Vagina Dialogues

I really didn't think we'd be addressing this issue again, and certainly not so soon. Thank God, though, for the good men of Michigan (and, no, I didn't leave a gender out - the twig and berry set are mostly to blame today) who've gone above and beyond to protect our fragile flowers.

State Senator Lisa Brown (D-West Bloomfield) was barred from speaking on the floor of the Senate for a day after using the word 'vagina' in open debate. The word confuses and scares men of a certain type, especially when uttered by a woman, and most particularly when used as weapons in a political argument. I applaud my brothers in Lansing for their courageous stand, snatching (as it were) decency and decorum back from the brink.

Slate's Dahlia Lithwick offered a helpful legislative solution to assuage the Michiganders' delicate sensibilities, sketching out a new resolution requiring women to wait 72 hours after consulting a physician before saying 'vagina'. Lithwick (who has a vagina, after all, and as such is probably very conniving and dangerous), goes on to suggest the following provisions:

Also, provision d(9)(a) of the bill would amend the current law to ensure that if any listener who hears the word vagina spoken aloud—although it may be the medically correct term for a woman’s reproductive organs—feels any religious objections to such speech, that speech may be curtailed in the interest of preserving the listener’s religious freedom as detailed in the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. Any other marginally relevant provisions of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution are herein rescinded as needed.

Finally, Michigan state health statutes shall be amended by provision 12(b)(6) which provides that prior to speaking the word vagina out loud, any female resident of Michigan shall undergo a mandatory trans-vaginal ultrasound procedure, during which she must watch such ultrasound while listening to a government-scripted speech about the grave dangers of speaking anatomically correct words, aloud, in an enlightened democracy.

And so we thank you, Senate Majority Floor Leader Jim Stamas. Your stand for decency and moral rectitude will be remembered and emulated. By a whole new generation of pre-pubescent boys who think girls have cooties and anatomic terms are icky. Fight the good fight, sir, lest we be forced at vagina-point to say the word out loud ourselves.

We Love Women: A Very Special G:TB Post

We generally eschew serious political commentary in favor of goofy inside jokes and quixotic windmill-jousting (is there really any other kind?). Sure, we'll occasionally make fun of a politician here and there, or mock South Carolina, but politics isn't typically our bag.

We make an exception, though, when the old white men who still run way too many things try to wrench us back into the '50s. We're still more aggrieved when they mess with our womenfolk. (Apologies to our womenfolk for the use of the word womenfolk. We get protective sometimes. Not that you can't protect yourselves. Okay. I'll shut up now.)

The Republican Presidential primaries have been a special kind of circus, replete with personal attacks, charges of flip-floppery, flim-flammery, liberalism, and Newtism, and six different kinds of crazy. I've mostly looked on with bemusement tempered with a tiny bit of terror about the idea that one of that collection of whackadoodles, narcissists, and weathervanes might yet have a puncher's chance of becoming the most powerful person in the free world.

But when the conservatives came for the vaginas, they overstepped in egregious fashion. From the kerfuffle over HPV vaccination to a full blown hue and cry over contraception coverage in employer-sponsored healthcare plans (featuring a national conservative icon calling a law student a 'slut' on the public airwaves) to requiring women to undergo humiliating procedures before the paternal state deems them fit to exercise their reproductive rights (and I don't want to get into a debate over abortion - regardless of your personal beliefs, a woman's right to choose is settled law), the religiously-dominated conservative movement has been virulently and increasingly anti-female in recent years. (As an aside, Transvaginal Ultrasound will almost certainly be the name of an indie band soon, if it isn't already. Look for them at SXSW in 2013.)

In the face of political absurdity, we see no option but to fight back in kind. Thanks to the gloriously named website, Government Free VJJ, we have a plan of attack:

1. Knit or crochet a vagina or uterus
2. Print a message to enclose
3. Mail it to your male Senator or Congressional Representative [links provided]
4. We’re in the process of arranging hand delivery to congressional offices in Washington, until then, go ahead and mail yours in!
5. Record your items in this spreadsheet so we can track which representatives still need to receive a "gift"!
6. Don't forget to thank your representative if he respects women and supports our rights.

This going to be much bigger than the Circus Peanut Diorama Contest. Naughtier, too.