Gheorghe was asked back by the Extrapolator crew to contribute to this week's Voodoo Sabermetrics post. Gheorghe happily accepted.This week's victim: 23-year-old Philadelphia Phillies lefty Colbert Michael "Cole" Hamels. Unfortunately, Delmon Young was unavailable to help me this week, so I had to go it alone. My sections - Atomic Number and Exposure. What that really means I don't know. I do know I am completely unqualified for this, but that's never stopped me before. And away we go...
Atomic Number (or Chemistry, if you prefer)
Hmmm, let's go with Polonium, Atomic Number 84. Yeah, that seems like a good choice (by the way, I just looked at a Periodic Table for the first time in 12 years...truly exciting stuff). Polonium is apparently hot enough scientists have pondered using it to heat spacecrafts. It's powerful (and deadly enough) Russian dissidents have been silenced by it (Alexander Litvinenko). Sounds like Cole Hamels to me. Charlie Manuel is praying Hamels is hot enough and powerful enough to support a rotation in shambles (just look at the starters in the Phils/Mets series this weekend). Hamels is one of the best young pitchers in baseball. He's currently 2nd in the NL in Ks (116), 3rd in Wins (9...first to 9 wins actually) and CGs (2) and 9th in IP (111.2). In April, he struck out 15 Reds in a complete game five-hitter. He had a perfect game through seven in May against the Brewers, and ended up striking out 11. Yes, the kid's smoking...
...and yes, it does need to be addressed, the female population seems to find him smoking hot. On that front, it seems young Mr. Hamels is so hot the ladies at "The Ladies..." can't even decide who gets to bed him first. I believe Clare has first dibs on Cole, but it's hard to tell (I have a strange feeling Clare might expound on this today).
Exposure
Not an issue for this kid at all. Apparently, since Hamels was called up, he has had numerous fan clubs in the stands, going by various names, including "The Cole Patrol", "The Cole Mine" and "The Cole Train" (hell, it's Philly, these could be the same clowns each game and they just can't decide on a consistent name). Even more importantly, Cole Hamels has joined Chuck Norris and Tim Tebow (and I'm sure many more) as objects of over-the-top internet affections via the "fun fact" website. I'll leave you with just a few of my favorite Cole Hamels Facts:
**When Cole Hamels is on the mound digging in his glove, he is really just text messaging Tony Danza.
**Cole Hamels knocked down the Berlin Wall. With a change-up.
**Cole Hamels once saddled Jesus Christ with the dreaded "Golden Sombrero." He came within one strike of doing the same to God.
**Cole Hamels isn't left-handed, he's bored.
Posts
63 comments:
I would also like to think the last Voodoo Sabermetrics post contributed to Da Meat Hook making the NL All Star team...yep, that must've been it.
So, when do we really find out why Mike Hargrove resigned?
Remember Luis Polonium? He spent over a decade in the majors, but we found out later he really preferred his time in the minors.
Nicely done sir...nicely done.
I can't wait for ESPN's summer series, "Scott Proctor's Glove is Burning".
My initial reaction to ESPN's "Who's Now" segment is that I enjoy it about as much as I do pink eye. I know it's eventually going to go away, but while it's here it's making me hate life.
ESPN always seems to use the dead period of summer sports ot promote some inane and completely useless on-going feature (Anybody remember "50 States in 50 Days"). It's maddening that they think anybody is interested in this sort of thing, much less a preview show of the "Who's Now?" brackets.
Let's roll 'em out--worst ESPN sportscenter time killer segments. I'll start with "Who's Now," "I Wish" and that one where Steve Phillip's hosted fake press conferences as the supposed GM of every team. As a guy who follows baseball about as closely as TJ does politics, I briefly thought Steve Phillips was changing jobs at an alarming rate, like a supercharged Larry Brown.
that awful game show with teammates as contestants made my eyes bleed.
Don't forget the corpses they dragged out a few years ago from the original SportsCenters...that one chick looked like Orca.
Oh, and to Mark's point, that "Who's Now" Bracket Preview show with Stu Scott, Gottlieb and Michael Smith was fucking brutal.
Anything featuring a Chris Connelly voice-over.
you all realize, of course, that none of you are the audience for this crap, right? they know you're already hooked on the crack rock that is american sport and further know that they can jerk off in your face and you'll keep coming back. that fluffernonsense is their attempt to hook a whole new segment of the population.
ESPN is jerking off in my face? Will someone please ask them to try to keep it out of my hair? Thanks in advance.
did i take the crack whore metaphor a bit far?
ESPN is stabbing the American sports enthusiasts in the balls with their shit programming.
You mean like Stabbing robot?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sOFA8TGb2f4
In Simmons chat there is a discussion of "Most Awkward Song to Get a Lap Dance To" with some excellent suggestions - "Mr. Roboto", and "Everybody Hurts" by REM were the best I've heard. I'll throw out "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLaughlin as being decidedly awkward, as would "MmmmBop" by Hanson. Any others come to mind?
"Africa" by Toto
Thinking of getting a lap dance to Mr. Roboto has me laughing uncontrollably. "Everything I Do I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams would also be good times.
Anything by Jack Wagner would seem to fit the category.
Also, since ESPN is in a sort of "dead zone", in the summer, it wouldn't kill them to add some reporting/highlights from sports not followed in the states: like rugby, Aussie Rules, cricket and foreign soccer leagues (though they're doing more of that).
'brick' by the ben folds five would be awwwwkward.
Greg, sounds like you need some ESPN Deportes.
"Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash?
"Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats. here's a link to the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcOZ6xFxJqg
"Step by Step" by NKOTB.
"Mother" by Danzig
I think "Mother" wins. This is a great game.
"Rooster" by Alice in Chains.
The Living Years by Mike & the Mechanics.
"mother", by the police
Anything Whitney likes...
Someone else proposed The Living Years during Simmons chat. What about this song for a lapper?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVS3QqrXhD8
I'm embarrassed at how hard I'm laughing at my own joke right now.
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship
OR
"I Think We're Alone Now" by Tiffany (for use in the champagne room)
Teejay, the "Yakety Sax" music from the link Geoff just posted was what I kept humming over and over that night in New Orleans when I showed up for the fancy dinner absolutely hammered and got seated at the table next to Vidal Sassoon and thought he looked like the little old guy from Benny Hill so every time anyone would look in his direction I'd provide soundtrack music.
And much like Geoff now, I found it funniest of all.
I also believe it is Geoff's cell phone ring for when I call him, which makes both your story and that video even funnier.
I'm not getting ANY work done today. I've just got a Yakety Sax lap dance running in my head and I can't stop laughing. And you know how I like to laugh.
OK, it's 4:52...the day is almost done...we are declaring the winner "Yakety Sax"
...and now I can't stop laughing...
...still laughing...
any of you think you could do this:
http://withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=3260
Looks like the Magic have agreed to a max contract with Rashard Lewis. Yipee!!!
Yikes.
It’s as if they’ve enjoyed the Hedo Turkoglu experience so much that they figured they’d upgrade while wildly overpaying to do so.
per kyle whelliston's mid-major hoops chat yesterday, "william & mary won't embarrass themselves".
that would be a nice change.
Speaking of embarassing yourself, well, enjoy...
http://slamonline.com/online/2007/07/the-stephon-marbury-video/
late to the conversation, but Rooster would be a fine song for a lapper.
In your distinguished playing career, can we assume you've had the pleasure of a "Rooster" lapper?
I would guesstimate that no one in our peer group has expereicned more lappers that michael j.
He's our Pete Rose in that regard.
You mean because of his proclivity for sports gambling and his spectacularly well-defined hairline?
Tonight, the Nats (losers of 6 of their last 7 games) are sending Tim Redding to the mound...the same Tim Redding who didn't pitch at all in 2006 and threw 31 total innings in 2005. Yep, that should go well...
I am still laughing at this line delivered yesterday halfway through the Chestnut/Kobayashi epic battle:
"If Joey Chestnut wins this thing, you google 'American Hero' tomorrow and you'll find Abe Lincoln, Neil Armstrong, Taylor Hicks and Joey Chestnut."
i like the line about that being the greatest achievement in the history of american sport.
I heard the word "valor" thrown around as well.
Whoever that broadcaster was should be sitting alongside Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler doing WWE events.
By the way, when I titled this post I had no clue Lenny Harris was the interim hitting coach of the Nats.
A guy from work went to the contest and said that it was a clear conspiracy by the ESPN producers that Chestnut won. He said that they both tied at the end with 63 hot dogs, but after the commercial break, suddenly Chestnut had eaten 66 hot dogs.
He also said that the ESPN producers completely ruined the competition by telling everyone when to clap and where to stand.
Reason #1,478,069 to hate ESPN.
sounds a lot like the way mtv ruined a perfectly good naughty by nature/primus spring break show.
There are countless ways that ESPN and MTV are two peas in a pod these days, and not one of them is positive.
The time is now. The public is ready. There has to arise a fledgling sports cable channel for people that really just want the sports. Someone just offering something more pure, more like ESPN used to be -- a station not looking to topple the "Worldwide Leader."
Yet.
I'm a huge fan of the NFL Network. They just show NFL stuff and cut out all the crap.
Whitney - G:TB is that channel. Wait... we just spent hours discussing bad lap dance songs. Maybe not.
Look out, that's going to be a summer segment on ESPN soon.
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