California dreaming on such a winter's day

I know I said I was done talking about Old School SportsCenter, but did you see Gayle Gardner last night? I mean, it looks like she ate Mama Cass AND Kirstie Alley. Wooooooooooooooow.

Follow Me...Follow Me to Freedom

OK, it's been two nights, and I've had enough of SportsCenter Old School. It was good to see Kilby again (for about 30 minutes), and the Charley Steiner highlights are indeed hilarious (though Bob Ley is about as fun to watch as a Sleepers marathon), but I'm all set Mark Shapiro. No more please. Oh what's that, we still have the killer Gayle Gardner/Greg Gumbel super-alliteration anchor team to come. Sweet, can't wait. I'd rather watch re-runs of Stump the Schwab. In fact, I think that is what I watched last night. Yikes.

Rick Fox is apparently going to divorce Vanessa Williams. He must've caught Eraser for the hundredth time on TNT last night.

Thank god the football season (college and pro) is starting soon, because if I have to hear one more argument about Edgar Martinez's Hall of Fame credentials I am gonna kill myself (no cheering from the peanut gallery please). Harold Reynolds (career batting average: .258) almost had a stroke last night on Baseball Tonight.

Speaking of Harold, it's Little League World Series time again - When does the statute of limitations run out on Danny Almonte jokes? Oh, it has...NASA jokes? Amy Fischer jokes? Damn it, I had some good Joey Buttafuocco stuff.

I'm really enjoying the Whit/SportsGuy feud (though it currently seems to be one-sided). I can't wait to pick a fight with Ric Bucher.

Oh this is classic - Steinbrenner is apparently pissed at Torre for playing Lofton (aka King CrackBaby) in rightfield last night. Luckily, George has Danny Tartabull, Jesse Barfield, and Kenneth Senior on speed dial.

All we are is dust in the wind...

So the week ends sadly with the news of music legend Rick James' death. Of natural causes. Think about that one for a second. Rick James and natural causes. You think the coroner had a good time with that one? Goodbye Mr. James, you will be sorely missed (especially by Dave Chappelle).

"She's a super freak, super freak, she's super freaky, yeow..."

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue

Ricky Williams "pot"shot? Quincy Carter joke? Lamar Odom's "other" drug? Nope - You remember Sanford Mr. Sketch Scented Markers? I was cleaning my office and stumbled upon one of these things. Instant flashback to 4th grade - the Red, aka Wild Cherry, markers were like crack to us, in fact my class had it's own Pookie - Justin Kross. This kid decides to sniff the hell out of one of these things, goes bonkers, kicks over my desk, and all hell breaks loose. Why do you care? You don't, but let me tell you, I was a very pissed off 4th grader when I discovered my Garbage Pail Kids were bent. You don't just find a Corroded Carl everyday. And yes, I am currently sniffing a Mr. Sketch Blue/Blueberry marker.

Point of parliamentary procedure...Other jobs Isiah Thomas seems perfectly qualified for: Captain of the Titanic, Judge at the OJ trial, NBA coach (oh wait). I wouldn't let Zeke valet park my car (haha, right, I know, I don't have a car - rub it in people).

On a completely unrelated note, apparently E! named it's "Ultimate Hollywood Blonde" last night, and Pamela Anderson was the winner by a synthetic boob. I only know this because my Better Half was quite upset Reese Witherspoon wasn't the selection. If I was an exec at E!, I would check my mail very carefully for the next few weeks. The BH doesn't like when her shows throw her for a loop (I hide in a bomb shelter during Bachelor rose ceremonies).

Anyone else getting a Serge/Axel Foley vibe from Jeff Garcia and Kellen Winslow Jr.? I'm picturing Garcia in the locker room offering Winslow an espresso with a lemon twist.

I'm not making this up - at 8:24 this morning, as I was throwing on my Batman Underoos, Comedy Central was showing L.A. Story. The damn signpost was talking to Steve Martin. I immediately took a shot of Draino.

Channeling Larry King (again)

"Hello Dallas, you're on"...Gee, I am absolutely shocked and dismayed that a Dallas Cowboy was cut for drug-related reasons. I don't even have a joke here. The real joke is Vinny Testaverde starting for Dallas at age 40. Trust me people, the last time Vinny started, in 1999, he blew his Achilles out faster than I left the theater during L.A. Story (yeah, talking billboards along an L.A. freeway are a great plot vehicle). Get ready for the Tony Romo "Cop" era in Big D (forgive me, I have Chris Berman on the brain, as he completely ruined a fantastic baseball game for me last night - I haven't settled down enough to discuss this).

"Bristol, what do you have"...So ESPN is going to do Classic SportsCenter starting this week. What kills me is I want to like this idea. I really do. Craig Kilborn was an absolute fav of mine, and chumps like John Anderson and Steve Berthiaume (yes, I actually looked up his name so I had the spelling right) should be sending significant portions of their paycheck to him for stealing his schtick. Kilborn was Vince Vaughn in Swingers - always own, always dominating the screen, always making you want more. These days, all Mike Hall makes me want to do is kick myself in the balls.

"From across the pond, Cologne, Germany"...This may seem like I'm jumping on the bandwagon, but I took some shots at Team USA before a certain espn.com columnist wrote a much better article expressing much of what the international basketball community knows - this team is awful. Beating Team Dirk yesterday on a ridiculous 30 footer by AI does nothing to change that. I haven't seen a team this ready to fold since the pre-Hansons Charleston Chiefs.

And finally, I'm sure the question on all readers' minds (yes, there are no readers I know, I write this and than my "reader" Tyler Durden tells me it was fantastic) is why so many parentheses (sp?)? Hell, I don't know, would you prefer dashes and semicolons? Or Bartolo Colons? (Ouch, that was awful, I know, sorry)

Practice? We talkin' about practice, man

Ah yes, the immortal wisdom of one Mr. Allen Iverson. I don't want to say he's a bad choice as co-captain of the US Olympic hoops team, but...

...the US men just lost by 17 to the Italians. Yeah, it was an exhibition, but I mean, fellas, it was the Italian hoop team. If we had lost in a "Sweaty men uncomfortably stare and grope women" contest, then I would understand. (Please send all hate mail to growingupgotti@aol.com)

This is what I write about

With such a profound and asinine statement, you might expect in-depth political analysis, stock tips (oh how little you know me), or at the very least some insight into baseball's trading deadline deals. Alas, I can offer nothing in that regard. All I've got is this: Hell has frozen over - Last night produced an absurd Pauly Shore double feature (thank you Showtime and WGN), Son in Law and Bio-Dome (the Bladwin's must be so proud). Look at Pauly's historic resume, and tell me he doesn't have multiple photos of Hollywood higher-ups. Whitney and Rob can give you good grammar, full sentences, and a coherent read - I can give you the real star of Encino Man. There's a reason why the New York Times isn't knocking at my door.

Highway to the Danger Zone

Kudos to Whitney for making my writing look even worse. On a positive note, Kenny Loggins is starting my weekend just right. Let's hope my PC speakers don't blow when they hit red line overload.

While I'm At It

Might as well squeeze another thought in as long as I'm here.

I was reading another bad Page 2 article, this time about the Kris Benson deal, and the writer asked if perhaps the Twins were dealing for the wrong Benson. The link went to his wife's site, a la T.J., but of course I was thinking it'd be Benson. You know, Benson DuBois, from Benson the TV show! No such luck, though Anna is nicer to look at.

What was it about Benson, a show that was on for seven seasons, that killed off any future careers for its participants? Oh, sure, Clayton got a gig as a Star Trek weirdo, but that doesn't really count. The governor was never seen again. The little girl vanished from TV, though at least she didn't go the eating disorder route like her Growing Pains sister. The German lady disappeared, though I guess you can see why. Even the guy Pete and his wife, who played Frenchy in Grease -- gone. (Although I think her role in Grease 2 precluded her from A-list appearances ever again.) And what of Benson himself? He's had nothing roles here and there, but you'd think after being BENSON he'd roll into roles. Ah, perhaps he was typecast as the typical black butler-turned-gubernatorial-staffer-turned-Lieutenant-Governor. Same old story.

Oh, there was one guy who walked away from Benson early on and made a little name for himself some time later. That Jerry Seinfeld guy. Did all right, so I hear.

And really, other than recalling its characters and a vague memory of wasting too much time as a youth watching this show, the only thing that comes back to me when I think of Benson isn't even from the show. It's a line from that Richard Lewis / Jamie Lee Curtis show in the late 80's. Jamie Lee has just exaggerated that something was a "miracle":

Richard Lewis: "A miracle? Really? A miracle? It was a miracle when Moses parted the Red Sea. It was a miracle when Jonah survived the whale. It was a miracle that Benson was on the air for seven seasons!"

And lo, it was a mighty miracle. Here endeth the lesson.

A Quick Guestie

Prompted by T.J.'s last post:
What do these films have in common?  I'll give it away: they're on Anna Benson's list of favorite films.  See if you detect the trend.

A Clockwork Orange
A stunning, striking, nihilistic vision of ultra-violence and the equally malevolent forces which attempt to curb it, starring Malcolm McDowell.  A masterpiece by Stanley Kubrick.

Scarface
An action-filled, brilliantly acted epic re-interpreting the dark 1930's Chicago mob scene into the seedy 1980's Miami cocaine underworld, featuring a vintage Al Pacino performance as the flawed but enthralling title character.  A brutal classic from Brian De Palma.

The Godfather
THE film about the Mafia, expertly written, directed, cast, and acted.  Regarded as one of the greatest films of all time, an inside look at mob life -- portrayed both as one of loyal, dignified, familial virtue, and corrupt, violent, stoic doom.  Francis Ford Coppola's timeless masterpiece.

The Goonies
Some kids run around trying to find buried treasure and save their town.  The fat kid Chunk is funny.  Rudy is in it, and one of the Coreys.  And John Matuszak is a deformed idiot.  And all that talk about "One-Eyed Willie" makes me laugh like Beavis & Butt-Head.

I liked Dazed and Confused too (alot)

Ricky Williams, what the hell are you thinking? I can only assume that sometime down the road the wacky tabaccky is going to lose some of it's entertainment value (or customs agents are going to make it less fun on your travels). Somehow I don't think Cheech Marin is too psyched these days to be wake and baking with Don Johnson in the IHOP parking lot.

Kris Benson is a pitcher for the Pirates. Kris Benson is about to be traded, perhaps to the NY Mets. Kris Benson is not important right now. His wife Anna is. She is hot, she has a website, and the hacks at Page 6 are getting Xmas early if this happens. Don't believe me - click here.

The Phillies are 3-22 against the Marlins in their last 25 matchups. I haven't seen a relationship that ugly since last season's Oz.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

Loverboy just happens to be our house band. My weekend starts now, four days of sand and suds, and if the brain still works when I get back, I'm sure there will be lots to talk about. For pure comedy, if you have not seen last night's Manny Ramirez dive to intercept a relay throw in center field, make sure you do. It will make your weekend. And it sure seemed to make John Kruk happy.

Hey, don't you like sports?

Not to completely rip off the guys I am already ripping off, but I too enjoy some good baseball, and last night offered up some comedic gems. Given my previous posts look like an awful Larry King column, I will instead subject you to a huge paragraph with no continuity (like much of my work product). Carlos Zambrano is highly entertaining, though at some point, I think his head might explode like that escapee in the beginning of The Running Man (Killian, here's your Subzero, now plain zero). I'll let the Mets fan chime in on this later, but what the hell are the Baltimore Orioles doing? My only guess is "Who is Karim" Garcia was brought in as extra muscle in case the relocation meetings are moved to the bullpen (OK, so they all can't be funny). Has it occurred to anyone else that Rich Aurilia could be Exhibit A in any steroid case? The Mariners could've gotten more production out of Christopher Reeve this season. And let me end with this thought - As a Yankee fan (you were bound to find out sooner or later), I think it is really nice that they have given Ahmad Abdul Rahim a second chance in CF (Yes, Hi, joke for one please. Maybe in the back corner, away from the kitchen. Thanks). Perhaps, however, he and 800 year old Hideki Matsui could try a little harder to catch flyballs against the Devil Rays. If not, at least throw the Agilar brothers out there and see what they can do.

Moons Over My Hammy

How to cure a hangover? Be lucky enough to tune into the greatest 90210 episode ever. No, not the "Squash It" episode, the even more epic "Donna Martin Graduates" episode. 4 advil and a distraught Tori Spelling will do it all the time.

So who OK's a project like Patrick Swayze's "She's Like The Wind"? I think it went like this - Hey, he's in the movie, he seems to be able to dance, why not let him churn out a Top 40 pop hit? Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise - Billy Ocean's greatest work was "When The Going Gets Tough".

Can the Sports Media Resist This Temptation? Part Deux

How soon until we see this headline, or some variant: "Win a Date with Todd Hamilton"?

Taking this blog for a spin

I have myriad thoughts running through my head, and as mentioned below, I'm not terribly creative, so it will be in a SG ramblings format.
 
Who knew Liz Phair was someone I would like to bed?
 
Why is Michael Ian Black on every ADD-inspired VH1 highlight show?  And should he and Joel Stein simply fight to the death?
 
Kobe and Shaq.  I'm gonna need another post for these two clowns.  Needless to say, Gheorge wouldn't be proud.
 
Yes is back on tour.  Terrific. 
 
If anyone out there ever stumbles across a medical report linking coffee to an early death, don't forward it to me.
 
Wheat Thins or Triscuits?

Keeping Up With The Jones'

Yeah, I didn't create this blog (good work Rob Russell), but damn it I'm gonna use it. If Mark Cuban can jump on the blog bandwagon (the blogagon?), then why the hell can't I. Three posts below actually belong to me. I'm simply spinning those sweep week cameos into the stealing of this blog. Some day the creator might look over here, but I don't sense that will be until late October. Until then, I'm squatting. I will aim to stay true to Rob's vision of Gheorghe-ness in the world, and I will make no excuses for blatantly stealing the styles of every other writer I read (mostly SG and the MLC crew). Shakespeare I ain't.

Worst Blogging Ever

This is 1899 Cleveland Spiders bad. Allen Iverson shows better dedication to his craft than us.

TeeJay!

Nice start to the new year, and a wakeup call to my slack, er, ass.

Kobe as Carlton from the Fresh Prince is inspired. Inspired, I tell you. And I was right with you all the way on the rest of it, right up until you went upside Joe Gibbs' head. Joe Gibbs is above reproach, above witty banter, above all questioning, doubting, or any pontificating by football outsiders like us. Joe Gibbs is the Football Messiah, sent from Charlotte to deliver his children from 12 years in the wilderness, chasing false idols like the Fun 'n Gun, or Heath Shuler. And Joe Gibbs is pumped at the prospect of strapping on the pads and gettin' after it. He was positively giddy in his intro presser, and he laughed like a dainty little girl - which filled me with a glee borne of visions of Riggo 2004 sucking the will out of the Cowboy, Eagle, and Giant defensive fronts in the 4th quarters of games not yet even imagined. I have not been anywhere close to this happy as a Redskins fan since 1992.

And it's got to be Licensed to Ill.

Welcome to an Action-Packed 2004

(Channeling Kornheiser, Wilbon, Woody Paige, Mariotti, Bob Ryan)

1. Nebraska needed a coach to sign even more than Christina Aguilera needs an AIDS check. I think Jeffrey Dahmer, if interviewed this week, would've been hired. That being said, perhaps Callahan has a little pros-to-college Pete Carroll in him, but Bill, don't go 9-3 too much or you'll be on your ass with some mad cows in the fields

2. LeBron needs to stop being compared to Michael Jordan. James is Magic Johnson, and he will be better than Magic Johnson. For god sakes, the kid is 19 years old and he's already exceeded ridiculous expectations. Plus, I don't think LeBron would ever gamble enough to get his dad whacked.

3. Last year, it was Jon Gruden. This year, it's Tony Dungy. I won't get all John Clayton on you, because my body weight is not really 95% NFL stats like Clayton, but I am feeling Indy. And boy will it be fun to make fun of Philly fans and Andy "Cheesesteak" Reid for 2 weeks leading up to the Super Bowl.

4. Kobe had sex with a crazy girl. Guess what, who hasn't. Unfortunately, unlike drunken frat guys too stoned to know how crazy the sorority chick grinding them to the tune of RumpShaker is, Kobe or Kobe's people should do a MUCH better screening job. And it is this that might get him busted. I do think it's funny now that Kobe has done a 180 and gets tats and tries to be hard, when he is really just a much better basketball playing version of Carlton from Fresh Prince.

5. I do not want to hear about Stephon Marbury, Pete Rose, or Joe Gibbs for very long time. In fact, I don't give a shit what inbred LA boy Britney Spears banged on Ecstasy and then married. Christ, why can't I just get a high profile athlete to commit a murder or be accused or domestic violence like the good ole days.

6. Better old school album - Beastie Boys "Licensed to Ill" or Tribe Called Quest's "The Low End Theory"