Seasons Greetings To All (GTB covers all the bases)

Merry Christmas...Have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye... Happy Hannukah...On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! It's Hanukkah Harry 8 nights a year...
Happy Kwanza (the Disney Empire never ceases to amaze me)...

A brief Wiz Watch, and some other junk

The Washington Wizards have always flown under the radar in this town (until April of last year at least), mainly because they've sucked something awful for years, but right now they're very lucky the Redskins are making a valiant push for the postseason. After last year's surprise 45 win season and 1st round playoff series win over the Bulls, a lot was expected of the Wiz, even with the departure of Larry Hughes. As of December 20th, 2005, the current edition of the Washington Wizards has played like dogs. But the Dave Feldmans and Brett Habers and George Michaels of the world are paying them no mind, at least as long as the Redskins keep the train rolling. However, when that train stops, Eddie Jordan might actually want to have his team winning a few games. Missing the playoffs in the East is simply not acceptable. After just over a quarter of the season, the ugliness in numbers...

The Washington Wizards, 9-14 (2-6 since last we spoke)
3rd in the Southeast Division
11th in the Eastern Conference (at this rate I'm going to owe Whitney two cases of beer)

This time last year, the Wizards were 14-9, upstarts in the Eastern Conference, just warming up in fact. They began the New Year with a 7 game win streak and never looked back, garnering the 5th seed in the East. This year, however, they seem listless and uninspired, with each game being an absolute struggle. The current holiday West Coast road trip is killing them, as they have already dropped games to the Lakers (by 6), Portland (by 6) and Seattle last night (by 10). Jesus christ fellas, you just easily beat two of those teams at home a month ago (crushing Seattle by 41 in fact!). Sunday night in Portland the Ebony and Ivory Ace and Gary, Steve Blake and Juan Dixon, shot you down in Portland (in front of what looked like 3,000 fans...I'm not even kidding, that Greg Oden high school game on ESPN had more fans present) . The Wiz need to salvage a game on this trip, and that means beating either the banged up Nuggets (hey, shocker, Marcus Camby is hurt) or the Amare-less Suns (however, look out for Paris Basket Racing's second biggest star, high-flying Frenchman Boris Diaw). An 0-5 West Coast swing could have lasting effects, physically and mentally, on what I perceive as an already tired bunch.

Is it the personnel, is it the coaching, is it just an early season slump? Is Larry Hughes really that important? I'm not quite sure myself, but I've watched way more Wiz games than ever before, and the real problem (start the broken record) seems to be on the defensive end (and the glass). The Wiz are still getting tremendous individual offensive performances from Gilbert Arenas and Antawn Jamison, with Caron Butler chipping in off the bench:
- Gilbert Arenas, 28 points, 6 assists and 1.5 steals per game
- Antawn Jamison, 18 points, 11 rebounds per game
- Caron Butler, 15 points, 5 rebounds and 2 assists per game

Obviously, the team continues to score points - they're 6th in the league at 99.1 points per game (pretty amazing considering they are 27th in the league in field goal percentage, at 42.9). But, lookee here, the Wiz give up 99.3 points per game, 26th in the league (they're barely ahead of the Hawks, 76ers, Raptors and Sonics). That level of ineptitude on the defensive end does not a playoff contender make.

As to the poor performance on the glass, you cannot get outrebounded night in and night out without getting a little frustrated. The Wiz often get only one shot off (Gilbert for 3!), as they lack any active bodies to crash the offensive glass, and they repeatedly give opponents second and third looks by failing to box out and grab a defensive board (I still see guards grabbing boards left and right against the Wiz). Eddie Jordan needs to get this team straightened out, and fast, because there is no way in hell I'm starting a Weekly Caps Watch.
***************
Oh poor Vince Carter, I'm crying in my coffee pal...
Asked about his favorite moments from the NCAA Tournament, Vince Carter whined:
"I don't have any favorite moments. We lost in the Final Four twice, so geez, that's my least favorite," Carter said. "Every time I look at Andre Miller and Mike Bibby, boy ... I lost to Utah and Arizona. But it's okay."

The New Jersey Devils coach, Larry Robinson, stepped down because he can't sleep, he's stressed out, and he's got "pounding headaches". In that case, I would imagine Dick Vermeil, Denny Green and Bill Parcells were primed to call it quits Monday morning. Sack up buddy.

If I were to tell you one QB would lose by 45 points on Monday night, taking a seat in the 3rd quarter, and you had to choose between Brett Favre and Kyle Boller, I don’t think we would need a recount to figure out the winner. As geriatric Lee Corso might say, “Not so fast my friend”. It was Boller starring on MNF and Favre looking as terrible as I have ever seen him. I think Peter King hung himself last night. After that debacle, there is no way Favre could retire now, right? 3-13 and on the worst team of his career? He ain't going out like that...

OK, no Nomar in NY next season, instead he joins the cast of "Red Sox West" in Los Angeles, joining Grady Little, Bill Mueller and Derek Lowe. Nomar's gonna play 1B for the Dodgers, which should be entertaining as hell. Does anyone reading this really care? Probably not, but my favorite ex-FSN reporter came to Nomar's press conference, not as a reporter, but as the trophy mistress of Derek Lowe, and really, I couldn't resist the temptation to get Ms. Hughes and Mr. Lowe some more facetime on GTB. Ain't they the cutest?

Tonight’s New Orleans Bowl…yeah, uh, it sucks? 6-5 Southern Miss vs. 6-5 Arkansas State. Jerry already addressed this game, but seriously, it needs to be said again...Arkansas State might be the worst bowl team ever. As long as Southern Miss takes the field, semi-sober, this is a Chris Fowler Woodshed Special. Southern Miss 42, Arkansas State 13.

GTB's Link of the Day: "The Chappelle Theory" (I have absolutely no idea what to make of this)

GTB’s Twelve Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Worldwide Leader sent to me (another excuse for a list)…

Twelve drummers drumming,
Not to overdo the Hot Stove thing, but I couldn't let this go - all the reports out of NY now say Nomar will be playing 1B for the Yankees next year. Extremely interesting, given this guy has never played a game of 1B in his life. I realize Nomar is trying to be as flexible as possible and show he has value to teams at several positions, but I don't know if I'm on board with this. The Great Juicini did have a .440 OBP and .975 OPS last year, though watching him play the field is as painful as watching the UPN Monday lineup. Perhaps Nomar can rise above that…

Eleven pipers piping,
Billy Beane, I hope you know what the hell you're doing, because Crazy Uncle Milty is indeed insane, and there is no doubt in my mind he causes a stir before the year is done. Hell, he might punch Esteban Loaiza in the face during Spring Training for fun. I know I would. I hope Mr. Beane realizes Loaiza’s 3.98 ERA occurred in Washington, the easiest pitcher’s park in the league...

Ten lords a-leaping,
Speaking of pansy-ass pitchers, news yesterday that whiny bitch Javy Vazquez got his wish and gets traded, to the World Series Champs no less. Fragile mentally and physically, I think very little of Javy, obviously. Vazquez is a giant vagina with a live arm (crazy visual I know). El Duque, though 79 years old, is still a better bet in Chicago. Between Vazquez (6+ IP, 7 ER, 7 BB) and Kevin Brown (3+ IP, 9 ER, 4 BB) in the 2004 ALCS, it was a race to see who could wet themselves first. GM Kenny Williams seems to be a smart guy, and has upgraded a champ already, but he will be disappointed in Vazquez...

Nine ladies dancing,
We here at GTB only need two ladies, and not necessarily dancing either (getting to know each other in a bathroom stall works just as well). We give you the holiday tale that made us forget the Vikings Sex Boat antics (and remember our love for ladies loving each other), Angela and Renee, the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders. Gob bless you ladies, and may you someday soon reappear in a run down Winnebago in the parking lot of Raymond James Stadium...

Eight maids a-milking,
College hoops is in full swing, and based on their performance the other night, Wake Forest better learn to make some free throws and fast. A guy who you’ve never heard of but is a star: Depaul’s Sammy Mejia. The 6’6” junior from the Bronx had 24 points and 9 boards against the Demon Deacons, and will be a force in the new uber Big East. A mid major you won’t hear mentioned until March but who will win a tournament game: Iona, out of the MAAC.

Seven swans a-swimming,
What assfaces Pat Riley AND Stan Van Gundy are for putting us through that sham of a press conference the other day. Riles especially, that pompous ass should've just taken back the job in the summer. The odd thing though is the normally hyperactive sports media didn't swarm on this story like I thought they would. I think I've heard more about Howard Stern's move to satellite radio in the last week than the Riles/Heat story (Jackie “The Jokeman” Martling made his return this morning…). And if you don't think Shaq had anything to do with this coaching change, well, I've got some AnalBibs to sell you...

Six geese a-laying,
The Buffalo Bills are in complete shambles. Willis McGahee, who can’t seem to shut his yap, had 3 yards on 8 carries last week (and he has the best damn agent in the world too, Drew Rosenhaus). Eric Moulds is publicly dissing the coach because he isn’t getting the ball enough. The only way this situation could be worse is if Norv Turner was piloting this ship (in case you haven’t heard, Norv will be free this winter to pursue other opportunities)...

Five golden rings,
OK, no one pays attention to track and field, I know this, but this Tim Montgomery story is a pretty big deal. Sure, this wasn’t a “regular” trial in the traditional sense, it was a proceeding by the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS), but Montgomery was convicted of doping based soley on circumstantial evidence. They ruled there was "uncontroverted" evidence that Montgomery had used banned drugs and stripped him of all records and medals, based on witness testimony and grand jury testimony and six year old records from a Mexican drug testing facility (I'm sure a high quality facility). If that were all that were needed here, there would be a whole lotta MLB players shitting bricks. Even Jack McCoy would lose those cases...

Four calling birds,
Can’t AMC devote a day to these films and at least pretend to be in the holiday spirit, instead of showing The Delta Force, Above the Law and Harlem Nights? (and yes, listed below are the four worst Christmas films of all time)
The Santa Clause
Jingle All the Way
Eight Crazy Nights
Ernest Saves Christmas (I mean, seriously, "air brakes"…and yes, I did see this flick…in the theater no less)...

Three French hens,
Am I the only guy who thinks everybody is WAAAY ahead of themselves with this Colts going 16-0 thing? I think the Colts are losing 1 of their last 3 games even if they don’t rest their starters for a second. The Colts last three games before perfection:
8-5 San Diego
at 11-2 Seattle
4-9 Arizona.
The Chargers absolutely have to win that game to make the playoffs, no matter what their record no one respects Seattle so they’ll have something to prove, and Arizona…well, two teams have a shot at this. I smell 15-1...

Two turtle doves,
I, along with 22 other donkeys, still have a shot to win our Last Man Standing Pool. With that said, my best chance, BEST chance, this week lays in the reefer smoking, baby dropping hands of the Miami Dolphins, against my beloved Jets no less. My winnings are in the hands of the Joseph Hazelwood of NFL QBs...

And a partridge in a pear tree!
Tim Tebow, meet Urban Meyer. Mark did a terrific job looking at this the other day, so I won’t pretend to be a college recruiting guru and make stuff up (though I did watch some of ESPNs program about Tebow). All I know is that if this kid is the real deal the Renaissance is on in G’ville and there are many happy dudes with short haircuts, OCD and a propensity to fight.

- GTB, Making The Yuletide Gay Since 2003

Hot Stove Hot Action

It’s that time of year again…Billy Beane drunk dialing Omar Minaya at 2am to see if Kaz Matsui can be had…Royals GM Allard Baird crying himself to sleep every night…Indians fans everywhere thinking 2006 can be their year…there’s been a ton of activity since the MLB season ended, so why not take a look at what teams have been up to since the Chicago White Sox won the World Series and made Cub fans feel even worse about themselves (gotta do this now before we all get distracted by the National Football League playoffs):

Los Jankees
Nothing, absolutely fucking nothing. Well, that’s not completely fair, as the Yankees managed to dump Tony Womack on the Reds yesterday for some minor league pitchers and a lock of Schottzie’s hair. Tanyon Sturtze took a stab, stuck his hands out, and was given $1.5 million for being a non-abortive member of the bullpen. I can’t even discuss what a mess Kyle Farnsworth is going to be under the NY spotlight.

Texas Rangers
These guys have been trying to move a ton of big names since the season ended, and they finally succeeded, trading Alfonso Soriano to the Chocolate City Nats at the Winter Meetings. The Rangers picked up Brad Wilkerson (a personal favorite), Terrmel Sledge and a minor league pitcher in the deal. I guess that’s good for them, since they didn’t want to pay Soriano $10 million next year, but the guys they got back aren’t exactly superstars. Where’s the big league arm a talent like Soriano warrants? The Rangers need a pitcher or two who can keep their ERA below 5.00 for a season.

Toronto Blue Jays
The Canadian Dollars have been flowing like Molson at a Maple Leafs game this offseason. A.J. Burnett and B.J. Ryan grabbed a combined $102 million from J.P. Ricciardi (and Cola). The Jays then obtained Lyle Overbay from the Brew Crew for Gabe Gross and David Bush (both decent young talents). However, for a 1B, Overbay displays Swint-esque pop at the plate. All I know is the Blue Jays look significantly better on paper, and as mentioned above, I ain’t seen jack from the Yankees in the way of improvement.

Atlanta Braves
There’s really nothing to question here, because it seems like Braves GM John Schuerholz never makes a mistake. He dumped catcher Eric Estrada on the Diamondbacks, getting back a donkey in lefty reliever Lance Cormier and a fireballer in Oscar Villareal. I would say both these guys would thrive in Atlanta, but Leo Mazzone took his pitching expertise and Parkinsons to Baltimore, all because Sam Perlozzo once gave him a monogrammed flask.

Chicago Cubs
No Rafael Furcal, so crackbaby Juan Pierre will have to do. Solid addition to the top of that lineup, and apparently a class act. Which is going to be needed if the Cubs manage to swap Todd walker for Milton Bradley. Forget the Felix Pie jersey Swint, get the game worn and blood stained Bradley jersey, right after he kills a guy in Section 142 for mocking the trade.

Los Angeles Dodgers
What a big week…Rafael Furcal and new manager Grady Little land in LA. You might remember Little as the guy who left Pedro in Game 7 just a tad too long…or perhaps as Sheriff Andy Taylor. This team fell apart last year, and has so many holes to fill I don’t even know where to start. Luckily, Derek Lowe has stepped up and offered to fill one gaping hole we know of…

Boston Red Sox
All the talk is about where hitting savant Manny Ramirez will be traded, but he’s still a Red Sox and I don’t see where Boston is going to get proper value in return. Speaking of getting value in return, Edgar Renteria, thanks for stopping by, hope you enjoyed Faneuil Hall and the T. The Red Sox traded Renteria to the Braves for uberprospect Andy Marte, a guy Peter Gammons has manlove for, so he’s gotta be good, right? Still, didn’t Boston pull the cord just a bit soon on Renteria, especially given they have no immediate replacement at SS?

Cincinnati Reds
Hey, we suck, so does Pittsburgh, let’s make a trade so we can see our names in the paper. So do they trade one of their 8 OFs? (Adam Dunn, Austin Kearns, Wily Mo Pena, Eric Davis, Reggie Sanders, Deion Sanders, Ron Gant or Greg Vaughn) Nope, they trade the most popular player in town, “The Mayor” Sean Casey for pitcher Dave Williams. (Whit, I believe you can still be called “The Mayor” too, but there is a 12 month waiting period)

Pittsburgh Pirates
I feel bad for fans in Pittsburgh. Just a decade ago (ok, maybe more like 15 years ago) the Pirates were regular contenders, with wonderful humans like Bobby Bonilla and Barry Bonds leading the team into battle. Now, they’re just plain awful. So far, they’ve traded two lefty SPs and an invaluable utility guy…these players are hard to come by, yet the Pirates have no qualms shipping them off? OK, Pirates fans, more bad news…Big Ben has a bad thumb and the football team is also in trouble. At least you have the Penguins back.

Kansas City Poop
Welcome to Kansas City…hello? Anyone? GM Allard Baird has even more trouble getting people to take his money than the Orioles. Paul Byrd even said no. You know, the guy with the junk arm who looks like Frazier. Ah yes, but there is a match – trade with the Pirates: Mark Redman for some dude named Jonah and the proverbial player to be name later. Well done Allaird. No wonder Rob Neyer wants to light you on fire.

New York Mets
I don’t know who’s had a busier December, Omar and the Mets or Butt and the Holiday Party circuit? Where do I start with these guys? Omar Minaya is dropping cash like Freeland at a strip club. Carlos Delgado, Billy Wagner, come on down. Need a catcher, I heard the Marlins are having a blue light special – grab Paul Lo Duca. The most comical of all Mets moves had to be yesterday’s announcement that they signed Lazarus…er Julio Franco (to back up Delgado). Franco’s been around so long he backed up Richie Hebner in Philly in the 70s. Good for the Mets though – if you’ve got the cash, you might as well spend it. (uh, Brian Cashman, has someone stolen your wallet?)

Seattle Mariners
Remember when these guys were good? Nope, me neither. They’re bringing Jamie Moyer back, but somehow I don’t know if that will satisfy Ichiro, who finally took a liking to the fine American tradition of stars bitching to the media. Perhaps it was Ichrio’s whining that led to the FA signing of his countryman, C Kenji Johjima (who by the way, doesn’t speak English…does he plan on bringing flash cards to the mound?)

Houston Astros
Will Roger Clemens stay or will he go? Who cares. Let Richard Justice worry about that stuff and bore the PTI guys with the drama. The bigger concern for the Astros – their only real move in the offseason has been the re-signing of Orlando Palmeiro. Not exactly a boost to ticket sales or pennant hopes.

Chicago White Sox
They won the World Series, traded for slugger Jim Thome, re-signed slugger Paul Konerko, traded lefty reliever Damaso Marte (who Ozzie Guillen hated) to the Pirates for Rob Mackowiak and cut ties to Frank Thomas and amateur paleontologist crazy car Everett. Depending on how Ozzie handles this whole “I won a WS after just one year managing” thing, the White Sox are in great position for 2006. Then again, Ken Williams could just as easily come into the clubhouse one day next season and see Guillen Greco-Roman wrestling Pablo Ozuna for a Chipotle Grilled Stuft Burrito while Bobby Jenks fills out the lineup card in crayon.

Baltimore Orioles
Ramon Hernandez, 4 years, $27.5 million? Wow. No wonder Miguel "B-12" Tejada wants out. Can anyone say “Tejada for Manny”? There seems to be a SS vacancy in Boston.

Detroit Tigers
Hmm, Todd Jones and Kenny Rogers? The Tigers signed Jones to a 2 year deal worth $11 million and Rogers to a 2 year deal worth $16 million (I have a funny feeling Mitch Albom is going to have a field day with Kenny and his surly-ness). Oh yeah, Pudge is supposedly gay.

San Diego Padres
They should change their name from Padres to Hometown Discount. A little long and cumbersome, but accurate. And really, why would anyone want to leave San Diego? Trevor Hoffman and Brian Giles certainly didn’t want to leave. Hoffman turned down 3 years, $21 million from the Indians and Giles took the discount rather than shift to an east coast power. I’m sure the NY press is bummed they won’t get to report on Giles’ supposed naked BP.

Arizona Diamondbacks
These guys suck. But they've got a new catcher...

Florida Marlins
I would say the second biggest story this offseason (to the Mets spending spree) is yet another fire sale by the Marlins franchise. This team has only been around 13 years, yet they’ve managed to now hold two fire sales and win two World Series (the second title aided by many of the players in the first fire sale). Ok, enough use of the term “fire sale”. Sorry, thought I was Jayson Stark for a second. According to experts, of which I am certainly not one, the Marlins have done very well in their latest series of trades, considering they dumped their entire starting lineup. But there is no way Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera are happy campers right now.

Minnesota Twins
Luis Castillo for two young pitchers doesn't sound like a very good move. You’ve come to expect more of the Twins higher-ups (well, minus not seeing the skills of David Ortiz). I’ll just say it – they got fleeced. Castillo is 30 years old, his speed has deserted him and he’s progressively getting worse. The kid Travis Bowyer they traded away has my favorite attribute in a young pitcher, a “live arm”. And he might even be the Marlins closer next year.

Los Angeles Angels of Guadalajara
Artie Moreno is less popular than Carlos Menica right now. He wants Manny, but it’s unlikely that will happen. Grab Mike Piazza, pay him tons to DH, and pray he doesn’t end up like Tim Salmon…

Philadelphia Phillies
That Ryan Howard guy is good eh? Enjoy 38 year old closer Tom Gordon. Start saving up the D batteries Phillies fans. Ed Wade might need protective custody by May of next season.

St. Louis Cardinals
The Cards are almost as suspiciously quiet as the Yankees. Perhaps Tony LaRussa is busy wrapping up his next project, the Brian Billick co-authored book, “Yes, We Really Are That Much Smarter Than You.”

San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds (I’m just getting primed for Spring Training)

Oakland Athletics
Billy Beane is a genius...blah blah blah…that’s all I got, I’m starting to drag…

Washington Nationals
The home town Nats are led by a lame duck GM who just traded for the Latino Rob Deer (that's right, I'm recycling my own jokes). Jim Bowden is most likely going to get canned the minute the Nats have a new owner (if that ever occurs), so why not try the bold move. Big red flag here – Bowden expects Soriano to happily shift to the OF, because all star Jose Vidro is staying at 2B. Um, Soriano has rebuked all attempts in the past to shift to the OF. Enjoy that pissing contest Frank Robinson.

Cleveland Indians
Bob Wickman still there? Yep, one-year deal worth $5 million. I can sleep easy.

Milwaukee Brewers
Dennis and I were very psyched to see Overbay shipped to Toronto, opening the 1B slot for our stud fantasy 1B Prince Fielder. That kid is a beast. And welcome back Danny Knob. Atlanta GM John Schuerholz hated Knobber so much he traded him back to the Brewers for Wes Obermueller and a George Plimpton hotplate.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Dewon Brazelton got shipped out, and it only took him going AWOL for 3 weeks of the 2005 season. I think this is the season the Rays finally finish out of the cellar (reach for the stars Carl Crawford)...meaning I think the Orioles finish in dead last, battered and bruised and begging for more Old Bay on their fries.

Colorado Rockies
When one of your offseason priorities is re-signing Byung-Hyun Kim, you've already given up. And so have I…

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Let's see, what do we have this morning...it's freezing outside, the Wheelhouse is starting to tackle Bowl Games (and has a good look at the NFC playoff picture, from a Skins' fans perspective), Drunk and Stupid contributes some shots at a guy with a goiter, and perhaps someday soon Whitney will let us all know how he feels about the new look Mets (and Squirrel, read this...I hope you're not a Ryan fan). Where does that leave this guy? Holiday films...yeah, that's the ticket. The "Best of Christmas Films" discussion is overdone (for this guy, nothing beats Christmas Vacation...and if you've never seen one of the more underrated Christmas flicks, AMC has decided to show The Ref roughly 2,000 times in the next month), so instead I've been pondering "non-traditional" Christmas films, those movies where Christmas is peripheral to the actual plot of the film, but the holiday nonetheless manages to creep into the fabric of the movie (some input from Butt on this list too - somehow, Jay's Saloon has become quite a muse)...

Gremlins
At it's heart, it's a monster movie. Dumbass Billy Peltzer does not listen to Mr. Miyagi's rules for caring for his Christmas present, which just happens to be a unknown furry creature of Orient descent I guess (not a stretch at all). Well, Billy manages to feed his new pet Gizmo after midnight AND spill water on him, leading to the spawning of some nasty "brothers" for Giz (nasty, but fiendishly funny as well). The new lil' monsters take over the town and cause more havoc than Andy Dick at Suede. Terrific supporting performances by Corey Feldman as Billy's little brother (I think), and of course, everyone's early 80s sweetheart Phoebe Cates...who is not a huge fan of Christmas because her dad apparently got stuck in the chimney one Christmas and died trying to bring her family presents. Good idea by Pops, pretty bad (ahem) execution. Needless to say, Kingston Falls has seen better days...I particularly enjoy Billy's mom disposing of the Gremlins in her kitchen in various creative methods, all while that Christmas fav "Do You Hear What I Hear" plays in the background. Murray Futterman getting a bulldozer through the front of his house was a nice touch too (though somehow Murray doesn't die and appears in Gremlins 2, but luckily, just like Rocky 5, we can pretend that movie never happened.

Lethal Weapon
In my estimation, the best buddy cop action movie of all time (right now all five Nick Nolte fans are feverishly sending me hate email with their stubby little cabbage-smelling fingers). I think the tagline line says it all: "Two Cops. Glover carries a weapon...Gibson is one. He's the only L.A cop registered as a Lethal Weapon." Martin Riggs is a tad unstable, and the Christmas season just really seems to be pushing him over the age. Great shoot out at the Christmas tree lot, and excellent use of an eggnog carton later in the film. Riggs and Murtaugh survive car chases, shootings and a little torture, but eventually prevail. Kudos to Gary Busey as Mr. Joshua for playing one of the best action film villains of the last 20 years. What a psycho (I'm talking both in the movie and in real life).

Die Hard and Die Hard 2
If I'm gonna throw all this praise Lethal Weapon's way, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the action epic Die Hard (and to a lesser degree Dulles-based Die Hard 2, which kept the Christmas spirit and threw in a US Senator and Dennis Franz to boot). The original Die Hard is an absolute classic - I can't even count how many films have ripped it off in the 17 years since it's release. Down on his luck John McClane just hopes to make it throught the holidays with his estranged wife Holly Gennero, but some German terrorists have other ideas. Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber rivals the aforementioned Mr. Joshua as a classic action film bad guy (both Top 10 on this guy's list). Of course John McClane triumphs over the bad dudes, but Argyle steals the show, jamming out with champagne and an oversized stuffed animal to the greatest Christmas song of all time, Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis". Huge points too for the "Ho Ho Ho Now I Have A Machine Gun" scene.

The Poseidon Adventure
We're talking the Ernest Borgnine 1972 original here, not the recent piece of shit Steve Guttenberg 2005 TV version (by the way, other notables in the 2005 version - Rutger Hauer, Peter Weller and C. Thomas Howell...a murderer's row of talent if you ask me). Borgnine, Gene Hackman, Roddy McDowell (Planet of the Apes fame) and crazy ass Shelly Winters try to survive on a capsized cruise ship. I'm cheating a bit here because I think it's actually between Christmas and New Year's in this flick, but let's just say the oversized Christmas tree plays a vital role in the plot. Just one of many 1970s disaster flicks, I always enjoyed the tale of the S.S Poseidon, as much for it's ridiculous overacting as for it's even more ridiculous plot of an oceanliner being tipped over by a tidal wave (the tagline: "Hell, Upside Down") and those trapped inside attempting to make it to the top (or is it bottom?) of the ship to survive.

An Affair To Remember
OK, this one I got from the FFMD. I have only caught bits and pieces of this movie on Turner Classic Movies over the years, and never have tuned in for longer than 10 minutes, even though I find Cary Grant to be absolutely dreamy. Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr fall in love while on a cruise ship, but oops, they're already getting married to other folks once they dock. They decide to meet six months later at the Empire State Building (I believe on Valentine's Day). Given it's 1957 release, this has gotta be one of the earliest chick flicks right? Oh yeah, Kerr never makes it to the Empire State Building as scheduled, but the two are finally reunited...on Christmas Day (roll credits). I know, a bit of a stretch, but I figured the list needed to be just a bit longer.

Oh, and if anyone was wondering, my favorite Easter movie of all time?
The Passion of the Christ
(and with that folks, we end today's session, as I was just hit by lightning).

A Terribly Belated Wiz Watch

Before we dive into the second installment of GTB's Wiz Watch, Happy Birthday to the MCI Center, which turned 8 years old last evening (the hometown team couldn't even deliver a W as a present, but we'll get into that in a second). To celebrate the big day, Abe Pollin took the MCI and all it's friends (except whiny Byrd Stadium) to Pizza Hut and Chuck E. Cheese, followed by a matinee showing of this season's smash hit comedy, "Cheaper by the Dozen 2".

With all apologies to Sergio Leone (or should I say Con todas disculpas a Sergio Leona?), let's take a look at the Washington Wizards through the season's first 15 games...

Les Boulez, 7-8 (started the season 5-1)
T-2nd in the Southeast Division (with Orlando)
T-8th in the Eastern Conference (with Orlando and New Jersey)

The Good: Hell, this section is so easy even Dee Brown couldn't fuck it up. Gilbert Arenas has been as spectacular as advertised, averaging 27 points and 6 assists a game while shooting 40% from three point land. Gilbert has six 30 point games on the year and one 40 point game (he's fourth in the league in scoring). He's a no doubt All Star and one of the Top 10 players in the league. Not to be outdone, Antawn Jamison has delivered huge all year, especially on the glass. He's avergaing a double double on the year, 21 points and 11 rebounds a game, and has already notched 9 double doubles in the season's first 15 games (he's sixth in the league in rebounding). It sure would be nice if someone else would hit the boards occassionally (Jared Jeffries and Etan Thomas, I'm looking right at you).

Caron Butler has been solid off the bench, giving the Wiz that third option they so desperately need with the band of offensive misfits Eddie Jordan runs out at center and (occassionally) power forward. Other than Ben Gordon, Butler's the best Sixth Man in the league - 15 ppg, 5 rpg and 46% shooting. Plus he's good at siring children.

The Bad: In case you weren't paying attention above, the Wiz have no trouble scoring points (they're 8th in the league). It's just a shame they also don't use their athleticism and talent on the defensive end of the floor (as well as on the glass). They're 22nd in the NBA in points allowed and are DEAD LAST in opponents' rebounds allowed, consistently getting pummeled on the boards (and just watch all the boards they allow guards to grab). Pitiful.

Ah, nice segue to my "breakout" player, Brendan Haywood, who has been serviceable AT BEST. Brendan, 9 points, 7 rebounds and 2 blocks a game just ain't gonna cut it. You're 7 feet tall for christ sakes. And you still haven't kicked the habit of bringing the ball down after rebounds, which seriously might lead to your murder by our boy Dennis.

The Ugly: Michael Ruffin. OK, sorry to the Ruffin family, it's just too easy. Let's instead take a look at the nightmare that was last night's game against the Milwaukee Bucks and NBA Superstar Mo Williams (sarcasm kids...sarcasm). He had 35 points on 15-21 shooting last night and was absolutely unconscious in the 4th quarter, even hitting the game winning three at the buzzer with the corpse of Chucky Atkins in his face. It's not just that a bum from Alabama lit up the Wiz, that can happen in the NBA on any given night (didn't Dana Barros once score 50 in a game?). It's the fact that Eddie Jordan's guys have an uncanny knack for making the Mo Williams' of the league look like stars night in and night out. 26 points, 14 boards and 5 blocks for Gerald Wallace in a loss to the Bobcats. Richie Frahm and Troy Hudson had 16 each in a loss to the Timberwolves. DeShawn Stevenson has looked better in two games against the Wiz this year than he has in his entire career. Don't be surprised if Raptors Jose Calderon and Matt Bonner combine for 50 Tuesday night.

Calvin Booth's attention span. He is the clear leader in the clubhouse for "NBA Player who enjoys halftime and timeout performances WAAAY more than his coach in huddles". It's tough making the nameplate for this award, but Calvin certainly deserves it. Ricky Davis will need to stab both members of Acrobazia during a timeout to win this award back.
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I was not in the office Friday, but in case you couldn't turn away from THE MOST DRAMATIC ER EVER Thursday night, this is what you missed on the boob tube:

In the Mid-American Conference championship game at Detroit's Ford Field, Akron beat Northern Illinois 31-30 on a 36 yard TD pass with just 10 second left. This after an Akron interception with under 2 minutes left made the game seem all but over. Akron's D stopped Northern Illinois three straight times, the Zips were able to stop the clock with their remaining timeouts, and they got the ball back on their own 19 yard line with 1:41 left in the game. The most amazing part of the game winning drive was the player who caught the pass, Domenik Hixon, was sprawled out on the sidelines the entire drive with cramps even Extra Strength Midol couldn't fix (yes, it was a fantastic individual performance Kirk Herbstreit, but a Kirk Gibson comparison? really?). Great ending to a surprisingly exciting game, and it was happening at exactly the same time (roughly 10:57pm) as...

The Nevada/Kansas game went down to the wire at Allen Fieldhouse, with the Wolfpack (minus Kevin Nash and Scott Hall) defeating the Jayhawks 72-70 behind the play of 2006 NBA first round pick Nick Fazekas (he had 35 of Nevada's 72 points). It was yet another great early season college hoops game this year, but the kicker was that as the game ended, I was pretty sure I caught a Jayhawks assistant coach tell Fazekas to "Fuck Off". I mean, it wasn't very hard to read this guy's lips. Well, they never showed a replay on ESPN, so I just figured I was crazy, until I checked Deadspin this morning. Yep, Jayhawks assistant coach Jim Dooley most definitely told Fazekas to fuck off, and they've got the video (as well as the apology from Kansas' athletic department). Great stuff.

A final note on Akron. Is that seriously their mascot? A kangaroo? Can the makers of Kangaroo Jack sue? (actually, can the viewers of Kangaroo Jack sue the makers?) That's the flick with Jerry O'Connell right? I can't think of an actor with a more convoluted career. To wit, I give you the Stages of "Being Jerry O'Connell":
Stage 1 - Collect Underpants
Stage 2 -
Stage 3 - Profit
Whoops, sorry, my bad, wrong list...let's try this again...

Stage 1 - Play dumpy fat kid in hugely successful coming of age film Stand by Me
Stage 2 - Star in show Sliders that SciFiCon attendees love along with John Rhys-Davies of Indiana Jones fame (he's the "Bad dates" guy). Personal note: I was actually a huge fan of this show, and it took me months to realize the fat kid from Stand by Me was the same as the guy in this show.
Stage 3 - Reappear ten years after Stand by Me as stud QB Frank "Cush" Cushman in hugely successful film Jerry Maguire
Stage 4 - Get cast in CSI/Law and Order rip off on NBC, Crossing Jordan (basically it's Quincy ME with a former Law and Order chick and Jerry)
Stage 5 - Desperate for a paycheck, star in aforemetioned stinker Kangaroo Jack (seriously, who is this guy's agent?)
Stage 6 - Holy Shit, how did this happen...Jerry O'Connell is banging Rebecca Romijn (the FFMD just informed me the two are in fact engaged...who knew). I would most definitely call this the "Profit" stage of this list.

With the recent news Fox plans to cancel "Reunion", of course it makes sense Thursday night's episode might've been the best of the season. A little humor, a little more unraveling of the murder backstory, some competent acting, and of course, Craig Brewster pulling a Keyser Soze at the episode's conclusion. SG's right - why can't they just give us the last 9 episodes on FX? I don't think "The Shield" or "Rescue Me" will mind.

Man do I wish I was a left-hander closer today...

Well, I certainly got the Heisman wrong a couple weeks ago (thank goodness my opinion means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things...hell, in that regard, I should be a voter in the Harris Poll). My earlier choice, Vincent Young, managed to look less than stellar against A&M on national TV (and was I in a food coma or did Dennis Franchione bust out the wishbone?) - combine that with Reggie Bush's 500 yard game against Fresno State, and you have Matt Leinart or Bush as your Hesiman winner. Whoever has the bigger field day against the porous UCLA defense will be walking away with the hardware December 10 (which means at least 1 of the 50 donkeys dressed up as Santa at Cafe Saint-Ex will need to keep an eye on the tube).

All this talk of Reggie and Matt logically leads me to next year's draft...and let me just say I couldn't be prouder of my Jets for forging ahead with their plan to completely tank the season by dropping a very winnable game in the fourth quarter against Joe Horn and the New Orleans Crusaders. I mean, of course New Orleans would win - they're led by Joe Theismann's "Coach of the Year" Jim Haslett. A look at the teams lined up at the Union Station liquor store hoping to win the "Pick a USC Player #1" Powerball drawing:

**Houston, 1-10: The Texans monumental choke job against the Rams still has them as the leader in the clubhouse for Leinart or Bush. The saving grace for the Jets - Houston plays 4 of their final 5 games against teams on this pitiful list, meaning 2 wins (hell, reach for the stars Dom Capers...3 wins) is not out of the question.
**San Francisco, 2-9: They've hitched their wagon to Alex Smith (or so it seems), so even if they draft #1 the Jets would get Leinart at #2. Plus the 49ers have Arizona and Houston on their remaining schedule, so a win is a definite possibility (look how big that January 1st game is between Houston and San Fran).
**NY Jets, 2-9: No matter how may motivational speeches Herm Edwards gives his team, I can't see a way the Jets don't pick #1 or #2, and thank god for that. Leinart or Bush would become an instant media sensation in NY, and you're telling me the Post and Daily News wouldn't love Manning/Leinart features for the next 10 years? The Jets might win one more game, against either Oakland or Buffalo, but I wouldn't count on it. 2-14 here we come.
**Green Bay, 2-9: Brett Favre. Yikes. I haven't seen a worse farewell tour since Spinal Tap's "farewell comeback tour" in '84 (or was it the "comeback farewell tour"?). They took Aaron Rodgers last year, so I'm pretty sure they're all about Bush (and if you think I'm not enjoying typing "bush" this many times, well, you're nuts). The Pack might get to 4-12 by beating the Ravens and Lions...or Favre completely throws this season away and Peter King hangs himself in a Colgate dorm in shame.
**New Orleans, 3-8: If Joe Horn had his way, the Saints would draft #1, #2 and #3 because Paul Tagliabue didn't send him a Vermont Teddy Bear after Hurricane Katrina. Thank god they beat the Jets Sunday night, because they're going winles in their final five games.
**Arizona, 3-8: Denny Green, your team sucks. But you do get the 49ers and Texans in the season's final 5 games. Stop playing Warner and you might win those two.
**Baltimore, 3-8: This season couldn't be happening to a nicer guy. Baltimore's probably getting to five wins and hopefully canning Billick as fast as possible.
**Tennessee, 3-8: Norm Chow and Steve McNair, starring in Rush Hour 3. Until Sunday's offensive explosion, I figured the Titans were 3-13 bound. But they get Houston in 2 weeks, so hopefully win 4 keeps them behind the Jets.

Very briefly...Notre Dame is going to the Fiesta Bowl. The Fiesta Bowl wants Notre Dame and not Oregon. Ducks fans, your screaming and whining will not change their minds. Despite your mind-numbingly ugly unis, you are not the national draw Notre Dame is. I know you only have 1 loss. Sorry, it's a business decision. And yes, Auburn fans, I realize your 9-2 was probably tougher than Notre Dame's 9-2, but again, Fiesta Bowl reps don't care. They want the ratings and the buzz. Get ready for Wisconsin and the Capital One Bowl (and all those fucking commercials with the displaced pillagers).

Hey, guess what, the New York Rangers are one of the best teams in hockey through the first third of the season. The only guy who might actually care about this is sequestered in NYC for the next few weeks, pondering how he can get 2 more TVs in his furnished suite so he can watch the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, Nets-Raptors and Prison Break all at once. But the reason the Rangers are on my radar screen (besides the fact that this early season success is their best start in a decade), is that they played in an NHL-record 15 round shootout last week against the Crapitals (and won). They're winning with a productive offense (8th in goals scored) and fantastic defense/special teams (4th in goals against at 2.46/game and 2nd in penalty kill percentage). Perhaps some more NHL nuggets in coming weeks - my burning desire to beat Carter in Yahoo Fantasy Hockey has me tuned into the NHL much more than I should be. Well, that and my insatiable thirst to hear Barrry Melrose pronounce any word with the letter "o" in it.

What a gem I stumbled upon last evening...best two hours of television I've seen in awhile: The Kenny Rogers/Lionel Richie episode of "Crossroads" on CMT (winner of a very close race with PTV's "The Side Boob Hour" and "Midnight Q"). This show has apparently been on for quite awhile, from a look at this roster...how the hell did I miss the Hank Williams Jr./Kid Rock episode? Can I make requests? How much would it cost to get Neil and Barry together on CMT?

How far has Charlie Hustle fallen? I mean, Jayson Stark didn't even write an article about this. Yesterday, Pete Rose's eligibilty for the writers portion of the Baseball Hall of Fame ballot expired. The only way Rose could get in the Hall now would be a vote by the Veterans Committee, and there ain't no way in hell that is happening. "Pete Rose: My Prison Without Bars" didn't exactly work out the way Pete had hoped. Or maybe this is continued backlash for the ESPN "Hustle" advertising assault (by the way, not that you care, but I absolutely believe Rose should be in the Hall of Fame, based on his on the field performance). Three very interesting candidates for the Hall of Fame Class of 2006 - Orel Hershiser, Dwight Gooden and, for the first time, Albert "Don't Call Him Joey" Belle.

Has the Ford family ever stopped to think that Matt Millen might be the problem?

Let the Holiday Season begin...

GTB hopes everyone had a relaxing Thanksgiving Break, full of much food and sports...I sure know I did. With the introduction of ESPN's college hoops Feast Week last week I now have the NFL, NBA, NHL (you know, hockey...you remember hockey right?) and College Basketball on my sports plate. Good times all around. Plus there's only 27 shopping days left until Christmas...get in line now for your XBox 360...

You know how I really know it's the Holiday Season? (besides the fact there were approximately 1 million donkeys, myself included, staring at an undecorated tree in Rockefeller Center Saturday) I heard that god awful "Christmas Eve in Washington" song yesterday for the first time, which actually is quite shocking because our local "All Christmas Tunes All The Time Station", WASH FM 97.1, had the audacity to start playing holiday tunes a WEEK before Thanksgiving. You've gotta be kidding me...while driving roughly 975 miles this weekend we must've passed by 20 stations on the East Coast devoted to all holiday tunes all the time. But only here do we get that fucking terrible "Christmas Eve in Washington" song. It makes me long for the song about the poor kid who can't buy his dying mom some shoes or some shit, I don't know, real touching crap. Or even "Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey". Now that's a holiday tune...

WaterBall...(sorry about that, force of habit...moving on...)

Ah yes, the aforementioned ESPN Feast Week. I love me some college hoops, and Feast Week did not disappoint (quick aside - did John Gulager's Project Greenlight film "Feast" ever get released? After watching quite a few of those episodes, I thought that movie had some promise. At least more than that piece of shit "Stolen Summer" film). The guy getting the most pub coming out of Feast Week is Gonzaga's Adam Morrison (dropping 43 in a triple OT victory will do that for you), but I wanted to mention two other guys I saw shine last week (and maybe mention them before Dickie V gets all their junk in his mouth):

• Maurice Ager, Michigan State - Ager, along with 12-year college vet Paul Davis, can make this a special season in East Lansing (hey, looks like Mooch will soon be there as well...) Ager carried the Spartans in Maui (and had an epic battle with Morrison), and looks like he might finally be able to consistently nail a jumper.
• LaMarcus Aldridge, Texas - Aldridge looked like Kenyon Martin or Marcus Camby during the Guardians Classic. He was a beast at both ends of the floor, and Texas looks like a serious contender for a national title as long as he stays healthy (and P.J. Tucker opens a book).

And in case you missed some of Feast Week, the ACC/Big Ten Challenge is this week. It's time to shift a little of that NFL concentration to the hardwood...root for Duke to lose (let's see if Dennis is paying attention).

It's been a tough month for DC sports teams. I don't think I need to mention the Redskins woes of late, I'm sure the Wheelhouse will tackle that this week. I guess the only saving grace for Skins fans is that they don't have to play another AFC team this year (Danny's boys are 0-4 against the AFC this year). At 5-6, they're not dead yet, especially with St. Louis and Arizona up the next two weeks, but it's an uphill climb. And what about my dearest Wizards? Uh, where do I start...well, not here, because I have a tad more real work to do, but tomorrow we can address the terribly inconsistent Wiz (6-7 on the year) and see what the hell is going wrong on Fun Street (thank god their division is absolutely atrocious). Oh yeah, DC has a hockey team, the Capitals. They play at the MCI Center. I don't think they're very good.

GTB Money Saving Tip of the Day: For the love of god, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT spend your money on the John Cusack/Billy Bob film "The Ice Harvest." It fails as a black comedy, it fails as a caper movie, it just plain fails. Trust me...and I am a big Cusack fan. I'm not even sure the people who made the movie read the book it's based on...just complete junk. The only highlight of this trip to the movies was the preview for the upcoming Johnny Knoxville vehicle, in which he plays a normal dude pretending to be handicapped so he can win the Special Olympics, with Rip Torn as his coach. I smell Oscar...

Sideline question of the year, courtesy of ABC sideline reporter Suzy Shuster, after Nebraska coach Bill Callahan had a Gatorade bucket dumped on his head (amazingly, Nebraska destroyed Colorado after looking like dung all season):
"Was that one of the more gratifying dumps you've had?"

And finally...WaterBall (sorry, couldn't help myself)

Happy Thanksgiving...

...to the best damn readers Gheorghe's money can buy...

Up Late with McBain

I can only go so long without throwing up some interweb beauts (damn it, no OJ news)...well, at least I found them to be beauts, you might find them a momentary diversion from a mundane morning...anyway, the Wiz play at Minnesota tonight so I either need to stop fucking around doing "links" posts and do the Wiz Watch this morning, or be supremely lazy and do nothing at all and see how early BLS MVP Laster can hit the local watering holes...let's see what the Magic 8 Ball says...

** I haven't talked about them much, because really, what is there to write about a 2-7 football team that is getting worse. HOWEVAH, there is much speculation that if the Great Cryer (Dick Vermeil, not Jon "Duckie" Cryer) leaves Kansas City after this season, current Jets coach Herm Edwards would be the likely replacement. The same guy who gave us "You Play To Win The Game" and "How The Jets Win" yesterday went from having one foot out the door to reiterating his commitment to be the Jets coach next year. I'm not gonna shed a tear if Herm leaves (though I'm sure Jason Whitlock will have something to say) - all I need to know is whether to buy the Leinart jersey or the Bush jersey. This Jets season is uglier than the Defenestration of Prague. [NY Daily News]

** OK, so I guess the Mets aren't using Mike Cameron in a package for Manny Ramirez...I am a bit curious to see how the Mets plan to use Xavier Nady. He's always been regarded as a prospect with tremendous UPPPSIDE...but he has struggled at times and been shifted around between 1st Base and the Outfield. If the Mets really want to grab Carlos Delgado from the Marlins, Nady's gotta be going to the OF. Where does that leave Victor Diaz? (Whit or Jerry, this is where your expertise comes in handy) Oh, and to Mike Cameron...congrats...enjoy the spacious outfield at Petco, the fantastic weather in San Diego, the fish tacos, and Shamu. Say hi to Joyner for me. [Newsday]

** Vaya con Dios...Olin Kreutz, Fred Miller, Johnny Utah, and Bodhi (perhaps sprinkle in some crazy ass Angelo Pappas). Is that how this went down? That's how I'm picturing it. "You crossed the line. People trusted you and they died. You gotta' go down." Who says beers, BBQ, an FBI shooting range and meathead linemen don't mix? [Chicago Sun Times]

Shifting gears for a moment, yesterday was a big day down at the Cracker Factory...it was Girl Scout Cookie Day. That's right, for the seventh year in a row that I've brought home a paycheck and taken it "Oz"-style from Da Man in the form of FICA taxes, this guy has two boxes of delicious Trefoils sitting on his desk (actually, one sleeve is in the bottom desk drawer, one sleeve is on top of my computer, and one sleeve is hidden for emergency reasons...that fourth sleeve, well, the poor fella never had a chance). Trefoils are, of course, the greatest of all Girl Scout Cookies...

** This reality show has every chance to shatter the bar for "dumbest collection of people on Earth." [London Evening Standard]

** This is a scary link on several levels. First, in honor of Rivalry Week, Fox delivers the geriatric Battle of the Ages, Dick Clark vs. Regis Philbin. Look closer, for there is a darker horror...Clark's replacement...I think "no talent hack" describes him best. [Variety]

** Two gems courtesy of Page 6...Anna Nicole's in training for the upcoming WNBA season...and seriously, would it have killed Paris to name the monkey "Mr. Teeny"? [Courtesy of, meaning copied and pasted from, Page 6]

-- Anna Nicole Smith showed up at Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood to play bingo for charity last week and took home quite a prize - a barmaid. Tracy, a pretty blonde, allowed herself to be picked up by the former Playmate and was later bragging about the night she spent with Smith, sharing pictures from her digital camera with patrons at the bar. "She wasn't keeping it a secret," a PAGE SIX source relates. "Anna Nicole put her in handcuffs and her neck was covered with hickeys." The source added, "Anna Nicole was doing that butt-slapping thing...it was just bizarre. And her son was in the house." Calls to Tracy and Smith were not returned.

-- Paris Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv, went bananas when she took the peeved primate on a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend.

** In case you didn't notice (and it's OK if you didn't...it took Cornell almost beating Syracuse for me to notice), the college basketball season has begun. I am a huge college hoops fan, and I particularly enjoy some of the early season tournaments, as you can occasionally get a beat on who might have a breakout season before Thanksgiving even hits. Four ranked teams play tonight on ESPN and The Ocho:

Florida vs. #18 Wake Forest
#16 Syracuse vs. Texas Tech
#12 Memphis vs. #14 Alabama
Temple vs. #18 UCLA

Keep an eye on slick James Calipari at Memphis and the Ben Howland-led squad at UCLA. These teams might be very good and no one realizes it yet. Since I need to craft more prose each week, I'm hoping to supplement the Wiz Watch with some sort of GTB College Hoops Report, you know, some nonsensical poll or list or some other crap you may or may not read. Moving on...on the hardwood last night Dennis' favorite squadron beat Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle 92-40 in a CYO game. [ESPN]

** That reminds me...ESPN.com has thrown up the The Great College Hoops Tournament in honor of the season beginning, and it truly is a great parlor game. UCLA's all-time roster vs. Louisville's all-time roster? Kentucky vs. Syracuse? I plan to waste a good part of my afternoon messing around with this. The only real problem I see is that Scoop Jackson seems to be involved. I'd rather watch Skip Bayless debate Joey Lawrence (all complaints regarding complete loss of work productivity should be sent to Chocolate City reader Michael E.) [Page 2]

** What I'm reading when not typing these magnificent posts - FireJoeMorgan.com. I was pimping these guys a few weeks ago, and they tickled my fancy again yesterday with their absolute hatchet job of "Around the Horn" and LA Times uber donkey Bill Plaschke. Any guy who makes Woody Paige look good needs to be pummeled. [Fire Joe Morgan]

And finally, a salute to a guy who is fast becoming a Gheroghe favorite, Mr. Clinton Portis...
- First, he was Southeast Jerome (Afro wig, fake gold teeth, mask and cape)
- Then apparently Jerome died a tragic death, and it was Dr. Don't Know (pink wig, pink Mardi Gras glasses, huge fake black mustache)
- And now, we've got Sheriff Gonna Get Ya (black wig, bug-eyed shades and sheriff's badge...just look at that photo) - the Sheriff is apparently tracking the Southeast Jerome case. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

It's a Saturday night special...

...Got a barrel that's blue and cold
Ain't no good for nothin'
But put a man six feet in a hole

Just three weeks ago, in this space and countless (real) media outlets around the nation, Auburn kicker John Vaughn was dead and buried after missing 5 field goals in an OT loss to LSU. Well, Mr. Vaughn, I salute you for stepping up and making the huge kick against Georgia Saturday night. Yeah, it was a chip shot, but if you saw Tommy Tuberville's post-game interview, I don't think anyone on the Auburn sideline was taking that kick for granted, not the way things have gone for Johnny V all season. Here's hoping the kicker was “rewarded” for his effort late night...
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It's coming down to the wire for the Heisman, and here are one guy’s humble choices to head to NYC…
Vince Young (has all the momentum in the world while playing Pop Warner teams):
155-of-244 passing, 2,414 yards, 22 touchdowns, 8 interceptions
117 rushes, 774 yards, 8 touchdowns

Matt Leinart (Herm Edwards is gonna love this kid):
211-of-318 passing, 3,017 yards, 23 touchdowns, 7 interceptions
35 rushes, 34 yards, 5 touchdowns

Reggie Bush (needs a dynamic SportsCenter highlight play to regain early season pub):
140 rushes, 1,104 yards, 11 touchdowns
28 receptions, 315 yards, 2 touchdowns
16 punt returns, 162 yards, 1 touchdown

Brady Quinn (perhaps a homer pick, but he at least needs to be in the conversation…that Michigan State loss becomes worse by the week):
217-of-330 passing, 2,931 yards, 27 touchdowns, 5 interceptions
51 rushes, 99 yards, 1 touchdown

[Believe it or not, there’s a QB in the land with better passing numbers than all of these guys – Drew Olson of UCLA (218-of-322 passing, 2,909 yards, 30 touchdowns, 3 interceptions). Unfortunately, UCLA’s drubbing at the hands of Arizona might’ve caused many writers to ignore the Bruins this week, missing Olson’s 510 yard, 5 TD performance. It’s OK Drew, everyone has forgotten about my favorite guy Maurice Drew as well. Now, if you go out and beat USC in an Arena Football shoot-out the writers might just need to rethink those votes.]

After looking at the numbers, it’s hard NOT to pick Leinart. He’s the superstar QB of a team that’s won 32 straight games, he has phenomenal numbers AND he was last year’s Heisman winner. HOWEVAH, Bush and Leinart are going to split some votes (and heck, LenDale White might steal a few votes too), and Vince Young will benefit big from this. Right now, November 14, 2005, I’m handing the Heisman Trophy to Vince Young.
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How happy is Steve Spurrier today? After what can only be described as an unmitigated coaching disaster in Washington, Spurrier returned to college football and the SEC, taking over the reins from Lou Holtz at South Carolina. Spurrier could've been outcoached by Radio while leading the Skins...in the last two weeks he's beaten his nemesis Phatty Phil Fulmer and new Florida hotshot Urban Meyer. You think the 'ol ball coach isn't loving every minute of this? South Carolina's won 5 SEC games in a row (ranked #19 in the AP poll today) and still has an outside shot of making the SEC title game (of course their fate is in the hands of Kentucky, but whatever, there’s a slight chance).
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OK, I'll say it - the Minnesota Golden Gophers are the Denver Broncos of college football. Just like Mike Shanahan in Denver, the coaches in Minnesota seem to be able to plug any back into the system and produce a 100 yard performance. Shanahan’s given us Terrell Davis, Olandis Gary, Mike Anderson, Clinton Portis, Reuben Droughns, Quentin Griffin and Tatum Bell in recent years. Glen Mason and Minnesota, in just the last 2 years, have produced Marion Barber III (stealing Julius Jones’ job in Dallas), Laurence Maroney, Gary Russell and, yesterday, some kid named Amir Pinnix (32 rushes for 206 yards). If I knew who their OL coach was I’d throw him a bone, but I’m too lazy to look it up.
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There has been a ton of talk this year about how dreadful the NFC North is. Well, let me submit that the AFC East, despite housing the defending Super Bowl champs, is an equally dreadful division. New England is the only team above .500, and they barely beat Miami yesterday. The Patriots are 5-4 despite being outscored by 33 points this year. The starting QBs in the AFC East (minus the handsome Tom Brady) – Gus Frerotte, J.P. Losman (I’m assuming he stole his job back yesterday) and Brooks Bollinger. Yikes. The Jets are 2-7, and really, I don’t see any way they finish better than 3-13 (if they’re lucky). There is no way the Pats don’t win this thing, but don’t be surprised if they limp in at 8-8 or 9-7.
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Biggest mismatch to hit the court this year? Anyone vs. the Raptors? Nope. Larry Brown vs. Stephon Marbury? Nope. It’s the team of Greg Anthony/Dopey/Happy/Grumpy/Doc vs. Dee Brown/Bashful/Sleepy/Sneezy/Doctor J. Is Rob Babcock making Anthony’s personnel decisions? Passing up Julius Erving for a dwarf with an untradeable max contract in Doc? Unforgivable. And Anthony already has the Lamar Odom of dwarves. What a HORRIBLE mismatch. Dr. J is going to crush these guys.
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Now, not having the DirectTV package, I am often subjected to some miserable football games on Sunday, most often involving the Brian Billick-led Baltimore Ravens. Well, I did get the rotten Ravens yesterday, but I was luckily able to ignore them as Fox showed the Giants/Vikings game (and that Skins/Bucs game was one of the better regular season games in recent memory). Not a lot to be said, as the mocking of the Giants effort and “special” teams has already been done by this blogosphere’s Giants fan. But can we talk about this list that Antonio Pierce keeps, of the 31 linebackers taken ahead of him in the 2001 draft (he was an undrafted free agent)? He apparently gets great joy out of crossing their names off the list each time one of these guys leaves the league...anyone else getting that “Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison” vibe from Antonio?
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The MLS Cup is poop.
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More on the Wiz later in the week...for now, I'll just say Gilbert Arenas is an absolute animal...I saw him single-handedly destroy the Spurs Saturday night…