You Take the Bad and There You Have...

Just how bad will the 2007 Washington Nationals be?

An interesting question. In case you haven’t bothered to peruse the Nats’ roster yet, we at G:TB will offer you our own, always-insightful take on the club. And they’re bad. Some kind of bad. Better than the ’62 Mets, perhaps, but worse than the 1990 Yankees. They hope to follow the path of the 2003 Detroit Tigers, who posted a 43-119 rebuilding year, sent Alan Trammell to the sanitarium, and ended up in the World Series three short years later. We’ll see. Don’t start printing up those 2010 World Champions Hanes Beefy-T’s just yet.

As you are probably well aware, we Gheournalists don’t do straight-ahead, sensible analysis. It’s not our bag. Instead, we offer an analogy that promises to confuse your minds and insult your tastes. Here we have your 2007 Washington Nationals, as referenced by American television sitcoms. Enjoy.

Starting Lineup

2B – Felipe Lopez: “Growing Pains”
Never mistaken for a classic, but solid -- especially relatively speaking. Lopez was an All-Star once...as a reserve who played a couple of garbage-time innings. “Growing Pains” won a couple of Emmys...for lighting effects. Lopez will get on and steal a base for you, and if you're scanning through the roster, he jumps out as “competent” or “adequate” -- surrounded by players who don't evoke such thoughts. Kirk Cameron was amusing, Alan Thicke is notable for having composed the theme songs to other shows (see the title of the post for a hint at one), and if you're scanning the guide on your telly, you might stop and watch a little -- it's better than landing on Roseanne (in every possible way).

SS – Cristian Guzman: “Small Wonder”
So bad, it’s highly entertaining. How terrible are things when the team benefits from having you on the shelf all year? His .574 OPS in ’05 was laughably horrid. (By comparison, Dontrelle Willis slumped to hit .172 last year, and his OPS was still .587.) And Guzman may be in better shape with a year off, but he’s 195 pounds like I’m 7’1”. (Height gain update coming soon.) His tenure in DC has been a joke, and a bad one – much like every laugh-track-supported gag in “Small Wonder.” Implausible premise meets shabby acting meets corny gags meets terrible special effects. It has it all, and much like Guzman’s contract, it’s one of the worst ever. When winces and head-shakes become wry smiles, you really have something.

3B – Ryan Zimmerman: “The Office”
The single best thing going for the Nationals/sitcoms today, standing out amid a sea of bleakness. It’s still too early to tell his/its place on the all-time list, and there are still too many unfair comparisons made to the British version or David Wright. That said, there is much to like. Not enough to keep you going to RFK or watching current network situational comedy on the whole, but it’s a fine exception to the norm.

RF – Austin Kearns: “My Two Dads”
Two mediocre tastes that don't go great together. Greg Evigan had sitcom success before, Paul Reiser afterwards. Together, they made...a suckbag show. The Nats need some power from a clean-up-hitting rightfielder to replace Jose Guillen, Austin Kearns needs a smaller park and someone worth a damn hitting behind him -- lest he revert to his free-swinging Cincy ways. As it is, he's cutting down on his K's and cutting way down on his HR's. He may well not hit 20 taters -- as far-fetched in his current role as two bachelors raising a teenage girl in the city.

1B – Dmitri Young: “Joey”
A bad idea, clearly, but you just knew they were going to do it. A two-year stint with middling results is really the best-case scenario for both the “Friends” spin-off and the troubled, under-performing Young. Dmitri-LeBlanc -- Destined for the “Where Are They Now?” bin very soon.

LF – Ryan Church: “American Dad”
Supposed to be a lot better than what I've seen so far. Seems to have what it takes, but color us unimpressed in limited viewings to date.

CF – Nook Logan: “My Mother the Car”
Exavier Prente “Nook” Logan. Interesting name, much like the TV show. The show sucked; Logan has some work to do.

C – Brian Schneider: “Benson”
Seven seasons of a few highlights and a whole lot of waiting for the really good part. Though his surname beckons for "One Day at a Time," he's not even that good. The back of Brian Schneider's baseball card reminds me of the only funny joke on the short-lived sitcom “Anything But Love.” Read the last three paragraphs of this post if you're interested.

Bench

C – Jesus Flores: “Amen”
Never saw either one.

1B – Travis Lee: “Home Improvement”
Lee finished 3rd in Rookie of the Year voting in 1998. “Home Improvement” came racing out of the gate with Tim Allen using much of his very funny (albeit toned down) stand-up, Pam Anderson looking sexy, and the mostly physical comedy inducing some chuckles. Hmmm. The kids got old and dorky, the plotlines were recycled or stretched to stupidity, and Travis Lee has bounced around without duplicating the power or consistency of that first year.

C/1B – Robert Fick: “Three's a Crowd”
A third catcher or a third first baseman, Fick was a solid prospect once upon a time, but fizzled out quickly into journeyman status. Meanwhile, after the mightily successful “Three's Company,” there was hope that John Ritter could carry the spin-off. It fizzled at the same rate until being killed off mercifully. Mr. Fick may well soon find his plug pulled as well. And not in the good way.

1B – Nick Johnson (DL): “Chico & the Man”
Ah, what could have been. A funny sitcom and a promising career, not to mention a life, ruined by Freddie Prinze's drug-fueled suicide. In a less tragic but still disappointing story, Nick Johnson's prodigious knack for connecting bat with ball at the major-league level is undone by an uncanny series of injuries. At this point, Nick the Stick doesn't know when or even if he will be able to resume his career. It's not exactly...“loo-king gooood!”

2B – Ronnie Belliard: “Arrested Development”
How is Belliard not starting at second with Lopez (a natural SS) starting at short? How did this show get cancelled? Neither represents the best ever, but come on, we're talking a serious upgrade to the tripe in its place (crap reality TV, Cristian Guzman). I guess it comes down to money. Seems pretty dunder-headed to me.

OF – Chris Snelling: “The Duck Factory”
Not as odd a name, but still different. I know the following facts: Chris Snelling's middle name is Doyel, and “The Duck Factory” starred a very young Jim Carrey. That might attract my co-writers a bit, but the masses will have to wait for something more substantial.

IF – Josh Wilson: “The Michael Richards Show”
Gone before it even got started, most likely.

OF – Alex Escobar: “Charles in Charge”
Such promise! Chachi gets his own show (minus Joanie this time), Willie Aames is his buddy, and there are cute girls for us to watch swoon over him. Similarly promising, Alex Escobar had the Mets salivating over the future star. Ugh. Terrible, terrible, terrible. And it/he won't go away. Six years since Escobar first played at Shea, six years of Chachi in Charge, and neither offered anything desirable, save a few fluke homers and some Nicole Eggert visuals. Take it out of syndication and cut him, once and for all.

Rotation

John Patterson: “Golden Girls”
Generally rated pretty highly, disguising the fact that it/he's just not that awesome. In truth, it's probably an unfair request -- asking Patterson to be the ace or asking a show about retired women to appeal to young men; just don't ask us to be excited about either.

Shawn Hill: “Major Dad”
I'm ignorant once again, but hey, it could be good -- I liked the guy in “Simon & Simon,” so you never know. It just doesn't seem like something that will be successful, though, you know? A guy with two career wins is your #2 guy? Stranger things have happened, I just can't bother to think of any right now.

Jason Simontacchi: “Mama's Family”
He's still in the league?? It reminds me of how most folks would ask, “This [insert expletive of choice here] show is still on the air??” during the inexplicable 130-episode run. Dear lord.

Matt Chico: “Grace Under Fire”
Yeah, you wanted “Chico & the Man,” didn't you? Well, Matt Chico hasn't earned that yet. He's never pitched in a major-league game. He's the #4 starter. Frightening, no? So was this Brett Butler “comedy.”

Tim Redding: “Blossom”
Out of the majors last year, and with a stats sheet that shows a stint with the Yankees that lasted exactly one inning (with six earned runs -- that's a 54.00 ERA for you non-math majors), and at age 29, the odds are against him. But Manny Acta is giving him the shot no one else would. Tune in for a very special “Blossom.”

Bullpen

Jon Rauch: “Perfect Strangers”
Jon Rauch, a 6'11" hurler from Louisville. Balki Bartokomous, a bizarre shepherd from Mypos. An odd pairing, as they're . . . perfect strangers. But really, it's just that TJ likes both of them a whole lot.

Ryan Wagner: “Joanie Loves Chachi”
The three players the Nats got from Cincinnati (in exchange for . . . nothing, except a W&M guy) were Lopez, Kearns, and Wagner. If Kearns were “Laverne & Shirley” and Lopez were “Mork & Mindy,” (they're not, duh, if you read this post), Wagner would be the “Joanie Loves Chachi.” If you understand what I'm going for here, please let me know, because I sure don't.

Ray King: “The Nanny”
Generally irritating to most folks. Lasted longer than predicted or deserved. Not what you want to see.

Micah Bowie: “Mr. Belvedere”
Bob Uecker is funny. This show was not. Micah Bowie has a cool name, but it could be a similar letdown at RFK when he's handing away leads, presumably while Don Sutton, the new Nats' equivalent of Harry Doyel, cracks jokes.

CL – Chad Cordero: “Bosom Buddies”
The show, like Cordero, was gangbusters out of the gate, but slowed a bit in the second season. The geniuses at the network cut it loose, not knowing it was letting comedic acting brilliance go. I speak, of course, of Peter Scolari, who would later become a household name with his work on “Newhart.” Here's hoping the new front office of the Nationals -- who simply have to be more savvy than the sharp minds of MLB's executive office -- don't make a similar mistake. Also, big ol' Chad Cordero fits well with “bosom.”

Well, there you go. Your one-stop-shopping for Washington Nationals information and insults has given you this handy-dandy, printable guide for use at the ballpark. Mostly to shield your eyes from the carnage.

Happy viewing!