Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Babel On

It's been nearly a year since we last heard from the Large Hadron Collider. And today, we find out why it's been so silent: it's gone Hollywood.

Courtesy of several members of the Hadron Alert Posse (HAP), we've learned that the LHC is starring in a major motion picture, released today in New York. Particle Fever follows six scientists as they participate in the LHC's voyage of scientific discovery (read: as they become its minions, footsoldiers in the battle for global hegemony).

The trailer below offers a glimpse into the inner workings of the LHC, purpose-built by the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN)* to solve some of the most fundamental scientific mysteries of our time. While it all looks really impressive, two really discordant notes offer close observers clues into the LHC's diversionary mindgames.

First, in the trailer, the narration claims that CERN invented the internet so that scientists could share data across distances. This is so ludicrous as to give away the game - we all know that the internet was invented to share porn and spawn dipshittery.

If that weren't enough, the trailer notes that more than 10,000 people representing over 100 nationalities work at the LHC. The last time such a phenomenon came to be, God took umbrage at man's hubris, and cast him to the four corners of the Earth**.

And so, in Particle Fever, we see a mendacious, hubristic LHC in all its glory. It's been so obvious to us for so long. Now, the whole world will see it***.



* - Anyone else suspicious that the ostensible EORN goes by CERN? Why does nobody question this?

** - This may be a mistelling of the Tower of Babel story. It's been a while since I've read The Bible.

*** - I can NOT believe that Shlara didn't get me and Teej and invite to the screening of this film.

18 comments:

zman said...

1. I wish my employer didn't have a firewall so I could get to my favorite "The Bible?!?" video clip featuring my favorite ER doctor.

2. Does Shlara have some sort of insider superpowers that provide access to Gheorghe in luxury boxes AND movies about LHC? I think you expect too much from our readers rob.

rob said...

shlara's got a demonstrated track record of getting gtb into places we have no business getting into.

Danimal said...

happy ash wednesday ya'll. nice ash!

rob said...

hey mark, no pressure or anything, but florida's clearly the best team in the nation right now.

Mark said...

Shut up, Rob. I did get them at 12-1 for the national championship about 6 weeks ago. They're now sitting at 5-1. Still not a bad investment.

Clarence said...

Went out last night to help a friend celebrate her birthday. Ended up performing a little karaoke in a corduroy blazer and a tie. Always smooth.

"Sunday Morning Coming Down"
"Mama Said Knock You Out"

Mixed reviews.

rob said...

lhc fatigue, eh. you guys won't feel that way when you start getting sucked into black holes.

rootsminer said...

Good variety there, at minimum. You didn't pick easy numbers.

My fav karaoke memory is when I came to Manhattan for a night off the Appalachian Trail. Went to a karaoke spot where you're in a private room with your friends. TR was feeling it on GNR's Patience - eyes closed, holding an imaginary headphone over his ear. Feeling. It.

mr kq said...

Just made an impulse ticket purchase. Heading to 930 for Bob Mould 25 Years of Workbook. Rob, will I see you there?

Mark said...

Went to a Karaoke bar similar to what Roots describes in Koreatown last time I was in NYC. Greg and his friend of the month joined our group. Good times. I think we stumbled out around 5 am.

rob said...

no, kenny, and i'm impossibly jealous of you. really bummed to miss that show.

Marls said...

In unrelated news, being an Islanders fan sucks.

Marls said...

Actually, that's not really news.

mr kq said...

Hi lads. Rob thought you would like to know you didn't miss anything. Dreadful show.

TR said...

Not even 7 AM and my day has already been made:

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2014/03/05/mass-high-court-subway-upskirt-photos-not-illegal/

Mark said...

From last night...Freed Boosie!

zman said...

It's about time.

T.J. said...

filler posted