Saturday, April 26, 2014

In Forty Hours, A Man Will Be Five Feet Deep In My Ass: Everything You Wanted to Know (But Were Afraid to Ask) About My Impending Colonoscopy

I won't be eating much on Sunday. Some eggs for breakfast, then a vanilla yogurt snack, and then some jello and Gatorade after that. The reason why, you might ask?  My first colonoscopy. Though I am a wee bit shy of 40, there is a history of colo-rectal cancer in my family, so I figured I'd combine two loves: avoiding cancer and having foreign objects inserted into the forbidden orifice.

One bit of good news is that my Dr. Assman tells me the laxative I have to ingest at 5 PM on Sunday and at 6 AM on Monday is less unpleasant to drink than the old stuff. I am curious to see the effects. I ate some absurdly spicy wings for no good reason for lunch today, so I wonder if it will depart in wave 1 or wave 2.

Keeping the fairway open is important because, after all, they're going five feet deep inside me. FIVE FEET. That's almost one whole Rob. But there's little to worry about. Dr. Assman tells me that there only complications with 1 in 200 patients. The common complication, you may ask?  Perforated anus.  But only half of the perforations require surgery.  That must be a fun message from the doc as you wake up. "So, um, about that procedure. Well, we tore your anus and had to fix it.  My bad." 



I will endeavor to keep you all up to speed on the comings and goings (mostly goings, actually, until one big coming occurs at noon on Monday) in casa de TR.

38 comments:

zman said...

First time in a long time that there are no comings in TR's anus.

rob said...

been there, tr. the preparation is far worse than the actual scope. 'cause you're knocked the fuck out for that part.

Mark said...

Big shot by Vince Carter. Still hate that soft motherfucker though.

I didn't do all the great shit Z did for his family today but I did give my wife my tattoo appointment next weekend after hers was cancelled yesterday. I'm pretty awesome to be married to. I hope my wife remembers that when I get drunk tonight whilst watching the Playoffs and UFC.

Mr KQ said...

I see your colonoscopy and raise you an endoscopy. Having the twofer on the 6th.

Or as KQ says, "fingercuffs".

TR said...

I am laughing at Mr KQ's comment. I guess there are more perverse ways to be fingercuffed.

The fingercuffs analogy always brings me back to that scene in Chasing Amy where the Jersey dude explains to Affleck how the girl got her nickname.

Mr KQ said...

Wasn't the Jersey guy Jay from Jay and Silent Bob fame? Totes the origin of KQ reference.

Mark said...

Back when Joey Lauren Adams was hot. A short but spectacular run.

TR said...

JLA had it going on in Dazed and Confused, Chasing Amy and Big Daddy.

And the Jersey guy was some random dude retelling the sex story, not Jay. But that scene was in a parking lot of a convenience store...the store used in Clerks.

For the none of you who care, Clerks was filmed in the county I grew up in.

zman said...

TR loves snowballs.

zman said...

And I laughed to myself when I saw fingercuffs in the toy store the other day because of this exact reference. Fellow shoppers likely thought I found Thomas the train amusing.

TR said...

So here's that scene, with a very funny, out of place PE song I forgot was playing in the background.

Half of my high school could've played this guy. Well, half of the high school guys.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxKHcFTPi9A

Mark said...

I'm watching a guy nicknamed Rumble fight. Nobody is calling him anything other than Rumble. Pretty sweet nickname.

Shlara said...

The first round of the NBA playoffs has been incredible so far.

Mark said...

Plenty of entertaining playoff series so far. Nothing compares to OKC-Memphis.

T.J. said...

Hi Gheorghies. I am now deaf so will not be able to hear you say Hi Gheorghies back.

zman said...

I put that song on a party mix one time at Unit M. 'Twas not well received.

Dave said...

good luck TR. this post has inspired me to grab a book and head to the head for my morning constitutional.

Marls said...

I dont mean to brag but if there was an all american award for taking dumps in public restrooms, I would be on the first team.

Mark said...

You'd have to fight me for first team honors on that one, Marls.

T.J. said...

A BBQ angel gave us a charcoal smoker. So excite.

zman said...

Because no society of men can exist twixt TR's butt cheeks.

Danimal said...

Taking my son fishing and....wait for it....my 3 year old princess who I love dearly, but will undoubtedly need to eat, pee, poop, sleep, play on computer, or something else within ____ minutes of establishing ourselves along the waterway, despite having done all of those things in the 60 min leading up to the adventure. Wish me patience.

Danimal said...

My over/under is 18 min

Mr KQ said...

Wait til she's thirteen.

zman said...

If I even meet the guy who invented Play Dough I'ma fuck him up.

mayhugh said...

I'm in the camp that says all dumping in public restrooms should be banned. #1 only.

Wiz surprised me today. I figured Nene being an idiot was what was going to turn this series.

Mark said...

I'm on the road a ton for work so I sometimes I don't have a choice. I have a deep mental Rolodex off all the really clean and solo public restrooms. For example, the third floor bathroom of a local hospital? Immaculate.

zman said...

I could write a 1000 word post about nasty/beautiful places I've shat. That's how often I use public shitters.

TR said...

Speaking of dumping, only took 11 minutes from my drink to see first results. Good think our family visited w/ zbaby before drinking the magic elixir.

Shlara said...

I've been to hundreds of Bullets/Wizards games, and that was on the top 5 list of games. Great crowd, team was intense & wouldn't give up. Love these guys

Could you hear the crowd chanting "free Nene" at the end?

Dave said...

i'm big on public shitters, and i've used them around the world.

thursday night i had to use the lady's room at the pub (because the men's room isn't equipped for shitting) and then i got to listen to a bunch of drunk women complaining about how badly some woman stunk up their bathroom (i slipped out without being seen).

Dave said...

there is a little used park in milltown, new jersey on milltown road just before you get to route 1, just before my gym, and the bathroom is always pristine. much much cleaner than the one in the gym. great spot to stop! perhaps this could be a spin-off blog: Pristine Public Pooping

Marls said...

We might all (except mayhugh) be able to accept first team honors. That said, I don't want to hear about all the perfect public rest rooms you have shat it. The mark of a true professional is some body who can go no matter the circumstances. For example, I once shit at the bar 7B father the stall walls had been ripped down during a fight. It's amazing the coverage a copy of the NY Post can give you.

Clarence said...

Can we talk about the Wizards instead of your bathroom behaviors? This type of proficiency isn't see very often in Washington.

Also, on Grantland, Gheorghe's name was smeared and misspelled in one Simmons segment.

Shlara said...

I agree Clarence--less bathroom talk, more basketball talk.

rob said...

i tweeted at simmons regarding that unfortunate error. i assume he's crafting an apology.

and i shit in a public bathroom one weekend a year. that's it.

zman said...

Marls, do you really want to play this game? I once shat in an Exxon on Cape Cod en route to my ex wife's parents' rental. The door didn't close and the toilet had no seat. There were three pieces of TP so I had to wipe with a box if Marlboro reds I found on the floor.

zman said...

Then I got back in the car. 200 yards down the road I had to shit again. Urgently. So I chucked a yooey and went back in armed with the book of maps from my back seat. I used Idaho and Iowa fighting I'd never be there.