Wednesday, February 11, 2009

You asked for it: You get it (kind of)

In TJ's absence there's been far too little sports in this space. I mean, I like lists, talk of the economy and Rob's ramblings as much as the next guy (provided that the "next guy" is a strung out meth addict who talks to a sock puppet named Cornelius) but UNC-Duke is tonight and, dammit, that demands some attention.

So, in honor of RhymO's suggestion, I'm compiling lineups (including 6th men) from both Duke and UNC comprised entirely of players who nobody, other than their parents, ever thought had even a 1% chance of playing in the NBA. And just so we're clear, by "playing" I mean actually playing and contributing to a real, live NBA team (so no Timberwolves allowed. Hi-O!).

Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments. Also, feel free to go fuck yourself if you disagree with me. K-Thx.

North Carolina


PG: King Rice - Not that quick, just an average handle and no jumpshot to speak of whatsoever. Rice just beats out Derrick Phelps based on both his fresh high top fade and the story that he once missed a game because his girlfriend gave him a black eye.

SG: Donald Williams - He was not even as good a college player as most like to remember based on his exemplary performance as a sophomore in the Final Four. I'd liken him to a poor man's Trajan Langdon. Not very tall (6'1"), not much of a ballhandler and a pretty average athlete. Once won a championship in the Dominican Republic professional league, so he's got that going for him.

SF: Ademola Okulaja - Most people forget that he was a starter as a freshman over the much more ballyhooed (and talented) Vince Carter. (Maybe this should've been our first clue that Wince was (a) not that smart and (b) not that tough.) Unfortunately, for Okulaja, he never seemed to get better after his freshman year and has spent most of post-college career in Germany playing professionally and re-enacting scenes from Beerfest each summer with Dirk Nowitzki.

PF: Pat Sullivan - Bumbumbum. Carolina apologists will tell you that Sullivan was a "glue guy" who did the "little things" that allow ultra-talented teams to succeed. I'll tell you he was a big, goofy white dude who did nothing exceptionally well.

C: Kevin Salvadori - If it wasn't for Serge Zwikker, Salvadori would define the word "stiff" in most Tarheel fans minds. Unfortunately for Kevin, Serge was 7'3" (thus his brief run in the NBA) and poor Salvadori was only 6'10". Salvadori continued to play in the numerous minor league once he left Chapel Hill and once gave up 20 points to the 6'6" center of my city league team while playing for some ABA (or USBL) team in Jacksonville.



6th man:
Henrik Rodl - Greg's favorite Tarheel of all-time. Like a homeless man's version of Detlef Schrempf right down to the god-awful haircut (different but equally terrible). One of the earlier euro-imports to major college basketball. I'm not sure how highly touted Rodl was entering UNC but I feel like he was Christian Drejer before Christian Drejer. God, I fucking hate Christian Drejer.

Duke


PG: Steve Wojciechowski - Probably the least likely NBA player on this entire list. Not especially good at anything, other than slapping the floor and looking intense. His time at the the point featured the worst Duke season of the modern era as well as one of the longer losing streaks to Carolina in the school's history. I'm sure he was a great leader and he worked his tail off on defense (even his D was only average as it was limited by his size and lack of athleticism) but the guy just didn't bring much to the table.

SG:
Chris Collins - Another player from the worst Duke team in modern history. Collins was actually a 3 year starter at Duke. However, he was nothing but a spot up shooter until his senior year (2nd team All-ACC as a Sr.) and he also freaked out late in the national championship game versus Arkansas and threw up a horrible shot that effectively ended the game. Collins would've been hard pressed to make the league as a point guard, as a 2 though...absolutely no chance.

SF: Nate James - James was a McDonald's All-American coming out of high school. Unfortunately for him, he played center in high school. 6'6" centers with average athleticism don't usually find success in the ACC, so James set out to remake himself as a perimeter player. He actually did a pretty good job of accomplishing this over time. However, his lack of quickness and inability to create his shot were too much for James to overcome, and he eventually lost his starting job to freshman Chris Duhon as Duke went on to win a National Title.



PF: Greg Newton - One of the more pathetic Duke big men of the last 20 years or so. Quite simply, the guy was a spectacular failure in nearly every conceivable way during his tenure at Duke. Lets just go through some of the highlights, shall we? Once called Tim Duncan "soft" while Duncan was in the middle of destroying the ACC (Duncan completely clowned Newton to the press when he heard about Newton's comments). Suspended from Duke for cheating on a Computer Sciences exam. Lambasted by Coach K in John Feinstein's March to the Madness for being a headcase and, ironically, soft. Claim to fame: Left Duke one blocked shot away from cracking the school's all-time top ten.

C:
Casey Sanders - Big, athletic and without a hint of offensive ability. Sanders was a McDonald's All-American who never started a full season at Duke and (I'm guessing) didn't have more than 10 double digit scoring games in his entire ACC career. Because he was so big and athletic it always seemed that the light was just about to flicker on for Sanders. Of course, if it did Sanders probably would've double clutched the light bulb and fumbled it out of bounds.

6th Man: Brian Davis - Davis was like many of his wing counterparts during the late 80s to early 90s at Duke (Antonio Lang, Thomas Hill, Robert Brickey) in that he was a spectacular athlete without a very complete offensive skill set. Davis was probably the least skilled of them all, though he made up for it with "leadership" (Read: found ways to make Christian Laettner happy). I almost went with Lang here but decided that Davis's "alleged" homesexual trysts with Laettner pushed him over the top.

So there it is, your official G:TB list of the most underwhelming rotation players in the Duke-UNC rivalry. If that doesn't get you pumped for tonight, you might want to check your pulse.

38 comments:

Mark said...

Excuse the formatting issues. Blogger is fucked right about now.

zoltan said...

Dante Calabria and Ed Cota are bitter about their exclusion from your list.

Mark said...

Believe me, they both barely missed the cut (especially Dante). Its a very select list.

TJ said...

Listen you fuckfaces, its 1am italy time and Dennis still hasn't gotten his dookie jones...

Where the fuck is upstate new york legend greg koubek on this list?

Mark said...

I really love the idea of TeeJay staying up until 5 or 6 in the morning to watch Duke-UNC. There won't be enough Peroni to last.

And Koubek can go get fucked, right along with your boy Sam Perkins.

Mark said...

Okay, I'm sorry Big Smooth. TeeJay makes me say things I don't really mean. Kind of like the mid-majors and Billy Packer.

TJ said...

Now I'm trying to figure out how to watch this shit live...

Mark said...

ESPN 360 ?

TJ said...

Espn america..but all it shows is fucking hockey...who the fuck os craig button?

TJ said...

dante calabria

Bump...set...poop

Mark said...

And since we're on talking college basketball, I was absolutely devastated by Florida's loss @ UK last night.

Calathes did everything right all night long (including on Meek's last shot) and Meeks just made an unbelievable (and somewhat lucky) shot. Would've been nice to see Calathes make all 3 fts at the end, but I wasn't surprised he didn't.

Tough loss for a very young, very flawed team. I once said I didn't even really care if the made the tourney. Not anymore, they NEED to make the tourney if they're going to become an elite team in the next two years.

TJ said...

God dammit...chug some prosecco and miss out on zoltan's calabria call...my bad.

TJ said...

Hold on...I need to be up at 3am to listen to dick suck some dookie balls?

No grazie.

Mark said...

Nicely designed set piece and a heck of a finish by the coach's son.

TJ said...

I am currently in the mix of a backgammon feud we haven't seen since the mediccis ruled...

zoltan said...

Which Dookie's balls did/does Vitale suck the most? Wojo gets my vote. I still can't stand Wojo, in no small part because anytime he did anything - slap the floor, get an assist, pick his nose on the bench - Dickie V would go nuts.

Mark said...

Redick came close to overtaking Wojo for a minute there, but I think I go with Wojo too.

Mark said...

Is TJ already an old Italian man after less than a week in Florence?

Mark said...

I'm gonna call it, UConn-Cuse is gonna end up a better game than Duke-UNC.

Carolina by 12.

Rhymenocerous said...

I don't know about UConn-Cuse, but the biggest pair of conference games coming up is Pitt vs. UConn. Their styles of b-ball may not be as exciting as the white Dukies chucking treys or the Tar Heels running fast breaks, but both teams have a shitload of size and toughness.

They play in CT on 2/16 and in Pitt on 3/7. Those games will be battles, but they won't get 1/3 as much press as Duke-UNC.

Greg said...

Henrik Rodl....Chapel Hill High School's all time leading scorer. At least he was at one time.

What about Pete Chilcut or Cherokee Parks?

Greg said...

Serge Zwicker...soft as an earlobe

rob said...

been driving back from philly all evening - how's this soccer game been?

rob said...

michael bradley has an answer for me. nice goalkeeping.

also, tribe wins, 69-40. you lose to the tribe by 29 you should have all your scholarships revoked.

Mark said...

Greg, Chilcut and Parks both had decent NBA careers.

And, I agree with you on Pitt-UConn RhymO. Just talking about tonight earlier. Actually, UConn is my favorite team in America. Kemba Walker's gonna make a difference in at least one tourney game.

Rhymenocerous said...

UNC had 23 through the first 6:40 of the game, putting them on track for 69 points each half.

Nice.

Rhymenocerous said...

I sometimes succeed in tuning out the Vitale-Patrick hyperbole fest, but I am failing in a big way tonight. But as long as I don't see Patrick's face and ridiculous hair on my HDTV, I'll be okay.

Mark said...

Honestly, the local ACC feed kind of takes away from the game's atmosphere a bit. I actually could have used a little epileptic Dickie V just now.

TJ said...

Fuck you hyper gay muppet

Mark said...

TJ's still up. I'm sure thats pretty.

Without a doubt, there are a numbers of reasons why Carolina has handled Duke the last few years. Chief among them is Duke's inability to cover Ty Lawson off the dribble. Paulus, who was playing pretty well offensively, had to be taken out of the game Lawson was so badly exposing him.

TJ said...

Fuck you. Its 5 in the morn, and as far as I can tell, snoop aint bringing it til 6 in the morn...

TJ said...

Come on, Jeff Adrien is the faux espn difference maker for the next 6 weeks, not walker...

Mark said...

Adrien's their best all around player, imo. Walker's going to make a difference because he gives them a good enough pg to take Price off the ball and let him carry a large share of the offensive load.

TJ said...

Fuck you Mark. Jonny flynn and Cuse are a sweet 16 club. Papal ballots as the bet.

TJ said...

Yikes...too much anger from this guy at all hours. I blame the free flowing Prosecco last night.

TJ said...

Rhymo, is it true? The Kellen Clemens Era begins...again?

Rhymenocerous said...

Teej:

It's time to start talking yourself into the Byron Leftwich/Mark Bulger/Derek Anderson era.

Bret Ratliff totally outplayed Clemens last year, but GM Tannenbaum needs a big season to save his ass.

Mark said...

Not quite sure when I insulted TJ and Syracuse last night (dont think I did) but he seems to want to bet me on the Cuse's tourney chances. Though I too think that the Orange are a Sweet 16 caliber club, I'll bite. A bet it is my angry, drunk, suddenly Italian friend.