Your Friday Moment of Pure Love

It is within the realm of possibilty that Dolly Parton is the very best person in America. You may have seen the sad news recently that her publicity-shy husband of 60 years, Carl Dean, passed away on Monday at the age of 82. Dolly just released this to honor and remember him:

We need more Dollys and fewer Donalds.

We're #69! Tar Heels Edition

One peculiarity this basketball season is the inconsistent, at times puzzling, performance of North Carolina. The Tar Heels are one of the sport’s blue bloods, an annual NCAA Tournament participant and on the short list of the nation’s most recognizable programs. 

UNC was ranked in the top 10 in preseason polls and picked to finish second in the ACC behind a loaded Duke, facing a schedule dotted with premier games. Fast forward, and the Heels have zero marquee wins. As recently as three weeks ago they were scuffling along just one game over .500 in the league and were barely on the fringe of NCAA consideration. 

A current win streak fueled by lineup tweaks has lifted UNC into the discussion, though ESPN bracketology gerbil [Ouch, babe.] Joe Lunardi and The Athletic hoop snoop Joe Rexrode both have Carolina among the first four omitted from the 68-team field. NCAA Net Rankings have the Heels a very bubbly No. 38, and Ken Pomeroy ranks them 38, as well. 

Let’s dig in our Heels: (Full disclosure: I grew up in Maryland, a fan of the Terps and Lefty Driesell and later attended College Park. Carolina’s consistent excellence under Dean Smith and frequent wins versus Maryland provided constant anguish for a kid in the days of the old ACC. Once I began covering sports for a living, however, my rooting interests subsided. I became a fan of decent stories, accommodating deadlines and reliable wi-fi connections. Though I must admit, there remains a small corner of my brain that smiles when Carolina struggles.) 

Recent History: Not too shabby. Twenty NCAA appearances since 2000. Three NCAA titles this century (2005, 2009, 2017), seven Final Fours, 13 appearances in Sweet 16. 

Mascot/Nickname Profile: Tar Heels and North Carolina’s nickname as the Tarheel State date to colonial times. The state was a massive source of material used in wooden shipbuilding – tar and pitch and turpentine from the state’s abundant pine forests – first for the British Royal Navy, and then domestically after independence. It was used to seal hulls and prevent rot. 

Around the time of the Civil War, outsiders began referring to NC natives and troops as Tarheels, a derisive nickname that natives later adopted as a source of pride, that they were more likely to “stick” to their causes and convictions than outsiders who were less committed. 

The school’s mascot, a ram named Rameses, dates to 1924. The football team’s star fullback, Jack Merritt, was nicknamed “Battering Ram” for his style of play. The head cheerleader at the time suggested that the school purchase a ram as mascot, which it did. Legend has it that in a scoreless tie against Virginia Military Institute, UNC’s kicker rubbed the ram’s head for luck and then went out and kicked the game-winning field goal. A ram has been on the sidelines at UNC football games ever since. The stuffed costume ram mascot seen at basketball games and other events dates to the late 1980s. 

IYKYK

Home Arena: Dean E. Smith Center, aka the Dean Dome (cap. 21,750). Opened in 1986. The baby-bluest building you’ll ever walk into. Smith was notably hesitant about a new arena three times the size of the program’s traditional home, Carmichael Auditorium. But he was eventually convinced because of the program’s growing popularity and the fact that it would allow more students to attend games. He was never entirely comfortable with the fact that it was named for him. For all of his success, he routinely deflected attention from himself. For instance, when people referred to UNC as a basketball school, he often responded that no, it was a women’s soccer school, owing to legendary coach Anson Dorrance and his title harvesting program. 

Notable Hoops Alumni: Dear lord, where to start? That Jordan fellow, Vince Carter, James Worthy, Tyler Hansbrough, Billy Cunningham, Phil Ford, Kenny Smith, Larry Brown, Antawn Jamison, Bob McAdoo, George Karl, Charlie Scott, Sam Perkins, Brad Daugherty, Al Wood, Armando Bacot, Walter Davis, Bobby Jones, Mitch Kupchak, Rick Fox. Three of their coaches are also in the Naismith Hall of Fame – Frank McGuire, El Deano and Roy Williams. 

Current Season: The Heels (20-11, 13-6 in the ACC) are in fourth place in the league, a half-game ahead of Wake Forest and SMU. Graduate guard R.J. Davis (17.2 ppg), the 2024 ACC Player of the Year and school career No. 2 scorer behind Hansbrough, is one of three players averaging in double figures, along with 6-4 freshman Ian Jackson (13.5 ppg) and 6-3 junior Seth Trimble (12.1 ppg). UNC has won six in a row and scored more than 80 points in each game, due in part to recent emergence of 6-9 graduate Jae’Lyn Withers (70 pts last six games) and 6-8 junior Ven-Allen Lubin (7.6 ppg, 4.9 rpg), who has scored in double figures in his past five games. Both bigs have also helped reverse the season-long trend of spotty rebounding. 

Hubert is a FOG:TB by proxy

Reasons to Believe: Late-season success, which is supposedly a factor in selection. Notion that it’s difficult to fathom the ACC not getting at least four teams into the tournament. The fact that they’re North Freakin’ Carolina. To that end, I was reminded recently that the selection committee knows precisely what teams they’re evaluating. The idea that the committee blindly compares resume’s for a supposedly more objective decision is a media concoction – often attempting to measure the worth of one team chosen vs. another that was left out. If you believe that committee members don’t consider conferences and schools when it comes to selection and seeding and juicy potential tournament matchups, we have a swell real estate proposition for you in a little paradise we call Gaza. UNC Athletic Director Bubba Cunningham is chair of the selection committee. Now, ADs are supposed to recuse themselves when their teams are discussed, but administrative back-scratching, anyone? 

Reasons to Fade Them: Metrics. The Heels have exactly one Quad 1 win, a Dec. 21 neutral site game vs. UCLA. They’re 1-10 against Q1 (Quad 1 results are home games vs. the top 30, neutral site games against the top 50 and away games against the top 75). The only team ranked above them in NCAA Net with one or fewer Q1 wins is No. 29 VCU (1-1), and obviously the Rams had only two opportunities. That said, a win against Duke Saturday and/or a deep run in the ACC Tournament would bolster their case. The fact that the ACC is down this season doesn’t provide the statistical cushion and boost of years past. In short, unless the Heels win the ACC Tournament, it could go either way. But don’t be surprised if they hear their name called on Selection Sunday.

Gheorghasbord: Heroes Gone But Not Forgotten

We've seen a handful of famous folks pass in recent days. Gene Hackman, Betsy Arakawa, Michelle Trachtenberg, all public figures whose deaths made the headlines. But we've a pair of others who haven't been quite as bold-faced in their personas, yet who left an indelible mark on this rapidly devolving global society.

For instance, it was sad news in my household when Francesco Rivella passed on February 14 at the age of 97. The Italian chemist was my daughter's favorite person for several years, though she didn't know his name. Rivella invented Nutella, which was my kid's go-to breakfast staple into the early high school years. We even made a trip to Chicago just to go to Mario Batali's Eataly because it had a Nutella-themed bar. (We didn't know, man.)

Literally millions of other families mourn and give thanks to James Harrison. The 88 year-old Aussie died on February 17, and his right arm could finally rest. Harrison's blood contained a rare and valuable antibody known as anti-D (sorry Daves, Danimal, and Donna), and he was generous with it. Anti-D is vital in preventing blood-related diseases in newborns, and Harrison's 1,173 blood donations between 1954 and 2018 are estimated to have contributing the saving of 2.4 million infant lives. Nearly as many as Elon Musk is going to kill this year.

Your Typical Anapestic Birthday Celebration

As many of you may know, I share a birthday with Dr. Seuss (and Desi Arnaz and Jon Bon Jovi, among others). But while I'm no "I Love Lucy Superfan," I've always felt a special connection to Seuss and his wild and whimsical words (and illustrations). Whitney has often regaled you with tales of our very popular (and very profane) song we made in college about the good doctor, inspired by his demise, so I don't need to recount that but in other shared birthday news . . .

For the last eighteen years, I've written a Seussian poem celebrating our respective birthdays. I thought this was a normal way to celebrate, but Google does not agree:

Here is my latest:

Me and the Seuss, we share birthday fun--
If the doc were alive, he'd be one-twenty-one!
I'm not quite that old, but D. Boon would be proud--
there's no shame in saying it, so I'll say it loud,
fuck all those youngsters, growing old is no crime--
I'll revel in my age: double nickels on the dime.

For the first time ever, I've collected all the rest of the poems in one place-- and it's a pretty weird ride. Starts as a creative lark, but then I start exploring the nature of time and mortality, and then, for no good reason-- unless perhaps it's just getting old and mellowing out, I become inspirational and optimistic and start looking on the bright side of life.

So here they are, in chronological order:

Today is the day-- I've turned thirty-eight!--
The Doctor and I, we share the same date--
If Seuss were alive, he'd be one-o-two,
And if I were like Horton, then I'd hear a Who!
(Actually, Seuss would be one-o-four,
but that is a fact that I choose to ignore).

I share my birthday with a Cat named Seuss--
who, like all writers, liked his juice
as I like mine, fermented and sweet . . .
especially for a birthday treat--
but this year, instead of getting all pissed
my present is a juicy sebaceous cyst.

This one is very Emily Dickinson:

A Birthday Slant Rhyme

Today is our day:
me, Seuss, and Bon Jovi,
and I am the youngest,
Though I just turned forty.

Today is my birthday, me and the Seuss
I'm now forty-one, and still feeling loose,
but if life is a train, I'm near the caboose.

Today is the day, I turn forty-two--
the meaning of life, but according to who?
and if you know, I'm willing to bet
that you have read all the books in the set--
you know that the dolphins had such simple wishes,
they just wanted to say thanks for the fishes.





If Seuss were alive, he'd be very old,
one hundred and nine years I am told;
I doubt very much that I'll make it that far --
but I have a tattoo of a fish in a car!

At this point, the poems become more existential and grim:

It's here once again, it's hard to ignore,
he's one-hundred and ten, and I'm forty-four.
My beard grows white, my skin grows loose,
the looming specter tightens his noose,
and if you deny him, he'll cook your goose . . .
let me remind you, it happened to Seuss.

The doctor and I are both a year older,
but his celebration is darker and colder.

Seuss was a man who created a cat,
with a number of tricks, and a fancy top hat--
I am the man who created a blog,
but I don't have a cat . . . I prefer my black dog.

Dave and Dr. Seuss Pontificate on the Meaning of Shared Birthdays (in a Universe That May be Experiencing the Nietzschean Eternal Return)

Me and the Seuss, we share the same date:
coincidence . . . or an act of fate?
I tend to lean towards the stochastic
but perhaps our world is finitely elastic,
so we run the same path after every big bang
and the Doctor and I share our groove thang.

The Doctor and me-- we share the same date--
Inevitably, we'll share the same fate.
As alive as he was, all the places he went,
In the end, he found out that his life was but lent.
I AM alive, I have places to go--
But since I'm now fifty, I'll just move kind of slow.
There is a lesson to be learned from the demise of the Seuss:
the best case with the reaper is an uneasy truce.

This one is quite historic, on both ends:

I share my birthday with a cat named Seuss
a man I respect for his creative juice
his rhymes were tight, his mind was loose--
and while the good Doctor liked to imbibe
Prohibition didn't feel his vibe--
I also like the occasional shot,
but on this birthday, alcohol is a NOT--
the shot I partake will go in my arm--
a present from Pfizer that might make me feel warm,
Seuss survived a pandemic: the Spanish flu--
Soon enough I might say: I survived too!

Then, for no good reason, I shake off this philosophical funk . . .

The good doctor and I share the same date of birth--
and for twenty-one years, we roamed planet earth--
our time intersected, we shared the same space,
we breathed the same air, we ran the same race--
but 31 years ago, the good doctor expired
while I continued living, he went and expired--
and I hope in good time, we'll meet once again,
and drink us some beers and eat us some ham.

The day has arrived, the day of my birth--
The day Seuss and I debuted on the Earth;
And while the good doctor has passed from this place,
I'm still hanging on still running the race,
still working the job, still writing the posts,
still chasing the lob, still taunting the ghosts--
I've been knocking around for fifty-three years,
my knees are a wreck, I can barely quaff beers--
but while I can walk, stand and not fall,
I'll remain in the game and play pickleball.

It's here once again, it comes without fail--
for rich and for poor, the next coffin nail . . .
for Bryce Dallas Howard, for the Wu's Method Man,
for me and Bon Jovi-- the occasional is grand:
We are still alive! our lifetime rolls on!
and one year from now we may well be gone . . .
But perhaps these trite rhymes will outlive my frame--


The Good Doctor is dead, yet you still know his name . . .
and the folks he invented, that lived in his books:
Yertle the Turtle, Thing One and Thing Two,
The Grinch and the Lorax and, of course, Cindy Lou Who--
you know all those souls, though they never lived--
you might know them much better than your very own kids!

So here's to creation--to birthdays and rhymes--
to writing it down, before there's no time.

Re-shaping The Discussion

It appears that elfin delivery magnate and newspaper dilettante Jeff Bezos saw fellow billionaire and serial ass-fez Elon Musk’s attempts to trample institutions and antagonize copious numbers of people and thought: Why should he have all the fun? 

Bezos continued his Solitaire Jenga of the Washington Post with a memo to staffers outlining an editorial shift that sent shock waves through the newsroom and beyond. He said the Post’s opinion pages will write every day “in support and defense of two pillars: personal liberties and free markets.” 

On its face, it’s a cheerleader call-to-arms. After all, who’s against personal liberty and free markets? (the Bolsheviks in the audience may want to sit this one out) Read more closely, however, and it’s a vague framework with more questions than answers and a fundamental misread of society and the role of newspapers. It’s the sort of memo written by someone whose wealth insulates them from the day-to-day and who builds a rocket ship for tourist junkets by other rich thrill-seekers. 

Here’s the full Bezos:

I’m writing to let you know about a change coming to our opinion pages. We are going to be writing every day in support and defense of two pillars: personal liberties and free markets. We’ll cover other topics too of course, but viewpoints opposing those pillars will be left to be published by others. There was a time when a newspaper, especially one that was a local monopoly, might have seen it as a service to bring to the reader’s doorstep every morning a broad-based opinion section that sought to cover all views. Today, the internet does that job. I am of America and for America, and proud to be so. Our country did not get here by being typical. And a big part of America’s success has been freedom in the economic realm and everywhere else. Freedom is ethical — it minimizes coercion — and practical — it drives creativity, invention, and prosperity. I offered (Editorial Page Editor) David Shipley, whom I greatly admire, the opportunity to lead this new chapter. I suggested to him that if the answer wasn’t “hell yes,” then it had to be “no.” After careful consideration, David decided to step away. This is a significant shift, it won’t be easy, and it will require 100% commitment — I respect his decision. We’ll be searching for a new Opinion Editor to own this new direction. I’m confident that free markets and personal liberties are right for America. I also believe these viewpoints are underserved in the current market of ideas and news opinion. I’m excited for us together to fill that void.

We live in a time when some have more liberty and are more free than others, the levels of which are often determined by money and race and class structure. In a society that’s increasingly gamed toward the wealthy and with a yawning income inequality gap, free markets ain’t exactly free for everybody. If an exercise of “personal liberty” offends or harms someone or some group, is that fair game or off limits for the Post editorial board? Do “free markets” include polluters and sweatshops where apparel seamstresses and shoemakers provide cheap goods without a squawk about hours and wages? How about corporate subsidies? Since when is free money part of free markets? Does Bezos, who’s made gazillions as Amazon honcho, want this new emphasis on personal liberties and free markets to champion everyone? Unclear, though his track record suggests not. 

Remember that the Federal Trade Commission and 17 state attorneys general sued Amazon in Sept. 2023, alleging monopolist and unfair business practices. The suit said that Amazon stifled if not squashed competition in multiple ways, manipulated prices and overcharged businesses, all while keeping wages criminally low and labeling many employees as gig workers to limit compensation and benefits. In the hands of the ultra-wealthy, phrases such as “personal liberty” and “free markets” are less aspirational and more license that translates to: “I get to do what I want.” For Bezos to justify the editorial shift by flippantly saying that the internet now does the job that newspapers did in the past is both tone-deaf and inaccurate. 

Sure, you can find all the contrarian takes you like on the interwebs. Few of them come with the heft and credibility of one of the nation’s most recognized, if increasingly self-immolating, newspapers. This is what happens when a newspaper becomes a possession rather than a public trust. Newspapers are supposed to speak truth to power – comfort the afflicted, afflict the comfortable, and all that; don’t pair the As and Cs. They have a responsibility to readers and to their communities, and should not be subject to the whims of the owner (your citation of William Randolph Hearst and Rupert Murdoch is so noted). 

You might recall that Bezos torqued off plenty of people inside and outside the Post last fall when he pulled an editorial endorsing Kamala Harris for President. He reasoned that presidential endorsements are outdated, unlikely to sway public opinion and demonstrate bias. In the aftermath of that decision, the paper lost a reported 250,000 digital subscribers. Does Bezos think going all-in on personal liberties and free markets will suddenly motivate Fox News viewers and Wall Street Journal subscribers to flock to the Post? Or will it make up for whatever the fallout is after this announcement? Doubtful. 

The man’s not stupid. The likely conclusion is that he made a calculation and is willing to follow through. He believes that he’s landed on a mission and now has a powerful platform to advocate for it. And he has money to burn, which not only entitles but blinds him. 

The last graf of Bezos’s memo is also a tell. The idea that free markets and personal liberties are “underserved” in the present news and opinion landscape is laughable. Look no further than the current occupant of the Oval Office and his inauguration, where billionaires and CEOs had better seats than Cabinet appointments, if you want a read on the impact of free markets and personal liberties. Look at the popularity of Fox News and the growing reach of Sinclair Broadcasting and its greasy affiliates and the aforementioned Wall Street Journal. Look at the consolidation of media and entertainment companies by corporate interests. 

Newspapers have been snapped up by hedge funds and vulture capitalists, who aren’t exactly going Marx and Engels on the editorial pages. Heck, today’s conservative movement and its mouthpieces have so glorified capitalism and the pursuit of wealth that any mention of government regulation or more equitable taxation is demonized as anti-business and anti-freedom and a bobsled run to communism. No, what Bezos and his ten- and eleven-figure bros want is validation. For them, America’s greatness isn’t as an idea but as a vehicle for extraction. Money isn’t enough. They all have plenty of that anyway. They want to hear that it’s good and right and noble to accumulate and acquire, that they’re the richest and smartest and bestest boys in the whole wide world. A newspaper with national cachet banging the drum every day is a swell addition to the club. Your move, Elon.

RIP Norman Dale

 I might need to test the Caine-Hackman theory this weekend as long as George Clinton doesn’t show up at the house. 

Get Up

Pushing down that which should, by rights, be pushed off a cliff, because I feel like bustin' loose.

And speaking of Bustin' Loose, we're here to celebrate the grand opening of the temple of D.C.'s very own music. The Go-Go Museum and Cafe opened its doors just last week in Anacostia, 8,000 square feet of energy and homage. 

In his article in The Washington Post about the museum, Chris Richards writes, "For nearly 50 years now, Washington’s homegrown dialect of dance music has proved itself taut in execution and expansive in form, a densely woven continuity, a hyper-funky ongoingness that continues to consecrate a community’s bond."

If you're gonna write about music (or dance about architecture), I feel like that's a pretty good sentence. I think I'll leave it at that, and send y'all out with some ongoingness.

Fight, You Fucks

I could chronicle the litany of cruel fuckery currently being visited upon the land* by the band of twerps too dull to make the cut as John Hughesian losers, but that would be both depressing and repetitive. Nah, mate, I'm here to take aim at a different target: the feeble dipshits making up what passes as organized opposition during these dark times. And I come bearing a solution, or at least an idea.

* Check that story, y'all. An ICE prosecutor in Dallas runs a white supremacist X account and has for years. 

It is hard to know based upon current evidence whether the Democratic Party is incompetent or unwilling. And it's a real challenge to decide which would be worse, though I think the answer is the latter. The paucity of Democratic spinal stiffness at the present moment is infuriating and mind-bending in equal measure, and folks are pointing it out. This piece by the reliable excellent Dave Zirin is a case in point.

The people that brought us the neutering of Tim Walz (not over it, man) and the relentless tacking to the center are still at it, nattering on about norms and going on book tours in the midst of an honest to God crisis. If I never hear from James Carville, Chuck Schumer, and Rahm Emanuel again, I'll count it as a modest blessing, though I suspect that's too much to hope for.

No, I want more of this:

I want the Dems to talk about what they're going to DO about *waves hands* all the things. They could start by establishing the stakes and reclaiming the mantle of the champions of regular Americans, like the AFSCME did back in the 70s.

There are exceptions on the left, people who are doing their best to resist the onslaught and - probably more importantly - continue to speak loudly and often about what's actually happening and why it matters. The aforementioned AOC is at the forefront. Pete Buttigieg seems to get it. JB Pritzker's been vocal. But it's too few, too far between, too meek. In the face of literal Nazi salutes by Republican leaders, Dems can't seem to offer more than sanctimonious tut-tutting.

I want Nazi punching. 

At the very least, I want sustained, loud public condemnation, clarity about consequences, and a vision for how things might be different. I want the Dems to marshal the considerable comms acumen in their ranks (they own fucking Hollywood, for Chrissakes) and make some goddamn noise. 

Also, punching Nazis.

There happens to be a model for the kind of thing I prescribe, conveniently on offer not so far away, at least culturally. The notion of a shadow cabinet has a long history in the U.K., where the opposition party often names shadow ministers who make it their business to respond to the actions of their real-world counterpart and set up alternative options for public consideration. At the moment, for example, Kemi Badenoch is the Shadow Prime Minister, her Conservative Party out of power, but not meekly surrendering their agency.

My modest proposal, then, is that the Democrats take a page from the Brits and stand up their own Shadow Cabinet, made up of qualified (which in and of itself would shine in stark relief of the current Cabinet), opinionated, and eloquent spokespeople who can make the case over and over to whoever will listen. I've got some ideas about people who might staff such a body, since the aforementioned AOC is already operating as the Shadow President.

Attorney General: I really wish Barack Obama were more temperamentally suited to this kind of thing, because he'd be great. But he isn't, so we're tapping Marc Elias. The founder of Democracy Docket is a prolific thorn in the Administration's side, winning electoral legal case after case. He's also great at the optics and comms - check out this open letter he recently wrote to Elon Musk about that fucking idiot's anti-Semitism.

Department of Defense: We're going a bit conservative for our Shadow SECDEF. This role doesn't call for a bomb thrower (pun only intended after the fact), but a sober counterpoint to the idiocracy currently occupying the Pentagon. The fact is that Michèle Flournoy is better qualified than Pete Hegseth by several orders of magnitude, and that she's a woman is a glaring repudiation of the current administration's aggressive purging of non-white non-male leaders in the department. Fluornoy is the highest-ranking woman in the history of DoD, serving as the Under Secretary of Defense for Policy under Obama.

Department of Treasury: JB Pritzker is an unlikely populist, but we don't go to war with the army we want, we go to war with the army we have. The billionaire Governor of Illinois has the advantage of being an actually competent businessman in contrast with BPOTUS (the B stands for Bloated), and his wealth insulates him from the ham-handed intimidation tactics in vogue on the right. As noted above, Pritzker's been one of the few Dems who seem to both grasp the gravity of the current situation and understand how to address it.

Department of Transportation: Since there really isn't anything called a Shadow Vice President (and because the Dems would never agree on who to select in the first place), we're gonna run it back here with Pete Buttigieg. Listen here to what he recently said about the coming budget process. We'll give him a bigger portfolio than DOT, but he's really well-situated to give us the facts about how cuts to things like the FAA will impact Americans.

Department of Commerce: During the Biden Administration, Lina Khan was a particularly effective boogeyman for the right. As the Chairman of the Federal Trade Commission, she continued her public advocacy for robust antitrust enforcement. She's wicked smart, and highly wary of the aggregation of power in the hands of the few.

Department of Labor: If we're not getting a bomb thrower at Defense, we'll make up for it here. Shawn Fain rose to public prominence as the President of the United Auto Workers (UAW) union during its 2023 strike against Ford, GM, and Stellantis. He's famously pugnacious, and he's unabashedly pro-Democratic agenda. Witness, for example, his speech at the 2024 Democratic National Convention.

Department of State: One of the most egregiously cruel, ill-advised, and plan assholish moves of the new administration's first month (it's only been a fucking MONTH?!?!?) is the demolition of the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID), normally responsible for 40% of the world's development assistance. Samantha Power was the Administrator of USAID under Joe Biden, and has a long record of international policy leadership. She's been criticized for being too militaristic in her role at USAID, and is a part of the very centrist wing of the party, but she's not afraid to speak her mind, and she's smart as hell. Big tent, y'all. 

Department of Education: Here's how Perry Bacon, Jr. opened a recent Washington Post story about the President of Wesleyan University: "Many college presidents and deans are issuing mealymouthed statements, ending long-standing programs, removing content from websites and otherwise cowering in the face of the Trump administration’s attacks on higher education. Then there’s Michael S. Roth." Roth has been one of the most vocal private sector opponents of the current fuckery. He said this in an opinion piece in Slate, "“Leaders in civil society shouldn’t be ‘demure’ in the face of authoritarian attempts to align all power with a president’s agenda, civil society be damned.” A-fucking-men.

Department of Interior: Deb Haaland is running for Governor of New Mexico, and Joe Biden's Secretary of the Interior would use the platform offered by the Shadow Cabinet to her and our advantage. She's an outspoken defender of preservation and sane land use. 

This does not look like someone to trifle with

Department of Energy: One of the loudest anti-Trump voices currently in Congress, non-AOC division, is Texas rep Jasmine Crockett. A member of the House Sustainable Energy and Environment Coalition, Crockett has both the policy credentials and the requisite willingness to get in good trouble. Crockett got into a heated argument with Nancy Mace (R-Loony Toons) on the floor of the House in January. She's proper pissed off.

Department of Health and Human Services: Ranging a bit far afield for this one to bring in an innovative mind with serious technology chops. Todd Park was the HHS Chief Technology Officer (CTO) under Barack Obama, where he led efforts to open government data to the public and build accessible technology platforms for citizens. He's wicked smart, funny, and relatable, despite being a really wealthy serial healthtech entrepreneur. Also, I've met him, so he'd help burnish my personal brand. Winning!

Department of Housing and Urban Development: HUD is gonna take a beating under the DOGE doofuses. It'd be great if the Shadow Cabinet had someone willing to take on Elon Musk's jackassery. California rep Robert Garcia called the Boer Bore a "dick" on live television last week. That's a promising start. But Garcia's more than just a dirty-talking face. He's also one of the founders of the YIMBY Caucus, focused on increasing access to affordable housing.

Department of Veterans Affairs: Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth has been a staunch defender of the nation's Vets since she joined Congress as a Representative in 2013. Duckworth is a retired Army National Guard Lieutenant Colonel who lost her right leg at the hip and her left below the knee when the helicopter she was piloting was hit by a rocket-propelled grenade fired by Iraqi insurgents. She's been highly and righteously publicly angry at the proposed cuts to the VA and DoD.

Department of Agriculture: Last, but by no means least, we're bringing former Senator Jon Tester back to the spotlight to tell the Dems' story on the Ag front. Tester is famously a farmer from Montana who deeply understands the work the Department does and its impact on American families. Plus, he looks like your town's football coach, which'll help the Dems connect with a certain demographic.

Our Shadow Cabinet is a group of highly-qualified, serious-minded, patriotic Americans from a wide range of backgrounds. They look like America, something the nation's current leadership seems to despise. And they've all shown a penchant for a fight, which the Democratic party sorely lacks as an institution at the moment. C'mon, Dems, let's get this done. Show us some spine.

And seriously, more Nazi-punching.

Self-Serving Gifts

Did you screw up your Valentine's Day gift?  Don't worry, I have you covered.  Multiple people have told me I'm good at giving gifts.  I'm also good at giving self-serving gifts and you should be too.  

Self-serving gifts are gifts you will enjoy as much as the recipient.  Vacations are great self-serving gifts.  For example, I took zwoman to California early in our relationship.  We hung out with friends in San Francisco where we ate well and drank deeply, then we went to San Diego where we also ate well and drank deeply and went to a Padres game and the zoo and the beach and had a great time.  Tickets to concerts and sporting events are smaller gifts but can be equally self-serving.

At this stage in our lives, vacations often aren't gift-tacular because we have to bring our kids with us and they tend to make things harder than they need to be.  And zwoman would rather go to bed early than go to a concert these days.

Up until recently I was still able to rely on some of my lesser but still wonderfully self-serving gifts.  But no longer.  The last time I gave zwoman some lingerie she held it up and said "What am I going to do this?"  I can't blame her, last time I saw myself naked I exclaimed "What the hell happened to me?!"  I've started hanging a sheet over the bathroom mirror so I don't accidentally catch a glimpse of myself coming out of the shower.  It's like I'm sitting shiva over here.    

Similarly, she still uses the gift cards to the waxing salon but not necessarily where I intended.  On Monday morning she told me she was going over there and I guess she saw the hopeful expression on my face and tone in my voice when I said "Oh?" because she replied "Don't get excited, they're waxing my mustache."  Such is life in our sixth decade.

Perhaps you're in the same boat.  You can still find a gift that serves you as much as your loved one.  This year I got zwoman a bread maker for Christmas and it paid off tremendously.  She really enjoys making bread.  I enjoy eating warm, fresh, homemade bread.  Everyone wins.  And she's been a bakin' fool with this thing, at least three loaves a week.  Whole wheat, French, rye, white, gluten-free, you name it she's baked it.

Maybe you and your lady can't take vacations like you used to, or go out like you used to, or fornicate in naughty attire with clean-as-a-whistle delicates like you used to, but you can still eat fresh bread every day.  Go get her a bread maker.  You'll thank me later.

Fitter Filler

I've got a doozy of a post in the offing, in which I reflect upon the times we live in ("dark times", according to Dave, master of understatement) and offer a bit of advice to the inexplicably limp Democratic Party. I say it's a doozy because there's *waves hands* SO MUCH SHIT HAPPENING, and it's nigh impossible to contain it in one cogent post, so do not expect cogency. 

Zman's efforting a post that's likely much more interesting, though less profane, so be excited about that, too. 

Today, though, just a bit of filler. Nothing fancy. Trying to keep y'all fit as we make our way through this fuckery, seven minutes at a time.

Some of you exercise regularly. Zman's got a 3,000 day Peloton streak going. Danimal's a damn dolphin, what with all his swimming. Dave is a polymath, or at least a polymove, playing hoops and soccer, rollerblading (insert joke here, and in the comments), among other things. I do some yoga, some Peloton bike and strength, a bit of soccer - I like to move it move it.

But some days I don't have even 30 minutes, especially now that the soccer coaching season has started. (Have I told you that I lost my three best players before tryouts even started? Not great, Bob. Gonna find out how my X's and O's stack up without my Jimmies and Joes.) So I was happy to see a feature in The Washington Post (soon not to get my subscription dollars, what with Jeff Bezos' knee-bending) about a scientifically-proven way to maintain strength and flexibility in a short window.

Exercise physiologist Chris Jordan created a seven-minute, 12-exercise circuit designed to raise one's heart rate and work a broad range of muscle groups. After testing it extensively, a 2023 study in the National Library of Medicine by a group of researchers at the Chinese University of Hong Kong found that the workouts raised the inexperienced exercisers’ heart rates enough to improve their fitness over time. The study also suggested that the circuit was more enjoyable than other exercise, making it more likely that adherents would continue to exercise.

You can find the workout here. And if you follow along, you get to work out with this fella:

We're No. 69! Rams Edition

Less than a month until NCAA Selection Sunday, so the final push for teams to bolster their cases for inclusion and to prevent the entire Southeastern Conference from en masse invitation. Compelling cases abound for the 68-team field among programs from marquee leagues and so-called mid-majors. 

 

Personally, I have a soft spot for teams from lower rated leagues that excel over middle-of-the-pack teams in blue blood conferences that possess numerous structural and financial advantages already. Reward teams that enjoy outsized success, rather than brand name programs that benefit from the neighborhood in which they reside (looking at you, Georgia and Nebraska, among others). 

With that in mind, several bracketology noodlers have VCU (that’s Virginia Commonwealth University, for the Mid-Atlantic impaired) among the first four teams omitted, which means that the Rams can still play their way into the tournament, either by winning the Atlantic 10 Tournament and earning the league’s automatic bid, or stockpiling wins as the season winds down and presenting the selection committee with a convincing case for one of the 37 at-large bids (Correction: in a previous post, I mistakenly wrote that the field is comprised of 32 conference champs and 36 at-large bids; I forgot that the demise of the Pac-12 removed one league champ and thus added an at-large berth. Management regrets the error). 

Let’s dig into the Rams. 

Recent History: Pretty fair, for a program outside the Power Conferences. The Rams have made the NCAA Tournament 13 times since 2004 and have won at least 20 games seventeen times in that span, under six different coaches. VCU famously made the Final Four in 2011 under Shaka Smart as a member of the Colonial (now Coastal) Athletic Association, advancing from the First Four and upsetting Georgetown, Purdue, Florida State and Kansas. Their .712 winning percentage in conference play since joining the A10 in 2012 is the league’s best. 

Mascot/Nickname Profile: Rodney the Ram originated in 1963 under the Richmond Professional Institute and replaced an early mascot known as the Green Devil. RPI merged with the Medical College of Virginia in 1968, after which the school changed colors to the current black and gold. 

Home Arena: E.J. Wade Arena at the Stuart Siegel Center, often referred to as The Stu, downtown Richmond (cap. 7,637). Darn fine small arena. School’s pep band is a banger and contributes greatly to excellent gameday experience. Legit homecourt advantage. 

Notable Hoops Alumni: Bones Hyland, Vince Williams Jr., Kendrick Warren, Eric Maynor, Larry Sanders (no, not that one), Briante’ Weber, Treveon Graham, Mo Alie-Cox, an athletic marvel who after a college career as a rebounding and shot-blocking monster neatly transitioned to pro football and became a tight end with the Indianapolis Colts. 

Recent photo of 
Briante' Weber

Current Season: Rams are 20-5 overall, 10-2 in A10, in second place behind George Mason, under second-year head coach Ryan Odom, son of longtime Wake Forest coach Dave Odom and who played for former William and Mary head mustache Tony Shaver at Hampden-Sydney. You might recall that Odom, who replaced Mike Rhoades, was head coach at UMBC in 2018, when the Retrievers became the first No. 16 seed to beat a No. 1, blasting Virginia in the first round of the NCAAs. 

Reason to Believe: Rams are a veteran bunch with size and depth, and they defend the starch out of opponents. Six of their top seven are grad students or seniors, led by 6-4 guard Joe Bamisile (15.8 ppg) and 6-5 Max Shulga (15.1 ppg, team-high 97 assists). They are top-25 nationally in defensive efficiency, top-10 in effective field goal percentage defense. They’re among the national leaders in blocked shots and opponent turnover rate at more than 20 percent. VCU is No. 32 in Ken Pomeroy’s team rankings and No. 34 in NCAA Net Rankings, as of last weekend. They average better than nine 3-pointers per game. 

Reason to Fade Them: Little room for error. The Rams’ non-conference strength of schedule (301) doesn’t help the cause. The A10 is rated only sixth or seventh among conferences, with VCU and Mason the only teams among the top 70 in NCAA Net Rankings. Losses from here on are more likely to hurt its statistical profile more than wins will benefit. The Rams get their lone crack at Mason on Feb. 22 and finish the regular season vs. Dayton on March 7, both at home, in what are their best chances to enhance the resume’ before the conference tournament. If VCU can reach 26 or 27 wins, even without winning the A10 Tournament, it might be enough to sneak in, provided there are few at-large bid thiefs come March.

Gheorghasbord: UniFun

Howdy, friends. Battening down the hatches and drugging my dog in expectation of 50-60 mph wind gusts this afternoon and evening. And serving some scorching hot blog content for your amusement.

It's a new MLS season, which means we get new kits for each of the 30 teams, all of which are outfitted by adidas. I'm generally a fan of the brand with three stripes, but the template they designed for this year's kits evokes 80s hoops style. This is not a compliment. 

Nonetheless, there are a few jerseys that stand out (ESPN ranks all 30 here). In particular, and close to home, D.C. United's alternate pays homage to the city's Go-go music culture with swirls of color against a cream background.

Portland's kit is dope, too, with a deep forest green primary color and a design echoing tree rings emanating from the badge honoring the Timbers' name. 

I honestly don't love any of the others. Real Salt Lake is going with a checkerboard pattern, which will stand out as unique. L.A. Galaxy have a gorgeous purple alternate, but I hate them, so we won't talk about it. There are a bunch of middling options, like Atlanta and Montreal's vertical stripes and Houston and Toronto's one-toned blah. And there are a couple dogshit entries. Starting with New England's alternate kit. Get a load of this loud mess.

San Diego joins the league this season, and given that town's vibrant culture and the NWSL Wave's dope look, one would think the team would offer up something cool. One would be wrong. San Diego will open up in one of the blandest kits I could imagine.

Let's work on things for next year, shall we, adidas?

Maybe the Germans could take a road trip to Minot, ND and get some inspiration from the Minot State University hockey program. The Beavers sported the uniforms below last week to honor the state's farmers. Fannntastic.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by The Hockey House (@hockeyhousepod)

And finally, because these posts require three different topics, lemme show you this dope rugby shirt I just bought. I'm headed to Cardiff with Whit and a bunch of FoGTBs in March to watch Wales host England (or, more accurately, watch Wales get boatraced by England) in a Six Nations match. Gotta show out for the home side, and since I can't wear red in the U.S. these days, I found a place I can do so.

 

I Think He's Writing

Twenty five years ago today, the final Peanuts strip was published. The great Charles M. Schulz had passed away the day before.

Stuff I Saw

There's a new chairman of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, one of the crown jewels of our nation's performing arts community. You're likely familiar with him, as he seems to suck the oxygen from...all the things. As with everything that chairman touches, I expect the Kennedy Center to devolve into a celebration of the gauche, a debauched shell of her former elegant self. I'll miss her.

I'll have my memories, though. Here's what I believe to be a complete list of the shows and events I took in at that impressive building hard by the Potomac River.

Took both kids to see a free They Might Be Giants early evening show in the Grand Foyer in October 2010. The occasion was a celebration of the comprehensive redesign of ARTSEDGE—the Kennedy Center’s national K-12 arts education web site. Which is probably fucked. There's a video of the (impressively long and predictably fun) show available here.

In January 2013, I took my little one to see a joyous and high-energy celebration of the 40th anniversary of Schoolhouse Rock at the Millennium Stage. Turns out Shlara was there, too, though neither of us realized the other was in the house.

2016 was a big year for us and the KenCen. Started on New Year's Day with Matilda in the Opera House. Dark and funny. And dark.

It's a great venue. And it ain't gonna look like this for a while.

My then 15 year-old dancer and I attended a premiere of The National Ballet of Canada's 'A Winter's Tale' later that January. My company at the time was headquartered in Toronto and a major sponsor of the ballet's tour, so we got VIP tickets which entitled us to backstage passes after the show. My kid has never been speechless before or since, but she was that evening meeting the cast.

We went as a family to see Fiasco Theatre's incredibly inventive production of Into the Woods in December of that same year. Here's a snippet from a glowing review by Andra Abramson: "The updated Into the Woods directed by Noah Brody and Ben Steinfeld is so fresh and innovative and so superbly acted that I was immediately swept up in the action and transported to a fairy tale world of witches, bakers, princesses, giants, and mysterious men." It really was one of the most captivating stage plays I've ever seen.

The exact date has escaped my recollection, but I took my college-aged artist to see the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre perform Revelations. I've grown to appreciate all forms of dance, and other than my kid's first full piece of choreography, this was the most moving version of the form I've seen.

Lost to time, as well, the date of a holiday-time performance of Les Miserables, a huge, ambitious staging full of big sound, complex sets, and wild lighting. 

My wife and I saw Hamilton there in October 2022. It wasn't the room where it first happened, and it wasn't the original cast, but it was still unlike anything I've seen on stage before.

I hope very much to get back to that venerable building. But as long as That Fucking Guy has anything to do with it, I shan't lighten its doorstep. Like a great many things at the moment, it's a shame.

I can't believe we need a Paul Engelmayer tag

This is my third Paul Engelmayer post so I created a tag for him.  To recap, he's a judge in the Southern District of New York, which is the federal district court for Manhattan.  I've described his accomplishments previously.  On Saturday he granted a temporary restraining order requested by several state Attorneys General:

enjoining the defendants [Donald Trump and Scott Bessent] during the pendency of this action from granting to political appointees, special government employees, and any government employee detailed from an agency outside the Treasury Department access to Treasury Department payment systems or any other data maintained by the Treasury Department containing personally identifiable information .... 

It's pretty clear that Engelmayer's order bars appointees and employees from outside the Treasury Department--the part I bolded modifies the preceding three categories of people.  He then further clarified this statement by writing:

the defendants are (i) restrained from granting access to any Treasury Department payment record, payment systems, or any other data systems maintained by the Treasury Department containing personally identifiable information and/or confidential financial information of payees, other than to civil servants with a need for access to perform their job duties within the Bureau of Fiscal Services who have passed all background checks and security clearances and taken all information security training called for in federal statutes and Treasury Department regulations; (ii) restrained from granting access to all political appointees, special government employees, and government employees detailed from an agency outside the Treasury Department, to any Treasury Department payment record, payment systems, or any other data systems maintained by the Treasury Department containing personally identifiable information and/or confidential financial information of payees; and (iii) ordered to direct any person prohibited above from having access to such information, records and systems but who has had access to such information, records, and systems since January 20, 2025, to immediately destroy any and all copies of material downloaded from the Treasury Department’s records and systems, if any ....

Again, it's pretty clear that Engelmayer's order only applies to people outside of Treasury, and to people inside of Treasury who haven't gone through all the vetting and training required to handle confidential information.  And if these types of people have this particular confidential information, they should destroy it.

But we live in the dumbest timeline of the MAGA cinematic universe so stupidity ensued.  DOGE's doofus overlord called for him to be impeached.  Of course, Trump offered the opinion that Engelmayer is "crazy" for temporarily restraining an unelected, unconfirmed ketamine addict working at a fictional government department from having unfettered access to the United States' money supply.

And then there's this:

Tom Cotton and Adrian Vermeule got their undergraduate and law degrees at Harvard.  JD Vance graduated summa cum laude from Ohio State and got his JD at Yale.  All three of these guys can read and understand Engelmayer's order.  

They know it doesn't bar Bessent from accessing Treasury systems unless he hasn't completed the required background checks and training, in which case it likely maintains the status quo--you can't do that job and access all the secret stuff until you've completed all the security requirements.  

And they know this isn't judicial interference, it's a TRO.  It's temporary.  This means the requesting party showed they will suffer irreparable harm so the judge made the other party pause to maintain the status quo for a few days while we figure out what the hell is going on. 

Most importantly, they know this is exactly what the judiciary is supposed to do--determine what the law says and whether any particular act conflicts with it.  It's been this way for over 200 years, we learned that in high school.

These Ivy League schmucks need to watch more Schoolhouse Rock.

Or maybe they watched it and took the circus metaphor too far by staffing the endeavor with a bunch of clowns.  

Maybe I'm the clown.  Remember when I said elections have consequences?

Super Bowl Open Thread

Commence to talking about the large game before the concert below. 

 

Unsightly, Un-Saintly

[Ed. Note - As always, we cover the world's major sporting events like no other outlet. In that spirit, please enjoy our coverage of Super Bowl LIX, starting with this heartwarming tale from our Man in the Sand.]

In the realm of inconvenient news, the New Orleans Saints email dump is a dandy little listeria outbreak next to the food tent at the county fair. As the NFL and a sizeable chunk of the sports media world descended on the Crescent City for the Super Bowl, it was revealed that the Saints’ front office worked closely with the city’s Catholic church to minimize damage from a scandal involving predatory priests. Team officials regularly counseled church hierarchy on public relations efforts and were far more involved than they previously admitted, according to internal emails obtained by the Associated Press. 

The scandal came to light in 2018 when the Archdiocese of New Orleans released a list of priests accused of sexual abuse after hundreds of claims of molestation, many among minors and children, that stretched back decades. The AP first reported in 2020 that Saints’ officials had advised the archdiocese, but owner Gayle Benson denied that anyone associated with the franchise “made recommendations or had input” on the list of identified priests and had only minimal involvement. 

The Saints’ internal emails, however, reveal a year-long effort that included the names of priests on the list before they were made public, and the team president provided talking points and a list of questions that Archbishop Gregory Aymond should expect from reporters. Also, the team’s communications vice president regularly provided updates to his bosses about church business and interviews. He called in favors with local media and urged media members to “work with” the church during the scandal, while signaling that team and church leaders were aligned. 

After the AP’s current report, the Saints released a lengthy statement that criticized the media for using “leaked emails for the purpose of misconstruing a well-intended effort.” No one within the Saints’ organization condones or wants to cover up the abuse that occurred, the statement said, and any perceived partnership between the team and archdiocese no longer exists. Translation: You nosy snoops are being unfair to us about something that happened waaaaay back in the last decade. 

NFL commish Roger Goodell earlier this week essentially sidestepped the issue when asked about the report and the Saints’ more extensive role in the fallout of the scandal. He said that Benson and the Saints are very involved in the community and “great corporate citizens.” He mentioned Benson’s Catholic faith and deep church connections (Aymond introduced Benson to her husband and the team’s longtime owner, the late Tom Benson, and has been a frequent guest in the locker room and on the owners’ private jet).

 

Goodell said the matter was up to the FBI and local and national law enforcement, and he praised Benson’s transparency concerning the emails. “I leave it to (the Saints), but I am confident that they are playing nothing more than a supportive role to help be more transparent in circumstances like this.” 

Amid the remarks about transparency, he omitted the part where the Saints went to court to prevent their emails from becoming public. NFL teams engage in public relations in their sleep and forever attempt to finesse and manipulate the populace and its representatives – publicly financed stadia, tax breaks, sponsorships, media rights, broadcasting, licensing, merchandise. Some we see, much we don’t. It’s probably an upset that more ill-considered, if not disgusting, decisions and activities don’t come to light. 

The combination of great piles of money and civic adulation mostly keeps the expensive suits pointed in the same direction and minimizes boardroom pie fights. It’s reprehensible for an NFL franchise to help massage the image of an organization that covered up a sex abuse scandal it was aware of for years, but you knew this is how it would be dealt with. Goodell is nominally the commissioner, but the truth is that he works for the owners, and he isn’t about to say or do anything that might rankle the billionaires without permission. A largely compliant media will nibble around the edges of unpleasant topics but prefers to focus on things such as a Chiefs’ three-peat or The Legend of Saquon. 

In a just society, the Saints would be punished and vilified and held up as an object lesson in how not to behave. Instead, they’re lauded as “great corporate citizens” trying to lend support and beneficiaries of the notion that wealthy organizations must be protected and are more important than people. An NFL franchise and the Catholic church is one hell of a tag team. Would that either actually lived up to the image they project.