You take the good, you take the bad...

You take them both, and there you have,
The NL West, The NL West...

Humor me this morning, and try to think of the National League West as the Eastland School for Young Women (trust me, this worked in my head...and some credit, or blame, for this post must be given to Whit)

San Diego Padres, 48-40
They won this atrocious division last year and they're leading this slightly less atrocious division at the All-Star Break, so by default the Padres step into Charlotte Rae's (smelly) shoes as the kind and understanding Mrs. Garrett. The rest of the division looks up to these guys (literally), despite their obvious offensive deficiencies, and when the Giants are about to have their Eastland scholarship revoked, who do you think they turn to? That's right, the always-there-for you Padres. Despite whatever I say in the next few paragraphs, my pick to win the NL West is still the Padres, but it sure ain't because they hit the ball well. The pitching staff is first in the National League in ERA, Shutouts and Batting Average Against. That's a recipe for success. You could fill out a lineup card with 9 Rick Allens and still manage back-to-back division titles.

[All-Star Game Observation #1 - Nice of Cousin Eddie to lend Alex Rodriguez his shoes for the game.]

Los Angeles Dodgers, 46-42, 2 GB
This one is WAY too easy. Let's see...wealthy, attractive and spoiled - hmmm, no doubt the Dodgers bump Lisa Whelchel and play Blair Warner in the 2007 Lifetime Channel "Fats of Life" Reunion Special. It's not mentioned too often, because folks are often blinded by the Yankees $200 million payroll, but the Dodgers dropped $100 million on this team...and for that they get a team 4 games above .500 in a piss-poor division? If you ask me that's a travesty. No matter how many runs Nomar Hamm and the lineup post, there is no chance a pitching staff running Aaron Sele and Mark Hendrickson out there is going to win a division. And let's not even get into their terrible fan base...

Colorado Rockies, 44-43, 3.5 GB
Ah yes, the upstart Rockies, still relatively new to the division...plump and impressionable, but sneaky impressive, just like Natalie Green (Mindy Cohn). The young Rockies hitters certainly do gobble up pitching the way Natalie did cupcakes, but much like that wide load there is too much extra baggage for the Rocks to make the leap this year. HOWEVAH, you keep this nucleus of Matt Holliday, Brad Hawpe, Garrett Atkins and even Clint Barmes together for a few years, toss in a few more arms like Jason Jennings and Jeff Francis who can handle pitching in Colorado, and you're looking at the (ice) cream of the crop in the '08 NL West.

[All-Star Game Observation #2 - Brian Fuentes has a face that would make Seal blush, if Seal can even blush.]

San Francisco Giants, 45-44, 3.5 GB
I'm letting the Giants play Jo Polniaczek because of the amazing similarities between Nancy McKeon's character and Mr. Barry Bonds...namely the "maintaining a tough exterior to hide insecurities" part. And, of course, by insecurities I mean "rampant steroid use". But, unlike Jo, who managed bigger and better things after Eastland (Langley College), Barry Bonds is going down, and soon, and he's taking his whole team with him. You think things got ugly with Jason Grimsley and the Diamondbacks (more on that in a moment), just wait until the Bonds shit hits the fans. Any chance we can bring "Bonds on Bonds" back for a series (re: career) finale?

[All-Star Game Observation #3 - Derrick Turnbow is most definitely a Jim Henson creation, perhaps from the Dark Crystal days.]

Arizona Diamondbacks, 43-45, 5 GB
The Diamondbacks get to don some rollerskates and take on Kim Fields' role of Dorothy "Tootie" Ramsey, mainly because she was the show's resident gossip, and Jason Grimsley easily surpassed any damage Tootie's loose lips might've caused Mrs. Garrett and the girls. Formerly the division leader, Grimsley's affidavit torpedoed an otherwise surprising run to the playoffs for Arizona. And you know some of the guys left in that clubhouse are praying those names don't get released...Hi Luis! The best reality show on TV this summer won't be "America's Got Talent" - it's going to be the circus surrounding the bottom-feeding Giants and Diamondbacks as the steroid saga (finally) publicly destroys several big-time baseball players. And I'll be watching.

There's a time you gotta go and show, You're growin' now,
You know about The NL West, the NL West...