Monday, July 02, 2012

You Need Us On That Wall

While most of our readers are removing storm debris, vacationing in various bastions of elitism, arguing that John Roberts is a patriot and/or traitor, or otherwise engaged, we remain vigilant against mankind's most existential threat.

To wit, a pair of stories crossed our desk over the past several weeks, one seemingly humorous, the other portrayed as scientifically significant, and both portending grave danger.

First, the not-at-all sensationalist keepers of the journalistic flame at Huffington Post uncovered a gem of a science story from our friends across the pond. Seems the EU Commission, um, commissioned a video to get girls more engaged in science. The video's dated visuals and Thomas Dolby-esque theme are enough to make us renounce single-payer healthcare, but the insidious threat in this story comes from a correction to the original HuffPo story, as follows:

CORRECTION: A previous version of this story incorrectly referred to the large hadron collider as a large "hardon" collider. Unfortunately, that's not what it is.



It thinks humor is the way in, friends. If we laugh at the little 'hardon collider', we won't pay attention to its nefarious designs, will we? Stay strong, friends. Laughter is what it wants from you. Laughter, and just a few of your atoms. At first.

Later, Talking Points Memo noted that the CERN scientists doing the LHC's bidding hope to announce that they've found the Higgs Boson on July 4. I know what you're thinking: what the fuck is a Higgs Boson, and does it have anything to do with Magnum, P.I.? That's what they want you to think, rather than focusing on the fact that they're preparing to make an announcement on America's Independence Day. While we're celebrating our Americanness by gorging on processed meats and blowing shit up, they'll be doing European sciency stuff.

While you're half in the bag trying not to blow your fingers off, I'll be manning the LHC task force hotline. You can thank me later.  

38 comments:

zman said...

Summer of rob.

zman said...

In my limited time in laboratories, I do not recall ever seeing long-legged young women sashaying around in sassy clothes and high heels. The safety glasses look about right though.

Shlara said...

This video is funny--shared it with a few people in the office.

And, I think Dwight Howard is a d-bag. His behavior last season and now in the FA signing period is disgusting. He's acting like a petulant child. Mark, you're better off without him in Orlando. The Nets are going to have a serious head-case on their hands with him.

TR said...

Lost in the FA noise is what a disaster the Houston Rockets are turning into. Moray has been churning his roster to try to position himself to get a superstar for a couple years now. It's like he and Bill Simmons get drunk together and play with ESPN's NBA trade machine.

T.J. said...

"shifty europeans" is an under-utilized label.

Danimal said...

very strange. i had a dream last night that had me in some sort of social setting with a few pals, maybe playing golf. i was introduced to one bill simmons, the bill simmons and we became fast friends. that's my story.

Dave said...

still suffering from italy's loss yesterday-- there's no way i'm going to get to work on whether or not the higgs boson will cause the universe to implode on itself.

Marls said...

Pour a little out for Walter J Zable...

Jerry said...

Nets take:

If the Nets get Dwight they're a legitimate contender. That big 3 is as close as you can get to Miami and they have a much better #4 in Gerald Wallace. Even with no depth, they're on the short list with Miami and OKC.

If they don't get Dwight, the trade for Joe Johnson means the Nets are becoming the Hawks and the Hawks are on their way to becoming the Nets. It's a win-win. BK will top out in Hawks territory, mid-range playoffs. That works for them because they've sucked for so long and moderate success is beneficial to the franchise. The Hawks are sick of being the Hawks and want to tear it down and rebuild. They won't get as bad as the Nets were, but they wouldn't mid sinking down the standings quite a bit.

Shlara said...

How about my BF Danny Ferry with the strong moves in the first two days of free agency?

rob said...

where is summer dave?!?

zman said...

I was going to write a post about Kanye's new G.O.O.D. Music song "New God Flow" and how it samples the shit out of "Mighty Healthy" and then work in a Jack Urbont Ain't Nothing ta Fuck Wit angle but I can't find an embedable verion of the song so I said the hell with it.

Greg said...

My take: Dwight Howard is a huge douche and I would like to see him traded to any team BUT the Nets. Especially a sucky team.

zman said...

Dwight Howard, Steve Nash, and Ray Allen should all take pay cuts to join the Heat so that they can win a ring.

Whitney said...

Potential post fodder: I am going to see the Beach Boys in Virginia Beach tonight, so I will be fairly close to good ol' Mike Love.

TR said...

If you gave me $100 and a free great seat to the Beach Boys, I think I'd decline. I'd need at least $200.

Whitney said...

Yeah, they're as played as you can get, but there are two things which lead me to the show tonight, and I'll comment on them tomorrow.

zman said...

What two things could lead Whit to a Beach Boys show?

rob said...

that answer is self-evident, zed man.

TR said...

3 yrs / $20 mm for Landry Fields is almost as ludicrous as 3 yrs / $25 mm for Omer Asik. There are a lot of dumb-ass GMs spending like drunken sailors.

TR said...

Asik's defining trait is that he looks like the kid with the blond mullet from the West Memphis Three.

Jerry said...

Complicated Canadian conspiracy theory on the Fields contract:

Toronto wants Nash badly. Knicks are one of the other major suitors. For NYK to make a competitive offer to Nash, they needed to do a sign and trade with Phoenix. Fields was the likely candidate to go to the Suns in that deal.

I don't fully understand the mechanics, but that's what people are saying.

Jerry said...

So basically the Raptors are trying to pay almost $60 million over 3 years to get Nash.

Asik got overpaid, but losing him is going to hurt Chicago. Rose gets all the credit, but a major strength for the Bulls is their deep big man rotation. Asik is a monster defensively and when he was out there with Gibson, they were impossible to score on.

Mark said...

I'd rather spend the money on Asik then Fields. Asik is 23 and one of the best defensive centers in the league. It's too much, obviously but you generally have to overpay for size in the NBA. And it's only a 3 year deal. It won't kill the Rockets forever.

Mark said...

You're right on Fields too, Jerry. This deal makes it much harder to the Knicks to make Nash any type of competitive offer. I'm not sure why the Knicks are going after Nash though. Does Dolan realize he fired D'Antoni?

Mark said...

Finally, even if they don't get Dwight (and I don't think they will), the Joe Johnson trade makes the Nets somewhat viable. Johnson gets a lot of shit but he never had a decent PG in Atlanta and had to create most of his offense (and plenty for his teammates) on his own. He's getting up there (31) but I like the tandem of he and Deron Williams in the backcourt together.

As for Howard, he's an immature guy getting terrible advice from the people he presumably pays to advise him. Not many more ways he can make himself look worse. If the best offer Orlando can get is the reported New Jersey offer, they should just let him walk in free agency. There is no sense in tying up their cap room with a bunch of average to below average players. Clear the cap space from Dwight and start over. Better to bottom up right away than to wallow in mediocrity for a few years.

rob said...

in related news, my 15 year-old nephew just posted a picture of the new nets warmup jacket he bought while visiting nyc. black with 'brooklyn' in white lettering with a white nets logo. it's badass. hoping i can have it when he outgrows it.

zman said...

I still maintain that they should change the name to the swagger, hustle, or Ballers. The nets belong in the Teaneck armory.

rob said...

prezbo from 'the wire' is at the brewster whitecaps game i'm attending this evening, pushing a kid in a stroller. just another dadschmuck like the rest of us.

Mark said...

I'd have liked to see the Nets change the name (though I do appreciate holding on to the ABA roots) to go with the move to Brooklyn. Not sure about Z's suggestions though.

Jerry said...

How about no name? Just "Brooklyn".

That's a decent enough team shaping up. Not title contenders unless they get Dwight, but good enough to be interesting.

zman said...

Brooklyn Queens?

zman said...

Seriously though, if they were the hustle then their anthem would be "can't knock the hustle" which works well with their ownership situation.

Mark said...

I'm now sold on Hustle. Even if it does make them sound like a WNBA team.

rob said...

how does eric gordon get a max deal?

zman said...

The Brooklyn Knights? The Brooklyn Bridges? The Brooklyn Deckers?

TR said...

I think you can find a body that does a serviceable job of replacing Asik for a lot less moolah.

The Deron signing is huge for Brooklyn. I think they are now the best team in NY by far.

rob said...

the knicks have reportedly signed the higgs boson to a mid-level exception