Thursday, March 22, 2018

Russell Crowe is really Dave Dogfoot?

I have determined that we have an impostor in our midst. The man we know to be Dave Dogfoot is really a famous actor with a different name of animal origin--he's Russell Crowe. This shouldn't come as a suprise given that he name-checked Crowe in song at least once before.

Here's a picture of Helen Hunt and Russell Crowe circa 1992, before Crowe hit it big. They were doing a summer stock revival of Grease in the metro Camden area. This photo was taken back stage. If you look closely through the eyeliner, you can see a striking resemblance to Dave.


Here's a much more recent photo of Dave juggling a ball at one of his myriad youth soccer events.


If you look closely through Dave's flab, you can see that he's the spitting image of Russell Crowe. This explains why he's playing soccer with a football--Australians take the whole "soccer is really football" conceit way too seriously. And who takes things a serious step too far more than Dave?

Not convinced? Fine. I have more facts, alternate facts if you will. Russell Crowe and his wife Danielle Spencer are divorcing. To make the division of assets easier, Crowe is auctioning off a bunch of stuff he "collected" over the years and will split the proceeds with his former wife. The auction is called "Russell Crowe: The Art of Divorce" and it's preposterous in so many ways that Dave has to be involved. In fact the whole thing is so insane that only Dave could gin up this fever dream of collectibles. Here's the cover photo for the catalog:


Sweet toupee Dave! Things get increasingly Dave as you dig through the catalog. For example, he's auctioning off a mosasaur skull that he received as a gift from Leonardo DiCaprio. Dave/Crowe notes that "The fossil relative of the monitor lizard family, which includes the Komodo Drago, the Mosasaur was a giant, serpentine marine reptile, which was prevalent during the Late Cretaceous Period, approximately 65 million years ago. Mosasaurs were formidable hunters, with a double-hinged jaw and a flexible skull enabling them to eat their prey whole. The Niobrara Formation is a geologic formation located in North America that was deposited between 87 and 82 million years ago." Dave totally wrote that--it's taxonomically perfect (mosasaurs were marine reptiles, not dinosaurs) and right on the line between interestingly informative and smarmily pedantic.


And who other than Dave would keep a dead lizard head in his home?

Another Dave-only gem is this antique leather athletic supporter. Who else would wear a used leather jock strap (read the comments)? In fact, on the night of the Tonka truck incident zwoman saw Dave staggering around the house, looking for the bathroom, wearing nothing but this very same cup. zwoman said "Dave wears a codpiece? I guess he really does teach Shakespeare."


Also up for auction: nineteen (19!) guitars. I have no idea why anyone needs nine guitars, let alone nineteen guitars, but a collection of nineteen guitars sounds like something Dave would amass. Some are acoustic while others are electric. I won't link to them all, and they all look more or less the same to (except for the colors). The most expensive is a limited edition Gibson Elvis Presley "The King" J-200 black acoustic guitar. According to Dave/Crowe "In 2000 I took a road trip from Texas to New York, via West Virginia, for the filming of A Beautiful Mind (2001). I took a detour via Memphis to visit Graceland and I bought this guitar from the shop there. It is no. 90 of 250 produced for 1997." Seems like it would've been easier to fly from Texas to New York but despite all his professed love of and advocacy for all things green and eco-friendly, Dave loves to burn inordinate amounts of fossil fuels by driving SUVs back-and-forth across the country so this is a very Dave story.


Dave's interest in oddball Euro sports like soccer and darts is well documented. As is his interest in cricket. Dave/Crowe's auction contains a batshit crazy volume of cricket memorabilia, including five signed and framed cricket batting gloves, ten game-worn sweater-vests, seven cricket bats, seven signed and framed cricket shirts, two bronze sculptures of Donald Bradman playing cricket (one of which is life-sized), and three framed cricket caps (one of which was apparently worn by W.A.S. "Bert" Oldfield and will allegedly sell for $50,000 to $60,000). Here's the pricey cap:


According to Dave/Crowe's catalog entry, this cap is:

green wool, embroidered with the Australian coat-of-arms worked in gold and silver wire and coloured silk, the series date below '1932-33', with a 'Farmers Sydney' label inscribed in ink 'W.A.Oldfield', framed with a black and white photograph of Oldfield, together with a copy of The Larwood Story: A Cricketer's Biography, (the dust jacket framed separately), opened at the page describing the infamous encounter between Oldfield and the English fast bowler, Harold Larwood, on 17 January 1933, when Oldfield was struck in the head off Larwood's delivery, suffering a fractured skull. An area of separation to one of the seams in the cap where Oldfield was struck, is a further reminder of the incident.

Sounds like a really pleasant piece of cricketing history to display in one's home--the hat hat Oldfield was wearing when he broke his skull, ripped seams and all!

I won't even get into the 1873 Sunbury Cup Australian silver trophy for greyhound coursing, attributed to Edward Fischer (1828-1911) for $10,000-$15,000.

Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence proving that Dogfoot is Crowe is Lot No. 5, a two-piece double-breasted purple suit worn by Russell Crowe in the movie Virtuosity.


Who would wear such an atrocity? This guy:


If you think this "slob with a football" ensemble is a one-off look you're mistaken. Historically, Dave looks like hell even when he's dressed up.


Pleated khakis, unzipped fly, rumpled shirt, oversized paisley print tie tied to a Trumpian length? Hell, this purple suit was probably the crown jewel of Dave/Crowe's wardrobe back in the 90's!

I think I can safely rest my case. Now that we know Dave is a wealthy movie star we should encourage him to pay for lunch at Tortuga's one day. All the more reason to attend OBFT XXV.

46 comments:

Marls said...

Dave will have one take away from this...A belief that he currently likes like early 90’s Russell Crowe.

Marls said...

Looks like

zman said...

Are you saying my analysis disnt persuade you? Tell me the guy with the rugby ball and the guy with the football aren't the same guy.

Squeaky said...

There is a whole lot of SOD one sentence structure in those auction item descriptions.

Whitney said...

TR, sorry to hear about the job status. Hope the OBFT is in the works and that you land your dream job soon.

Danimal said...

Missed the TR news. That sucks, or maybe it doesn't.
Am going to keep an eye on that OBFT 25 trip. If a couple of things go my way here over the next few months, that's a real possibility.

TR said...

The unemployment does not suck. I was in a bad spot and needed the company to dump me. I now get to do things like drink scotch past midnight on Wednesdays. But no more Tokyo trips w/ my pal Zman, unfortunately.

Time to find something different to do as I head down the back nine of my professional career. We’ll see where the wind blows me.

zman said...

I bet it blows you where the Pampers is.

zman said...

Meanwhile, Rand Paul is running for the 2020 nomination via his twitter feed.

Marls said...

Worked for Trump

Marls said...

TR - move to VA. We can open a business where you give “cool lessons”.

TR said...

Can we still sign up Brandon Woodward for that? Or is he still in the clink?

Did we ever reimburse him for his sweater damage?

rob said...

the nevada/loyola game is making me physically ill

Marls said...

He got 8 years in the federal slambo jambo back in late 13. He may still be in there. He could use the sweater money for the 2.4 million in restitution he owes.

Marls said...

According to the Federal Bureau of Prisons he was released on 5/17/2016. We should give him a call and see if he wants additional lessons.

zman said...

I remember that guy. T. Brandon Woodard. Did he initiate or drop? Or was he never a pledge?

Marls said...

I stand corrected. That was his dad. our buddy T Brandon Woodard is in the Butner Medium Security facility in Butner, NC. He is scheduled for release on 10/02/20.

zman said...

I had no idea he went to jail. Wow. His dad was in on the scam too, looks like Pappy O'Daniel.

Marls said...

I believe he dropped because someone ruined his sweater on the first night of of pledging.

TR said...

That is correct, Marls. He also voiced his complaints to the media. We ended up on the front page of the Flat Hat. That was separate from the time that some PiKas went to the administrators to complain about us not letting them into our party, and then beating them up.

rob said...

some of us more mature gheorgies might need a briefing. who are we talking about? and what did he do?

Marls said...

It was rude of us not to let the PiKA’s into the Bon Voyage PiKA Party in commemoration of them getting thrown off campus.

Whitney said...

I'm sure someone somewhere kicked up their heels when Pi Lam exited.

Whitney said...

By the way, the decision to put a comments section on the arrests.org website was cosmically and comically awful.

zman said...

That was probably the only time I ever made a useful contribution to a fight. Thank god for Sam Sadler.

I don't remember this guy's sweater but I do remember him coming to a smoker right after a Young Republicans Club meeting wearing a tie with $100 bills on it. I told him it wasn't a fratty look and he demurred.

zman said...

I thought we wound up in the Flat Hat because of Wurm and his rush partner. No? Or was that a separate incident for which we were punished?

zman said...

Wait was this the kid who got dip spit on his shirt and got upset? I remember that.

Danimal said...

Sounds like a post is forthcoming on the matter.
In other news, Byron Allen continues to not joke around and buys...The Weather Channel?
Also....Caleb Dressel. The guy can swim faster than many can run.

Marls said...

Yes, Zed. That is the guy in question.

zman said...

Trump's new lawyer was on TV rocking a bolo and a double breasted suit.

TR said...

I want to care about FSU - Gonzaga, but I just don’t. Wife and I opting for another Ozarks episode instead.

Danimal said...

Happy 69th Ric Ocasek!

Squeaky said...

Know I'm late to the game but TR sorry to hear about the job. Although it sounds for the best.

Mark said...

I bailed on both games last night and went to bed at 10:30. Something I would’ve never even considered a few short years ago. Soccer practice followed by a LAX game that didn’t end until almost 9 at the end of a long week took too much out of me. The lesson, as always, kids ruin everything.

I’m far more interested in tonight’s games. Might need a nap to stay up for their entirety though.

Whitney said...

Has Dave actually seen this post?

rob said...

i'm on a work call focused on marketing. a colleague just used the phrase 'digital body language' when referring to a prospect's interaction with our website. i hate modernity. or at least this part of it.

rob said...

mr kq, marls and i are playing some charity golf on 4/13 in ashburn. any interest?

Marls said...

That guy sounds like a digital douchebag

Whitney said...

Not for nothin

TR said...

Kansas and Seton Hall were the two teams I watched a ton of this season. Azubuike is the wild card for Kansas. When they get him going, he’s a beast. If not, they’ll need LeGerald Vick to really step up. And he’s streaky as fuck.

Graham will be a beast for 40 minutes and never sit. Love that guy.

TR said...

Is that Don Mattingly playing bass in the KFC commercial w/ Reba?

Whitney said...

37 hours and 41 comments after a post specifically about one Gheorghie and said Gheorghie has not commented. Where is Russell Crowe??

zman said...

I figured Dave would love a post about Dave, especially one concluding that he is a famous handsome talented person. Did I err?

rob said...

dave not commenting on the post of dave is among the least dave things ever.

also, apropos of nothing other than this buzz i've got, the stone enjoy by 4.20.18 is dank and beautiful.

TR said...

I left a jamming party at 11 PM tonight, eschewing a table full of brown liquors for my couch and a Poland Spring. I would love to see Cuse win b/c KU would crush them.

Marls said...

Is that a party where you went around jamming people? Mayhugh would love that.