GTB’s Twelve Days of Christmas

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Worldwide Leader sent to me (another excuse for a list)…

Twelve drummers drumming,
Not to overdo the Hot Stove thing, but I couldn't let this go - all the reports out of NY now say Nomar will be playing 1B for the Yankees next year. Extremely interesting, given this guy has never played a game of 1B in his life. I realize Nomar is trying to be as flexible as possible and show he has value to teams at several positions, but I don't know if I'm on board with this. The Great Juicini did have a .440 OBP and .975 OPS last year, though watching him play the field is as painful as watching the UPN Monday lineup. Perhaps Nomar can rise above that…

Eleven pipers piping,
Billy Beane, I hope you know what the hell you're doing, because Crazy Uncle Milty is indeed insane, and there is no doubt in my mind he causes a stir before the year is done. Hell, he might punch Esteban Loaiza in the face during Spring Training for fun. I know I would. I hope Mr. Beane realizes Loaiza’s 3.98 ERA occurred in Washington, the easiest pitcher’s park in the league...

Ten lords a-leaping,
Speaking of pansy-ass pitchers, news yesterday that whiny bitch Javy Vazquez got his wish and gets traded, to the World Series Champs no less. Fragile mentally and physically, I think very little of Javy, obviously. Vazquez is a giant vagina with a live arm (crazy visual I know). El Duque, though 79 years old, is still a better bet in Chicago. Between Vazquez (6+ IP, 7 ER, 7 BB) and Kevin Brown (3+ IP, 9 ER, 4 BB) in the 2004 ALCS, it was a race to see who could wet themselves first. GM Kenny Williams seems to be a smart guy, and has upgraded a champ already, but he will be disappointed in Vazquez...

Nine ladies dancing,
We here at GTB only need two ladies, and not necessarily dancing either (getting to know each other in a bathroom stall works just as well). We give you the holiday tale that made us forget the Vikings Sex Boat antics (and remember our love for ladies loving each other), Angela and Renee, the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders. Gob bless you ladies, and may you someday soon reappear in a run down Winnebago in the parking lot of Raymond James Stadium...

Eight maids a-milking,
College hoops is in full swing, and based on their performance the other night, Wake Forest better learn to make some free throws and fast. A guy who you’ve never heard of but is a star: Depaul’s Sammy Mejia. The 6’6” junior from the Bronx had 24 points and 9 boards against the Demon Deacons, and will be a force in the new uber Big East. A mid major you won’t hear mentioned until March but who will win a tournament game: Iona, out of the MAAC.

Seven swans a-swimming,
What assfaces Pat Riley AND Stan Van Gundy are for putting us through that sham of a press conference the other day. Riles especially, that pompous ass should've just taken back the job in the summer. The odd thing though is the normally hyperactive sports media didn't swarm on this story like I thought they would. I think I've heard more about Howard Stern's move to satellite radio in the last week than the Riles/Heat story (Jackie “The Jokeman” Martling made his return this morning…). And if you don't think Shaq had anything to do with this coaching change, well, I've got some AnalBibs to sell you...

Six geese a-laying,
The Buffalo Bills are in complete shambles. Willis McGahee, who can’t seem to shut his yap, had 3 yards on 8 carries last week (and he has the best damn agent in the world too, Drew Rosenhaus). Eric Moulds is publicly dissing the coach because he isn’t getting the ball enough. The only way this situation could be worse is if Norv Turner was piloting this ship (in case you haven’t heard, Norv will be free this winter to pursue other opportunities)...

Five golden rings,
OK, no one pays attention to track and field, I know this, but this Tim Montgomery story is a pretty big deal. Sure, this wasn’t a “regular” trial in the traditional sense, it was a proceeding by the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS), but Montgomery was convicted of doping based soley on circumstantial evidence. They ruled there was "uncontroverted" evidence that Montgomery had used banned drugs and stripped him of all records and medals, based on witness testimony and grand jury testimony and six year old records from a Mexican drug testing facility (I'm sure a high quality facility). If that were all that were needed here, there would be a whole lotta MLB players shitting bricks. Even Jack McCoy would lose those cases...

Four calling birds,
Can’t AMC devote a day to these films and at least pretend to be in the holiday spirit, instead of showing The Delta Force, Above the Law and Harlem Nights? (and yes, listed below are the four worst Christmas films of all time)
The Santa Clause
Jingle All the Way
Eight Crazy Nights
Ernest Saves Christmas (I mean, seriously, "air brakes"…and yes, I did see this flick…in the theater no less)...

Three French hens,
Am I the only guy who thinks everybody is WAAAY ahead of themselves with this Colts going 16-0 thing? I think the Colts are losing 1 of their last 3 games even if they don’t rest their starters for a second. The Colts last three games before perfection:
8-5 San Diego
at 11-2 Seattle
4-9 Arizona.
The Chargers absolutely have to win that game to make the playoffs, no matter what their record no one respects Seattle so they’ll have something to prove, and Arizona…well, two teams have a shot at this. I smell 15-1...

Two turtle doves,
I, along with 22 other donkeys, still have a shot to win our Last Man Standing Pool. With that said, my best chance, BEST chance, this week lays in the reefer smoking, baby dropping hands of the Miami Dolphins, against my beloved Jets no less. My winnings are in the hands of the Joseph Hazelwood of NFL QBs...

And a partridge in a pear tree!
Tim Tebow, meet Urban Meyer. Mark did a terrific job looking at this the other day, so I won’t pretend to be a college recruiting guru and make stuff up (though I did watch some of ESPNs program about Tebow). All I know is that if this kid is the real deal the Renaissance is on in G’ville and there are many happy dudes with short haircuts, OCD and a propensity to fight.

- GTB, Making The Yuletide Gay Since 2003