A Tale of Douchebaggery

"It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times."

December 20, 2004 - Despite being regarded as one of baseball's better GMs (we will not be discussing the Kei Igawa signing today), Brian Cashman swigs a bottle of Nyquil, scans the available free agent pitchers, and is awestruck by the 3.00 ERA and 18-8 record of 28-year-old Carl Pavano, a man once traded for Pedro Martinez (big whoop, he also was traded for Cliff Floyd and Guerrero black sheep family member Wilton). Cashman, obviously high on crack, ignores the fact that Pavano was a sub-.500 pitcher with an ERA closer to 5.00 than 4.00 in his previous 6 big league seasons and signs him to a 4 yr/$39.95 million deal (don't say $40 mil or Carl will get upset).

How has his Yankees career turned out so far? Rather than force a bad analogy on you (probably involving Carrot Top or Pauly Shore), I'll let you decide for yourself:

2005: 17 GS, 4-6 record, 4.77 ERA, 1.47 WHIP
Hmmm, not a great start. Why all the missed games you say? This year he was gone by June with a bum shoulder. Frail doesn't even begin to describe Carl.

2006: 0 GS...what a dick
A misprint you say? Nope. Carl "bruised his buttocks" (I wish I was making that up) in a spring training game and provided ZERO to the Yankees rotation in 2006. He also managed to break two ribs in a car crash during the summer, and waited until the week he was finally supposed to start a game to tell the Yankees.

2007: 2 GS, 1-0, 4.76 ERA, 1.24 WHIP
A work in progress. Well, no, a complete debacle in progress. Is he hurt? Is he faking it? The New York Times claims "Many in the organization believe Carl Pavano wants to have reconstructive surgery even though his elbow may not be damaged enough to require it." This guy is the definition of soft. When Mike Mussina is giving you shit and calling you "American Idle", you know there are problems.

By my count, that is 5 wins as a Yankee, or just under $8 million a win. If the Kevin Brown and Chan Ho Park contracts never happen, I contend Pavano's deal would have to be regarded as the worst contract ever given a pitcher.

Since I, like Carl, haven given up on his 2007 season, I eagerly await the 2008 Carl Pavano Adventure (if he ever pitches for the Yanks again) about as much as I await the release of yet another Larry the Cable Guy movie. Lucky for me, that film opens today (honestly, who greenlights shit like Delta Farce?) Carl plans on attending the premiere with his smoking hot girlfriend, and blowing out his knee squeezing into the aisle middle seat.

"It is a far, far better thing that I (never) do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better (DL) rest that I go to than I have ever known."

Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.

Is it possible for Howard Kurtz to be any more lame?

CNNWASHPOST HOWARD KURTZ: A lot of people have picked up on your description in the memos to your bureau chief of that conversation -- "It was on double super secret background." What did that mean?

TIME MATT COOPER: Well, Howie, I can now reveal that it was a joke. Karl Rove, when we had the conversation, wanted it to be on deep background, which I took to mean I could use the material but not quote it directly, and certainly not attribute it, that I had to protect the identity of my source. When I wrote the note to my bureau chief, just moments after the conversation with Rove, in a slightly playful way, I echoed the line in the movie "Animal House," where John Belushi's wild fraternity is put on double secret probation. So it was a little bit of humor.

* Call me crazy, but I would classify this as Must See TV:
Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith will premiere Monday, August 1 at 6:30 p.m. on ESPN2. The one-hour weekday show will deliver a daily dose of sports news, opinions, issues and headlines in front of a live studio audience in New York City.

* GTB is quite the clearinghouse of crap on Mondays eh? How about Al Leiter last night boys and girls? Impressive indeed - I am sure Jack McKeon was swearing profusely at Al (see, the 6pm first pitch means Jack got to watch 6 innings or so before lights out at Del Boca Vista). Speaking of ex-Marlin pitchers:
Actress Alyssa Milano , who previously dated Carl Pavano, is now with Dodgers and ex-Marlins pitcher Brad Penny, according to numerous reports in L.A. (Post-Pavano, she dated Oakland's Barry Zito.)

* Oh...if you didn't get to Wedding Crashers this weekend...get there ASAP. You will not be disappointed.

Because I’m tired of looking at...

...LeVar Burton, I figured I'd submit my first candidate to replace "Don't Cry For Me" Mike Mussina in the Yankees rotation (despite what Mike thinks of himself**, he is going to get replaced...at this point, even Carl Pavano looks like a decent alternative). On the plus side, Jimmy the Greek said that since this candidate is Hispanic he'll be good at baseball. Of course, on the flip side, candidate numero uno will most likely get tossed from virtually every game he plays in due to the oil and lotion that drips on the ball each inning. Enjoy the bullpen Moose...

**Mussina's ego might even be bigger than his ERA. When the New York Times questioned Musina about possibly being replaced in the rotation, his retort was "Who are they going to replace me with?"

The Yankees season depends on THIS guy

I hate you so much, A.J. Burnett. I think I hate you as much as I hate Javier Vazquez AND Carl Pavano. This image seemed fitting, A.J. choking himself out...good warm up photo for what will surely be a Game 4 to remember, one way or the other. F U pal.

Oh yeah, hi rob!

Who thought this was a good idea?

The guys sitting in for Mike and Mike are currently interviewing Hakeem Olajuwon. You cannot understand a single word he says. Not one word. I am serious. I might've been able to understand Mutombo more than this.

The Yankees are a terribly mediocre squad, and Carl Pavano decided to take some heat off Randy last night by also sucking balls. Speaking of Yankee pitchers driving me crazy, where the hell is Jaret Wright? Witness protection?

The Starbucks "Hank" ad is pretty good, but it can't hold the jock of the "Glen" ad...everyone together now..."Glen's the man, going to work...He's got his tie, got ambition..."

Whitney, you still owe me a case of Coors Light.

Don't forget to go see Rebound...Rated PG...July 1st...

Spurs/Pistons, Game 7 tonight. This has all the makings...

Didn't I see this the first time, when it was called The Hollywood Minute?
THE SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE (A.K.A. GONE HOLLYWOOD) (Comedy Central) - The cable channel has given a 13-episode order to a new weekly half-hour "The Daily Show"-esque series hosted by comedian David Spade. The project is a reworked version of the previously completed pilot "Gone Hollywood," a potential weekday strip hosted by Greg Giraldo and executive produced by Spade. Comedy Central is said to have approached Spade to host the series after "8 Simple Rules" got the axe last month with the promise of a 13-episode order.

What a great morning at work...WJFK finally has streaming audio...click here to listen to the Junkies...and then at 3pm come back and listen to Don and Mike...DONKEYS

She should've foregone the "cash" prize and taken Stampy...mmm...elephant fresh...JUNE 23--A Kentucky woman who thought she won $100,000 in a radio station giveaway is suing for breach of contract after learning that her prize was actually a Nestle's 100 Grand candy bar.

The Field of the Rising Sun

If you watched any of the World Series, you couldn't help but notice several Japanese players were vital to the success of one club and to the failure of the other. No, Kaz Matsui didn't cost the Rockies the World Series, but his impotence at the top of the lineup certainly didn't help. Compare that with the yeoman's work of Dice-K (though most yeoman I know don't make over $100 mil) and the stellar performance from the rubber arm of Hideki Okajima, and there was indeed a Far Eastern feel to this Series. In that light, I thought it time to highlight the growing number of competent, excellent even, Japanese players in the bigs (amazingly, only one position posed a problem):

C - Kenji Johjima
The Mariners wanted to give Ichiro a pal, so they signed Johjima. Kenji was happy to come to Seattle, apparently because his kids love a Japanese grocery store named Uwajimaya - a store that Seattle has. I wonder if A-Rod's love of Ukrops will influence where he signs?

1B - Ryohei Shimabukuro
Yep, this is the problem position. Shimabukuro is in the Braves minor league system, having been shadily signed at 16 years old by Atlanta. No clue if he's any good or if he'll ever make the bigs. But he's listed as a 1B, and we need one for this list. Done.

2B - Tadahito Iguchi
Former White Sock, now Phillie. Bores me a bit, except for this nugget:
Tadahito Iguchi was welcomed into the hearts of Phillies fans with his own fan group "Tadahito's Burritos".
Further proof the people of Philadelphia ain't so bright.

SS - Kaz Matsui
Welcome to the bigs - Kaz hit HRs in his first PA in '04, '05, and '06 with the Mets. Elias said he was the first major leaguer to ever do that. Alas, it was all downhill from there. The Mets happily traded him to the Rockies for Eli Marrero (really?). He has been a solid player for Colorado in his time there, but as mentioned above, his 2007 World Series left something to be desired: 5 for 17 with 1 run scored from the leadoff spot. Not gonna cut it.

3B - Akinori Iwamura
I think we already established Gheorghe's love of Mr. Iwamura. And his town's love of phalli (or is it phalluses?) Aki was a very solid player for the Devil Rays in year 1...too bad he plays in Tampa and almost no one knows who he is. A little interweb research also reveals that Iwamura is about as light on his feet as I am - he had the lowest range factor of any AL third baseman in 2007.

RF - Hideki Matsui
He's the Japanese version of leathery old George Hamilton. Might be 102. Might be Lazarus. Hollywood should look into using Matsui as "generic evil Asian bad guy" once this guy hangs up the kimono.

CF - Ichiro Suzuki
The first Japanese-born everyday position player in MLB. Best of the bunch on this list. A hit machine the likes of which we haven't seen since Lionel Richie walked on the ceiling. Is somehow going to manage to amass 3,000 hits in the bigs despite joining the Mariners at the age of 27. And, most importantly, his first name has been hijacked by several members of the G:TB writing staff to indicate Woody Harrelson's favorite herb (no, not paprika, that's Greg's favorite).

LF - Sooooooooooooo Taguchi
Simply one of my favorite MLB players. And Dennis'. Obviously, I cannot get enough of the "Soooooooooooooo [fill in blank]" joke. Kills me everytime. Then again, I'm the same guy who laughed a little too much at the Wendy's Raaaaanch Tooth and Crank Yankers.

SP - Daisuke Matsuzaka
Finally showed up in the playoffs after a mediocre first season in the states (15-12, 4.40 ERA). Throughout the season often looked like the wasted Long Duk Dong of Sixteen Candles fame. I kept waiting for Dice-K to ask Jacoby Ellsbury, "What's happenin' hot stuff?" (wait, am I stereotyping? nah...)

MR - Hideki Okajima
Red Sox playoff MVP. Absolutely dominant. Not only the best bargain of any Japanese player to hit MLB, he might be the best bargain in all of baseball. Here's what the Red Sox got for $1.25 mil (I checked with mini-Simmons, er Rob, to see if there was a posting fee for Okajima, and we can't seem to find one):
Regular Season - 66 games, 69 IP, 3-2, 2.22 ERA, 50 hits, 63 Ks
Playoffs - 8 games, 11 IP, 2.45 ERA, 11 Ks
The one major flaw I can find - the guy loves chick flicks - "Okajima's favorite movies are romances including Ghost, Pretty Woman, and Autumn in New York."

"Eric Gagne Mop-Up Duty" - Kei Igawa, New York Yankees
The Japanese...Kevin Brown? ...Carl Pavano? ...Darren Dreifort? ...Corey Hart? (hey Kei, the sunglasses are a bit much) Igawa's signing was an obvious display of Ja-penis envy by Yankees GM Brian Cashman after he missed out on Dice-K. This guy is utterly useless.

Closer - Akinori Otsuka and/or Takashi Saito
Two choices here, both dominant closers last year...and ironically, I think both guys replaced Eric Gagne.

A G:TB Public Service Announcement

Yes, the Washington Nationals lost again last night, and yes, they do appear to be on pace for a historically awful season. [The Nats are now 1-8, and I hope they sent Jorge Julio a nice gift basket for that one win. They have yet to score a run in the first three innings of a game this season. They have allowed the most runs in baseball, and have scored the third fewest...a -40 run differential by my math]. But in the spirit of all that is Gheorghe, I come here this morning not to crush the hapless Nats, but to instead show you, the loyal fans of the ugliest team I have seen in years, that "Hey, it could be worse..." (I know, hard to believe, but bear with me.) Let's see if ole Gheorghe can't give you a reason to smile about local sports for a change (don't mention the Wiz, don't mention the Wiz)...

1B - Dmitri Young. You know what, we're starting off with a good one today. Da Meat Hook has been an extremely pleasant surprise this year. He has been one of the few bats in this lineup worth a damn (.296, 1 HR, 4 RBI). By the way, look at how sad those numbers are, and realize Dmitri is currently the star of this team (Zoinks, Scoob...). But, if we're gonna stick to the unfunny and forced premise of this post...
Hey, it could be worse...you could have Adam LaRoche, who also went to a new team this year (the Pirates) and forgot how to hit. 3 hits in 31 ABs, for a cool .097 batting average (throw in 14 Ks and 4 BBs). Yes, I am fully aware that most teams have played fewer than 10 games this year, but blanket generalizations are one of my specialties.

2B - Ronnie Belliard. The only regular hitting above .300, though in very limited at-bats. So, like Dmitri, be happy with him so far, and realize...
Hey, it could be worse...it could still be Jose Vidro, who is a disaster in the Mariners lineup. Bowden might be a moron, but I have no problem with him dumping Vidro on Seattle, especially if Fruto works out.

3B - Ryan Zimmerman. Cornerstone of the franchise. Love the guy...he's athletic AND dreamy. But he has struggled out of the gate (.250, 0 HR, 1 RBI).
Hey, it could be worse...the Nats could have another young third baseman with tons of potential but none of the work ethic of Zimmerman: Edwin Encarnacion, who got benched yesterday for not running out a pop-up. Encarnacion has also failed to live up to expectations for going on three years now, showing zero plate discipline and an extremely suspect glove.

SS - Felipe Lopez. Appears averse to getting on base, which is a real downer, since him stealing a base or two might wake this corpse of a club up. (Wooooow, the Nats have not even ATTEMPTED a stolen base this year...their opponents are 7 for 7.) But (I think you've got the flow now)...
Hey, it could be worse...it could be Cristian Guzman.
Wait for it...

LF - Kory Casto. The rookie is struggling as much as you might imagine.
Hey, it could be worse...it could be Emil Brown of the Royals, who is so terrible he might lose his job to Ross Gload, who I'm betting none of our readers could pick out of a photo array (sorry, too much "Law and Order" last night). At least with Casto there's hope for the future. 33 year old Emil Brown? Not so much.

RF - Austin Kearns. 7 Ks/4 BBs/2 RBI...ugh.
Hey, it could be worse...this one I enjoy a tad too much... it could be Gary Sheffield, who got his way and got his trade, and now can't hit the broad side of a Buick in Detroit. 3 hits in 29 ABs.

CF - Ryan Church ('cause it took Nook half a game to get injured). And look at that, he's hitting .296 with 2 HR and 4 RBI. Well done, Mr. Church. Let's get your mug on a metro bus.
Hey, it could be worse...it could still be Marlon Byrd. Or the vastly overrated Coco Crisp in Boston. My boy Willy Taveras has also seen some early season struggles in Colorado.

C - Brian Schneider. Brian's hitting .111, so give me a second on this one. OK, got it...
Hey, it could be worse...that dick A.J. Pierzynski could be the Nats catcher. What a quality human being he is, and lucky for me, he's hitting .115 with 3 fewer ribbies than Schneider.

Rotation - Patterson, Bergmann, Hill, Chico, Williams. Only Hill has an ERA lower than 4.91... no starter has won a game yet this year... Chico is an epic disaster.
Hey, it could be worse...wow, can it be any worse? As much as I hate to say this, the Yankees starting pitching has been almost as bad, amazingly saved by one good Carl Pavano start. Jeff Weaver could be a National, causing me to stab him in the genitals with a fork. The Giants starters seem atrocious as well, and they might very well be running neck and neck with the Nats all year record-wise. Plus, isn't it fun to root against Barry's team?

Bullpen - Cordero, Bowie, Rauch, Colome (Jesus to you), King, Wagner. On paper, looks good - so far, pretty ugly. But that's OK, they've got a long way to go to catch these guys...
Hey, it could be worse...have you seen what's going on in Philadelphia? I mean, you could probably round up four guys from the bleachers and they would have a better chance of holding a lead. The Phillies bullpen makes the Nats pen look like Hall of Famers. It's a disgrace, which very nicely leads to (where's Captain Segue when you need him?)...

Manager - Manny Acta. I like him, and hope that this impending 45-win season doesn't crush his soul. And I hope his team meeting after last night's loss sparks the club, but I wouldn't count on it.
Hey, it could be worse...Would you rather have a drooling geriatric like Charlie Manuel calling the shots? As an esteemed member of the Gheorghe writing staff once said, Manuel is the Admiral Stockdale of MLB managers. 'Nuff said.