Thursday, May 15, 2014

Fat Guy's Football Follies

As the European leagues come to a close and we eagerly await the opening of the 2014 World Cup, we turn once again to our non-resident Footie correspondent. Here's Fat Guy in a Speedo's semi-recurring football feature:

Git yer purple drank on, World Kickball in less than a month!  In light of the inevitable Buildup to Boredom (barring 2-3 games) a quick rundown of what’s doing abroad might help fan the flames of footie fun.  
England
Shit’s wrapped up. Manchester City took the title along with a £50m fine for breaking the Financial Fair Play rules thanks to one sheik’s evil dream of spending a billion dollars to wrest a big, metal plate from the sadly, lumpenproletariat Manchester United.  “Ishy Biladi,” the UAE’s National Anthem could be heard being regaled in public houses throughout Manchester and the UAE (if they had them).
Conversely, Fulham were one of three shitshows that won’t be seeing the Premier League next season or even longer (Editor's Note: You don't say. Jerk.). After Mohammed Al-Fayed sold the team to Shahid Khan pre-season, English people responded by minding the queue. Khan tore down the Craven Cottage talisman known as the Michael Jackson statue and Fulham were relegated for the first time in 13 years. Khan respectfully requested the statue back and Al-Fayed respectfully told him to jag off.  British civility ensued.
Spain
It’s been an exciting year in La Liga, in that there is never an exciting year in La Liga.  Surprising contenders Atletico Madrid take on Barcelona this Saturday, high noon, in the title decider. Atletico only need a tie to secure their first title in a burro’s years.   Additionally, the Champions League final is May 24th and for the first time in the tourney’s history both teams will be from the same city, Madrid vs Madrid.  Madrid is favored to run away with this one. 
Germany
Shit was wrapped up in March.  Bayern Munich stunned nobody by rending the league asunder. The Hoff flew out to serenade the Munchens, mediocre beer flowed, and encyclopedia writing ensued. Luckily for the United States, the half of the Bayern squad that makes up the German National Front  Team has been rumored to become complacent.  Their premature, heady success has resulted in a tanning, laundry, gym torpor over the past two months. In the ensuing World Cup, the US could possibly snatchen ein point out of them in the rainforest humidity of Man anus Manaus.
Italy
No clue, Juventus won it I think. (Editor's Note: Indeed.)
France
Waiting for Le Tour.

21 comments:

zman said...

I believe the proper order is gym, laundry, tanning. Trust me, I'm smart ... I speak Italian!

Mark said...

GTL is the acronym...

zman said...

Never takin' shorts cuz GTL is the acronym.

Mark said...

Florida just landed a basketball transfer, 6'10" center John Egbunu. He started all 31 games at USF this year. By my count, Florida will gave 6 transfers (5 eligible) on its roster next season. Interesting (relatively) new recruiting strategy for Billy Donovan.

Mark said...

Also, I'm glad there's no other negative Florida related news today.

Mark said...

Oh sweet, Reche Caldwell was arrested with 5 lbs of Molly on him. Banner day for Florida Football.

Mark said...

As someone who's childhood included a lot of Willie McGee, this was a fun read: http://www.sbnation.com/2014/5/15/5717272/sb-nation-reviews-willie-mcgee

zman said...

If you ever send your lawyer an email with a red "high priority" exclamation point and an "Urgent Issue" subject line, do NOT tell him "you don't need to see that" when he calls and asks for specific documents required to solve your Urgent Issue. Unless you're just trying to piss him off.

Dave said...

soccer update from arkansas!

Ryan Lecky said...

Nothing kills this blog like a soccer post, i'm 4 for 4. I can't even blame the editor for GLT order since I'm from Jersey.

rob said...

my kid's chorus performed 'hey, soul sister' at their concert tonight. nothing like 6th-graders singing lyrics about blowjobs.

TR said...

It's gonna be awkward for the NBA when Sterling wins his appeal for the fine. It was such a rushed judgment to avoid having players boycott.

Best case for the NBA is that Sterling dies soon.

Shlara said...

I just want to give Bradley Beal a hug. He was so sad at the end of the game, it made me cry.

zman said...

Blowjobs are cool these days rob. You should try one.

Dave said...

at least they didn't do "my milkshake"

hey gheorghies!

Mark said...

You could see the pain & disappointment on Beal's face at the end of last night's game. I'm sure he'll be highly motivated this summer. Washington is lucky to have him. He's going to be a star.

Greg said...

I kinda figured this ish would happen with Sterling. He's the kind of guy who loves lawsuits.

zman said...

Who doesn't love lawsuits?

rob said...

i think greg meant track suits. he loves track suits. and young women.

Geoff said...

Would be pretty fascinating if Sterling wins and gets to keep the team, and then all the Clippers players boycott or leave the team, and he either forfeits every game or fields a team of exclusively white supremacists who lose by 100 points every night.

rob said...

hastily written and poorly researched new post up