Hey, it could be worse...

I was ginning this post up Wednesday, looking to make rob and the tens and tens of Tribe hoops fans forget about their woeful squad, when out of nowhere William and Mary goes and upsets CAA leader Northeastern at the Tribe Dome that night.

And look, I snooze, I looze.

Well rob, EAD and LMB, because I still have some pertinent content. The Tribe team sucks...bad...old man balls as some may say. And despite Wednesday night's fluke W, I still felt it my goal to make us feel better about our donkey low-major program. So, I dug up the winless conference programs* in the country, but let's be honest, they don't all make us feel better.

[*My delay in posting this also allowed Indiana to get off the schneid. The Hoosiers beat Iowa the other night for their first Big Ten win. Tom Crean's club, they are bad.]

DePaul is 8-15, 0-10 in the Big East. But it's the Big East. Not exactly the CAA. And they had my boy Sammy Mejia the last few years. Plus, their old coach is now at a hurting CAA program. Can you name him? And the school?

Winless big time conference teams 1, HaplessTribe 0

OK, let's try this again. Here's Georgia...you know, the program Jim Harrick treated like fresh meat at Oswald State Correctional Facility. They are 9-13, 0-7 in the SEC...but again, they're in the SEC. And have you been to Athens? Let's just say there is A LOT more to look at than in Williamsburg.

Winless big time conference teams 2, HaplessTribe 0

That smell you're picking up from the Pacific Northwest (nope, wrong skunky smell Mark) is the stink emanating from the Oregon Ducks 2008-2009 season. They're 6-16 on the year, and an abysmal 0-10 in Pac 10 play. They inch closer to making me feel better as a Tribe fan, but again, they're in the Pac 10...I'd rather watch UCLA trounce my team than a Georgia St or Towson.

Winless big time conference teams 3, HaplessTribe 0

Dammit, this whole thing is going down the drain...where are the first true "hey it could be worse..." comparisons?

Ah, let's go local. The George Washington Colonials are putting together a horrific season (6-13, 0-7 in conf). They've lost ten straight games, and their leading "scorer" averages 12 a game. See loyal Tribe followers, it really could be worse...

Never one to stop the momentum, we could also be stuck rooting for one of these two sad independents instead of the Tribe:
North Carolina Central, 2-23
N.J.I.T., 1-22
Wait a second. How the hell did NJIT actually get a win? That's a freakin' miracle.

Now onto the meat of the order. Hey, it could REALLY be worse...we could be fans of Southeast Missouri State. These poor guys are 0-12 in the middling Ohio Valley, 3-20 on the year. 12 losses in a row for SEMO. Looking at the sked, I'm not even sure where they will get a win the rest of the year. How does 3-27 sound (0-18 in league play), with a 19 game losing streak capping the year?

Air Force has completely fallen apart as well. Weren't these guys in the Dance the last few years? They still running that Princeton offense? If so, it doesn't appear to be working very well. These guys sit comfortably in the Mountain West cellar, 9-12 overall but 0-8 in conference play. So, we could be rooting for these guys...and have to be in the actual military. Thanks, I think I'll pass.

You like hippie crunchy granola uber liberals and the urban decay of Providence, RI? Well then Brown is for you...and you can have their winless hoops team as well. Sure, they've only played 4 Ivy League games so far, but they've dropped them all. I'll take our "public Ivy" over these clowns anyday, and that has nothing to do with me getting rejected by Brown.

And the "Hey it could be worse..." coup de grâce:
Loyola Marymount of the WCC. 0-7 in the league, 1-22 overall. They're losing by 20+ a night. They have to listen to people ball wash Gonzaga all year long. Hank Gathers is rolling over in his grave. Bo Kimble too if he has recently passed on.

The Urkel photo? If you google "Hey it could be worse" this is the third pic.

Cherish the moment, Nats fans

Our second installment of "Hey, it could be worse..." might seem to be coming at an odd time for the hometown nine, seeing as the Nats are a respectable 12-6 since starting the season a dismal 9-25. But, after visiting RFK last night (and trust me, there was nowhere near the reported 18,483 in attendance) and watching the Nats lose 10-0 to the offensively challenged Dodgers, I thought we better shower the Nats with whatever accolades we could now, because it is about to get very ugly again, very soon (and yes, I do hope for a collapse, because I want to win those cases of beer). You see, the Nationals took advantage of some very inept clubs (Hi NL Central!) on their way back to respectability (for them at least), and a cursory look at the upcoming schedule indicates the Nationals are in big trouble (Dodgers and Padres to start this homestand means very few runs for the Nats), but, as we like to say around here, "Hey, it could be worse..."

Overall Record: 21-31 (.404)
Wow, the Nats are in great shape here. Four teams actually have less wins than Washington right now, and three are tied with the Nats at 21. Throw these guys a parade.
Hey, it could be worse...you could be the team I root for, the free-falling New York Yankees, who are 21-29 and have lost 5 in a row (but at least Alex Rodriguez is gettin' some strange). Or, if you're like most of the country and wish people would stop talking about the Yankees, we can focus on the horrendous defending World Series champ Cardinals, who are 20-29 and show no signs of fixing their woes.

Pitching: Runs Against, 251
Again, given the personnel the Nats call a starting rotation, they're in decent shape here too. I find it amazing that a professional baseball team can run any of these guys out there semi-regularly and still scrape together 21 wins: Jason Simontacchi (last night's sacrificial lamb), Matt Chico, Jason Bergmann, Jerome Williams and Levale Speigner ("Sir, how did you get in the clubhouse? Oh, you're tonight's starter. Riiiight...SECURITY").
Hey, it could be worse...well, you could be the Tampa Bay staff, which amounts to Scott Kazmir and a pile of driftwood. Driftwood with sky-high ERAs and WHIPs. They're the only club to already allow over 300 runs, and they still employ Jae Seo. Good lord. We could also pile on the Yankees and Cardinals again here, but honestly, that's going to get old fast, since those two clubs belong in every one of these categories (what a sad, sad day).

Hitting: Runs Scored, 191
Yep, still a major problem. Nick Johnson is never coming back, Dmitri Young has chosen buffets over BP, and Mr. Guzman still gets to bat second in a MLB line-up (somewhere, Rob Neyer just hung himself with a flannel noose). That home ballpark doesn't help either - I watched 5 or 6 ropes off Nats bats get easily caught last night, all due to the unreal size of the RFK outfield.
Hey, it could be worse...you could be the defending World Series champion St. Louis Cardinals. I know, I said no more, but these guys are the ONLY team scoring less than the Nats (179 RS for St. Louie). I think it's time to call up Rick Ankiel...seriously...come on, you know you're intrigued.

Management: "Larry, Darryl and Darryl"
Manny Acta - With that personnel, can you expect any more?
Jim Bowden - Antichrist. Can't believe he's still employed.
Stan Kasten - All I ever hear is how great this guy is, but if that's the case, what the hell is he waiting for? Fire Bowden now. Christ, let Screech (no, not the porno one...the mascot bird) be the GM.
Hey, it could be worse...ugh, with Bowden still as GM, could it? Dayton Moore in KC, the young kids in Tampa...they've done a better job. Maybe the corpse in Pittsburgh is worse, but I'm still taking Bowden in this race.

A G:TB Public Service Announcement

Yes, the Washington Nationals lost again last night, and yes, they do appear to be on pace for a historically awful season. [The Nats are now 1-8, and I hope they sent Jorge Julio a nice gift basket for that one win. They have yet to score a run in the first three innings of a game this season. They have allowed the most runs in baseball, and have scored the third fewest...a -40 run differential by my math]. But in the spirit of all that is Gheorghe, I come here this morning not to crush the hapless Nats, but to instead show you, the loyal fans of the ugliest team I have seen in years, that "Hey, it could be worse..." (I know, hard to believe, but bear with me.) Let's see if ole Gheorghe can't give you a reason to smile about local sports for a change (don't mention the Wiz, don't mention the Wiz)...

1B - Dmitri Young. You know what, we're starting off with a good one today. Da Meat Hook has been an extremely pleasant surprise this year. He has been one of the few bats in this lineup worth a damn (.296, 1 HR, 4 RBI). By the way, look at how sad those numbers are, and realize Dmitri is currently the star of this team (Zoinks, Scoob...). But, if we're gonna stick to the unfunny and forced premise of this post...
Hey, it could be worse...you could have Adam LaRoche, who also went to a new team this year (the Pirates) and forgot how to hit. 3 hits in 31 ABs, for a cool .097 batting average (throw in 14 Ks and 4 BBs). Yes, I am fully aware that most teams have played fewer than 10 games this year, but blanket generalizations are one of my specialties.

2B - Ronnie Belliard. The only regular hitting above .300, though in very limited at-bats. So, like Dmitri, be happy with him so far, and realize...
Hey, it could be worse...it could still be Jose Vidro, who is a disaster in the Mariners lineup. Bowden might be a moron, but I have no problem with him dumping Vidro on Seattle, especially if Fruto works out.

3B - Ryan Zimmerman. Cornerstone of the franchise. Love the guy...he's athletic AND dreamy. But he has struggled out of the gate (.250, 0 HR, 1 RBI).
Hey, it could be worse...the Nats could have another young third baseman with tons of potential but none of the work ethic of Zimmerman: Edwin Encarnacion, who got benched yesterday for not running out a pop-up. Encarnacion has also failed to live up to expectations for going on three years now, showing zero plate discipline and an extremely suspect glove.

SS - Felipe Lopez. Appears averse to getting on base, which is a real downer, since him stealing a base or two might wake this corpse of a club up. (Wooooow, the Nats have not even ATTEMPTED a stolen base this year...their opponents are 7 for 7.) But (I think you've got the flow now)...
Hey, it could be worse...it could be Cristian Guzman.
Wait for it...

LF - Kory Casto. The rookie is struggling as much as you might imagine.
Hey, it could be worse...it could be Emil Brown of the Royals, who is so terrible he might lose his job to Ross Gload, who I'm betting none of our readers could pick out of a photo array (sorry, too much "Law and Order" last night). At least with Casto there's hope for the future. 33 year old Emil Brown? Not so much.

RF - Austin Kearns. 7 Ks/4 BBs/2 RBI...ugh.
Hey, it could be worse...this one I enjoy a tad too much... it could be Gary Sheffield, who got his way and got his trade, and now can't hit the broad side of a Buick in Detroit. 3 hits in 29 ABs.

CF - Ryan Church ('cause it took Nook half a game to get injured). And look at that, he's hitting .296 with 2 HR and 4 RBI. Well done, Mr. Church. Let's get your mug on a metro bus.
Hey, it could be worse...it could still be Marlon Byrd. Or the vastly overrated Coco Crisp in Boston. My boy Willy Taveras has also seen some early season struggles in Colorado.

C - Brian Schneider. Brian's hitting .111, so give me a second on this one. OK, got it...
Hey, it could be worse...that dick A.J. Pierzynski could be the Nats catcher. What a quality human being he is, and lucky for me, he's hitting .115 with 3 fewer ribbies than Schneider.

Rotation - Patterson, Bergmann, Hill, Chico, Williams. Only Hill has an ERA lower than 4.91... no starter has won a game yet this year... Chico is an epic disaster.
Hey, it could be worse...wow, can it be any worse? As much as I hate to say this, the Yankees starting pitching has been almost as bad, amazingly saved by one good Carl Pavano start. Jeff Weaver could be a National, causing me to stab him in the genitals with a fork. The Giants starters seem atrocious as well, and they might very well be running neck and neck with the Nats all year record-wise. Plus, isn't it fun to root against Barry's team?

Bullpen - Cordero, Bowie, Rauch, Colome (Jesus to you), King, Wagner. On paper, looks good - so far, pretty ugly. But that's OK, they've got a long way to go to catch these guys...
Hey, it could be worse...have you seen what's going on in Philadelphia? I mean, you could probably round up four guys from the bleachers and they would have a better chance of holding a lead. The Phillies bullpen makes the Nats pen look like Hall of Famers. It's a disgrace, which very nicely leads to (where's Captain Segue when you need him?)...

Manager - Manny Acta. I like him, and hope that this impending 45-win season doesn't crush his soul. And I hope his team meeting after last night's loss sparks the club, but I wouldn't count on it.
Hey, it could be worse...Would you rather have a drooling geriatric like Charlie Manuel calling the shots? As an esteemed member of the Gheorghe writing staff once said, Manuel is the Admiral Stockdale of MLB managers. 'Nuff said.