Sunday, September 11, 2016

#39 on Your Roster, But #1 in Your Heart

While this is not a 9/11 post, there is some discussion of religious belief and mind control, and I suppose you need both those things to convince 19 hijackers to fly planes into buildings. But let's go back to a simpler time, pre-9/11 . . . 1990.

It was my sophomore year at William and Mary, and Whitney, Rob and I liked to listen to Paul's Boutique. All the time. We had the luxury to do this because we skipped class. All the time.

Time was on our side. All the time.

One of the classes I skipped all the time was "American Cults, Sects, and Small Denominations." I took this class because I found cults and fringe-religions interesting. As a bonus, the class had the word "cult" in the title, and I loved the rock band The Cult. So I took this class despite that fact that it required some prerequisites (which I had not taken) and despite the fact that religion classes at W&M were notoriously difficult.

I didn't do my reading, nor did I attend class very much, and so I wasn't particularly surprised to receive a D- on the first test. As a bonus, the professor-- I can't remember his name-- gave us an extra piece of data along with our grade: your class rank on that particular test. I was #39 out of 42. I took solace in the fact that I wasn't dead last, but I never counted more than 39 students in class . . . so the other three students-- the students that finished below me-- could have been dead, comatose, or nonexistent (perhaps the professor didn't want me to have terrible self-esteem, so he invented three people to buffer me from the very bottom).

I took this low test ranking to heart-- as our grade would only comprise two tests and a final exam-- and so when the next exam approached, I was determined to study. I would do the reading, acquire the notes, and get my act together. This was the plan. Or it was the plan until someone told me something life-altering. Something that would literally alter the course of my life. What did this person tell me? She told me this: There's a hypnotist at the student center. People are gonna get mesmerized! Hypnotized! A once in a lifetime event.

I had a great time at the show. I tried my best to get hypnotized, but my hands didn't stick together. They felt a little tacky, but I was able to pull them apart. Other folks couldn't separate their fingers, and these people-- their hands stuck together with hypnotic crazy glue-- walked up to the stage. Within moments the hypnotist had them in his command. The enthralled students enacted a circus, saw aliens, and swooned when the word "lemon" was mentioned.

It was awesome to watch. I felt relaxed and energized. It was far more salubrious than studying. I went into the exam brimming with confidence-- I was calm, cool, and collected. I had an excess of mental energy. I had done no reading and I had perused no notes. Yet I was a ball of cognition, a flaming sphere of mental activity. The power of my mind had been released.

I believed this was all due to the hypnotism show at the student center.

Several weeks later, when I received this exam back, I was (mildly) shocked to find that I scored a D- again.  The mildness of the shock was due to the fact that I had inured myself to bad grades in the previous seven years. But I learned a lesson. Hypnotism is fun, but it's no substitute for reading the text, especially in an obtuse religion class. But while I was disappointed with my grade, I was oddly pleased by the fact that once more I was #39 out of 42 in the class ranking. It's always exciting to discover a pattern. And I still couldn't locate students 40-42.

Weeks passed. Whitney, Rob, and I memorized the lyrics to Paul's Boutique. We skipped class more than ever. Then it was time for the final exam, and I realized the gravity of my situation. I studied. I really did. I read some shit, and got a hold of some notes. I wrote a lot. And then I saw it. At the end of the exam, there was a spot where you had to verify your test scores during the semester. I smiled. I smiled knowingly. This was the perfect spot for me to plead my case and improve my grade. Who could resist my wit? My clever clever wit. I wrote "D-" and "D-" in the two grade slots, and I included my class ranking with each grade. I put the information in parentheses. Number 39 out of 42. Then I wrote:"Dave . . . number #39 on your roster, but #1 in your heart."

I received a D- for the course. I assume the professor just didn't get it. But I wish he could see me now . . . because The Test has just released two religious episodes. One is on cults, but no prerequisite podcasts are necessary to enjoy it. The other is about the Bible . . . mainly the Old Testament. This episode is as close as we've come to informative (although God has a couple of monologues that some folks might consider heretical). Check them out, keep score, and see if you can virtue signal your way through the pearly gates.




53 comments:

T.J. said...

Wife will be solo in Atlanta tonight for work trip. Any good bar/food recs for her?

rob said...

semi-heretical podcasts about religion are a pretty gheorghie way to pass 9/11. thanks, dave. you fucking infidel.

rob said...

this post also needs a dave parker pic

TR said...

I think Zman and I had similar collegiate motivation levels as you all.

At the end of my sophomore year, I had to fill out a form for the "yearbook" for the W&M undergrad business school. I had to go to the desk of the department admin to get the form and fill it out. The form asked for "full name" and "nickname". Because I was immature, I wrote my full formal name, and then wrote "Mad Dog" under nickname. The admin decided to highlight my immaturity by actually putting my name in the yearbook as Mad Dog.

One class, I got called on by a grizzled old teacher who was using that yearbook as a guide to learn students' names. He visibly stumbled when it came to saying my name and a couple kids laughed, knowing why. I got a C in that class.

Smartassery rarely paid off at W&M.

TR said...

I forgot to add that a future minority owner of the Dodgers and a bunch of other Lambos were in that class. They all aced it b/c they had a good test file, and b/c they cheated. It was nice to see that ruthlessness in its early stages.

Dave said...

i wish i had a cool business school nickname like "mad dog."

did you know dave parker's nickname was "the cobra"? that's what wikipedia says. i did not know that. if i did, i would have worked it into the post (since i had that horrible snake tattoo under the cult tattoo)

zman said...

I wish we had a test file.

rob said...

that's pretty common knowledge among sports fans of a certain age, dave. pretty poor effort on your part.

mayhugh said...

This JAX game is spirited. I'm having fun.

Clarence said...

Wasn't Rob Green #39 in the NFL?

rob said...

indeed

rob said...

so if the correct ruling in the cmu/ok state game is that the game should've ended on the ok state grounding penalty, why can't the powers that be just say that the game was over at that point and the game-winning hail mary never happened? seems a really easy solution.

zman said...

Cincy called that TO too early. Jest have almost a minute to get a FG.

zman said...

Never mind.

Mark said...

Pretty cool of ESPN to have their fantasy football app shit the bed on the first day of the season.

On the bright side, Jameis was really, really good today.

Heirloom Market is always a good dining option in Atlanta, TJ.

T.J. said...

Gracias. I just googled and it is unfortunately closed today.

Mark said...

Shit. Sorry.

Clarence said...

Atkins Park was where a Chris Chandler lookalike was spotted.

Front Page News
Star Bar
Smiths Olde

T.J. said...

Thank ye

Clarence said...

Why Dez is a douche... He knew it wasn't a catch. He could have told his coach that it was coming back so they could prepare for the next play. Instead he high fived everyone on the team and danced. Me. Me. Me.

zman said...

Wawrinka is hitting the ball about as hard as anyone I've ever seen right now.

zman said...

He just took five games in a row off Djokovic. How often does that happen?

rob said...

why is he dressed like an old man on holiday in dover?

zman said...

He's been wearing that wack outfit all tournament. It's atrocious. I blame Yonex.

zman said...

Wawrinka looks like he just played five sets while Djokovic isn't sweating. I think he rope a doped Stan.

Clarence said...

Cowboys with piss poor clock management. Love it.

Dave said...

cowboys pull a 2015 giants

zman said...

Or perhaps not.

Mark said...

Just a couple days ago I said that the NFL is often boring (which is true) but then today comes around. There's tons of football on and much of it is exciting and entertaining. I'll believe football is dead when it happens.

TR said...

I hear ya Mark, but then I see the Cardinals get punished for a "coordinated celebration dance", and I mutter "oh brother" under my breath.

Whitney said...

In my life, the finality of things saddens me. Never more so than when I have to accept that I will never again enjoy the company of friends. On this 15th anniversary of the [expletive of your choice here] of September 11, 2001, I remember my friends Mark Ludvigsen and Mike Edwards, and with that I also get sad to remember one more that I will never see them again in this life.

I am going to a remembrance next Saturday for a good old friend I met when I was 9 who died last week. That horrible feeling has set in again. I will never enjoy his company again, and it was good company.

In a segue for which I should be punched in the face more than once, I'm also a little sad to think that I will, in all likelihood, never ever again be in a small room with Dave and Rob, listening to Paul's Boutique straight through with an array of malt liquor and honky dance moves.

Dave and Rob, if you haven't grown too old, too cool, too mature, or too busy to do so, I suggest we defy those odds and get fun-ky. Challenge extended.

Mark said...

Well, TR. You are correct. Because I went out of my way to bitch to my wife about that exact penalty and how fucking stupid it was for those grown men (some which might literally kill themselves playing football) to be penalized for a 2 second dance/

zman said...

I said "cmon son" when collinsworth said "that's the call" regarding the dancing penalty.

Whitney said...

You are his zdaddy

Danimal said...

I'm flying to Fort Lauderdale and half of my flight is filled with Peeeacker fans. And they are so damn chummy with one another. Annoying.

Clarence said...

Hello hello hello
Is there anybody in there
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home?

rootsminer said...

There's a Zman posting on whiteblaze.net of some upcoming backcountry excursions in Georgia. I think I'm safe to assume it's not the Zman we all know and love here, right?

zman said...

'Tis not. My excursions largely involve the great indoors.

Clarence said...

Comment #39

Dave, did you ever fail a class in college?

TR said...

Charles Woodson going ascot in the pre game!

You bet your ascot he is. Ridiculous look. Even Dallas Braden thinks he's trying too hard.

mr kq said...

How we feeling about the game tonight Clarence? I'm feeling pretty good and this DC Brau Corruption can only help things.

Dave said...

i am willing to re-memorize paul's boutique lyrics for next year's obft. i a sure whit still knows them all, he's got a brain like an elephant. i will eschew the easy joke here.

and i never failed a class at w&m. remarkable.

zman said...

The ascot would be cool if Woodson was 30-40 years older. You have to be elderly to pull that off.

Mark said...

Larry Fitzgerald is an ascot guy. One of the few things I don't like about him.

Marls said...

The Mr. Furley scarf would be cool.

Squeaky said...

/start rant about family How asinine is it for my brother, who barely spoke to my dad in the last 6 months, to ask for his phone number to chat with him after he had a stroke that pretty much made his speech undecipherable? I can't describe the amount of words that this is fucking stupid /end rant Not a post for sympathy, just outrage.

Riggins was an ascot guy.

https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1979&dat=19840117&id=_ZAiAAAAIBAJ&sjid=6a0FAAAAIBAJ&pg=5109,2021796


TR said...

Cousins' football IQ is very low.

Danimal said...

As is Berman ' s grooming iq.

Deer Hunter on my hotel telly. Meryl Streep was sneaky sexy.

TR said...

Meryl showed a boobie in Silkwood. Movie was not sexy.

The dye jobs on Berman and Young are preposterous.

Rams are poop.

Marls said...

Watching people board a plane you can make a case for forced sterilization.

zman said...

Air travel is miserable.

rob said...

good morning from dulles airport. air travel is awesome, if you're into pushy, self-important washingtonians shoving their way to the front of the crowded cattle car/people mover.

Clarence said...

Squeaker, good luck not only with the family health crisis, but with family management. Went through a couple instances of people head-scratchingly defying expected mores when dealing with our own issues here. My reaction mirrored yours.