Dave: Scientists often refer to you as "the God particle." Are you okay with this? Do you think it's blasphemous? Unwarranted? Accurate?
Higgs Boson: More like the goddamned particle! Ha! Watch me now!
At this point in the interview, Mr. Boson-- who was perched on my notepad-- disappeared from view and reappeared on the left buttock of an attractive French woman in a short skirt. She jumped, spun around, and looked crossly at me. I shrugged my shoulders and pointed to the Higgs Boson on her ass, but by this time Mr. Boson had teleported himself deep into the cleavage of another attractive woman, so it appeared as if I was simply pointing at this French woman's curvaceous bottom. She stomped off. The Higgs Boson then reappeared on my notebook again.
Dave: Can you please not do that again? That was very embarrassing and I can't teleport.
Higgs Boson: It's in my nature! I'm all boson! Hung heavy, baby, hung heavy!
Dave: I hear you've been working on a memoir. Can you give us a preview?
Higgs Boson: I tell all! All! And I have been around. I have been in a million billion places at once! I am gravity-- if you see what I mean-- and I have seen the effects of gravity. It's not pretty, to see what happens to a nice rack over time, but I can put it forward or in rewind. The same with a behind! Make you lose your mind. Live in all times. I am swine! Goddamned!
Dave: Are you pleased that the "standard theory" seems complete now? Are you proud to be the final part and particle?
Higgs Boson: The only thing standard about my theory is that I like a nice round ass!
Dave: That doesn't make any sense. You don't make any sense.
Higgs Boson: Doesn't matter because I'm large! Famous for being famous! That's how I like it! And I am outey!
After that last remark, the Higgs Boson disappeared in a puff of smoke, but I consider myself lucky to have had a conversation this long with him. Perhaps the next time he appears, I can ask him whether the universe will expand forever, dying of entropic heat loss, or if it will implode back on itself, triggering another big bang . . . which is something I often wonder about when I'm sitting on the john.
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16 comments:
Summer Dave, back with a vengeance...
i knew that little bastard was a menace
The Higgs Boson sounds like Joyner.
if child #3 had been born yesterday, and a male, "boson" would have leapt to the front of the possible names line.
Higgs boson = Burma Jones.
So Dave, the Higgs Boson, and Matthew Clemmens order a drink in a bar . . .
so there's some other "interviews" with the higgs boson floating around the internet, but they don't seem to be the same higgs-boson that i interviewed. they seem lame and ersatz. i think they're made up!
I'd say they were shallow and pedantic.
prezbo and his family just parked their beach gear 10 feet from me and mine. now who's the stalker? i keep waiting for him to ask, 'hey, are you rob from gheorghe: the blog?'.
I think he'll ask "Is your name rob from Gheorge?" and you'll say "Nah mine's Clarence." Just sayin.
It's good to be Rob heh? Hopefully your nips aren't still bleeding.
are you talking about prezbo from the wire?
no, prezbo from phineas and ferb
Jason Kidd is a Knick?
But he's only locked up for 3 years. Should be exciting to watch him in the spring of 2015.
The Nats game tonight was f-ing awesome. And I'm not a baseball person.
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