With those two top of the masthead contributers on the shelf for the next few days it is falling to the second string G:TB'ers to pick up some of the slack. (A little help from Almighty Yojo would be appreciated if that guy could remember his password)
As none of you will remember, several years ago in this space we used the "Dwayne from What's Happening!" football pick strategy to predict the NFL playoffs. I'm not sure how those picks turned out (and I'm too lazy to go back and check) but I thought that we might revisit making gambling decisions based on a totally illogical strategy. Today's slate of top 25 match-ups in college football seems like the perfect place to start.
So, with out further ado, here is the first in a likely non-reoccouring feature called "Marls Picks College Football Games Based on Which Mascot Would Win In a Fight."
#7 Penn State vs. #14 Michigan State (PSU -10)
This is a battle between child molesting "Nittany Lions" vs. Spartans. First of all, fuck Penn State. No really, fuck them and their child molesting cover up bullshit. Thankfully, based on mascot analysis, MSU should kick the everliving crap out of PSU.
It's these guys:
versus a Pennsylvania lion.
Pick: Take the Spartans and the points.
#21 Stanford vs. #25 Washington State (Stanford -1.5)
This game pits some trees against a bunch of cougars. If they were playing cougars like the "cougars in the outfield" made famous by Shlara and KQ, this might be a different story. But, alas Washington State is adamant that their mascot is a feline of some sort. Unfortunately, all that type of cougar can do is pee on the tree.
Pick: Take the nerds and lay the points
#4 Clemson vs. #20 NC State (Clemson -8.5)
At first blush, this match-up might seem to favor the men from South Carolina. Surely a tiger would take down an overgrown dog, right? However, you have to remember that this is a wolf pack we are talking about here.
Here is a bunch of wolves taking down a bison:
Or attacking a guy with meat tied to his body:
Pick: Take the wolf pack getting the points
#5 Oklahoma vs. #11 Oklahoma State (OK St. -1.5)
The annual "Bedlam" game matches up people in a wagon:
against a plastic headed cowboy with a gun.
Seems like a no brainer to me. Folks who lived in sod houses against an honest to goodness cowboy. My only issues is the fact that the OK State cowboy is always depicted as walking bowlegged as if he is really saddle sore or has severe groin area chafing. That type of issue could cause a problem in the long run, but I'm betting on the cowboy having enough talc to get him through an win the day.
Pick: Take the cowboys and lay the wood
#19 LSU vs. #2 Alabama (Bama -21.5)
Ok, so this game features tigers fighting a red tide of some sort. I grew up on Long Island where the shellfish industry is constantly being threatened by "red tide", which is just a really big, gross algae bloom. It looks like this:
Would this bother a tiger at all? How would a tiger take on an algae bloom? I have no clue. Maybe this is a good signal that 21.5 point a shitload of points to lay in a rivalry game.
Pick: No bet
#13 Virginia Tech vs. #10 Miami (Miami -2.5)
This this game matches up turkeys against a storm of immense devastating power. Does not really seem like a fair fight, even when you take into account the fact that the Hokies were once called the Fighting Gobblers. Notwithstanding the fact that the Hokies might be a fighting foul/cock of some sort, I still think the 100+ mph winds of the hurricanes have the edge.
Pick: Take the 'Canes
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If my 8 y/o does not get knifed by a Latino from Newark on a soccer field, I will be back at my hotel in time for the tail end of the Sisterhood of Salaam Shalom event. That’s a real organization, apparently.
https://sosspeace.org
You don't think cat pee will kill a plant?
If you want to know what quitting looks like, tune on ESPN2.
It’s a tree, Z. A mighty redwood, not some ducking houseplant.
Big gambling weekend for me. I’ll lay them all out soon but the first bet I made was the Florida and FSU suck parlay.
Besides that, I have Indiana, Syracuse and Sparty in the early games.
Taking South Carolina, Wake, UVA and Southern Miss in the 3:30 time slot.
My daughter and I were listening to Lady Gaga before her soccer game this morning and she asked me what a “disco stick” was. I chose not to answer.
i was talking to my kids over lunch about the 4-d avatar ride at animal planet. i said, 'that's a lotta d'. my 13 year-old is still laughing like a...13 year-old.
The 3:30/4 pm window is great today. Would be a perfect day to have some afternoon beers with friends if my wife hadn’t left me for the weekend.
Forgot to mention I took Iowa +18 as well.
the daydrinking options at disney are better than i remembered
Back at the hotel. Boys and I watching a glut of fun games. There must be 5 decent games available on our hotel’s ordinary cable package. And I just started digging into a 6-pk of Abita Purple Haze.
Turrible pick from NC State.
Sparty!!
Just out just put a $1000 deposit down for my back tattoo. Pretty excited.
I thought Iowa would keep it close. Boy was so wrong. Not sure even the most optimistic Hawkeye fan saw that ass whipping coming.
Oklahoma State’s uniform combos are easily my favorite in CFB.
Good post, Marls. I could figure it out myself, but give us the results of your betting recs.
Only losers get tattoos on their back.
J/k. I’m far less inked than Mark, but debating #3. We only have this skin for a few decades. May as well have fun w/ it.
Go ahead and get #3. And then get more.
This tattoo is my 40th birthday present to myself. Whole back piece. I’m near to being out of room. I’ve been saving this for late in the game.
ARod is in a box for the Miami game. With JLo. And he’s wearing a turnover chain. I think this means The U is back.
My 10 y/o decided a couple years ago he loves the city of Miami and its sports teams. Tolerating his Dolphins’ affection has been easy b/c they’ve never been a threat. But his U of Miami love has been tougher to deal with, b/c I grew up hating those teams.
But the Hurricanes are proving to be a strong team. They’re overcoming Richt’s play calls on offense and making big plays on D. I’ve indulged my kid and watched a lot of their games. The turnover chain is the most baller/swagger/old school U thing they could have done. It’s the best and the worst of the U of Miami legacy in one chain. Brilliant move, IMO.
And this is looking like a statement game for Miami. They won’t get much love unless they beat the Irish next week, but they’re showing they belong.
Looks like the strategy will go 3-2. Maybe Z was right about the Cougar piss.
Can we get a webcam set up at the Hyatt Extended Stay?
Miami-Nadija is huge next weekend.
Miami is the first CFB team I ever rooted for. I loved their whole swagger. All the way back to Michael Irvin. Agree on the turnover chain.
Your kid is going to have a bunch of tattoos,
Richt was a backup QB during the Schnellenberger days. He gets it. He’s going to kill it in recruiting and there’s no place in America like the Palm Beach-Broward-Dade county triumvirate for fast football players.
Miami-ND. Jesus. Autocorrect strikes again.
Nadija!!!
Richt is making friends quickly. I hear Nevin Shapiro just signed him to an extension.
Is Luther Campbell at the game?
Chris Fowler just blew his Joe Jackson reference. You can't say "Joe Jackson stepped up." We all know Joe Jackson was known for stepping OUT. Shame on you, Fowler.
I didn’t anticipate TR being such a fan of my stepdaughter.
I’m sure Uncle Luke is there. Probably in ARod’s box. Miami can’t openly endorse him but he’s The Godfather of Miami youth football so he’s known half those kids since elementary school.
Larry David leads out with holocaust jokes. Would not have been my first choice.
Too many people around here root for ND. Gimme cons instead of Catholics, all day.
That monologue was atrocious.
Not the funniest monologue ever. If a joke isn't funny is it really a joke? Because Holocaust jokes typically aren't funny and likely aren't jokes.
Missed Larry’s monologue. I’m team Holocaust isn’t that funny. Quite a stand, I know.
Fuck Notre Dame. I reluctantly root for Miami because, Florida.
I second the “fuck Notre Dame” sentiment. I would put them in the Duke, Michigan, USC bucket. I have no real dislike of the schools themselves but the vast majority of their fans are total douchenozzles.
That hurts.
Plenty of sausage left on the breakfast buffet at the Hyatt! Turns out the Sisterhood of Salaam Shalom does not eat a lot of it.
Sorry Danimal. You'll always be my boo.
No swine for SoSS. Leviticus yo.
Danimal, you are an exception. As is Mrs. Marls and her Duke undergrad/Michigan grad. TJ, on the other hand....
I assume that is different from the Brotherhood of Rashaan Salaam, made up of Heisman Trophy running backs that got chewed up and spit out by the NFL meatgrinder.
Ron Dayne is the KOE of that organization.
Remember Swint's Rashaan Salaam jersey?
Piling on, like the Sisterhood of Salaami Sandwiches. I'm anti ND, Duke, Michigan, Penn State, and UVA. Bandwagon nozzles abound.
I couldn't stand Miami until I watched the 30 for 30. Hard to dislike them after that.
Plus I always liked Luke Skywalker, though I admit that I have considered deleting the 10 or 12 2LC songs from my music collection before my teenage daughters happen upon them.
I prefer Luke Skyywalker's beats to Luke Skywalker's Jedi stylings.
disney hollywood studios is going all-in on star wars - pretty cool if you're into that sort of thing.
the penn state cult is errrrywhere here
Sam Ponder’s outfit is nice. Rex was staring at her feet and drooling. I may have made up that second sentence.
Michael Irvin was styled by Ronald McDonald.
afternoon manhattans make me wish i were an adult in the 50s
also that i were an adult less close to his 50s
My soccer team finished our season today with an easy victory. I’m going to celebrate my new status as a pillar of my local community by getting drunk on my couch.
thoughts and fucking prayers, everybody
today is corey glover's birthday. i know this because living colour is playing at epcot tonight.
rand paul is sleeping with that dude's wife, right?
It’s a good bet. Not too many things will get your ass kicked by your neighbor.
What about just being Rand Paul?
that's a strong alternative theory
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