Nightmare Fuel

We've unquestionably come a long way as a species. From the primorial ooze just yesterday (in geological terms) to massive electronic pleasure palaces full of men wearing synthetic fibers, drinking magical mood-altering elixirs and watching other men compete in athletic contests from far-flung locales. Verily, we're near the pinnacle.

But we're not there yet, and there are reasons to fear we'll never get there. I don't mean to be alarmist, but I've been paying attention over the last three weeks. And there are some things you need to know about, in order to prepare.

First, NASA astronaut and physicist Dr. Edward Lu tells us that there's a 30% chance that a five megaton asteroid will hit Earth this century, whether or not James Garner is still around. Dr. Lu's matter of fact tone is perhaps the most terrifying part of this entire thing:



In more terrestrial terrors, scientists in Sri Lanka recently discovered "a new type of tarantula about the size of your face" living in trees and and abandoned hospital. Poecilotheria rajaei has a legspan of up to 8 inches across. Full disclosure, I'm deeply, deeply afraid of spiders. My cat brought a good-sized one (maybe two inches across) up from our basement last week and dropped it at my feet, all proud-like. I almost jumped out of my skin. A tarantula the size of my face? Gaaaaaah.

And imagine all the places in the world we've never been. It's a near certainty that man-sized spiders exist somewhere. Can we send Ed Lu there to shoot them into space and deflect the asteroid?

Closer to home, Virginia gubernatorial candidate and all-around Renaissance Man (in the sense that he probably would be much more comfortable living in that era from the perspective of male/female roles) Ken Cuccinelli has asked the U.S. 4th Circuit of Appeals to review its decision deeming Virginia's anti-sodomy laws unconstitutional. Just another small-government conservative who wishes to dictate what consenting adults (straight and gay) do in the privacy of our bedrooms.

In the real world, the fact that the birther-dabbling, homophobic, climate skeptic Cuccinelli has a reasonably decent chance to be the Governor of my state is scarier even than man-sized spiders. Can we shoot him at the asteroid?

I will refrain from making any jokes about his nickname, which in this context would be juvenile and silly. It's 'Cooch', though.

Finally, - and I must warn you, children should only see this under very close supervision - I saw something on Monday that was so awesomely terrifying that words cannot describe it. I offer you this visual instead:

Stay safe, my friends.

The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day 3

On the third day of Gheorghemas, Big Gheorghe gave to me...

Three catastrophe staches
The Finest Holiday Duet in History
And One Hell of a bloggy Par-ty

We at Gheorghe: the Blog like to make the most out of any situation. When life gives us limes, we make gimlets. So when Hurricane Sandy blew through New Jersey and sapped our power faster than Ian Hymen on a Saturday night, G:TB's Jerseyites made the most of the dim situation (get it?). Absent heat and power, in the face of great difficulty and darkness ... we grew catastrophe mustaches.

The timing couldn't have been better. I shaved cleanly the morning of the storm, October 30, giving me a perfect lead into Movember and making my stache nominally socially acceptable. TR played a similar gambit and we exchanged a few photos along the way via text.

Dave also grew a mustache, but this isn't as impressive because he can grow one at any time -- he balls up his fists, scrunches up his face, and pushes the hair out of his upper lip in the same way that other folks push a recalcitrant turd out of their recta. Instant mustache, although it's more of a Dirty Sanchez according to my metaphor.

The results were electrifying (get it?):

Thus another chapter enters the glorious continuing saga of "gheorghe mustache".

On a more serious note, our outcomes were a lot more fortunate than many others'. There were many terrible stories of great loss and death, thankfully none involving us or those we know. We hope the remainer of 2012 will be comparatively uneventful and we look forward to numerous events of chicanery in 2013, starting with shenanigans scheduled in January, all of which will be summarized in Gheorghemas 2013.

*****SPECIAL BONUS VIDEO HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FOREGOING*****

Now I have Heart Sweats stuck in my head. Enjoy.

United We Stand

Gentlemen of the household of Gheorghe, I call on you to stand and be counted.

Cancer, as we know, sucks. Fuck Cancer, as a matter of fact. There are a number of excellent charitable organizations raising funds in support of cancer prevention efforts, but none of them combine noble aims with Gheorghian dipshittery quite so well as does the Movember movement. TR first brought Movember to our attention all the way back in 2008, and in typical G:TB fashion, we ignored it. I submit that this must change.

In a nutshell, Movember seeks to raise funds for cancer awareness, research, and survivorship support through the growth of lip hair (male, preferably, but to each her own - and check out this great Reddit story on the topic). Mo Bros (that's a painfully awful name, for sure, but I'm grudgingly willing to overlook it in the name of charity) begin November 1 clean-shaven, then spend the rest of the month growing the most spectacular facial topiaries possible. They raise money by engaging sponsors for their 'stachinations.

I propose to you, men of G:TB, that we initiate our own Movember chapter and join 1.9 million men worldwide in telling cancer to eat a bag of dicks. Discuss below, and if you're interested, I'll take care of the logistics.

Fuck cancer. And fuck shaving.

Reader Submissions Filler: 'Stacherific

Via Work Jerry, aka @dumbartonsbeer, comes this "news" item. Apparently something called the "Stimulus to Allow Critical Hair Expenses" (STACHE) wants a tax break for hair care products. Let this charming video explain everything:



Why do I have this strange feeling this is a ruse?

Three Mustachioed Men Visit the Greasetrucks

Piscataway, NJ: Marls sent me this pics from a G:TB mini-summit quite some time ago. Now seems about the right time to fill 'er up with these glam shots:

Whiplash

Proving that we're nothing if not diverse, we pivot this morning from Shlara's terrific work to one of the year's most sublimely ridiculous events. Our own TR is in training for the 2011 National Beard and Moustache Championships, to be held on October 8 in Lancaster, PA. The competition is fierce in the championship's five categories (moustache, partial beard, full beard groomed, full beard natural, and freestyle), but we've got a lot of faith in our guy.

Depicted here very early in his training regimen, TR's known for his creativity and improvisational beard skills. Importantly, he's also legendary in the community for the speed at which his facial topiary grows. He goes 0 to 60mm in less than a full business day. He takes shaving breaks like most of us go for coffee.

I've got a room reserved at the Lancaster Horse and Buggy Motel. I've got space for a few more folks. Let me know if you want in, and big ups to TR.

Some Thoughts on Mustaches

The mustache has been creeping back into America’s consciousness of late, an event that could not make me happier. Perhaps, as the son of a Middle Eastern immigrant, I stand apart from the crowd in my hirsute jubilance. Do I (or, for that matter, Should I) feel incomplete as the son of a Persian man because I don’t sport upper-lip hair? Whatever the answer may be, I may have a lower social hurdle to overcome in the near future, for the mustache appears to be making a comeback (or, at the very least, a death rattle).

As a product of 1980’s pop culture, I was raised with images of alpha males like Tom Selleck, Ron Guidry, Charles Bronson, Keith Hernandez, Bobby Nystrom, Billy Martin, Ron Jeremy, Don Mattingly, Burt Reynolds, Joey Silviera, Goose Gossage and Hulk Hogan. Even the Hulkster’s first big rival was the mustachioed Iron Sheik! They represented the end-all be-all of tough guy cool. They drove fast cars, won World Series, had money, and/or banged Nina Hartley. I also envied Mr. T, but his look was a bit audacious for all but the most enterprising suburban 9 year-olds. It wasn't until I was older that I realized how much he looked like a cross between a gay genie and a seventh member of the Village People. Is that redundant?

(Brief aside: When I was a kid, my father tried to get me backstage at a WWF event in Asbury Park, NJ so we could meet the Iron Sheik. My father phonied up his Persian accent and convinced the security guard that we had traveled a great distance to meet the Sheik. The security guard bought our story, went backstage, and came back with….Salvatore Bellomo. That’s like trying to meet Mike Schmidt and getting Garth Iorg.)

In the last year, the sports world has shown us a ‘stache resurgence. Jason Giambi let it rip on his upper lip for a while last season and maintained the look because he was hitting fairly well with it. Just recently, Jason Kidd sported some hair up there. I wish I could complete the New York-area pro sports angle four ways with Jasons, but Jason Sehorn and Jason Blake are long gone from metropolitan area teams, and neither really seemed like the type.

We’ve even seen hipsters adopting the mustache these days. Johnny Depp is doing his own thing with it, but he may as well be a Frenchman these days, so we can discount him. Same for Sean Penn. Billy Crudup has occasionally sported a ‘stache since his stint as Russell Hammond in Almost Famous, as has co-star Jason Lee in his current performance as Earl. In the 1990’s, fellow William & Mary graduate Jason Ross, from Seven Mary Three, was an early adopter of the retro-handlebar mustache look, but that look is one that lies on a slippery slope. To wear a handlebar mustache is to risk being classified like the Sopranos’ own Johnny Cakes, inviting some unwanted attention (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

I am rooting for a mustache revival, not only for selfish reasons, but to redeem a generation of film idols, rock stars and professional athletes that established social norms for millions of American youngsters like myself in the 1980’s. For when we think of the decay of the mustache, we think of the ascension of the hair metal era. And that evokes painful memories that none of us want to revisit.

To read more, I recommend visiting the web site of the American Mustache Institute: http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/.

I also recommend you visit http://www.movember.org/ to read about a way to combine the cool of a ‘stache with philanthropy this Movember.