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Showing posts with label happy holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happy holidays. Show all posts
Thursday, December 25, 2025
Friday, November 28, 2014
Clarence Explains It All
Clarence is not a role model. He’s not even human. He’s a cartoon. Some of the things he does could cause a person to get hurt, expelled, arrested, possibly deported. To put it another way: Don't try this at home.
"When Black Friday comes, I'm gonna stake my claim. I'm gonna change my name."
--Donald Fagen and Walter Becker
"EAT BAT PRICK"
-- Donald Fagen
Some folks wait all year to get incredible bargains today. For others, the thought of venturing anywhere close to stores today induces nausea. Clarence, as you probably recall, loves to spend Black Friday waxing philosophical about stuff. This is in stark contrast to Rob's recent advice to do more listening and less talking. So be it.
Enjoy another edition of Clarence Explains It All.
Clarence Explains RGIII
For about a year now, I have held strong to one opinion on Robert Griffin the Third. This man excels at one version of football offense, the read option. Cue the 2012 overachievement footage. Several disastrous plays that year led to two things: RGIII getting injured and Mike Shanahan getting vilified. Cue the 2013 backlash footage. Save Robert by making him a pocket passer. Except this isn't Rocky III and southpaws don't become proficient righties. My awesome hedge trimmer makes a crappy lawn mower. Or something like that. And this line can't hold blocks for more than 1.69 seconds.
Now that Washington is bottoming out yet again, Gruden's looming performance review is shaky at best, and Griffin either looks to be holding a clipboard or dumped for a song, please listen to what Clarence has been saying for a year. Go back to the no holds barred read option melee. Wouldn't each of the stakeholders involved throw most degrees of caution to the wind at this point and like to see what happens?
Because here's what will happen otherwise:
Clarence Explains Scott Stapp
Creed lead singer Scott Stapp is apparently broke and homeless and deranged. Among other things, he texted his estranged wife: ""Florida is not safe. Biological weapons on the way. U have to leave with kids and meet me in Atlanta." Clarence tells you that he is spreading this anti-Florida message that to get back at Otto Wolfcastle for making fun of him and his shit music.
Clarence Explains Ferguson
The more you learn about this story, doesn't it seem like this is one of those cases -- as most are -- where the truth is somewhere in between? Like Michael Brown and Darren Wilson were both wrong to some degree, and it cost one his life and the other his career (most likely), and it was an unfortunate incident through which we should advance relations via education and a cautionary tale but through which we will actually regress because people take out their misdirected aggressions, far worsening relations? This wasn't Rodney King. And people should remember: in the Rodney King mess, 11,000 people were arrested, dozens were killed, and Rodney was drunk and did elude police -- and some years later he drowned in a pool jacked up on most every drug. The truth of these stories is always way more complex than you can put on a posterboard. This media-stoked fire just temporarily covers up the grief of an unfortunate incident with a whole lot of anger and hatred... which fuel further incidents. Two wrongs don't make a right, people, but three rights do make a left. Think about it.
Clarence Explains Gheorghe
I've had a weak year of G:TB output, and I'm not alone. The blog has been held together by a few, most notably Rob. Let's get Gheorghemas going and make up for that in a big way. The holidays aren't what they once were for Clarence, so a fun distraction is needed.
Well, that's about it. Have fun this holiday weekend. Now back to your regularly scheduled dipshittery.
"When Black Friday comes, I'm gonna stake my claim. I'm gonna change my name."
--Donald Fagen and Walter Becker
-- Donald Fagen
Some folks wait all year to get incredible bargains today. For others, the thought of venturing anywhere close to stores today induces nausea. Clarence, as you probably recall, loves to spend Black Friday waxing philosophical about stuff. This is in stark contrast to Rob's recent advice to do more listening and less talking. So be it.
Enjoy another edition of Clarence Explains It All.
Clarence Explains RGIII
For about a year now, I have held strong to one opinion on Robert Griffin the Third. This man excels at one version of football offense, the read option. Cue the 2012 overachievement footage. Several disastrous plays that year led to two things: RGIII getting injured and Mike Shanahan getting vilified. Cue the 2013 backlash footage. Save Robert by making him a pocket passer. Except this isn't Rocky III and southpaws don't become proficient righties. My awesome hedge trimmer makes a crappy lawn mower. Or something like that. And this line can't hold blocks for more than 1.69 seconds.
Now that Washington is bottoming out yet again, Gruden's looming performance review is shaky at best, and Griffin either looks to be holding a clipboard or dumped for a song, please listen to what Clarence has been saying for a year. Go back to the no holds barred read option melee. Wouldn't each of the stakeholders involved throw most degrees of caution to the wind at this point and like to see what happens?
Because here's what will happen otherwise:
- Colt McCoy gets bludgeoned, same as any QB behind that line
- RGIII is waived or traded for a 5th round pick
- Whoever takes him runs the read option and he wins Comeback Player of the Year
I know Gruden doesn't run that kind of offense, or at least he hasn't in the past. But ask Zman how much fun it is to see Marshawn Lynch dominate these days. (Hell, the Bills should be first in line for RGIII.) It will pain us to see this kid excel elsewhere.
Clarence Explains UVa
Sorry for the left turn, but let's not be afraid to tackle terrifying subjects, people. And I only have one minor point here. As a semi-staunch lefty, I see some of my R-voting friends often grimace at the let's-just-see-how-stupid-the-American-public-is, right-wing rhetoric that emanates from certain media sources. Like the Washington Times linking every natural disaster of the 1990's to the Clinton Administration. Or more recently, this. (The Bobby Jindal clip is mind-numbing.) It's a means to a GOP end, so I understand it, but it's a bit much, and my level-headed comrades often shake their heads.
Similarly, Rolling Stone magazine often makes me do the same thing on the other side. The publication's journalistic indictments of Republican leaders and their ilk often stray two or three steps beyond what I would call a practical assessment of the situation. I'll admit some negative bias owing to this magazine's acute divergence from the being THE authority on great music into a $10/copy ragsheet featuring slanted political commentary and oh, by the way, here's a puff piece on an overreported musical act 15 years past their heyday. But even objectively speaking, Rolling Stone makes me grimace with some of their takes.
The UVa story? As I read it, I couldn't help my preconceived opinion seeping in. That the reporting might have been embellished and too fine a point placed on trashing one university for a pervasive campus problem. But, and it's a Kardashian-sized but, even if that were true, and I hope it isn't, it's a means to an end. If the shredding of the University of Virginia's pristine image had to happen to shed enough light on a fucking horrible, seemingly repeated ad nauseum (literally) phenomenon of atrocity at that school, then I am all for it. And Rolling Stone may have been the perfect vehicle to do so. I just hope that we don't see any lawsuits pop up that poke holes in the story enough to diminish the momentum emanating from this edition. It's weird to say. As much as I wish the UVA story were fiction, I truly hope that the magazine didn't inject its common brand of liberal bias, as it's called, fictionalizing any of it in any way in order to take the account over the top.
Clarence Explains Men
Reading the RS story makes most any man feel ashamed for his gender. Knowing that the perpetrators couldn't claim to be a gang of people whom life had stepped upon, whom education and understanding had missed, is even worse. Males have been sexually assaulting females since we did so in caves. Otherwise reputable men are undone by libido every day. Whether God or science is responsible for the makeup of man, the male of the species is flawed. In order to keep humans on the planet, we are physiologically wired to want women. The desire has populated the planet since our inception, but it also can be dreadful. It compels men at each stop on the intellectual continuum; from cognitively challenged to genius-level men, it's the great equalizer -- the testosterone gets us all, and we want sex, and sometimes, we want it right now. Most of us keep that desire in check, but at the very least it has made us look stupid and unsavory more than once. Clarence is no exception. The fact that we aren't the type of people who would even consider gang rape an option in our drunkest, most vicious frames of mind doesn't mean we aren't part of this flawed gender. Casual flirtations, torrid affairs, even obsessions to porn or prostitutes -- they hurt women, too. Hell, the fact that men simultaneously denigrate hookers and keep the oldest profession alive and well points to a problem bigger than us. The biology sucks, and I don't have an answer. I'll probably get drunk tonight, want some sex, and act like an idiot to get it. But we draw the line somewhere, as foolhardy as that may seem. I confess to sympathizing when men, particularly ones who have a track record of good deeds and helping folks, negatively and irreversibly alter their lives with sex, be it a backseat blowjob or a years-long affair. But I couldn't possibly conjure anything but nasty bile for men who take pleasure in harming women, and I guess that's how Clarence sleeps at night.
Similarly, Rolling Stone magazine often makes me do the same thing on the other side. The publication's journalistic indictments of Republican leaders and their ilk often stray two or three steps beyond what I would call a practical assessment of the situation. I'll admit some negative bias owing to this magazine's acute divergence from the being THE authority on great music into a $10/copy ragsheet featuring slanted political commentary and oh, by the way, here's a puff piece on an overreported musical act 15 years past their heyday. But even objectively speaking, Rolling Stone makes me grimace with some of their takes.
The UVa story? As I read it, I couldn't help my preconceived opinion seeping in. That the reporting might have been embellished and too fine a point placed on trashing one university for a pervasive campus problem. But, and it's a Kardashian-sized but, even if that were true, and I hope it isn't, it's a means to an end. If the shredding of the University of Virginia's pristine image had to happen to shed enough light on a fucking horrible, seemingly repeated ad nauseum (literally) phenomenon of atrocity at that school, then I am all for it. And Rolling Stone may have been the perfect vehicle to do so. I just hope that we don't see any lawsuits pop up that poke holes in the story enough to diminish the momentum emanating from this edition. It's weird to say. As much as I wish the UVA story were fiction, I truly hope that the magazine didn't inject its common brand of liberal bias, as it's called, fictionalizing any of it in any way in order to take the account over the top.
Clarence Explains Men
Reading the RS story makes most any man feel ashamed for his gender. Knowing that the perpetrators couldn't claim to be a gang of people whom life had stepped upon, whom education and understanding had missed, is even worse. Males have been sexually assaulting females since we did so in caves. Otherwise reputable men are undone by libido every day. Whether God or science is responsible for the makeup of man, the male of the species is flawed. In order to keep humans on the planet, we are physiologically wired to want women. The desire has populated the planet since our inception, but it also can be dreadful. It compels men at each stop on the intellectual continuum; from cognitively challenged to genius-level men, it's the great equalizer -- the testosterone gets us all, and we want sex, and sometimes, we want it right now. Most of us keep that desire in check, but at the very least it has made us look stupid and unsavory more than once. Clarence is no exception. The fact that we aren't the type of people who would even consider gang rape an option in our drunkest, most vicious frames of mind doesn't mean we aren't part of this flawed gender. Casual flirtations, torrid affairs, even obsessions to porn or prostitutes -- they hurt women, too. Hell, the fact that men simultaneously denigrate hookers and keep the oldest profession alive and well points to a problem bigger than us. The biology sucks, and I don't have an answer. I'll probably get drunk tonight, want some sex, and act like an idiot to get it. But we draw the line somewhere, as foolhardy as that may seem. I confess to sympathizing when men, particularly ones who have a track record of good deeds and helping folks, negatively and irreversibly alter their lives with sex, be it a backseat blowjob or a years-long affair. But I couldn't possibly conjure anything but nasty bile for men who take pleasure in harming women, and I guess that's how Clarence sleeps at night.
Clarence Explains Bill Cosby
Holy fuck. This one hurts. It falls into the latter category of the last section; if the Cos had merely fallen prey to the typical male's sex addiction* and gotten his rocks off consensually with women not his betrothed for 40 years, I'm shrugging. Drugging and raping is not in the same galaxy, Dr. Cosby, and I'm wincing. Not for him -- fuck him, and may justice be served. For me, and for the headache we all get when we wonder whether we are allowed to ever enjoy Dumb Donald or Theo Huxtable or Jell-o pudding pops or some hilarious records or my college graduation commencement speech. Do I have to boycott all of those things? Can I just enjoy them objectively while discounting the human associated with them? It's disappointing, any way you answer that.
*Okay, that's two things in a row I can't explain. But I will explain this. It's my belief that any man claiming sex addiction is full of shit. In our circle of friends, an affair was recently exposed. The woman has been completely trashed as a home-wrecking whore, the guy claimed sex addiction, got some counseling, and was relatively unscathed. Generally speaking, the female gets the shaft in the court of public opinion on these matters, but this is total bullshit. Nearly every non-eunuch man has a sex addiction. See the last section. It's how we keep the species alive. We want it all the damn time. Like right now. Seriously, right now I want to make sweet, sweet love to a woman. Call me, ladies. So, dudes like Tom Sizemore, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, Eliot Spitzer, and many more: stop copping out and being a pussy, and just own it. You are a stupid, stupid man who wants sex constantly like the rest of us. You don't duck the thunder on that crap pseudo-diagnosis.
*Okay, that's two things in a row I can't explain. But I will explain this. It's my belief that any man claiming sex addiction is full of shit. In our circle of friends, an affair was recently exposed. The woman has been completely trashed as a home-wrecking whore, the guy claimed sex addiction, got some counseling, and was relatively unscathed. Generally speaking, the female gets the shaft in the court of public opinion on these matters, but this is total bullshit. Nearly every non-eunuch man has a sex addiction. See the last section. It's how we keep the species alive. We want it all the damn time. Like right now. Seriously, right now I want to make sweet, sweet love to a woman. Call me, ladies. So, dudes like Tom Sizemore, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, Eliot Spitzer, and many more: stop copping out and being a pussy, and just own it. You are a stupid, stupid man who wants sex constantly like the rest of us. You don't duck the thunder on that crap pseudo-diagnosis.
Clarence Explains Scott Stapp
Creed lead singer Scott Stapp is apparently broke and homeless and deranged. Among other things, he texted his estranged wife: ""Florida is not safe. Biological weapons on the way. U have to leave with kids and meet me in Atlanta." Clarence tells you that he is spreading this anti-Florida message that to get back at Otto Wolfcastle for making fun of him and his shit music.
Clarence Explains Ferguson
The more you learn about this story, doesn't it seem like this is one of those cases -- as most are -- where the truth is somewhere in between? Like Michael Brown and Darren Wilson were both wrong to some degree, and it cost one his life and the other his career (most likely), and it was an unfortunate incident through which we should advance relations via education and a cautionary tale but through which we will actually regress because people take out their misdirected aggressions, far worsening relations? This wasn't Rodney King. And people should remember: in the Rodney King mess, 11,000 people were arrested, dozens were killed, and Rodney was drunk and did elude police -- and some years later he drowned in a pool jacked up on most every drug. The truth of these stories is always way more complex than you can put on a posterboard. This media-stoked fire just temporarily covers up the grief of an unfortunate incident with a whole lot of anger and hatred... which fuel further incidents. Two wrongs don't make a right, people, but three rights do make a left. Think about it.Clarence Explains Gheorghe
I've had a weak year of G:TB output, and I'm not alone. The blog has been held together by a few, most notably Rob. Let's get Gheorghemas going and make up for that in a big way. The holidays aren't what they once were for Clarence, so a fun distraction is needed.
Well, that's about it. Have fun this holiday weekend. Now back to your regularly scheduled dipshittery.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Holiday Road
In the spirit of filling up this holiday season with good cheer, here's a brief ode to the joys of seasonal travel, inspired by the Doofus Overlord's travel tweeting:
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