
Inspectah Deck - doesn't take anything off the table, adds value now and then
Raekwon - the start of rap's murderer's row
GFK - the most productive guy in the crew, Pretty Toney bats cleanup despite calling himself "rap's Derek Jeter"
GZA - bats ahead of Meth solely on the strength of Liquid Swords, I won't argue if you swap them
Meth - could move up in the order if he'd put the pipe down; rap's murderer's row ends here
RZA - likely a much better manager than player
Masta Killa - meh
U-God - mah

Cappadonna pinch hits.

For some reason I decided to do a little internet research into this issue because something told me it wasn't completely novel. That's when I found this: a fantasy baseball game pitting the Wu-Tang Clan against Bruce Sprinsteen and the E Street Band.

I was desolate and abandoned the post, leaving it to rot in the "drafts" folder. Another OBFT came and went and the post remained festering like a blister in the sun that is our works-in-progress. Teedge, in his role as Doofus Overlord, asked me to revist the post.

Which brings us up to date.

I considered tearing apart the "Flip Flop Fly Ball" analysis (U-God leads off?! Raekwon has no hits?! Ghostface bats eighth?!? EIGHTH?!??! And although I appreciate the humor in Bruce pitching/Patti catching, there's no way Springsteen bats ninth.) but the rest of their site is pretty cool and even a bit Gheorghe. Who the hell am I to rip someone else's efforts at making a humorous mix of sports and music?

In fact, through Flip Flop Fly Ball I found this NFSW gem:



I plan to figure out how to work the phrase "perfect double-tapered shit" into at least one conversation per day ... without actually talking about a bowel movement. Hence the title of this post.

Thank you, Flip Flop Fly Ball, for giving me new purpose just as swiftly as you took it from me.

14 comments:

TR said...

Chris Pratt (from Parks & Rec and Moneyball) is married to Anna Farris. Good job by that guy. He just sold high on his company stock. And to a girl who must be filthy tich by now.

rob said...

excellent start to the summer of zman, coming to a blogplex near you.

rob said...

what's the record for most consecutive posts referencing gfk?

T.J. said...

Who is Pratt playing in Moneyball?

T.J. said...

Scott Hatteberg
/lolz

T.J. said...

Peroni...Pullen...same thing:

Former Kansas State guard Jacob Pullen has signed a contract to play for Pallacanestro Biella of the Italian League.

zman said...

Ghostface: The Blog

Jerry said...

This year we actually did squeeze in about 90 minutes of hip-hop (and other) played from my phone before the whites arrived.

rob said...

red stripe is not american, mon

zman said...

Ray LaMontagne on Palladium. As if you really want to watch the All Star Game.

Mark said...

Meg & Jack White were at OBFT?

rob said...

josh beckett just tweaked his knee warming up. all sox players have my permission to fake injuries and not play. or, as it's known, 'pull a jeter'.

TR said...

Jeter was miffed by that comment for a moment. And then he realized Minka Kelly was swallowing his sausage, and his irritation subsided...

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