Gheorghe Ponders...The CAA

Fresh from the rousing success of G:TB's tour through Major League Baseball's nicknames (and by rousing success, we mean that we actually made it through 5 of the 6 divisions without getting distracted and/or bored), our staff turns its attention to our favorite NCAA conference. Herewith G:TB's take on the relative snappiness of the Colonial Athletic Association's school mascots:

As always, any factual errors are the product of extreme laziness and not meant to imply that your particular school or that of your son/daughter/niece/nephew/trophy wife is less-than-superawesome. Except for JMU. We totally mean everything we said about JMU.

Delaware Blue Hens

Originality: Exhaustive research (3 minutes of Wikipedia/Google searches) indicates that no other major college athletic program has taken a female chicken as its mascot. The Toledo Mud Hens are the closest comparison. Nice work here, UD.

Geo-cultural Relevance: The Blue Hen is the state bird of Delaware. Not at all to be confused with the city bird of Philadelphia, which isn’t actually a bird at all. High scores in this category, too.

Tradition: YoUDee, Delaware’s mascot, was inducted into the UCA Mascot Hall of Fame in 2006. I have a hunch that said Hall of Fame is located in Ted Giannoulis’ basement, but I can’t confirm it. In any case, the mascot has had more success than the Hens’ athletic programs, with the notable exception of Delaware’s more than solid I-AA football program.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: They might stay with Blue Hens, but I sure as heck hope they’d come up with a better name than YoUDee. Youppi and Screech mock him mercilessly at mascot conventions, while G-Wiz takes his meal money.

Overall Impact: Not really intimidating in any way, but Blue Hens is distinctive and memorable. Just like the state of Delaware. Okay, not at all like the state of Delaware.

Drexel Dragons

Originality: There are a handful of mythological creatures in college sports (a Griffon here, a Banana Slug there), but Drexel is home to Division I’s only Dragons. Frankly, that’s a little bit surprising.

Geo-cultural Relevance: Ah, Philly, the City of Brotherly Suck. A scaly, sulfur-spewing, mouth-breathing fire hazard fits right in.

Tradition: Eh. The Dragons’ mascot is named Mario the Magnificent. I guess YoDeeU was taken. Drexel’s had some solid hoops squads over the past several years, but the school is on the outside looking in at Philly’s legendary Big 5 (frankly, the best thing ever to come out of the city other than those delectable soft pretzels), so not much to write home about.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: Drexel’s an underrated academic power, with top-notch undergraduate business and engineering programs, so the Scholars isn’t out of the question. (Note: my boss is a Drexel alum, so I’m required to include that sentence in nearly all correspondence. Not that it isn’t true. As far as you know.) On the other hand, it is right smack in the middle of Philadelphia, so the Go Fuck Yourselves is just as likely.

Overall Impact: High marks for the alliteration. Decent score for the originality. Suffers from the comparison to "Dragon Tales," which seems to be on my television every evening when I come home from work because my wife has been completely drained by my children’s manic energy.

George Mason Patriots

Originality: The NFL’s version is more prominent, but it sure seems like Mason got there first after the school’s founding in 1957. No other major college program loves America enough to take this name. Bunch of freaking pinko commie left-wing ivory tower academics.

Geo-cultural Relevance: George Mason, signer of the Declaration of Independence (actually not, but he was asked to – that magnificent bastard wanted to include individual rights in the document). Patriot. From Fairfax, VA (ish). George Mason, university. Patriots. Located in Fairfax, VA. Niiiiice.

Tradition: Until 2006, little to none, other than having a pretty decent on-campus building. After 2006, the greatest college hoops story ever told. Hoosiers, Rudy, Miracle on Ice, Chariots of Fire, and Little Giants all rolled into one.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: Some seamstress would be trying to figure out how to fit Fighting Larranagas on a basketball jersey. They’d still have that absurd blobby Gunston thing, though. He’s apparently harder to kill than a steel-coated cockroach.

Overall Impact: Top notch nickname, even though the school’s colors are green and gold.

Georgia State Panthers

Originality: There are only 30 other Panthers in college athletics. So, nice work, out-of-the-box thinkers in Atlanta. In GSU’s defense, they do have an awesomely menacing cartoon mascot.

Geo-cultural Relevance: It’s not immediately clear that any panthers or cats of any kind other than tabby are indigenous to the greater Atlanta area.

Tradition: GSU’s hoops squads have been coached by the legendary Lefty Driesell and the not-so-legendary-but-pretty-darn-good Rod Barnes. That’s the good news. The flip side is that the school’s fight song could double as my daughter’s Very First Reader. Witness:

Fight, fight, fight

With all your might

Victory is in our sight

Panthers roar and have no fear

Stand up Georgia State and cheer

The Blue and White are in the den

Rough and tough, we're here to win

We're the Panthers, and we're great

Loyalty for Georgia State

G-E-O-R-G-I-A S-T-A-T-E

Go State, Georgia State

Fight on Georgia State!!

Georgia Tech, they ain’t. Hell, Peachtree Community College, they ain’t.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: Judging by their fight song, they’d go simple and with very few letters, so as not to confuse their student body.

Overall Impact: Lame, bordering on criminally negligent.

Hofstra Pride (née Flying Dutchmen)

Originality: Hofstra shares the Pride moniker with my sister’s alma mater, Springfield (MA) College. Amazingly, they share the Flying Dutchmen nickname with Hope (MI) College and Lebanon Valley (PA) College. I had no idea that either of these names were appropriated by any other school, so I’m gonna pretend they weren’t. If nothing else, no other school has used both Pride and Flying Dutchmen, so kudos to Hofstra on that. They’ve also got a killer logo – no kidding here, G:TB really digs the stylized male/female lions. We’ve perhaps seen too much Lion King.

Geo-cultural Relevance: Judging from the map, Hofstra appears not to be located anywhere near the savannah, but a quick review of the available literature ties the Pride name to a school-saving image makeover. So, grudging acknowledgment.

Tradition: Wayne Chrebet and Gio Carmazzi hail from Hofstra, and the New York Jets call the school’s facilities their training camp home. The Pride appellation dates only back to 1987, so it doesn’t offer much in the way of long-term cred.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: I really kinda like the Flying Dutchmen, but in the same way that Redskins is offensive to Native Americans, I do understand the legacy of tears and shame Hofstra’s former nickname brought to earth-bound natives of the Netherlands. Pride is just fine.

Overall impact: Strong to quite strong. A little bit distinctive (aforementioned and now completely forgotten other schools notwithstanding) and tied nicely to the school’s history. And, speaking as someone whose alma mater goes by the Tribe, I’m not in a real position to besmirch Hofstra’s non-traditional stance.

James Madison Dukes

Originality: We’ll be treading lightly here, as my wife is a proud alumna of Virginia’s best safety school. Duquesne and Pennsylvania State-DuBois share the name with JMU, but since Duquesne’s is an obvious alliterative abbreviation and not all that clever, and PSU-DuBois doesn’t actually exist, JMU’s version is the most unique.

Geo-cultural Relevance: The Dukes are named in honor of Samuel Page Duke, JMU’s second president. Fortunately for the school’s athletic squads (and logo designers throughout history), Mr. Duke narrowly edged rival Armistead Wormworth Butt for the top job. (Easy? Obvious? Oh, for sure. But who ever said G:TB was above the low-brow?)

Tradition: JMU’s got a tough row to hoe in this category, if only because the competition in the Commonwealth is so tough. Nonetheless, the Dukes have done their alma mater proud on the playing fields over time, winning a Division I-AA football championship in 2004 and routinely pacing the CAA in hoops back in the 90s. On the other hand, if you have to resort to listing Sports Junkies’ producer Bret Oliverio as a notable alum, even in Wikipedia, perhaps you’ve got some ground to cover.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: Well, Linwood Rose helms one of the nation’s academic up-and-comers today, so if history is any judge, the JMU Roses smell just as sweet.

Overall Impact: We kid because we love. And because our JMU-alum friends have such a cute inferiority complex. G:TB likes Dukes given the school’s history, and the Duke Dog mascot is terrific.

Northeastern Huskies

Originality: Not so much. Northeastern shares the name with three other D-1 programs (Washington, Northern Illinois, and New England neighbor Connecticut), in addition to St. Cloud State, who play D-1 hockey. We expect a bit more from a school in America’s most literate city.

Geo-cultural Relevance: Lord knows a good, shaggy puppy can help keep a body warm through Boston’s dark, cold winters. Lord also knows that The Shaggy D.A. was not one of Tim Conway’s finest efforts.

Tradition: Northeastern’s been around since 1898, but it’s hard to get noticed when Harvard, MIT, Boston University, and Boston College all share the same address. Jim Calhoun coached the Huskies, and Mike Jarvis is an alum. NU’s hockey squadron annually faces off in the legendary Beanpot with BU, Harvard, and BC.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: They’d have to do something spectacular to get noticed. Red Sox announcer Don Orsillo is an alum; maybe they’d go with the Remdawgs in an effort to get the Boston Globe and NESN to notice them. Maybe not.

Overall Impact: Like Northeastern in general, the Huskies is sort of an afterthought.

Old Dominion Monarchs

Originality: Kudos to the ODU higher-ups for being confident enough in their school’s position to use a butterfly as a mascot. That’s an important lesson for the less-tolerant in our society. Though I’m less certain about the color choice, given that the butterfly in question is generally orange or yellow and black. It’s really a striking creature.

Geo-cultural Relevance: As a former native of the Tidewater area, I can vouch for the fact that the occasional butterfly flutters through the region from time to time.

Tradition: ODU’s men’s sports programs have taken a back seat to their women’s historically, but the hoops squad has won more CAA titles than all but one other conference mate. (Bonus points if you can name the all-time leader.) The Big Blue Beast alternate nickname is killer, though, even if it’s hard to figure out how it relates to butterflies. ODU’s Constant Convocation Center is a damn terrific college venue, too.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: They might stick with Monarchs, as the Commonwealth of Virginia is noteworthy in its connection to England’s regal line. But they’d probably go away from the whole butterfly thing.

Overall Impact: High marks from the G:TB staff for ODU’s choice – the Big Blue Beast flaps its wings in Norfolk, and a rainstorm brews somewhere in Africa. That’s some serious impact.

Towson Tigers

Originality: Tigers? Really? The players on my kindergarten-age daughter’s rec league soccer team came up with six more original names in 90 seconds this fall. Of course, most of them had some connection to the Power Rangers or Barbie, but they were more original. We went with the SuperWinners.

Geo-cultural Relevance: Shmank.

Tradition: Whit’s gonna love this. According to the never-wrong keepers of the flame at Wikipedia, it turns out that former Atlanta Braves GM John Schuerholz, a Towson alum, led the drive to change the Towson nickname from the Golden Knights to the Tigers in the early 1960s. Now my colleague’s got a reason to dislike Towson, a school that heretofore inspired nothing so much as indifference.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: They’d canvas the local elementary schools in an effort to punch up the mascot, settling finally on the Explorers in an homage to Dora after first rejecting the Wiggles and the Incredibles.

Overall Impact: Yeah. Not so much.

UNC Wilmington Seahawks

Originality: Though it’s not necessarily bracingly original, the Seahawks appellation is unique enough in context that the Dub gets a thumbs-up here.

Geo-cultural Relevance: It’s quite possibly the perfect fit for a school known affectionately as UNC by the Sea.

Tradition: Like a lot of the CAA’s schools, Wilmington’s really not been around all that long. Not their fault, but there’s not a ton to speak of in this department, save for the run of hoops excellence in the early part of this decade. The swim team kicks ass, though.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: I really don’t think they could do any better than Seahawks. And frankly, with the beach right there beckoning, I don’t think they’d be inclined to spend a lot of effort on it.

Overall Impact: Seahawks is the best fit of name to school in the conference. Kudos to Wilmington. And if you’d like to invite the G:TB staff to visit, say in late May or early June, we’re not so stuck on professional protocol that we’d decline the offer.

Virginia Commonwealth Rams

Originality: Better than Tigers and Panthers, I guess, but not groundbreaking.

Geo-cultural Relevance: At some point, when Richmond was but a twinkle in William Byrd’s eye, I’m quite certain that sheep roamed freely along the gentle James River, and the brisk crack of horn-to-horn combat rang out over the countryside. Well played, VCU.

Tradition: Like conference-mate ODU, VCU’s origins can be traced in some manner to William and Mary, which allows the Rams to ride the coattails of the nation’s second-oldest college. Or run screaming from W&M’s hoops legacy, either one.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: They’d have a great deal of fun. VCU’s got a strong media/arts program and excellent medical/dental schools. The creative freaky-freakies and the science kids would come up with something spectacular, I’m quite certain, like the Psilocybic Surgeons.

Overall Impact: Middle of the road.

William and Mary Tribe

Originality: One of a kind. Once the forces of creeping political correctness forced W&M to drop the Indians moniker (despite the fact that the school was originally chartered to educate natives and the leadership of the local tribes didn’t object to the name), the Tribe was a reasonably elegant solution.

Geo-cultural Relevance: As noted above, W&M was founded in 1693 to “educate” the local native population. The Tribe nickname pays fitting homage to the school’s historical origins. The NCAA, in its infinite wisdom and surpassing sense of proportion, has deemed this historical association to be somehow offensive. Tribe chieftain Gene Nichol has penned a supremely fitting response to the NCAA, among the many reasons why this subset of the W&M Alumni Association heartily endorses our embattled leader.

Additionally, the Tribe name serves as a foundation for one of the nation’s dorkiest student body cheers, which is extremely culturally relevant to the W&M student body. Freed from the dank corridors of Swem Library for 15 minutes one weekend, clever W&M undergrads reversed “Go Tribe” to the sublimely geeked out “Ebirt Og”, which continues today as a battle cry. Then, they went back to the library to prepare for their careers as captains of industry and ruiners of fun.

Tradition: W&M bestrides the CAA like a colossus in this area, both in terms of actual history (I mean, let’s be serious, Thomas Jefferson alone is enough to trump the alumni of all the other CAA schools combined) and athletic accomplishment. We’re actually not kidding here – with one minor exception, W&M has fielded the conference’s most successful athletic program since the CAA was founded in 1985. Well, with one very notable exception. Dammit.

If They Picked a Mascot Today: The very same forces of conservatism and ill-considered do-goodery that seek to remove Gene Nichol from office would demand nothing but the blandest, inoffensive, vanilla moniker. Ladies and gentlemen, yourrrr William and Mary Wrens.

Overall Impact: We’re clearly biased, but we like the Tribe. It’s not the best in the conference, but it’s unique and connected to the school’s history. Ebirt Og.