Saturday, April 05, 2014

Hello Friends...Welcome to the Final Four

Tonight, Jimmy Nantz, who for a major media figure has questionable taste in women (eg. the woman he cheated with and then married), will welcome folks in homes and bars all across America to North Texas, home of this year's Final Four.  This annual ritual is the first leg of a week long CBS/faux nostalgia/Nantz sporting orgy that, for me at least, marks the true beginning of spring.   Screw that vernal equinox thing, it is not until we reach the Final Four, see "One Shining Moment", and take in "A Tradition Like No Other", that spring has finally sprung.  After this winter, I can't wait for the coming of our new Easter Bunny overlord.

"I, and the Heritage Foundation, fully endorse Creepy Easter Bunny for president." 
That brings us back to tonight's event, the NCAA Basketball Division I Men's Semifinals, AKA the Final Four.  While most of us will be watching as long as we can stay awake, some folks actually root for one of these teams and care beyond how the results might affect their chances of winning the office pool.   For them, today is a day of nervous energy and heavy drinking due to fandom largely predicated on the college that they attended or the fact that their parents had sex and gave birth in the state where that school is located.  With that in mind, and since I have no idea who is actually going to win these games, let's break down each fanbase to select a winner.

7 UCONN vs. 1 FLORIDA: (6:09 Tip-Off, clearly there is a frat guy at in charge of scheduling)

Today is going to be a long day for G:TB member Mark fretting about his Gators before the early evening start time.  I felt bad for him for a moment until I realized that he will be spending the day in a beach bar, getting drunk outside.  F that guy.  That said, I hate UCONN so I will be a Gator backer for at least one night.  As for the break down....

Student Bodies:  The Preps vs. The Ladies of the SEC


VS.


This one was rather easy and predictable.  Tanned coeds always beat pasty white guys in dockers.  

Non-Alum Fans: Hedge Fund Douches vs. Jorts


VS.


This one was a tough call, but I have to give to nod to the dudes crushing Natty Lights.

Wild Card: A guy who thinks he is God vs. A guy with God on his side


VS.



Geno Auriemma may be the best basketball coach in Connecticut (and the most likely to tell you that he is), but Geno ain't coaching tonight.  I'm going with Timmy and the good Lord.  

Winner:  Hot chicks, Jorts, Natty Lights and Jesus?  How can they lose?  Florida in a land slide

8 KENTUCKY vs. 2 WISCONSIN  (8:49 Scheduled Tip-Off)

This battle matches one of the most storied programs in college basketball history against a state that loves cheese.

Student Bodies:

VS.


This was a tough one.  Not much to distinguish one from the other.  Maybe this is unfair, but I'm gonna take the fat guy in a Santa suit over the folks with a history of institutionalized racism.  I think Big Gheorghe and this guy would agree....



Non-Alum Fans:  We might need to nuke these folks from space....


VS.


My father lived in Wisconsin for several years while I was in college.  Each summer I would go visit and was stunned by the fact that even in June & July all people talked about was the Packers.  Nobody really cares about the Brewers, the Bucks, or the Badgers.  On the other hand, all Kentucky has is college basketball & some horserace.  Gotta give this one to the Cats.

Wild Card: Ashley Judd vs. Thornon Melon


VS.


Everybody knows that Ashley Judd is a huge Kentucky fan.  What you may not know is that the University of Wisconsin was actually the setting for Back To School's Grand Lakes University.  As much as I love me some Ashley Judd, she (like the rest of us) is getting a little long in the tooth.  I'm going with Thornton Melon as long as Derek Lutz does not break up the pep rally to protest US nuclear policy.

Winner:  I'll take some of those fuzzy things you cheer with and pick Wisconsin to win in a squeeker.


54 comments:

zman said...

This is an excellent post. One quibble -- Ashley Judd can do no wrong, no matter the length of her dentition.

T.J. said...

Burger and beer fest. Burger and beer fest. Yes yes yes.

Also, great post

Clarence said...

Has any Ashley Judd movie ever been quoted in the annals of GTB? Because TR quoted Back to School within the last week. Badgers.

Nice work, Marlsboro Man.

Mark said...

Ashley Judd is wildly overrated IMO. But I also find Kentucky fans extremely loathsome.

Not drinking at a beach bar either because I'm a loser with kids. I am occupying myself by watching Menace II Society for approximately the 250th time.

Mr KQ said...

Ashley has been on my list for years and now has permanent status and even approval from KQ. Sorry Mark, must be an age thing.

And this post is awesome.

Clarence said...

KT, when you say approval, do you mean permission?

Mr KQ said...

In theory.

Mark said...

No problem, Mr. I'm not that in to white women so its probably more me than you.

I'm having trouble occupying myself. Still another two hours? Think I might hit a beach bar after all.

Dave said...

thanks marls, now i'm ready to watch.

Donna said...

As a current KY resident, feel compelled to remind that in addition to b'ball and a horse race, we got the bourbon trail, too!! And Pappy in particular.

But I'm with y'all, quietly mind you, hoping Wisconsin pulls it off. Mostly because I had UVA for the weekend, and well...

Just returned from day trip to Lex, in fact, and everyone and her brother is wearing UK everything!

Mark said...

Donna- feel free to send some Pappy down my way. Tough to find here in Florida.

rob said...

seriously, make mine a double.

rob said...

i love listening to barkley talk about phi slamma jamma. he's in awe of those guys.

i don't love sitting in a remote section of logan airport that has no booze.

Mark said...

Sitting outside at a bar helped pass a little time. About to hunker down in my living room for this game. Getting a little nervous over here.

Mark said...

I am in constant judgement of other people's tattoos.

Danimal said...

Nice post Marls. Ashley was on espn radio the other evening. Her knowledge and enthusiasm for sport are appealing, as is her butt. I would hit that.

Who is watching what coverage? Do tell.

Danimal said...

And I am single parenting tonight, so the kids are watching a movie, obviously.

Mark said...

Just watching the regular coverage. I get enough David Steele watching the Magic, which I do far too often.

rob said...

watching the regular coverage. on an airplane. magic.

Marls said...

Watching from the couch at Chateau Marls. Just got back from my third Met game this week. I have issues.

Marls said...

The person who designed this floor should be taken out back and shot.

zman said...

Just back from zmom's to celebrate zbirthday belatedly. As usual, time spent with zmom and her husband has driven me insane. Luckily I got 6 or 9 fifths of bourbon for zbirthday. I shall crack open something new tonight.

Marls said...

UConn's D is making Florida's offense look horrifically bad.

Mark said...

Florida's lack of offense finally caught up with them. I am bumming.

Marls said...

You should go over to Zman's for booze and leftover pig.

Mark said...

No shortage of whiskey in my home. Might be by the time I go to bed though.

zman said...

Grant Hill finally got a real fade!

zman said...

That UNLV jacket is played out like Kwame and the fuckin polka dots.

zman said...

I'm all out of pig.

rob said...

bummed for mark. what an awful time for scottie wilbekin to play like that. and for the love of all that's holy, go wisconsin. could not care less about a uconn/kentucky final.

zman said...

I too feel bad for Mark. FWIW Nike released some dope new flyknit jawns. Nothing soothes emotional pain like new kicks.

Mark said...

/goes to Nike.com

Mark said...

Honestly, I was far more bummed out about my team's loss in the playoff semifinal on Thursday than tonight's Gator loss. They played their worst game of the year at a bad time.

Feel bad for Wilbekin. He was great all year. Really off his game tonight. Credit to Ryan Boatright though. His on ball defense disrupted Wilbekin and, by association, Florida's offense.

Danimal said...

Here we go beeaadgers here we go!

zman said...

zstepsister went to Kentucky for med school and I'd love a 7-8 seed matchup just because it's preposterous. And Ashley Judd. So go Cats.

zman said...

Makers 46 goes down rapidly.

Danimal said...

I don't care who wins. Just like saying "beeeaadgers".

Mr KQ said...

It's hard to watch the Beeaadgers and not think Hoosiers. I keep waiting for them to run the picket fence for Jimmy Chitwood.

zman said...

No matter how hard Turbo Tax tries, taxes aren't fun.

Mark said...

It doesn't fit with the narrative but Wisconsin has the second it's pro prospects in the Final Four. Sam Dekker and KaminskynRe both going to be first round picks.

zman said...

What?

Mark said...

Jesus, iPhone.

Wisconsin has the second most pro prospects in the Final Four. Dekker and Kaminsky will both be first round picks.

Mark said...

Julius Randle has fantastic body control for a guy his size. Rarely out of control when driving, avoids charging calls.

rob said...

how did i not know that traevon jackson is jim jackson's kid? kinda feel like gtb let me down.

Mark said...

James Young is terrible defensively but I love his offensive game. Shoots it well, creative, deceptively athletic. High NBA upside.

Mark said...

Oh no. GTB didn't let you down, Rob. I commented on that before. Likely last season when I discovered it. Keep up, shawty.

rob said...

it's possible i let myself down. wouldn't be the first time.

Mark said...

Wisconsin has shot the shit out of it since Kentucky's early second half run.

zman said...

Onions

Mr KQ said...

Why would you not deny him the ball there?

rob said...

blurrrgh

Mark said...

Aaron Harrison has big, big balls. Huge mistake by Gasser to give him the 3 on the final possession though. The 3 is the only thing that beats you. Play all the way up and force a drive.

Not being aware of time and score loses so many games.

zman said...

I am dehydrated

Mark said...

Drake in the Kentucky locker room post game. Dude is an all time jock sniffer.