[Working Title: Didn't Todd Fuller teach you guys anything?]The news crawled across my screen during SportsCenter last night: "Sacramento Kings C Spencer Hawes out for the season". Really, a big white stiff (BWS) drafted in the first round might not pan out (yes, I know it's early with Hawes, but hang with me)? What a shocker. Or not...when will NBA GMs learn...(I limited this list to first round big white stiffs, because I have neither the time nor the patience to mock ALL the useless honkies drafted in the last 12 years):
2007 Draft
Spencer Hawes (#10)- Congrats Spence, you're first in line for sucktitude. My favorite snippet from a story on Hawes: "Hawes, a 7-foot center, had microfracture surgery on the same knee when he was 14, though the new injury isn't related."
Is that so, Dr. Espn.com? Because it didn't take much effort me to discover that Hawes has a history of knee problems: at least four procedures, including at least two scopes on the left knee. Guess which knee is hurt this time? Yep, the left. This is not gonna work out well for the Kings.
Don't laugh Jason Smith (#20), you know you're next. Shaq probably doesn't even talk to you.
2006 Draft
Can we count the British stiff Joel Freeland (#30)? That guy can't even get minutes for CB Gran Canaria of the Spanish ACB league. What a cigarette.
2005 Draft
It's not even fun to make fun of Fran Vazquez (#11). I know some of the Magic fans who frequent this corner of the blogosphere might have some things to say about Fran the Wo-man, so I'll let them rip him in the comments. What's the word for "pansy" in Spanish?
2004 Draft
Robert Swift (#12), the '04 Hawes model. I think this nicely sums up Swift's "career" so far:
"In 2006 Swift was awarded the starting job at center but disaster struck when he ruptured the ACL in his right knee after playing just over one minute in a pre-season game vs the Sacramento Kings. The resulting injury occurred when he twisted his right knee when he fell and went out of bounds awkwardly in front of the Seattle bench."
Kris Humphries (#14)- Why the hell didn't you stay in school donkey? Oh right, you could barely read (may or may not be true). Gotcha...well at least you can't be offended by your inclusion on this list.
Wow, the 2004 Draft just keeps on giving - the Mavs also took Pavel Podkolzin (#21). He's currently touring Europe tickling midgets in trees.
2003 Draft
Chris Kaman (#6) wants to get worse, I know it. But, it's probably a reach, so somehow the '03 draft (1st round anyway) avoided big white stiff idiocy. Fun Kaman fact while we're here: He spent much of his childhood on a chicken farm and as a child he used to tear shingles off of neighbors' rooftops.
2002 Draft
Ah yes, the magical mix of big white stiff and "athletic" European big man that makes GMs erect...Nikoloz Tskitishvili (#5). B-U-S-T. I mean, this guy was dropped from an NBA roster to make room for Joel Przybilla. And trust me, Joel's making this list too.
Curtis Borchardt (#18), Stanford - Prototypical BWS. Middle name should be "Injury Prone". I can't decide who should model for the BWS Bust I'm putting up in my cube: Borchardt, Hawes or Fuller.
2001 Draft
Sweet Jesus...cue The Weather Girls...it's raining (big horrible white) men:
Kirk Haston (#16) - Just another failed Hoosier in the pros. "In two years he had many stints on the injury reserve list due to a lower back injury." Nice work Charlotte.
Michael Bradley (#17) - I forgot this guy even existed. 5 NBA teams in 5 years. Awful.
2000 Draft
And the beat goes on...and the beat goes on...
Chris Mihm (#7) - Big. White. Stiff.
Joel Pryzbilla (#9) - Has more nicknames than post moves: "The Thrilla", "Joelthrilla", "Joelzilla" and "The Vanilla Gorilla."
Um, Jason Collier (#15)...let's just move on...
Jake Tsakalidis (#25) - Swapped in February of this year for fellow BWS Scott Padgett. Seems like an even, but utterly useless, deal.
Mark Madsen (#29) - Fantastic 12th man and victory parade dancer.
1999 Draft
Fredric Weis (#15) - I'll let the photo do all the work:
Cal Bowdler (#17) - I hate to rip on a CAA guy, but yep, he sure fits the BWS profile.
Scott Padgett (#28) - Damn good college player. That's all I got.
1998 Draft
I'll let Stephen A. handle this one: "RA-SHO NES-TER-O-VIC WITH THE #17 PICK???"
1997 Draft
(#12) Austin Croshere - Mediocre talent who hangs around the league and makes $7 million bucks a year. Unbelievable. Should be a god to all BWSs on this list.
1996 Draft
Todd Fuller (#11) - That got exhausting there for awhile, but it was all worth it to finish at Fuller. Sorry pal, you might be a nice guy, but when an NBA GM has smoked so much crack he takes you in the lottery we need to use you as the poster child for BWSS (Big White Stiff Syndrome). I watched him play in college, did the Warriors not have a TV? What he lacked in athleticism he made up for in awkward shooting touch. Nice. And just for fun, the '96 whitewash also included Vitaly Potapenko at #12 and Travis Knight at #29.
So, in closing, please, fellas, for you own good, stop drafting big white stiffs...
Posts
50 comments:
"He's currently touring Europe tickling midgets in trees."
that got me.
You can thank Seth MacFarlane for that visual.
Pretty strong list, but you may need to find a sub-category for Croshere and Travis Knight. Both had a less-than-one-year spurt of above averageness that they parlayed into huuuuuge deals. After signing the deals, both imemediately returned to suckitude.
Was Koncak a first-round pick? For no good reason at all, I have a vivid memory of him leading SMU to a near upset of Ewing's Hoyas in an early 80's tourney game. I don't think either team broke 40.
I also have a Vivid Video, but that may be off-topic.
Jon Contract, 5th pick of the 1985 Draft...
Two things:
I think Jason Smith is actually in Philly. The Heat traded his rights for the rights to Daquean Cook.
You missed the best nickname for Joel "Ghostface" Pryzbilla
They might as well have traded his right for Dane Cook...both those guys blow.
And that extra Przybilla nickname got me.
Hey, Dorrell Wright needed somebody to hang out with at the end of the bench.
I love that Pryzbilla nickname too.
What about Dragan Tarlac, Chris Antsey, Luc Longley, and a host of other bizarre Chicago Bull centers of the mid 90s to early 2000s?
Will Perdue, Greg Kite, Uwe Blab, Serge Zwikker and Mark's boy, the one and only Blair Rasmussen...
I usually give the BWS's a break. Mostly because I know that if I were a 7-footer in the NBA, I'd be a BWS too.
And because you have a long standing crush on Greg Kite.
Greg, this ain't a knock on the BWSs, because lord knows I'd love to be a NBA 7 footer. This is a knock on the moronic GMs who continue to draft these guys...
i assume jim mcilvane was either drafted before 1996 or not in the first round. 'cause he's the prototypical bws.
Evidently Brad Miller saw your post coming TJ. So he broke out cornrows for last night's exhibition game. I think its time for Brad and Ron Ron to have a little talk...
Brad: Hey Ron, you watching that new show on NBC about the nerdy secret agent, Chuck?
Ron: Fuck no...I'm watching Top Gear on BBC America.
I'm still bitter that the Knicks passed on Ron Artest to take Frederic Weis.
Bitter doesn't being to describe my feelings about the Magic's selection FranCakes...Luckily the guys selected after him haven't exactly turned out to be All-Stars.
I'd still like him and Christian Drejer to die in a fiery auto crash though.
sing it, le anne schreiber:
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=schreiber_leanne&id=3050882
i think i'm developing a crush on her.
Did you and TJ coordinate your postings? He just did virtually the same thing at the Wheelhouse...
Rob, that is very freaky...
we're sharing the brain today. whitney needed to use the other one.
I'm guessing thats not the first time TJ has said that to Rob...hi-oh!!
He is the perfect height after all...
"i assume jim mcilvane was either drafted before 1996 or not in the first round. 'cause he's the prototypical bws."
You've blocked out the '95-'96 Bullets "You're the Man" video sing-along in Falls Church, VA? McIlvaine looked significantly BWSier than our main man Gheorghey Boy.
And if Eric Montross hasn't been mentioned, he shoulda been.
But Koncak is the herald here. There are Atlantans, I kid you not, that blame him for the Hawks' woes to this day.
Montross, 9th pick in 1994.
McIlvane wasn't a first rounder. But Eric Montross most certainly was.
You know who else went in the first round? Greg's boy Geert Hammink...I hate the Magic.
And "goathair" is right - I totally dropped the ball on Chris Anstey, the #18 pick in 1997 draft.
no, no, i'm very familiar with jimmy mac's fine work in that video. just have a hard time with chronology.
And Balneology.
very, very nice
and i believe 'maricon' is close enough to the word you were seeking
how did i miss the fact that missouri beat the ever-livin' snot out of nebraska?
This is for TJ...(and anybody else). The music starts at about the 0:35 mark. And substitute the word "Contact" for "Koncak".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxyXKCNKyqs
(sounds like a lot of work, but it's worth it.
Bobby Brown had a heart attack. This deserves some form of Gheorghe coverage.
Wait, I got one, I got one....Dennis' right leg after ACL reconstruction surgery.....
Two Things:
1) Without a doubt Collier is the biggest stiff on that list.
2) Where's Nick Collison?
I figured Collison averaging 9 PPG and 8 RPG last year made him a superstar compared to these chumps.
ESPN.com has posted a segment that questions the "ethics" of calling a late time-out to ice a kicker. Of course, when you think about it, play-action passes are by their very nature dishonest ruses intended to help a team win by duping the other players, rendering them embarrassed. This should be looked into as well.
And don't get me started on the Statue of Liberty play.
It may have stemmed from a Kornheiser comment late Monday night -- when the Bills tried to ice the Dallas kicker with a late time-out, he suggested it ought to be outlawed. Curious how that would work. No time-outs in kicking situations with less than 20 seconds? Oh, unless you've accidentally sent 10 men onto the field or are fearing they might fake it or want to change your kick-block scheme -- in that case, you'll have to sign a sworn statement (they'll have one of those electronic signature thingies with the plastic stylus pen doo-hickey on the sideline) that this was your intention, and not simply giving the poor kicker an extra 30 seconds to think about the consequences of his actions. That's wrong.
The debate should be whether icing the kicker actually works, not whether it's ethical. Is this overlash from the Patriots cheating thing?
And frankly, all this talk about "icing" is getting me hungry.
I must applaud the use of the word "honkie". I think life would be much better if more people spoke like JJ from Good Times.
At first I was against the whole "icing" the kicker thing. It just seems unsporting. But then I thought, "why not?". At that level, it should not matter.
Deep Thoughts by Greg Handey.
Too bad we couldn't go all the way back to Bryant "Big, Bigger, Biggest Country" Reeves.
And the combination of bad play and bad hair that rules the roost:
"SCHINTZIUS!!!"
Nobody talks about Dwayne Schintzius' hair like that and gets away with it. Andrew DeClerq will be paying you a visit soon...
I'd like to nominate Jason Collins for an honorary position on this list. The only place he's black is on his skin.
That got me. No Jarron though? I mean, he's even worse.
Maybe I missed it, but no Jeff Foster or Brian Scalabrine? And wher eam I supposed to neatly file Eduardo Najera? Bill Wennington? Frank Brickowski? Adam Keefe? Mark Madsen?The Vanilla Gorilla Matt Geiger?
See the original post -- Mark Madsen, 2000 Draft.
You had me at Koncack.
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