I've been pondering the election results in a stunned state of surprise and sadness. To avoid feeling worse I forced my brain to take a Gheorghian approach to processing this kerfuffle. Here are some observations.
* If, during a discussion about women, a man tells you that he likes to "grab them by the pussy," you are disqualified from hosting Access Hollywood.
* Asserting that you grab women by the pussy has no impact on your ability to be president.
* When Obama ran as a candidate of hope and change, republicans mocked him:
* When Trump ran as a candidate of change, republicans voted for him.
* Voters picked the candidate from the conservative party because they wanted change.
* Voters thought Clinton was more qualified than Trump--which I interpret to mean that Clinton was believed to be more likely to make good decisions and Trump is more likely to make bad ones--but they wanted change and Clinton was viewed as likely to maintain the status quo; thus, potentially bad change from an unqualified candidate is better than no change at all.
* Voters chose Trump because he would "get things done" despite the fact that many of the things he wants to do appear to be impractical, impossible, immoral, illegal, or combinations thereof.
* Voters wanted a candidate who would help the little guy, so they voted for the billionaire who inherited great wealth and has a history of bending the rules to make money and engaging in sharp business practices to screw over his employees and contractors.
* I'm emboldened to say whatever the hell I want at work--if anyone takes offense I can just say I'm being presidential.
* Beer-bellied white guys over age 45 like to say to me "It's been a great couple of days, huh!" while using the adjacent urinal--I guess there's something about having their dicks in their hands that makes them feel like they can open up to me on their political views.
* How am I supposed to respond to one of the foregoing guys when they ask me if I think the Clinton Foundation is the entity "buying up all these stocks" so that they can dump them and crash the market the day Trump takes office?
* Telephone polls aren't helpful if voters don't answer the phone, or if they don't even have a phone.
* Put another way, market research is useless.
* I don't know how many people on Obamacare voted for Trump or didn't vote at all, but if you're on Obamacare and you didn't come out to vote for Hillary then don't complain to me about anything.
* We should all invest in gold leaf--I foresee some serious decorative alterations to the White House.
* I'm not as bummed out as I was in 2004, I guess I've gotten used to disappointment.
* Speaking of 2004 ... once again, our president is a swaggering privileged wealthy white dunce who can't pronounce straightforward words, invents new words, favors tax cuts for the wealthy and limited government, and has a regressive view of reproductive rights. This worked out great last time around!
* The 2004 and 2016 electoral maps look a lot alike. The ghost of Karl Rove lingers!
* I wonder if hipsters will abandon the shaved-on-the-sides-and-long-on-top haircut from post-WWI and adopt the long-on-the-sides-swoopy-on-top-and-parted-from-the-armpit look from Trump.
* Why don't we still make SDB jokes around here and will we ever do so again now that Bill Clinton is out of the spotlight forever?
* An overlooked first from this election: Melania Trump is the first First Lady to be photographed prone on a fur coat wearing nothing except for high heels and a briefcase handcuffed to her wrist.
* The candidate who bemoaned that the election was rigged before the votes were cast won the presidency despite the fact that he got fewer votes than his opponent.
* If you want to have more of an impact on presidential elections, simply move to Florida or Ohio and vote.