Trump Is Jesus. Get Used to It.

This one's gonna get me in some hot water, but let's do this.

Gheorghies, I know there are many among the sensible party that have been offended by the recent post offering up graphic depictions of His Royal Scumbucket DJT as Jesus. Well, let me tell--

Actually. before I get into that, I mention the "sensible party" off the cuff, but really what informed that phrase was a sketch from an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus in November 1970. It's called "Election Night Special," it features the Sensible Party vs the Silly Party (along with lesser parties the Slightly Silly Party and the Very Silly Party), and it's great fun. 

In 1987 the Pythons issued a compilation audio album called The Final Rip-Off, which it wasn't, and my freshman roomie Dougie Fish and I wore the discs out when he purchased it the following year. Here's the original TV episode: 

Sure does seem like Jethro Q. Walrustiddy would have a place in the current cabinet, eh?

Anyway, Trump as Jesus.

I'll be honest with you: I don't get the hysteria. He's super into self-aggrandizing AI art. I mean, it's only a matter of time before Trumpkin illustrates himself as Wardy "Wood" Joubert III, right? If he hasn't done it already.

So what's the big deal with this?

And honestly, he has a lot more in common with Jesus than other iconic characters whose persona he's assumed. You want proof?

He is well-known to offer crazy quotes like:

• "Nobody fucks with the Trump."
• "Let me tell you something, pendejo... You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the White House lawn, I'll take it away from you, and stick it up my ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes 'click'."
• "Are you ready to be fucked, Iran? ... JD and me, we're gonna fuck you up."
• "I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo!"

Donald Trump is also a known sex offender. I'm not sure about eight-year-olds, but he's a sexual assaulter with established ties to the most infamous pederast in all the land. 

Trump is the Jesus. To wit:

Oh!

Jesus Quintana, not Christ. Goodness, no!

He's the opposite of that, although getting millions of people to listen to him verbally soil himself daily is a miracle. 

Enjoy!

The Latest EO's -- Your Excremental Orders from the Great Leader

BREAKING NEWS

WASHINGTON, DC – This just in from the Ovaltine Office. Your man in the know, El Whitdoggimus, whose AI-deemed pseudonym is "Whitney," has gotten ahold of the next batch of Executive Orders from the once and future President for Life, Lord God King Bu-Fu Donald John "Don's Johns" Trump. As a service to gheorghies and G:TB readers worldwide, we are leaking these 11 soon-to-be-issued orders on this venerable blog.

Here we go.

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By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, and to improve the well-being and future success of America, it is hereby ordered:

1. Roy Cohn Day. A previously issued executive order banned activities related to Juneteenth, Black History Month, and every other ethno-cultural recognition event, including Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Accordingly, MLK Day is now replaced with Roy Cohn Day. Roy Cohn Day will be held every February 20 to commemorate the birthday of the man who helped shape the mind that started this amazing train in motion. McDonald's will have free ice cream cones all day on Roy Cohn Day. Patrons need only ask, "Where's My Roy Cohn?" (Only available in vanilla.) They'll call them Cohn's Cones. It'll be tremendous. 

2. Lunar Labor Camps. A previously issued order began the aggressive arrest, holding, and immediate deportation of undocumented migrant residents and any non-citizens. This order is being amended to assign these individuals to SpaceX (Space Exploration Technologies Corporation) and deploy them on the moon. Forced labor camps are being set up on the moon to build Mar-a-Luno, a five-star Trump property. It's gonna be great. Best in the galaxy. You're gonna love it. 

3. Repurposing of Mosques and Other Non-Judeo-Christian Religious Buildings. The takeover of Gaza by the Unites States expected to happen by Roy Cohn Day 2025, and the relocation of 1.8 million Palestinians currently residing in Gaza to humanitarian countries or to U.S. Lunar Labor Camps via SpaceX, will render unnecessary the divisive, threatening, unAmerican religious buildings those people also inhabit domestically. Any structure in the United States that has until now been a congregation center for religions other than Christianity (and in some smaller, high-profile, press-happy, photo-op cases, Judaism) will be seized by Federal agents or the military and repurposed into free-market hubs of commerce and capitalism. 

Very specifically they will all become units of TrumpTowne™, exclusive clubs for real Americans where citizens can buy Trump™ brand products: collections of coins, T-shirts, hats, thongs, ascots, false teeth, tiaras, crocs, mullet bands, cummerbunds, and prophylactics all emblazoned with Make America Great Again™ or TRUMP PRESIDENT FOR LIFE™. 

This will end the long-standing pattern of death and destruction and, frankly, bad luck, that these people have had and have caused in America. 

4. Late-Night Comedy Regulation. All late-night American comedy television programming will be regulated and replaced at the discretion of the President. You see these terribly unfunny, not funny at all people on television such as Jon Stewart, Seth Meyers, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Maher, and many others, occasionally Jimmy Fallon though he made a lot of fun of Joe Biden and that was very good. These unfunny people will be replaced by Sean Hannity and Megyn Kelly and some merit-based Trump family members with musical guest Ted Nugent in a new show everyone's gonna love that makes fun of Nancy Pelosi and Anthony Fauci and Hunter Biden. Network writers who are found through federal investigation to have written jokes that insult President Trump or Minister of Propaganda Musk will be forcibly commissioned to the Executive Office to help creatively explain the wisdom behind all of these executive orders. 

5. Confederate Statue Replacement. Every site that had a confederate statue criminally removed, which served as a terrible tragedy standing in the way of our historical recognition of some very fine people on both sides of that war, will now have that statue replaced. It will be replaced with a statue of President Donald J. Trump dressed in the traditional attire of General in Chief, which was Robert E. Lee's title until he surrendered, which President Trump never would have, he was a great man, but the President would have done things differently. This uniform is the purest tribute to the Confederate States of America but also being reimagined by Barron Trump, he has taken some Civil War reenactment fashion classes and he is very good, very, very good. 

6. Department of Education Exceptions. After the U.S. Department of Education is dismantled, the federal government will leave it up to states to ensure English is the only language being taught and that some math is in the curriculum, that's always important in business and those things. History books and history lesson plans, however, must be approved by the President's elite guard of political soldiers and super smrt people. They will only accept the proper accounting of historical American names, to include: Crooked Hillary, Sleepy Joe, Slick Willie, Obama bin Laden, and Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s uncle. COVID will be removed from history because everything is totally fine now because President Trump made it go away and we don't need to talk about it. 

7. Roadway Regulations. All roadways, from neighborhood streets to interstate highways, have a new right-of-way pattern. Right-of-way will always be granted to the larger vehicle with additional right-of-way privileges for Cybertrucks™, limousines, flatbeds, disproportionately large tires, dangerously extended trailer hitches, emissions violations, horns that play Dixie, Florida or Texas plates, TRUMP VANCE stickers, and/or truck nuts. Hybrid vehicles will never have any right of way and should be dropped off for demolition. 

8. More Holidays. January 6 will forever be regarded as "a date which will live in famy" and will be another federal holiday, along with Cohn Day on February 20 and Billionaire Day on April 1, commemorating the date in 2006 when President Donald J. Trump became a billionaire even though Forbes and Bloomberg were falsely reporting assets to be much lower because they're jealous of amazing success. Oh, and President's Day is now President Trump's Day. Buy a Trump™ mattress, you'll never sleep so good as you do, it's tremendously comfortable springs and cushion stuff in there.

9. Alcoholic Beverage Commission Regulation. Bud Light is now illegal. 

10. Correcting Radical, Wasteful Terminology. (a) Private equity firms must now be called private moneymaking firms. (b) Diversifying your portfolio must now be termed mixing things up. (c) The Department of Transportation is now officially termed the Department of Portation. This should fix a lot of things, it will make many, many people very, very happy. 

11. Title. President of the United States is not a title courageous and powerful enough for a man of Donald Trump's stature. While in power, Idi Amin had as his official title: His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular. This is very good but too long, people will get it wrong, and plus the Africa stuff and fishes, we don't need that. Mr. Trump will now be called forever more: 

His Excellency, President for Life, Feel Marshal Super Good Doctor Donald Trump Daddy, MD, PhD, BMOC, PG, VSOP, Handsome Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Conqueror of the Democrats in America and the World, Amen. 

Idi Amin also claimed to be the uncrowned King of Scotland. 

Donald Trump is also the King of Greenland. 

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Wow. Seems like a lot of stuff, wonder if he can get them all implemented without any pushback. Okay, well, hope everyone's doing super-spectacular in 2025!

Whitdog, OUT