Hot Stove Hot Action

It’s that time of year again…Billy Beane drunk dialing Omar Minaya at 2am to see if Kaz Matsui can be had…Royals GM Allard Baird crying himself to sleep every night…Indians fans everywhere thinking 2006 can be their year…there’s been a ton of activity since the MLB season ended, so why not take a look at what teams have been up to since the Chicago White Sox won the World Series and made Cub fans feel even worse about themselves (gotta do this now before we all get distracted by the National Football League playoffs):

Los Jankees
Nothing, absolutely fucking nothing. Well, that’s not completely fair, as the Yankees managed to dump Tony Womack on the Reds yesterday for some minor league pitchers and a lock of Schottzie’s hair. Tanyon Sturtze took a stab, stuck his hands out, and was given $1.5 million for being a non-abortive member of the bullpen. I can’t even discuss what a mess Kyle Farnsworth is going to be under the NY spotlight.

Texas Rangers
These guys have been trying to move a ton of big names since the season ended, and they finally succeeded, trading Alfonso Soriano to the Chocolate City Nats at the Winter Meetings. The Rangers picked up Brad Wilkerson (a personal favorite), Terrmel Sledge and a minor league pitcher in the deal. I guess that’s good for them, since they didn’t want to pay Soriano $10 million next year, but the guys they got back aren’t exactly superstars. Where’s the big league arm a talent like Soriano warrants? The Rangers need a pitcher or two who can keep their ERA below 5.00 for a season.

Toronto Blue Jays
The Canadian Dollars have been flowing like Molson at a Maple Leafs game this offseason. A.J. Burnett and B.J. Ryan grabbed a combined $102 million from J.P. Ricciardi (and Cola). The Jays then obtained Lyle Overbay from the Brew Crew for Gabe Gross and David Bush (both decent young talents). However, for a 1B, Overbay displays Swint-esque pop at the plate. All I know is the Blue Jays look significantly better on paper, and as mentioned above, I ain’t seen jack from the Yankees in the way of improvement.

Atlanta Braves
There’s really nothing to question here, because it seems like Braves GM John Schuerholz never makes a mistake. He dumped catcher Eric Estrada on the Diamondbacks, getting back a donkey in lefty reliever Lance Cormier and a fireballer in Oscar Villareal. I would say both these guys would thrive in Atlanta, but Leo Mazzone took his pitching expertise and Parkinsons to Baltimore, all because Sam Perlozzo once gave him a monogrammed flask.

Chicago Cubs
No Rafael Furcal, so crackbaby Juan Pierre will have to do. Solid addition to the top of that lineup, and apparently a class act. Which is going to be needed if the Cubs manage to swap Todd walker for Milton Bradley. Forget the Felix Pie jersey Swint, get the game worn and blood stained Bradley jersey, right after he kills a guy in Section 142 for mocking the trade.

Los Angeles Dodgers
What a big week…Rafael Furcal and new manager Grady Little land in LA. You might remember Little as the guy who left Pedro in Game 7 just a tad too long…or perhaps as Sheriff Andy Taylor. This team fell apart last year, and has so many holes to fill I don’t even know where to start. Luckily, Derek Lowe has stepped up and offered to fill one gaping hole we know of…

Boston Red Sox
All the talk is about where hitting savant Manny Ramirez will be traded, but he’s still a Red Sox and I don’t see where Boston is going to get proper value in return. Speaking of getting value in return, Edgar Renteria, thanks for stopping by, hope you enjoyed Faneuil Hall and the T. The Red Sox traded Renteria to the Braves for uberprospect Andy Marte, a guy Peter Gammons has manlove for, so he’s gotta be good, right? Still, didn’t Boston pull the cord just a bit soon on Renteria, especially given they have no immediate replacement at SS?

Cincinnati Reds
Hey, we suck, so does Pittsburgh, let’s make a trade so we can see our names in the paper. So do they trade one of their 8 OFs? (Adam Dunn, Austin Kearns, Wily Mo Pena, Eric Davis, Reggie Sanders, Deion Sanders, Ron Gant or Greg Vaughn) Nope, they trade the most popular player in town, “The Mayor” Sean Casey for pitcher Dave Williams. (Whit, I believe you can still be called “The Mayor” too, but there is a 12 month waiting period)

Pittsburgh Pirates
I feel bad for fans in Pittsburgh. Just a decade ago (ok, maybe more like 15 years ago) the Pirates were regular contenders, with wonderful humans like Bobby Bonilla and Barry Bonds leading the team into battle. Now, they’re just plain awful. So far, they’ve traded two lefty SPs and an invaluable utility guy…these players are hard to come by, yet the Pirates have no qualms shipping them off? OK, Pirates fans, more bad news…Big Ben has a bad thumb and the football team is also in trouble. At least you have the Penguins back.

Kansas City Poop
Welcome to Kansas City…hello? Anyone? GM Allard Baird has even more trouble getting people to take his money than the Orioles. Paul Byrd even said no. You know, the guy with the junk arm who looks like Frazier. Ah yes, but there is a match – trade with the Pirates: Mark Redman for some dude named Jonah and the proverbial player to be name later. Well done Allaird. No wonder Rob Neyer wants to light you on fire.

New York Mets
I don’t know who’s had a busier December, Omar and the Mets or Butt and the Holiday Party circuit? Where do I start with these guys? Omar Minaya is dropping cash like Freeland at a strip club. Carlos Delgado, Billy Wagner, come on down. Need a catcher, I heard the Marlins are having a blue light special – grab Paul Lo Duca. The most comical of all Mets moves had to be yesterday’s announcement that they signed Lazarus…er Julio Franco (to back up Delgado). Franco’s been around so long he backed up Richie Hebner in Philly in the 70s. Good for the Mets though – if you’ve got the cash, you might as well spend it. (uh, Brian Cashman, has someone stolen your wallet?)

Seattle Mariners
Remember when these guys were good? Nope, me neither. They’re bringing Jamie Moyer back, but somehow I don’t know if that will satisfy Ichiro, who finally took a liking to the fine American tradition of stars bitching to the media. Perhaps it was Ichrio’s whining that led to the FA signing of his countryman, C Kenji Johjima (who by the way, doesn’t speak English…does he plan on bringing flash cards to the mound?)

Houston Astros
Will Roger Clemens stay or will he go? Who cares. Let Richard Justice worry about that stuff and bore the PTI guys with the drama. The bigger concern for the Astros – their only real move in the offseason has been the re-signing of Orlando Palmeiro. Not exactly a boost to ticket sales or pennant hopes.

Chicago White Sox
They won the World Series, traded for slugger Jim Thome, re-signed slugger Paul Konerko, traded lefty reliever Damaso Marte (who Ozzie Guillen hated) to the Pirates for Rob Mackowiak and cut ties to Frank Thomas and amateur paleontologist crazy car Everett. Depending on how Ozzie handles this whole “I won a WS after just one year managing” thing, the White Sox are in great position for 2006. Then again, Ken Williams could just as easily come into the clubhouse one day next season and see Guillen Greco-Roman wrestling Pablo Ozuna for a Chipotle Grilled Stuft Burrito while Bobby Jenks fills out the lineup card in crayon.

Baltimore Orioles
Ramon Hernandez, 4 years, $27.5 million? Wow. No wonder Miguel "B-12" Tejada wants out. Can anyone say “Tejada for Manny”? There seems to be a SS vacancy in Boston.

Detroit Tigers
Hmm, Todd Jones and Kenny Rogers? The Tigers signed Jones to a 2 year deal worth $11 million and Rogers to a 2 year deal worth $16 million (I have a funny feeling Mitch Albom is going to have a field day with Kenny and his surly-ness). Oh yeah, Pudge is supposedly gay.

San Diego Padres
They should change their name from Padres to Hometown Discount. A little long and cumbersome, but accurate. And really, why would anyone want to leave San Diego? Trevor Hoffman and Brian Giles certainly didn’t want to leave. Hoffman turned down 3 years, $21 million from the Indians and Giles took the discount rather than shift to an east coast power. I’m sure the NY press is bummed they won’t get to report on Giles’ supposed naked BP.

Arizona Diamondbacks
These guys suck. But they've got a new catcher...

Florida Marlins
I would say the second biggest story this offseason (to the Mets spending spree) is yet another fire sale by the Marlins franchise. This team has only been around 13 years, yet they’ve managed to now hold two fire sales and win two World Series (the second title aided by many of the players in the first fire sale). Ok, enough use of the term “fire sale”. Sorry, thought I was Jayson Stark for a second. According to experts, of which I am certainly not one, the Marlins have done very well in their latest series of trades, considering they dumped their entire starting lineup. But there is no way Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera are happy campers right now.

Minnesota Twins
Luis Castillo for two young pitchers doesn't sound like a very good move. You’ve come to expect more of the Twins higher-ups (well, minus not seeing the skills of David Ortiz). I’ll just say it – they got fleeced. Castillo is 30 years old, his speed has deserted him and he’s progressively getting worse. The kid Travis Bowyer they traded away has my favorite attribute in a young pitcher, a “live arm”. And he might even be the Marlins closer next year.

Los Angeles Angels of Guadalajara
Artie Moreno is less popular than Carlos Menica right now. He wants Manny, but it’s unlikely that will happen. Grab Mike Piazza, pay him tons to DH, and pray he doesn’t end up like Tim Salmon…

Philadelphia Phillies
That Ryan Howard guy is good eh? Enjoy 38 year old closer Tom Gordon. Start saving up the D batteries Phillies fans. Ed Wade might need protective custody by May of next season.

St. Louis Cardinals
The Cards are almost as suspiciously quiet as the Yankees. Perhaps Tony LaRussa is busy wrapping up his next project, the Brian Billick co-authored book, “Yes, We Really Are That Much Smarter Than You.”

San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds Barry Bonds (I’m just getting primed for Spring Training)

Oakland Athletics
Billy Beane is a genius...blah blah blah…that’s all I got, I’m starting to drag…

Washington Nationals
The home town Nats are led by a lame duck GM who just traded for the Latino Rob Deer (that's right, I'm recycling my own jokes). Jim Bowden is most likely going to get canned the minute the Nats have a new owner (if that ever occurs), so why not try the bold move. Big red flag here – Bowden expects Soriano to happily shift to the OF, because all star Jose Vidro is staying at 2B. Um, Soriano has rebuked all attempts in the past to shift to the OF. Enjoy that pissing contest Frank Robinson.

Cleveland Indians
Bob Wickman still there? Yep, one-year deal worth $5 million. I can sleep easy.

Milwaukee Brewers
Dennis and I were very psyched to see Overbay shipped to Toronto, opening the 1B slot for our stud fantasy 1B Prince Fielder. That kid is a beast. And welcome back Danny Knob. Atlanta GM John Schuerholz hated Knobber so much he traded him back to the Brewers for Wes Obermueller and a George Plimpton hotplate.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Dewon Brazelton got shipped out, and it only took him going AWOL for 3 weeks of the 2005 season. I think this is the season the Rays finally finish out of the cellar (reach for the stars Carl Crawford)...meaning I think the Orioles finish in dead last, battered and bruised and begging for more Old Bay on their fries.

Colorado Rockies
When one of your offseason priorities is re-signing Byung-Hyun Kim, you've already given up. And so have I…