Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What, Me Worry?

A new day brings a new list. Here are 14 reasons why the words of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner are spooking the market. Somebody has to teach this guy the power of optimism.

1 - “…right now, critical parts of our financial system are damaged.”

You think so, doctor?

2 - “The credit markets that are essential for small businesses and consumers are not working.”

Consumers still have their credit cards, but they’re not spending because they were/will be/might be laid off at any time. Except for the editors of this site who buy Mayor McCheese costumes. And beer. Lots of beer.

3 - “Last Friday we learned that the economy had lost three million jobs last year and an additional 600,000 just last month.”

Shouldn’t Geithner be learning this before the general public? Can you pull some strings to get this guy a peek at a rough draft? Would anybody object to this?

4 - “Trade among nations has contracted sharply…”

I clearly blame the Oneida nation for this. Sitting there all high and mighty with their casinos and their untaxed cigarettes. Somebody should get Sam Bradford to have a talk with them.

5 - “Home prices are still falling as foreclosures rise…”

Oh yeah. Thanks for the reminder about that. I forgot about that kick to the balls for a second.

6 - “Instead of catalyzing recovery, the financial system is working against recovery.”

I dare you to find any logic in this sentence.

7 - “…unless we restore the flow of credit, the recession will be deeper and longer, causing even more damage to families and businesses across the country.”

Deeper. Longer. What are we really talking about here? The real inference here - Be a good American and buy a car with zero down, even though you may not have a job!

8 - “The causes of the crisis are many and complex. They accumulated over time, and will take time to resolve.”

Yet we still failed to see (and act upon) them! (Looking at you, Mr. Greenspan. At least you finished your book.)

9 - “There were systematic failures in the checks and balances in the system, by Boards of Directors, by credit rating agencies, and by government regulators.”

Convenient that government regulators is last on the list. The true villain for this mess – Moody’s!

10 - “These failures helped lay the foundation for the worst economic crisis in generations.”

Notice that generation is plural. If a generation can be thought of as 25-30 years, does that mean this is the worst since the Great Depression? Isn’t that only 2 or 3 generations ago? This is no time for ambiguous use of the plural tense, Mr. Geithner.

11 - “Last fall, as the global crisis intensified, Congress acted quickly and courageously to provide emergency authority to help contain the damage. The government used that authority to pull the financial system back from the edge of catastrophic failure.”

Way to remind us how close we came to the brink of despair. My therapist and I were starting to put that behind us. In a way, it reminds me of the way Hulk Hogan broke out of the Iron Sheik’s camel clutch in the Garden in 1984. Now THAT was a pull-back from the edge of catastrophic failure.

12 - “The force of government support was not comprehensive or quick enough…”

But at least it was courageous. And, um, didn’t you just say it was quick before? Was it quick or not? Regardless of the answer to that, it’s good to know that President Obama has learned from this mistake and refrained from publicly chastising legislators to pass something…anything…even if it’s not perfect…immediately. The message - Courage and speed: good. Forethought: bad.

13 - “…the American people have lost faith in the leaders of our financial institutions…”

We're looking at you, John Thain and Ken Lewis. Wipe those smarmy looks off your faces. And this line ignores the faith we lost (never found?) in our last president.

14 - “To get credit flowing again…we are fundamentally reshaping the government's program to repair the financial system.”

Piece of cake!

25 comments:

rob said...

this is a whole new arena for gtb: econoblogging. we're stimulating the economy one post at a time. nice work, rhymo.

Shlara said...

I just spent $100 in Macys in under 15 mins. How's that for optimistic?

rob said...

just $100? we're fucked.

Rhymenocerous said...

How many bags of stuff does $100 buy these days at a department store? 7? 10?

Shlara said...

three bags of stuff that I don't need--just stuff that I want. i can't pass up a sale if my life depended on it.

Mark said...

Shlara and I are doing our part albeit in different forms of commerce. Im still supporting my ballot dealer on a weekly basis and I put in an order for some lindo coffee for the bachelor party I'm attending next weekend.

zoltan said...

Another plank in my presidential platform is to have the Rhymenocerous handle all my press conferences.

Geoff said...

Mark's last comment made me uneasy.

Mark said...

Why's that, DC?

Geoff said...

The talk of papal ballots and especially the rich colombian roasts of lindo coffee has left me with an unwholesome feeling about that comment.

Mark said...

C'mon Geoff. I think we all know that I'm nothing if not wholesome and moral. A right wing republican's dream, if you will.

TJ said...

The Florentines have still been unable to show me where Michaelangelo's mentor, Master Splinter, resides...

I will continue to search on the banks of the Arno, where the other ROUSs seem to hang out.

Geoff said...

As a right wing republican I'd be much more comfortable is you were a self-loathing latent homosexual or maybe just enjoyed the company of prostitutes.

Marlin said...

Vote Zoltan: You may not agree with him, but what the fuck do you know?

Mark said...

So, Roberto Alomar has AIDS (allegedly)? TJ should go out of the country more often, when he's gone baseball is actually somewhat interesting...

Whitney said...

That would lend some credence to the story that Hirschbeck was using a homosexual slur when Alomar spit at him.

Rhymenocerous said...

That Alomar story reeks of slander. I believe it was Sartre who said Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman.

Whitney said...

I will support any and all slanderous stories, gay or otherwise, about Roberto Alomar. The frustration he provided my fellow Mets fans and me is well documented at our other blogging endeavor.

Dennis said...

There's a phenomenal non-partisan documentary that came out this year called "I.O.U.S.A." If you really want to get bummed out about the prospects of our economy, whether you're a Manny Ramirez or an Austin Kearns, put it in your queue immediately.

Dennis said...

I'm also trying to figure out why this is the post of the day, when Duke-Carolina tips off tonight at 9 P.M.

Rhymenocerous said...

"I'm also trying to figure out why this is the post of the day, when Duke-Carolina tips off tonight at 9 P.M."

If you're so upset, why don't you stop spawning and start making some posts, Dennis!?

Rhymenocerous said...

A fun list to compile that I don't have time for now: Make your all-time college teams of good college players you saw who had terrible pro careers. It would have to be players who were genuine pro prospects (Sorry, Shavlik).

UNC could start Montross and JR Reid. Duke could have Mark Alarie, Danny Ferry...

Dennis said...

Sadly, Duke's squad would be unmatched in this hypothetical.

Mark said...

Very true. That list would be a good one and a nice addition to the list I'll post (one day) about NBA players who get way more PT than I ever expected when they were collegiates (I'm looking at you Carl Landry).

Greg said...

DC, if Mark's last comment made you uncomfortable, then you will want to know NOTHING about McBay's bachelor party in Jamaica last week. And I mean NOTHING!!!