Friday, July 24, 2015

Dave Tries (and epically fails) to be a Hipster Douchebag


Greetings from Sea Isle City, my favorite beach town on the East Coast. I should be writing this in an air-conditioned coffee shop, sipping on some kind of exotic coffee brewed from a rare Guatemalan bean, while I sit on a high stool at a comfy little table, accessing the free wifi . . . but, alas, I'm not. I'm writing it in the bedroom of our condo, and it's rather warm (the AC is broken) and I'm slugging down iced coffee.

This is the story of a dream deferred.

The day started wonderfully. My wife and Ian went on a kayaking excursion and my brother brought Alex to the arcade and then to the beach, so I was left with no kids and some free time. And I had done my requisite beach time earlier that morning: I went for a jog and watched the dredging machines, I took my cousin's paddleboard out on the ocean, and I swam some laps. So I was tired and ready for some screen time.

I decided I would pack up the laptop-- my trusty MacBook Pro-- and walk down the street to the hip little coffee shop, Red White & Brew. I would get a coffee, sit at a little table, edit some audio for my podcast, and do some blogging. I would be a total hipster douchebag. I had never sat down in a coffee shop with anything other than a book, and this was very appealing to me . . . to wear my headphones in public, snip some things, amplify some things, normalize the audio, upload it to Soundcloud and write a little post about it. All while drinking coffee in a cool little place, watching people in swimsuits making their way to the beach. Perhaps someone would ask me a question, and I would take off my headphones and say, "What was that? Sorry . . . I was just editing some audio for my podcast. On my MacBook Pro. You wouldn't believe how old it is, but it gets the job done. Never gets a virus." The person would think to themselves: what a hipster douchebag. And I would think to myself: mission accomplished.

But Red White & Brew provided none of this. They didn't have wifi, they didn't have comfortable little tables, and they didn't have AC . . . or I couldn't feel it. It's actually cooler in this breezy bedroom, though I'm not particularly comfortable, lying on the bed with my MacBook Pro perched on my lap. And my mom just asked me something about throwing wet bathing suits in the laundry. You can't be a hipster douchebag when your mom is asking you shit like that.

So that was my big chance to be a hipster douchebag, and I blew it, but my kids are going to 4H camp in a couple of weeks and there's a hip little coffee shop in Highland Park and I'm going to try again. I will keep you guys posted on my progress and maybe I can even take a "selfie." Meanwhile, my mom just walked into the room and plopped a bunch of my kid's bathing suits on the bed and sang "laundry service." Not very hip at all.

Episode 5 of The Test is called "Everyone Fails" because I fail, Cunningham fails, and even Stacey fails . . . and she made the test. So give it your best shot, listen up for a new character, and tell us how you did. Good luck . . . you're going to need it.


23 comments:

TR said...

Sweating and sweat avoidance seem to be big themes in your life.

Dave said...

the dudes finally fixed the AC! sweat avoidance in the near future!

Clarence said...

Rob texted me an alert: KEXP is airing 12 hours of Paul's Boutique:

http://blog.kexp.org/kexp-steps-inside-pauls-boutique-on-friday-july-24/

KEXP Steps Inside Paul’s Boutique
Friday, July 24th

6:00 AM to 6:00 PM PST

Exclusive interviews, rarely-heard source materials, and rare demos highlight day dedicated to Beastie Boys classic
Almost exactly 26 years after the release of the Beastie Boys’ Paul’s Boutique, KEXP will dedicate a full day of programming to the sampling classic, playing the seminal album and every identified song that it samples across 12 hours, resulting in an odyssey of diverse, unorthodox radio.

Beginning at 6:00 a.m. PDT, KEXP DJs John Richards, Cheryl Waters, and Kevin Cole will meticulously dissect the album, playing all 15 album tracks, more than 100 sampled selections, and rare bonus tracks and demos, plus new interviews with album co-producers The Dust Brothers (John King and Mike Simpson) and an exclusive archival chat with the Beastie Boys aired throughout the day. It’s not unusual for KEXP to play sample-sourced artists like the Beatles, Afrika Bambaataa, and the Ramones on any given day, but the unpredictable-yet-cohesive composition of Paul’s Boutique will result in truly one-of-a-kind programming blocks: expect to hear spoken word artist Lightnin’ Rod, the R&B horn band Tower of Power, Bernard Herrmann’s iconic score from Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho, and the Eagles in close proximity.

A commercial flop upon release in 1989, Paul’s Boutique is now widely considered one of the best albums of the 1980s. The influence of the album’s sample-heavy style can be heard in artists ranging from Wu-Tang Clan leader RZA to the pioneering electronic group The Avalanches. An album like Paul’s Boutique is highly unlikely be created again due to the extensive sampling fees and licensing clearances needed to secure a legal, wide release. Rolling Stone ranked Paul’s Boutique at #156 of The 500 Greatest Albums of All Time, while Pitchfork rated it #3 on its Top 100 Albums of the 1980s.

“I love that KEXP is taking the time to break down Paul’s Boutique,” says Dust Brother John King. “When we finished it we felt like it was an amazing work of art to listen to and it was made that way. It is wonderful to have, over the years, people continue to appreciate it. It gets me almost back to the place I was right when we finished it and I thought it was the greatest thing ever.”

Mark said...

TJ tweeted about this yesterday. Tell Rob to stop biting the Teej's style.

T.J. said...

I texted it to rob last night, and it was going to be this morning's filler post but Dave apparently had this Test pod post in the hopper

rob said...

full credit to the teej. i was just making sure clarence knew about it.

Mark said...

Well so much for an intra-blog beef.

rob said...

there's a pretty good beef brewing between clarence and jerry based on the former's snoring. shame jerry don't come around no more. of clarence he said, 'it's like sleeping next to a dragon'. which is about as good an analogy as i've heard.

Clarence said...

No beef between us. Sleeping next to a dragon was on his bucket list.

Dave said...

so i guess i missed the paul's boutique marathon . . . and prevented the g:tb word from finding out about it. sorry. it is and always has been my favorite album. i will ask the girls a question about it and they will certainly get it wrong.

Dave said...

and jerry should know that you NEVER sleep in the same room as clarence.

NO SLEEP WITH CLARENCE! NO! SLEEP! WITH CLARENCE!

Whitney said...

That was in the handbook they gave the girls at Clarence's college.

TR said...

Clarence's cousin also snores like a wild beast. Had the misfortune of sharing a room w/ him in AC. Bru-tal.

Danimal said...

Hi gheorghies

zman said...

Antonio Brown has a matte black Rolls Royce with a yellow stripe running from boot to bonnet and Steelers logos on the sideviews. Tuuuuuurible.

rob said...

in his defense(?), it's borrowed

zman said...

Charles Rolls and Henry Royce are spinning in their graves, borrowed or not.

rob said...

i like the interlude from god. new characters are excellent.

but this quiz wasn't that hard. i got 6 of 9 (clicks!). in fairness, i'm (seemingly) highly educated.

Shlara said...

guys....I'm binge-watching UnREAL
it's the scripted show about behind-the-scenes of a Bachelor style reality show
And it is SO GOOD
Who knew that Lifetime could make something this good?

Dave said...

6 of 9, not bad . . . that's a D+.

can anyone recommend some decent scotch that's not too peaty? i've got to drink less beer and i think that's where i'm headed.

Mark said...

The Tournament is really cool. It's great that ESPNU is broadcasting games this year. A game featuring former Syracuse players coached by Lawrence Moten is playing right now. Their opponents feature Michael Sweetney who has got to near 4 bills at this point.

TR said...

Dave - Johnny Walker Black is my favorite blend. A hint of caramel and a touch of smoke (but nothing too peaty).

If you like a sweeter finish that's a bit closer to a nice bourbon, try Glenmorangie. They age their scotch traditionally, but transfer some of their liquid to finish aging in sherry (Glenmorangie Lasanta) or port (Glenmorangie Quinta Ruban) casks. You can taste that finish. Very easy to enjoy that.

Clarence said...

Johnnie Walker spells with an ie, not a y. Like Johnnie Cochran. Doesn't look manly but plenty of decent testostery dudes I know like Johnnie Walker Black. TR included.

Or follow me into Jameson. It's delicious.