Won't You Come...to Build a Fire

Full disclosure: I'm constitutionally incapable of functioning in a professional environment without a looming deadline, and I don't have one right now. Because I have this magic blog machine, you get to benefit from my ADD.

Gheorghe: The Blog is a direct descendent of Gheorghe: The Magazine, a short-lived internet 'zine that "published" two or three issues back in 1999 or so. As noted over there to the right, the premise behind G:TB is that most of the world takes itself far too seriously, which results in a deafening mediascape of self-important blathering at best, and an imperial thirst for treasure and blood at worst. This self-seriousness is particularly pronounced in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area, where most of the G:TB editorial staff makes our home.

In the old days of G:TM, we had a running feature that detailed those individuals and/or institutions that were filled with the spirit of Gheorgheness. We called it the Gheorghe List. Later, here at G:TB, we kicked off our efforts with this:

To borrow - liberally - from a much more accomplished man, I can't define Gheorgheness, but I know it when I see it.

Jon Stewart's got a whole heaping mound of Gheorgheness. Dan Snyder (or, as he'll come to be known in this space, Little Danny Starfucker) is the antithesis of Gheorghe. John Riggins has a PhD in Gheorgheness. George Will is a George, but not a Gheorghe. Yao's a little bit Gheorghy, but Kobe's not. Kevin Millar teaches Gheorghe 101 in Boston, but Roger Clemens flunked out of the course. Emeril Lagasse seems to know which wine goes best with Gheorghe. Mark Cuban's thinking about making Gheorghe an honorary Maverick.

I can't think of a single politician with Gheorgheness, though Dennis Kucinich is really funny-looking. Stewart Scott aspires to Gheorgheness, but he's so fake that he can't pull it off. Rich Eisen can, though. Too bad he's dead. Well, taken a job at the NFL Network - 6 one, 1/2 dozen the other. Dennis Miller used to be chock full of hearty Gheorgheness, then he took a hard right turn and became a caricature. Michael Moore is so far from Gheorghe that he might as well be a short, fat, humorless troll. Oh. That simile ran smack into the wall of reality, didn't it?

Jack Black is the high priest of Gheorghe, attended by his happy alcolyte, Jeremy Piven. But not by John Favreau, David Spade, or Colin Quinn. The Kids in the Hall gaily genuflect to Gheorghe while they get Girl Drink Drunk. Sting's got more anti-Gheorghe in his pinky than Bruce Springsteen does in his whole family, though, to be sure, I still like both of their music. And speaking of music, the Wiggles are thinking about making Gheorghe a new recurring character - Greg will pull him out of the magic hat.

Aside from a few dated references (Millar's obviously now an Oriole, and Greg Wiggle has left the band) I think this first cut at the Gheorghe List holds up pretty well. And despite the lefty political leanings of at least half of the G:TB editorial staff (I'm pretty sure Teejay has no idea what goes on in Congress, and I have my suspicions about Dennis), I think we were pretty equal opportunity in our slagging of the non-Gheorghy.

That said, the original Gheorghe List is 3 1/2 years old at this point. We need to induct the next class into Gheorghe: The List. While we put our meager brains together to ponder (and remember, I can't work without a deadline) we welcome your input.