Week 4 NCAA Picks: Quantity, Not Quality

In which we make up for our obvious lack of prognosticating skills by giving you more picks.

Miami (FL) @ Virginia Tech (+2)
I don't buy the Miami resurgence. I think Oklahoma's gonna go all Boomer Sooner on them in a few weeks, with or without Sam Bradford. Jacory Harris seems almost as likely to do something moronic as he is to do something dazzling (noteworthy evidence in favor of this position: his threat/promise to wear a pink suit to the Heisman ceremony should he be invited). And against Bud Foster's turnover-happy Hokies, Harris will be given all sorts of opportunities to wear the metaphorical pink suit of ignominy.

On the other hand, I don't buy Virginia Tech's offense. At all. Tyrod Taylor simply isn't very good at quarterbacking the football. He's Jacory Harris without the style. Eh, that's not fair to Harris. More accurately, he's Brian Randall without the skill.

What we have here is a dilemma, boys and girls. ACC Football, it's flawwwwtastic. After much consultation and several coin flips, we like Miami to go to Lane and pull out a win. We also like ESPN to go all in on the 'Canes over the next several weeks, with feature stories on Bernie Kosar's hair straightening, Lamar Thomas' post-Teague redemption and fall from grace, Randy Shannon's quiet confidence and gambling addiction, and Warren Sapp's Japanese commercial acting career.

Bonus Worst Game in America

Middle Tennessee State @ North Texas (+7.5)

The Raiders take on the Mean Green in this battle of schools that may or may not be fictional and almost certainly served as the inspiration for the Scott Bakula/Kathy Ireland vehicle, 'Necessary Roughness'. MTSU beat Maryland, 32-31, last week, stretching their winning streak against the Terps to 2. North Texas got predictably stomped, 53-7, by Alabama. It may be a measure of the program's history that USA Today calls their 1-2 start 'a pleasant surprise'.

MTSU has a win over Memphis in addition to Maryland, which North Texas features a freshman quarterback with the terrific name of Riley Dodge. As much as we'd like to go with the kid, the results on the field are pretty compelling. Raiders coast in Denton.

Illinois @ Ohio State (-15.5): Tough game to pick here. I'm morally opposed to picking in favor of Ron Zook, unless its a barefoot waterskiing competition. That guy is an animal on the open water. Off topic: Anyone remember when he nearly lost a foot during a waterskiing accident while the Head Coach at Florida? Yeah, well, he did and I think that anecdote is the perfect summation of his ill-fated tenure in Gainesville. Good times, gone terribly (nearly tragically) wrong. Anywho, I don't want to bet on Towlie here but I also don't believe in Ohio State. They lost a ton of defense last year and their one offensive palymake is Terelle Pryor. And, he is terribly overrated. He doesn't throw very well and he seems to shy way from contact which limits his effectiveness as a running threat despite his size and speed. Personally, I think he'd be better off saying fuck it, moving to WR and maximizing his significant physical gifts. But, what the hell do I know? I'll tell you what I know...15.5 is waaay too many points to give up in what looks to be the football equivalent of two down syndrome kids mud wrestling. I'll take Illinoize and the points. Remember folks: Ron Zook sees improvement and they are going to get things corrected.

Arkansas @ Alabama (-14): Anyone see the Arkansas-Georgia game last week? That was fun wasn't it? Its nice to see shootouts in the SEC from time to time. It balances out the AFC North style slugfests that we so often see when two top tier SEC teams square off (think LSU-Auburn of the mid 2000s). Well, I have some bad news. This isn't going to be one of those games. While the Razorbacks' offense is definitely legit, its defense is definitely shit. They couldn't stop Joe Cox last week and, believe me, Greg McElroy is much better than the Ginger Ninja. On the other hand, the Tide's defense is light years ahead of the shit that Willie Martinez is throwing out on the field in Athens these days (Seriously Willie, it might be time to start revising that resume. And umm, it might also be time to stop going by Willie. You are not British, black or under 10) and they'll prove to be a far stiffer test than the Dogs were. Bama has early round NFL draft picks in all three areas of their defense (Cody, Arenas, McClain, Hightower, etc.) and an evil little man caning them and feeding them raw hyena intestines Monday through Friday. Did I also mention that Bama has 4, yes 4, talented tailbacks that all play? Yeah, well, there's that too. Fuck all that bullshit talk about Miami. As of today, Alabama's the best team in the country, and as much as Nick Saban respects Bobby Petrino's ability to lie to and shit all over people who have trusted him and paid him exorbitant amounts of cash, thats not going to help Hogs one bit tomorrow. Alabama by at least 17.

Okay, boys and girls. That's all you're getting for now, unless TJ, TR, Zoltan or any other member of ever growing yet still unbelievably lazy staff decide to get off their ample posteriors and, you know, actually do their job. Be safe out there. Which, of course, is my way of saying. Get drunk and fight somebody...though not necessarily in that order.