Back to the East Coast and our comfort zone. For what it's worth, the NL East can't compete with the AL West for overall team name depth.New York Mets
Originality: I’ll say this for New York City – they certainly have a way with unorthodox and creative team names. You’d think they’d be able to translate that gift into other artistic and literary pursuits. It’s really quite a shame. The Mets, short for Metropolitans, are the only professional franchise named for an art museum*, a real testament to the team’s security in its collective manhood.
* Not, in fact, accurate and used in this case only for poetic license. I love poetry. Doesn’t make me gay, nosiree. The use of ‘nosiree’, however, may render that declaration questionable.
Geo-cultural relevance: New York is a metropolitan area, so, y’know, huzzah. There are probably more specific appellations that could work for the team, but the nation’s leading city makheyes a good argument here. Of note, two of the finalists for the team’s name back in 1961 were Bees and Burros. Man, do I wish that
they’d chosen Burros. Get it, Burros, Boroughs?
Tradition: From the most lovable of all losers to the most improbable of champions to the most egregiously despicable championship scoundrels, Mets fans can choose from a smörgåsbord of entertaining personalities and historical events. Casey Stengel’s boys remain the gold (pewter?) standard for futility, but managed to be as enjoyable as they were incompetent. The Miracle Mets of ’69 were the patron saints of the hopeless until the 2004 Red Sox took that mantle in the ALCS (wait for it, I’ll balance that blatant homerism in just a moment). And the legendarily debauched 1986 Mets delivered one of sports’ all-time crushing blows, the forces of evil triumphing over sunshine, soft beach breezes, and puppies and sending Dan Shaughnessy’s kids to college.
If They Named the Team Today…the Big Apple’s perennial stepchildren would be looking for a big splash to knock the Yankees from the back pages for a few days. Hard to do, but I think Burros may work. That, or they shell out massive dollars when a certain calm-eyed, intangible-hoarding shortstop’s contract expires and sell him the team’s naming rights, birthing the New York Jeters. Not many other options get the Mets into first place in NYC.
Overall Impact: Fine, fine name for New York’s NL franchise. Unusual, memorable, and malleable for headline writers.
Philadelphia Phillies
Originality: Cradle of Liberty, home of the cheesesteak, City of Brotherly Love**, and they come up with a repeat of the team’s hometown? Does it shock anyone that this is the best Philadelphia could do? Even Robbie Robertson and Cam Cameron are embarrassed.
** - G:TB believes that this nickname was meant to be ironic.
Geo-cultural relevance: Yeah, well, Phillies is, in fact, a shortening of Philadelphia, so congratulations, geniuses – you nailed it!
Tradition: The Cubs (and formerly Red Sox) get all the attention, but the fact of the matter is that the Phillies are one of the more egregiously dysfunctional franchises in all of sports. Despite reaching the World Series four times (with a win over the Royals in
’80), the Phightin’ Phils have a dreadphul history. Their colossal choke in 1964, blowing a 6 ½ game lead with 12 games to play, is one of the all-timers. Generally speaking, the Phillies have mostly been mediocre, which is perhaps worse than epically bad.
If They Named the Team Today…the mouth-breathers on Philly talk radio (hosts and callers alike) would demand satisfaction, but being as short on creativity as they are on charm, they’d settle on the Eagles.
Overall Impact: It’s an unusual name, and it’s come to fit the franchise. It provides headline writers with an easy crutch: Phillies Phold Again. It’s not awful. That’s about as effusive as I get when it comes to Philly.
Atlanta Braves
Originality: I suppose it’s a bit better than Indians. But not much. It’s not nearly as good as the Atlanta Crackers.
Geo-cultural relevance: The team started in Boston, moved to Milwaukee, and settled in Atlanta. Nobody saw fit to change the name, which had alliterative value in the team’s original home, cultural resonance in Mill-e-wah-que (which is Algonquin for "the good land”), and…zippy in the Dirty South. Pretty fitting for America’s worst sports town to just make do with a hand-me-down franchise name.
Tradition: The team registered from time to time pre-1992, with notables such as Henry Aaron, Warren Spahn, and Eddie Matthews. The terrific baseball motto, “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain”, served as the rallying cry for the late 40s M-Braves. Since the Braves’ out-of-nowhere run to the NL West title in ’92, the Braves have been one of the league’s most prominent franchises, synonymous with great pitching and sustained excellence, and the poster boys for the vagaries of the baseball postseason.
If They Named the Team Today…only 20 or 30 people in town would notice, and they’d pick a name with all the rough edges and personality sanded completely off. Like the Wildcats. And they’d still play that insidious Tomahawk Chop, and fans would still drone on in metronomic synchronicity.
Overall Impact: Bland and forgettable. Just like Atlanta.
Washington Nationals
Originality: None. Horrible, horrible job by MLB in naming this team. They missed so, so many opportunities. Does it stun you to know that the same rocket surgeons that completely missed the Steroid Era and allowed an All-Star game to end in a tie flailed miserably when given an opportunity to define a franchise’s future?
(Note: I’m from the Washington, DC area. I’ve perhaps given this topic more thought than most normal humans would consider healthy.)
Geo-cultural relevance: Inasmuch as the Nation’s Capital is part of the nation, Buddy the Pinhead and his crew hit this out of the park. Of course, the NBA’s Syracuse Nationals did it first. Cripes. What, Senators (one of the many great choices) was too derivative? How about Bullets – an homage another great name lost to the forces of political correctness? Sea Dogs? (sorry, that may be a bit inside)
Tradition: It’s easy to forget that the Nats carry with them the long and storied history of the Montreal Expos. Mostly because there is no long and storied history of the Montreal Expos, other than to serve as a late-model version of the Kansas City Athletics, farm team to the rest of the bigs. Gary Carter, Randy Johnson, Mark Langston, Larry Walker, Vlad Guerrero and a bushel basket of others toiled first in Montreal before seeing success in other places. In their current incarnation, the Nats simply aren’t old enough to have established any meaningful currency.
If They Named the Team Today…they’d do well to listen to me. This team should be called the Grays, in a nod to Josh Gibson’s Homestead Grays Negro League franchise, which called DC (and Pittsburgh) home. Not only is Grays a distinctive name with a terrific heritage, the use of the name now would instantly turn the Washington franchise into a marketing juggernaut. The hip-hop community would jump in with both feet, and so would the hipster/ironic/socially conscious Myspace world. Old-time liberals would rush to buy merchandise to salve their white guilt. I’m not wrong on this, people. Name it, and they will come.
Overall impact: Nationals is about the most inoffensive and vanilla name possible. Presented with a blank canvas and a score of great options, MLB made like J.D. Drew and whiffed meekly.
Florida Marlins
Originality: It’s an homage to the Miami Marlins, a long-time minor league franchise, so it’s not exactly created out of whole cloth. In the sporting universe, though, it’s unique, and in a region where a lot of the good names are already taken (Gators, Dolphins, Hurricanes, Heat – well, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad), Marlins is a pretty spiffy alternative.
Geo-cultural relevance: Florida is surrounded by water. Fish, including Marlins, swim in water. Hand, meet glove. And, for what it’s worth, I’m told that Florida has some kick-ass sportfishing, too. I wouldn’t know – worms and such make my stomach queasy.
Tradition: Weird. Very high highs, including two World Series championships in 14 seasons, and very low lows, including not one but two fire sales. The team plays in a football stadium and has finished in the bottom five among all MLB clubs in home attendance since at least 2001, despite winning a championship in that time. They’ve got a young, reasonably exciting squad right now, but they’ve got no juice. Pun not intended until I realized it was a pun, upon which it became very much intended.
If They Named the Team Today…they’d need to punch up the sexy to get some buzz. We’re talking about South Florida, people. Let’s talk sun and surf and skimpily clad European girls wandering the streets freely. Let’s talk about the Miami Blow. Hey, it could stand for wind – get your mind out of the gutter.
Originality: I’ll say this for New York City – they certainly have a way with unorthodox and creative team names. You’d think they’d be able to translate that gift into other artistic and literary pursuits. It’s really quite a shame. The Mets, short for Metropolitans, are the only professional franchise named for an art museum*, a real testament to the team’s security in its collective manhood.
* Not, in fact, accurate and used in this case only for poetic license. I love poetry. Doesn’t make me gay, nosiree. The use of ‘nosiree’, however, may render that declaration questionable.
Geo-cultural relevance: New York is a metropolitan area, so, y’know, huzzah. There are probably more specific appellations that could work for the team, but the nation’s leading city makheyes a good argument here. Of note, two of the finalists for the team’s name back in 1961 were Bees and Burros. Man, do I wish that
they’d chosen Burros. Get it, Burros, Boroughs?Tradition: From the most lovable of all losers to the most improbable of champions to the most egregiously despicable championship scoundrels, Mets fans can choose from a smörgåsbord of entertaining personalities and historical events. Casey Stengel’s boys remain the gold (pewter?) standard for futility, but managed to be as enjoyable as they were incompetent. The Miracle Mets of ’69 were the patron saints of the hopeless until the 2004 Red Sox took that mantle in the ALCS (wait for it, I’ll balance that blatant homerism in just a moment). And the legendarily debauched 1986 Mets delivered one of sports’ all-time crushing blows, the forces of evil triumphing over sunshine, soft beach breezes, and puppies and sending Dan Shaughnessy’s kids to college.
If They Named the Team Today…the Big Apple’s perennial stepchildren would be looking for a big splash to knock the Yankees from the back pages for a few days. Hard to do, but I think Burros may work. That, or they shell out massive dollars when a certain calm-eyed, intangible-hoarding shortstop’s contract expires and sell him the team’s naming rights, birthing the New York Jeters. Not many other options get the Mets into first place in NYC.
Overall Impact: Fine, fine name for New York’s NL franchise. Unusual, memorable, and malleable for headline writers.
Philadelphia Phillies
Originality: Cradle of Liberty, home of the cheesesteak, City of Brotherly Love**, and they come up with a repeat of the team’s hometown? Does it shock anyone that this is the best Philadelphia could do? Even Robbie Robertson and Cam Cameron are embarrassed.
** - G:TB believes that this nickname was meant to be ironic.
Geo-cultural relevance: Yeah, well, Phillies is, in fact, a shortening of Philadelphia, so congratulations, geniuses – you nailed it!
Tradition: The Cubs (and formerly Red Sox) get all the attention, but the fact of the matter is that the Phillies are one of the more egregiously dysfunctional franchises in all of sports. Despite reaching the World Series four times (with a win over the Royals in
’80), the Phightin’ Phils have a dreadphul history. Their colossal choke in 1964, blowing a 6 ½ game lead with 12 games to play, is one of the all-timers. Generally speaking, the Phillies have mostly been mediocre, which is perhaps worse than epically bad.If They Named the Team Today…the mouth-breathers on Philly talk radio (hosts and callers alike) would demand satisfaction, but being as short on creativity as they are on charm, they’d settle on the Eagles.
Overall Impact: It’s an unusual name, and it’s come to fit the franchise. It provides headline writers with an easy crutch: Phillies Phold Again. It’s not awful. That’s about as effusive as I get when it comes to Philly.
Atlanta Braves
Originality: I suppose it’s a bit better than Indians. But not much. It’s not nearly as good as the Atlanta Crackers.
Geo-cultural relevance: The team started in Boston, moved to Milwaukee, and settled in Atlanta. Nobody saw fit to change the name, which had alliterative value in the team’s original home, cultural resonance in Mill-e-wah-que (which is Algonquin for "the good land”), and…zippy in the Dirty South. Pretty fitting for America’s worst sports town to just make do with a hand-me-down franchise name.Tradition: The team registered from time to time pre-1992, with notables such as Henry Aaron, Warren Spahn, and Eddie Matthews. The terrific baseball motto, “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain”, served as the rallying cry for the late 40s M-Braves. Since the Braves’ out-of-nowhere run to the NL West title in ’92, the Braves have been one of the league’s most prominent franchises, synonymous with great pitching and sustained excellence, and the poster boys for the vagaries of the baseball postseason.
If They Named the Team Today…only 20 or 30 people in town would notice, and they’d pick a name with all the rough edges and personality sanded completely off. Like the Wildcats. And they’d still play that insidious Tomahawk Chop, and fans would still drone on in metronomic synchronicity.
Overall Impact: Bland and forgettable. Just like Atlanta.
Washington Nationals
Originality: None. Horrible, horrible job by MLB in naming this team. They missed so, so many opportunities. Does it stun you to know that the same rocket surgeons that completely missed the Steroid Era and allowed an All-Star game to end in a tie flailed miserably when given an opportunity to define a franchise’s future?
(Note: I’m from the Washington, DC area. I’ve perhaps given this topic more thought than most normal humans would consider healthy.)
Geo-cultural relevance: Inasmuch as the Nation’s Capital is part of the nation, Buddy the Pinhead and his crew hit this out of the park. Of course, the NBA’s Syracuse Nationals did it first. Cripes. What, Senators (one of the many great choices) was too derivative? How about Bullets – an homage another great name lost to the forces of political correctness? Sea Dogs? (sorry, that may be a bit inside)Tradition: It’s easy to forget that the Nats carry with them the long and storied history of the Montreal Expos. Mostly because there is no long and storied history of the Montreal Expos, other than to serve as a late-model version of the Kansas City Athletics, farm team to the rest of the bigs. Gary Carter, Randy Johnson, Mark Langston, Larry Walker, Vlad Guerrero and a bushel basket of others toiled first in Montreal before seeing success in other places. In their current incarnation, the Nats simply aren’t old enough to have established any meaningful currency.
If They Named the Team Today…they’d do well to listen to me. This team should be called the Grays, in a nod to Josh Gibson’s Homestead Grays Negro League franchise, which called DC (and Pittsburgh) home. Not only is Grays a distinctive name with a terrific heritage, the use of the name now would instantly turn the Washington franchise into a marketing juggernaut. The hip-hop community would jump in with both feet, and so would the hipster/ironic/socially conscious Myspace world. Old-time liberals would rush to buy merchandise to salve their white guilt. I’m not wrong on this, people. Name it, and they will come.
Overall impact: Nationals is about the most inoffensive and vanilla name possible. Presented with a blank canvas and a score of great options, MLB made like J.D. Drew and whiffed meekly.
Florida Marlins
Originality: It’s an homage to the Miami Marlins, a long-time minor league franchise, so it’s not exactly created out of whole cloth. In the sporting universe, though, it’s unique, and in a region where a lot of the good names are already taken (Gators, Dolphins, Hurricanes, Heat – well, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad), Marlins is a pretty spiffy alternative.
Geo-cultural relevance: Florida is surrounded by water. Fish, including Marlins, swim in water. Hand, meet glove. And, for what it’s worth, I’m told that Florida has some kick-ass sportfishing, too. I wouldn’t know – worms and such make my stomach queasy.Tradition: Weird. Very high highs, including two World Series championships in 14 seasons, and very low lows, including not one but two fire sales. The team plays in a football stadium and has finished in the bottom five among all MLB clubs in home attendance since at least 2001, despite winning a championship in that time. They’ve got a young, reasonably exciting squad right now, but they’ve got no juice. Pun not intended until I realized it was a pun, upon which it became very much intended.
If They Named the Team Today…they’d need to punch up the sexy to get some buzz. We’re talking about South Florida, people. Let’s talk sun and surf and skimpily clad European girls wandering the streets freely. Let’s talk about the Miami Blow. Hey, it could stand for wind – get your mind out of the gutter.
Overall Impact: Solid to quite solid, although the region's utter indifference to the team hurts it a bit. Tough entertainment climate with a lot of competition for team names.
NL East Recap: I like the Mets, with the Marlins second, and the Braves and Phillies trailing way behind, and the Nationals begging for spare change outside the stadium.
Next up: NL Central (6 teams. I may need to stretch.)
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33 comments:
Time to pull Mike Adamle out of the moth balls:
NBC is getting into the ring with "American Gladiators," which has been revived by the Peacock for midseason.
The competition skein -- which featured players with names like Nitro, Turbo and Laser in its campy, early '90s syndie incarnation -- will be updated for the 21st century with new technology and twists. MGM TV, which was behind the original hit, is producing along with Reveille.
Philadelphia Phillies
Billy Williams
William Carlos Williams
Bob Roberts
Steve Stevens (Billy Idol's guitarist)
Richie Rich
Jack Johnson (the boxer)
Oh, and I'm not sure how competitive you'd be sportfishing with worms.
How bummed out must Bills fans be today? That is a horrific way to lose a game...
Drew, if you're still reading G:TB I'd love to get some feedback from you on that game.
Cubs are killing me
You're having a tough couple of weeks - Wolverines, Cubs, Bears RBs allergic to the ball...
yes, worms are part of the me-hate-fishing joke
So, if we were to jump aboard the overexaggeration bandwagon and rank the 5 worst teams in the NFL after week 1, acknowledging that the 4 teams playing tonight aren't in the discussion, here's how my list would look:
Browns - Comically inept. Except if you're a Cleveland fan.
Chiefs - I've been telling anyone who would listen for weeks now how much these guys suck.
Falcons - Brian Brohm should pick out his Buckhead bachelor pad now.
Bucs - Shocker, Cadillac Williams got hurt yesterday.
Raiders - Despite scoring a tad on the Lions, they still blow. Shame too, that defense is pretty good.
I agree with that bottom five, and would rank them:
32. Browns
31. Falcons
30. Chiefs
29. Raiders
28. Bucs
All that negativity will rot your insides, Thomas. And at the end of the day, it won't make you feel any better about your own life.
And the Jets would be #27 after that piss-poor performance yesterday.
I'm not sure what to make of this, other than the fact the Orioles are fucking atrocious (and full of 'roiders):
The Orioles are 3-16 since taking the "interim" tag off manager Dave Trembley's job title and extending him through next season.
I'm not sure if everyone caught this, but Agent Zero's cousin, Javier Arenas, returned a punt for a TD for Alabama this weekend (against Vandy). I wonder if Javier has a blog?
I really like the Marlins name. At this point, any time a team is named after something that's not an intangible concept, I'm pretty happy. Marlin is unique, geographically relevant, and kind of a cool fish.
Nationals is the exact opposite. What a cop out.
New York Locals
Philadelphia Longshoremen
Atlanta Vice Squad
Beltway Fat Cats
Miami Marlins
New York Plisskens
Philadelphia Paulies
Atlanta Dolla Dolla Bills Y'all
Washington Filibusters
Miami Sound Machine (oh wait)
New York Queensmen
Philadelphia Knuckles
Atlanta Cheetahs
Washington Bedfellows
Miami Humidity
The New York Groove
The Philadelphia Freedom
The Atlanta Peach Pits (after dark)
The Miami Dade
The Washington Gheorghes
Yesterday's Bills game has to be the worst way to start a season. They lost two defensive starters, a defensive backup, and a special teams guy may never walk again. Just tragic stuff.
The following post on Two Bills Drive sums it up best. This is a reply to the question "will the Bills rally around Kevin Everett's injury and play like champions":
How about winning because you should? What about not coaching like a retard and calling a bomb pass on 3rd and 5? What about showing some heart on defense? What about finally addressing our mediocre kicker?
No, let's wait for one of our players to break their neck and then use that as the "We're playing this one for Kevin".
The last thing I want to see is this tragedy being used as a "rally cry" for a underperfoming team. Let's just keep the prayers coming for the guy.
If Kyle Boller is your quarterback, there's under 2 minutes left in the game, you're down by 7, and you're on the 2 yard line, why would you ever call a pass play? Multiple times?
And yet he threw a terrific ball to Todd Heap to tie the game. And then the referee decided to get involved. I'd be a little grumpy were I a Baltimore fan.
Terrific? Maybe if the goal was to knock the wind out of him.
I was just very happy to see the Ravens get knocked around...and get knocked around they did. The Bengals were fucking drilling guys left and right.
Were you not watching the game? He threw a TD over the top that got called back on offensive pass interference (questionable at best). The referee did not get involved at all on that next pass to Heap.
Come on now, I expect better from you.
Teej, is that anti-Baltimore sentiment, or just specifically anti-Ravens? (Or anti-Poe?) They aren't Jets rivals or anything, to my knowledge. You're still a Jets fan, right?
My bad--it's early. I was referring to the second pass--the laser that bounced off Heap's numbers and ended up in Michael Myers's hands.
The most underrated factor in that game was the Bengal's D-lineman's ability to make absurd catches on two INTs.
You lived in this area for an extended period and don;t hate Baltimore?
I hate Billick...thus, I hate the Ravens.
And that shoestring INT catch by a 350 lb DE was indeed impressive.
There were two. The one by Geathers in the 3rd might have been even better.
Yeah, I was talking about the game clincher...do we even need to discuss how annoying Mr. Tony was all night, especially in regards to the Chad Johnson "celebration"?
I don't hate Baltimore. When Flynn lived there while attending PT school, he dragged me up there for weekend after weekend of revelry in the Charm City. O's games, concerts, and a whole lot of time eating wings, drinking beer, playing Keno, and watching football in taverns like Looney's Pub, the Dead End Saloon, the Gin Mill, The Horse You Rode In On, etc.
Maybe it's a credit to Flynn that he could make any town fun, but I don't think I have anything bad to say about B'more.
One of my favorite pastimes in the NFL is to read/hear/see all the ridiculous exaggerations that come from the media after Week 1. Folks should remember that each team has played 6.25% of its games so far.
All the hyperbole surrounding the Jets loss got me to this point. After shitting the bed on Sunday, everybody decided that 2006 was a fluke, that this year will be terrible, that the offensive line is horrible, etc. Folks already had the team penciled in for an 0-2 start because they travel to Baltimore for Week 2.
Let's think about the Ravens now. They may be starting Boller, and Ray Lewis and Jonathan Ogden may be out. Doesn't seem like such a lock for a loss now. I loved Kolber's speech when Boller entered the game. "This team really believes in him, and that's why he got an extension." She's got to fill airtime to prove her worth, so she babbles that crap.
I still don't understand the folks that were high on the Ravens this year. They talked about McNair getting better as he gets more familiar with the offense. The guy is in his 13th year. His body is destroyed.
The NFL is oversaturated with media. Identical headlines get thrown around so much and a common "group-think" idea emerges. The themes du jour are that not playing a lot in preseason is hurting teams, and that the AFC is vastly superior to the NFC. How about letting a quarter of the season unfold before talking like we know anything? Randy Moss didn't seem to mind missing the preseason.
One more thing: Chad Johnson is a dildo.
I'm with you--if Kyle gets the start, the Jets get a W, even if Kellen Clemens has to go for them.
New Bears season, so whoever had Week 1 in the "When will Mike Brown get injured" sweepstakes gets the win. I'm also super glad that the Bears let go of two DTs in the offseason to leave room for depth when the starter goes down in week 1 for the rest of the season.
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