Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Vagina Dialogues

I really didn't think we'd be addressing this issue again, and certainly not so soon. Thank God, though, for the good men of Michigan (and, no, I didn't leave a gender out - the twig and berry set are mostly to blame today) who've gone above and beyond to protect our fragile flowers.

State Senator Lisa Brown (D-West Bloomfield) was barred from speaking on the floor of the Senate for a day after using the word 'vagina' in open debate. The word confuses and scares men of a certain type, especially when uttered by a woman, and most particularly when used as weapons in a political argument. I applaud my brothers in Lansing for their courageous stand, snatching (as it were) decency and decorum back from the brink.

Slate's Dahlia Lithwick offered a helpful legislative solution to assuage the Michiganders' delicate sensibilities, sketching out a new resolution requiring women to wait 72 hours after consulting a physician before saying 'vagina'. Lithwick (who has a vagina, after all, and as such is probably very conniving and dangerous), goes on to suggest the following provisions:

Also, provision d(9)(a) of the bill would amend the current law to ensure that if any listener who hears the word vagina spoken aloud—although it may be the medically correct term for a woman’s reproductive organs—feels any religious objections to such speech, that speech may be curtailed in the interest of preserving the listener’s religious freedom as detailed in the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. Any other marginally relevant provisions of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution are herein rescinded as needed.
Finally, Michigan state health statutes shall be amended by provision 12(b)(6) which provides that prior to speaking the word vagina out loud, any female resident of Michigan shall undergo a mandatory trans-vaginal ultrasound procedure, during which she must watch such ultrasound while listening to a government-scripted speech about the grave dangers of speaking anatomically correct words, aloud, in an enlightened democracy.

And so we thank you, Senate Majority Floor Leader Jim Stamas. Your stand for decency and moral rectitude will be remembered and emulated. By a whole new generation of pre-pubescent boys who think girls have cooties and anatomic terms are icky. Fight the good fight, sir, lest we be forced at vagina-point to say the word out loud ourselves.

36 comments:

zman said...

What word was she supposed to use instead of "vagina"?

Danimal said...

fur burger?

rob said...

scatological rhombus!

ladybits?

T.J. said...

Dragon's Lair.

Danimal said...

beav is nice & simple. clean.

T.J. said...

Nice use of "snatch" in the post, tiny. I see what you did there.

rob said...

zman is an excellent straight man.

also, cooter.

zman said...

I do what I can. Given that the statement in question took place in the hallowed halls of the Michigan state Senate, I think decorous judgement calls for "delicates" or "honeypot." Or perhaps, if said hallowed halls are in Detroit, "yang."

zman said...

And ... rectitude! Nicely done.

Clarence said...

What happened to good old fashioned pussy?

I will say that Senator Brown did stir the pot just a tad, not merely mentioning "vagina," but saying, "I'm flattered that you're all so interested in my vagina, but no means no."

There's inherent titillation in that -- the brain of the male of the species simply cannot help but leap directly and immediately to thoughts of not just a science textbook diagram of a vagina but HER vagina, which leads instantly to wonderings about how she grooms it, and oh dear God as a 45-year-old statesperson in the chilly state of Michigan you gotta believe she's probably got a kick-ass beautiful bush brewing under that skirt-suit. Hell yes.

All of this leads to a cantankerous old senator on the other side of the aisle who now can't stand up to visit the john (again) because there's a six-inch replica of the GM Renaissance Tower protruding within his Dockers. And you cannot have that, right?

Look, people, it's Michigan. Check out the map. The daggone state looks like mitten handy about to happen, and therefore the good senator should've used the Bloodhound Gang vernacular "squish mitten."

rob said...

'stir the pot' is a euphemism, yes?

T.J. said...

Yes, it's a Georgia O'Keeffe special.

rob said...

moderately impressive first quarter for the thunderians

Shlara said...

The awesomeness of this week's trip continues. Gate change and flight delayed 3X. Now scheduled to leave OHare at 11:30pm. Only consolation is I get to see this game now. OKC better win. Oh, at the bartender at Chilis just carded me, so there's that too.

Shlara said...

Update--its now an 11:53 departure and I'm drinking beer from a can that is painted to look like a baseball

rob said...

dc peeps, join me and he missus saturday night at the afi silver spring for 'big easy express', part of the annual silverdocs film festival.

http://www.bigeasyexpress.com/

rob said...

nice answer by the heat. somebody wake dave. 'course, i'm not making it past the end if the third.

Shlara said...

Because I know you care...flight is now moved up to 10pm CT, which means I had to leave my bar stool, beer and OKC game to trek back to the C concourse. They moved the gate 4X between B and C. I got my heart-healthy steps in today.

TR said...

If LBJ's quad massages get any more intense, he's going to ejaculate all over the court.

TR said...

The uncensored trailer for Ted is pretty amusing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGW5gpMU9yo

Squeaky said...

White trash name bit was awesome. Might have to see this movie now.

Clarence said...

So what happened to Shlara? A little rendezvous at Gate 69 in the V Concourse?

zman said...

I think this is serious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lchaAtrwkE4

Danimal said...

was wondering about shalar myself. hopefully did not sleep in a hotel banquet room last night.

i will be seeing "ted." my wife, probably not.

Shlara said...

Who's this Clarence with the clown questions??

And I did make it home. They boarded us at 10pmCT (so I missed the OKC implosion and the LBJ thigh masssaging), we left ORD at 11:15pm CT. Landed at DCA at 1:30am.

And I am SUPER salty today after two nights with little sleep. I'm like TJ-level annoyed with everything and everyone today. Good times.

Danimal said...

shlara doesn't remember clarence from back in the day. disappointing. come on shlara.

zman said...

Clarence D. Day?

Danimal said...

Clarence D(eez) Nutz

Clarence said...

Okay, enough of that banter.

So . . . nice to have a university president dismissal and ensuing uproar someplace other than Williamsburg, eh?

Danimal said...

it's a shame. a damn shame.

rob said...

i'll be the first on record as liking this wiz trade. they still won't make the playoffs, but they've got a chance to build a nice, very young foundation. the okc model isn't a bad one to emulate.

Mark said...

It's not a bad trade. At least they get Rashard off the books. Ariza is still redeemable but they have far too many small forwards at this point. Okafor's contract sucks but he's a good veteran presence in the locker room.

Speaking of the OKC model, I know very little of the Magic's new GM. But I know he learned under Presti so I'm good with it. Would be quite something to have a competent GM in Orlando.

Danimal said...

I did not catch and then watch the last 15 min of Bieber special.

rob said...

strasburg might be a cyborg

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