Thursday, June 30, 2005

GTB's "Bama of the Week"

This was an easy one...
"I would never sit out [if traded]. I would go play for them. It doesn't mean I'm going to be happy playing there. And if I'm unhappy, you don't want me on your team. It's just that simple. I'll make that known to anyone."
- Malcontent Gary Sheffield

Damn, this meal tastes like shit...TAIPEI (Reuters) - It may take a strong stomach to eat curry or chocolate ice cream out of a toilet bowl, but a commode-themed restaurant in Taiwan does booming business serving up just that.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

God Bless MTV

Look at what MTV has on tap (I will let you guess which one I think is an instant classic):

"Yo Mamma" - Wilmer Valderama searches for the country's most outrageous trash talkers
"Welcome to Crunkville" - Contestants move in with Atlanta-based hip-hop artists The Ying Yang Twins with the chance to win the deed to their mansion
"Omarion" - The recording artist's attempt to become a corporate mogul a la P. Diddy
"Mr. Rooney's Barbershop" - Offers a look into the Queens, N.Y.-based barbershop where local cutters scout for hip-hop talent from the 'hood
"Homewrecker" - Former "Jackass" star Ryan Dunn helps revenge-seeking viewers wreak havoc on someone's home
"There and Back" - Details the potential comeback of former O-Town singer Ashley Angel who is now broke, engaged and about to become a father
"Beyond Normal" - Tracks MTV News correspondent Gideon Yago as he helps young people whose lives have been turned upside down by crisis or conflict
"8th & Ocean" - A docu-soap about the lives of wannabe fashion models in Miami Beach
"Ten Years Later" - A scripted comedy based on the real-life story of former public-access star Jake Fogelnest.

It would be nice though if they could fit a video or two in a day.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Square Peg, Round Hole

I stole this right off of ESPN.com...
Tony Womack's batting average is .239, his on-base percentage .273 and his slugging percentage .263. Those numbers make Womack the 790th best hitter in the majors leagues (out of 792), according to Baseball Prospectus.

Jesusfuckingchrist people, the guy is a 2B, not a CF. A piss poor 2B at that. Is there any wonder this $200 million team is 39-37? Just continue forcing overpaid donkeys onto the field because there are no better options a-holes (and no, I'm not ignoring the atrocious starting pitching, I simply do not have the energy to rip them right now). Thank god the Orioles and Rangers have decided to shit the bed the last 2 weeks, or there wouldn't even be a wild card chase to get excited about. George is getting very upset.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Welcome to Chocolate City, Part Deux

Last week, it was the Police Chief's car. This week, it's Nats OF Marlon Byrd's car:

On Wednesday night, the Washington Nationals returned from their 10-day, three-city road trip still in first place in the National League East. They arrived at RFK Stadium by bus from Dulles Airport, grabbed their luggage and headed for their cars.
But when they arrived in the players' parking lot beyond the right field wall at RFK Stadium, they discovered that several of their cars had been broken into -- and that of outfielder Marlon Byrd had been stolen -- a breach of security that left several players angered and shaken.


Byrd seemed pretty pleased with the parking lot staff - "Bottom line, it was a [expletive] job done here by the people who work here, a [expletive] job here."

* Must see TV tonight - 10pm, MTV, the wrap up special To Hell and Back: Hot Gossip from the Inferno II. Prepare to enter the minds of some completely insane individuals (Tonya, I'm looking right at you).

* I am dying for some McDonald's Orange Drink right now. I have no idea why.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Get in my Belly!

I was flipping around last night prior to Game 7, and happened upon the Orioles/Blue Jays game and caught fat-ass Sidney Ponson on the mound. Hmmm, where is fatty Ponson from again? Oh that's right...Aruba. Has anyone thought to ask Sidney if he perhaps ate Natalie Holloway with some fava beans and a nice chianti?

With the NBA season ending last night, all we're left with is the NBA Draft next week and the rest of the baseball season. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining, mainly because I'm one of the few people left in America who can actually watch a full game of baseball and enjoy it. The bigger problem is we are reaching the down time for highlights, when SportsCenter gets out of control in an effort to retain viewers. You might remember the SportsCenter Classic crap from last year, or the "5 Bands in 5 Nights" thing they did. So don't be surprised if the Black Eyed Peas show up in Bristol next week to host the 6pm SportsCenter, and Alf teams up with horseface Linda Cohn for the 1am SportsCenter.

Um, yeah, let me get the Orca Burger, ketchup only, with a side of plankton and a Shamu Shake...TOKYO (Reuters) - With Japan under fire for plans to expand its whaling program, a fast food chain is offering a new product aimed at using up stocks from past hunts -- whale burger. The 380 yen ($3.50) slice of fried minke whale in a bun went on sale Thursday at Lucky Pierrot, a restaurant chain in the port city of Hakodate on Japan's northernmost island of Hokkaido. "The taste and texture are somewhere between beef and fish," said Lucky Pierrot manager Miku Oh. "People in Hakodate have a long history of eating whale, so customers are looking forward to trying it."

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Who thought this was a good idea?

The guys sitting in for Mike and Mike are currently interviewing Hakeem Olajuwon. You cannot understand a single word he says. Not one word. I am serious. I might've been able to understand Mutombo more than this.

The Yankees are a terribly mediocre squad, and Carl Pavano decided to take some heat off Randy last night by also sucking balls. Speaking of Yankee pitchers driving me crazy, where the hell is Jaret Wright? Witness protection?

The Starbucks "Hank" ad is pretty good, but it can't hold the jock of the "Glen" ad...everyone together now..."Glen's the man, going to work...He's got his tie, got ambition..."

Whitney, you still owe me a case of Coors Light.

Don't forget to go see Rebound...Rated PG...July 1st...

Spurs/Pistons, Game 7 tonight. This has all the makings...

Didn't I see this the first time, when it was called The Hollywood Minute?
THE SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE (A.K.A. GONE HOLLYWOOD) (Comedy Central) - The cable channel has given a 13-episode order to a new weekly half-hour "The Daily Show"-esque series hosted by comedian David Spade. The project is a reworked version of the previously completed pilot "Gone Hollywood," a potential weekday strip hosted by Greg Giraldo and executive produced by Spade. Comedy Central is said to have approached Spade to host the series after "8 Simple Rules" got the axe last month with the promise of a 13-episode order.

What a great morning at work...WJFK finally has streaming audio...click here to listen to the Junkies...and then at 3pm come back and listen to Don and Mike...DONKEYS

She should've foregone the "cash" prize and taken Stampy...mmm...elephant fresh...JUNE 23--A Kentucky woman who thought she won $100,000 in a radio station giveaway is suing for breach of contract after learning that her prize was actually a Nestle's 100 Grand candy bar.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Riverwalk is so nice we decided to stay 'til Thursday

Well, I guess someone forgot to tell Detroit the NBA Finals were over (and it was nice of Lindsey Hunter to climb out of the grave for a few 4th quarter possessions). Like much of the viewing public I assumed the Spurs had this thing locked up, and I could shift my focus to baseball for the rest of the summer. Apparently the Pistons had other ideas. I will say this about Larry Brown's boys - they have a tremendous amount of intestinal fortitude. The Spurs have a real problem on their hands in Game 7 (The last Finals Game 7? 1994...just days after a certain Hall of Fame running back got into a tad bit of trouble). Post-game highlight last night: Rasheed wore the championship belt over his shoulder at the press conference (after coming up huge late in the 4th). Last thought, what the hell was San Antonio doing planning a victory parade the day of a possible Game 7?

Speaking of baseball, the Yankees won 20-11 last night (after being down 10-2) by scoring 13 runs in the 8th. Kudos for the amazing comeback fellas, but maybe Randy Johnson shouldn't get knocked out of a start against the Devil Rays after giving up 7 runs in 3 IP.

This Bernie Ecclestone guy cracks me up. In case you missed it, he's the 74 year old head of Formula One racing who, one minute after complimenting Danica Patrick on her 4th place finish at the Indy 500, said that he has always felt women "should be all dressed in white like all the other of the domestic appliances." If that wasn't classic enough, he apparently called Patrick Saturday morning, and then repeated the exact same thing to her. Hey Bernie, I got a joke for you:
What do you do when the dishwasher breaks?
Slap the bitch.

There is no doubt in my mind that Jamie Foxx's new movie Stealth will bump Graveyard Shift from the #2 slot on GTB's list of Worst Movies Ever (I think we all know what #1 is).

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Welcome to Chocolate City

I hope you don't cherish your car:

Wanted: Stolen car. Make and model: Ford Crown Victoria. Owner: D.C. police department.
Reported stolen by: Police Chief Charles H. Ramsey.
So goes the saga of car theft in the District, where even the police chief's department-issued car can get swiped a block from his home.
"There is not a whole lot to add to it," Ramsey said. "The car was taken, and there was nothing of real value in it. Cars are getting stolen every day."

Perhaps when (if) he recovers his car, he will be lucky enough to start it with a screwdriver.

Monday, June 20, 2005

It's been said many times before...

but it needs to be said yet again...Robert Horry is AWESOME. The guy scores 21 of the Spurs last 35 points, including the dagger in OT. Now I could sit here and bash that knucklehead Rasheed Wallace for leaving the most clutch shooter in NBA Finals history wide open with the game on the line, but I'd rather celebrate Big Shot Rob. The guy is simply amazing. And forget the 5-6 from three point land, did you see the dunk??? Simply amazing. I thought Hubie Brown was gonna pass out after BSR hit the three.

I doubt many people saw these two catches, but David Wright of the Mets and Casey Blake of the Indians made two very impressive catches on foul tips Saturday night. Blake jumped up on the tarp, than over it, to catch a ball in Cleveland's game, and Wright went Superman-style into the stands, full extension, to catch a foul ball in New York's game. I think Wright's head even hit the railing in the seats while holding onto the ball.

I always enjoy Johnny Miller during NBC's golf telecasts, and here's just one more reason why...NBC's Johnny Miller made history Friday, becoming the first live event TV golf commentator to unequivocally criticize TV meal ticket Tiger Woods for rotten behavior. Woods' misconduct, while often seen and heard, is just as often ignored, excused or even applauded as evidence of his "intensity." Woods, in the second round of the U.S. Open, after missing a six-footer, angrily raked his putter along the line of the putt, cutting into the grain and raising the grass over several feet. He then made a weak attempt to correct the damage, raking his putter in reverse. It was the kind of move that would get a 14-year-old thrown off a pitch-and-putt track. "You should not do that, right there," said Miller. "That is not good for the rest of the field, especially just that little wipe to fix it. You should be down there, patting it better."

No need to mock Retief for his final round yesterday (or that Gore guy who invented the Internet), because my brother and I figured out I would shoot a 205 on Pinehurst #2. If I'm lucky.

Family Guy has not lost it at all. In fact, neither has SouthPark.

Corey Haim is now extremely fat.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Oh, I must give you my e-mail address...

...It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com. Happy Fucking Friday kids. What a week, but you don't want to hear me bitch about having to do work for the first time in forever, so let's just get to it...

- That flaming homosexual Tom Cruise is continuing the straight facade by proposing to Joey Potter. Come on Buddy, who are you kidding. I don't think even your most dedicated fans have thought you liked chicks since that ridiculous Mission Impossible cover of Vanity Fair.

- Michael Jackson was not guilty on all 10 counts. Woooooow. That accuser's mom must've been some sort of convincing eh? The highlight of this whole ordeal - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog might've one upped his Star Wars bit. Check this link out - my personal favorite, "On a scale of 1-10, what age is Michael Jackson's boyfriend?" (and yes, this was one of SG's links, but it's not like I haven't taken shit from that site before)

- Speaking of Triumph, I am a HUGE fan of that new Eminem song. I mean, come on, Triumph, Eminem, and Special Ed from Crank Yankers. How do you beat that?

- Phil Jackson is back less than a year later to coach the Lakers. Who cares? I sure as hell don't. And I really don't need to hear Bill Plaschke or J.A. Adande blabber on about it either. Go away assholes.

- Ralph Nader apparently likes to drop the n-word. That seems awfully weird.

- Can I cash in my Pacers jersey for a Lakers one?
Eric Pincus of HoopsWorld.com reports Jonathan Bender is indeed on his way to Los Angeles along with the 17th pick in the draft. In return, the Lakers will send Devean George, Slava Medvedenko and a second-round pick.
By the way, there might not be anything funnier than Stephen A. Smith saying "Slava Medvedenko".

- "That's right! Look at the big brain on Brad!"...RICHMOND, Va. (June 17, 2005) – People with bigger brains are smarter than their smaller-brained counterparts, according to a study conducted by a Virginia Commonwealth University researcher published in the journal “Intelligence.”

- It's good to see Pat O'Brien hasn't lost a step...
Recently rehabbed talking head Pat O'Brien was humiliated when recordings of him talking dirty surfaced on the Internet. But the ordeal hasn't dampened the "Insider" anchor's libido, it seems. At a recent Audemars Piguet party, O'Brien took a fancy to reality TV tartlet Brittny Gastineau, we're told. And when Gastineau left, O'Brien was right behind. "He ran down the street after Brittny to get her phone number," our spy reports. "And he did." Gastineau was most recently linked to Backstreet Boy Nick Carter.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Hey Carl, tell us what you really think...

CHICAGO - (KRT) - The world already knows Carl Everett believes dinosaurs never roamed the planet. After all, there's no mention of them in the Bible.
But the Chicago White Sox's designated hitter unleashes a swarm of new opinions in the July issue of Maxim magazine. The highlights:
Wrigley Field is the worst park in the majors: "They need to implode Wrigley."
Most baseball fans don't know diddly: "Fan is short for fanatic - he's crazy about something he really doesn't know about. And it's proven that 99 percent of baseball fans have no idea what they're watching."
Jose Canseco is a "bitter, ignorant individual."
The congressional hearings examining steroid use were a waste: "We have a war going on_I have family in that war - yet we're talking about steroids. . . . If everybody in the world got on steroids, we'll still lose more kids to a war than we will from steroids."
Everett has had gay teammates, whom he has accepted, but: "Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. . . . I don't believe in gay marriages. I don't believe in being gay."


I can always fit Crazy Carl into my day.

Friday, June 10, 2005

TGIF

I just couldn't resist. I at least hope they were kosher chips...

Synagogue sued over missing ashes
When relatives of Vivian Shulman Lieberman went to visit her final resting place in a Houston mausoleum one year ago today, they discovered that the cedar chest containing her ashes was missing.
In its place, behind the locked, glass door of Lieberman's niche in Congregation Beth Israel's mausoleum, was a can of sour-cream-and-onion potato chips.

********
I know you don't smoke weed, I know this; but I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday; you ain't got no job... and you ain't got shit to do...
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - An ice cream man felt the heat from law enforcement after he was arrested on charges of selling drugs along with his other frosty fare.
Authorities said Marshall Gene Beasley, 27, could be facing more chilling bars — those of prison — after he repeatedly sold undercover officers marijuana over the past two months while selling ice cream. He was arrested Wednesday.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Happy 6/9 Everyone.

God bless us everyone . . .

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Just a bunch of crap

Go figure, you start a new job, blog aimlessly for weeks, partake in the abundance of free food and drink (and sweet baseball tickets), then suddenly you're expected to do work, and actually produce stuff (stuff = marketing reports that you people don't care about). Did I sign up for this? Fortunately, I just met the summer intern this morning, and much like American hero Cosmo Kramer, I think I need to put this kid to work. Moving on...

Monday night, was flipping around prior to Pistons/Heat Game 7, and ran into a very underrated recent comedy, Not Another Teen Movie. Even edited on Comedy Central (and having watched parts of it multiple times prior) I got some laughs out of it. It's not like they didn't have material to work with.

Speaking of movies on Monday night, I flipped by The Ring...
You're expecting a comment on The Ring maybe? There, that was it.

Let's try to some up my beloved Yankees season so far (this is expert analysis mind you):
First 30 Games, 11-19 poop
Next 18 Games, 16-2 sweet
Last 10 Games, 1-9 POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP
These guys are absolutely killing me. The Brew Crew (and my boy Derrick Turnbow) are about to sweep them. The Royals swept them. The fucking Royals. They are 0-22 when scoring 3 runs or less. Ugh I gotta move on before I vomit in my mouth.

I've touched on the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing before, but seriously, have you seen him lately? He acts like he's on crack. Not pretending, but like Whitney Houston on crack. Just bizarre.

I was always a huge Marvel Comics fan as a kid, so I am very much looking forward to the Fantastic Four movie. There, I said it. Star Wars two weeks ago, now a comic book movie.

I think the WB definitely knows what they're doing. Premiering tonight: "Beauty and the Geek". I'll let them explain:
It all starts with seven women who are academically impaired. Next, add seven men who are brilliant but socially challenged. The concept is to pair up couples for a chance to win a $250,000 grand prize. Each mismatched pair competes in various activities designed to test intellect, fashion savvy and even dance moves. There's a spelling bee for the girls, massage lessons for the guys, and an introduction to actual rocket science when the girls compete to see who can build a working rocket. During these competitions, the geek must try to pass his brains onto the beauty, while the beauty tries to pull the game out of the geek. They're so far apart on the social spectrum that they're practically different species, but if they make it to the end, they could both walk away gifted and gorgeous.
Like those two Guinness brewers always say, BRILLIANT!

It's not even a contest, GTB's Bama of the Week Week Week...Sean Taylor. What a jackass.

Here's to you Mrs. Robinson...A moment of silence for actress Anne Bancroft, who died Monday of cancer at the age of 73 (I bet you didn't see that coming). Forget her role in The Graduate - did you realize she was Mel Brooks' wife? I had no clue.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Hey, what's that smell?

I know, I have nothing for days, you want more, and all I can give you is this...What can I say, it just fell in my lap...

An Australian woman was found to be carrying 51 live tropical fish after custom officials were alerted by "flipping" noises coming from beneath her skirt as she arrived at Melbourne airport. On closer inspection, officers discovered the woman had strapped on an apron of plastic water-filled bags containing the fish, the Australian Customs Service said. "During the search, customs officers became suspicious after hearing 'flipping' noises coming from the vicinity of her waist," said the statement. The 43-year-old woman arrived in Melbourne on a flight from Singapore last Friday. Customs are still trying to determine what type of fish she brought into the country and have not yet charged her with an offence.

I'm betting they were Red Snapper.

Friday, June 03, 2005

What a Humongous Asshole

I completely believe this is true. Honestly, has there ever been a more unlikeable sports superstar than Barry Bonds?

Former White Sox outfielder Ron Kittle writes in his current book that he once asked Barry Bonds to sign a jersey for him to help raise money for charity, only to have Bonds respond, "I don't sign for white people," according to the CHICAGO TRIBUNE
Then Kittle wrote: "I said, 'White guys aren't the only ones who get cancer,' but Bonds just turned his back on me and walked out."

Thursday, June 02, 2005

So you're saying there's a chance...

Well, with all the hoopla about Deep Throat (am I the only one who laughs everytime they say Deep Throat?) revealing his identity after 30+ years, my mind started racing, and it occurred to me that my generation's equivalent of this will be the press conference in 2030 when Orenthal James "O.J." Simpson reveals he did indeed brutally murder his wife and her boyfriend (he wasn't returning her glasses folks). Forget Woodward and Bernstein - the media will have to come to me for confirmation. Let the countdown begin.

Dennis would've been very happy last night - Bill Walton dropped a "nip it in the bud" during the first half of the Suns/Spurs.

Losing two in a row to the worst team in baseball is not the way to start a road trip Men of Torre. (sorry for ripping off Peter King - my Mary Beth King field hockey update will be later in the week)

This whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing is just weird. First of all, the guy's gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). Come on, don't give me that "Look who he's been married to/dated" crap. He's gay. Secondly, he belongs to a cult. Nice just any cult, but a cult that produces horribly made sci-fi movies. Katie Holmes is in big big trouble...
Tom Cruise continues to impose his Scientologist views on Katie Holmes. She was set to star in "Factory Girl," about doomed Andy Warhol protégé Edie Sedgwick. But Cruise told Holmes to nix it, insiders said. "Edie was in and out of mental institutions and on all sorts of psychotropic drugs," said our spy. "Tom doesn't believe in those drugs because of Scientology."

Work continues to treat me well...going to the Nats game tonight...free food is always good (otherwise you get to deal with these MENSA members).

Thank god, I was worried we would never get to see John Rambo again...After 17 years, Sly Stallone is coming back for a 4th Rambo. The best apart about it: "In addition to breaking the old red bandana out of mothballs, Stallone, 58, will write the screenplay. "

You really want to click this

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Asleep at the wheel

Not literally of course, 'cause that would be very bad. Just figuratively. Well, sort of. For the first time in 7 weeks, I am active, nay busy, at the new job. Combine that with the long hangover from Memorial Day weekend and I am utterly useless right now. Not that my 6 (maybe 9) readers will be pining for my nonsensical posts. I'll be sure to steal SG's and Tim Keown's and Jay Leno's bits soon enough.

Oh yeah, one last thing - that Dannon Frusion Smoothie guy is reaaaaaaaaaallly getting on my nerves.