BREAKING NEWS
WASHINGTON, DC – This just in from the Ovaltine Office. Your man in the know, El Whitdoggimus, whose AI-deemed pseudonym is "Whitney," has gotten ahold of the next batch of Executive Orders from the once and future President for Life, Lord God King Bu-Fu Donald John "Don's Johns" Trump. As a service to gheorghies and G:TB readers worldwide, we are leaking these 11 soon-to-be-issued orders on this venerable blog.
Here we go.
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By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, and to improve the well-being and future success of America, it is hereby ordered:
2. Lunar Labor Camps. A previously issued order began the aggressive arrest, holding, and immediate deportation of undocumented migrant residents and any non-citizens. This order is being amended to assign these individuals to SpaceX (Space Exploration Technologies Corporation) and deploy them on the moon. Forced labor camps are being set up on the moon to build Mar-a-Luno, a five-star Trump property. It's gonna be great. Best in the galaxy. You're gonna love it.
3. Repurposing of Mosques and Other Non-Judeo-Christian Religious Buildings. The takeover of Gaza by the Unites States expected to happen by Roy Cohn Day 2025, and the relocation of 1.8 million Palestinians currently residing in Gaza to humanitarian countries or to U.S. Lunar Labor Camps via SpaceX, will render unnecessary the divisive, threatening, unAmerican religious buildings those people also inhabit domestically. Any structure in the United States that has until now been a congregation center for religions other than Christianity (and in some smaller, high-profile, press-happy, photo-op cases, Judaism) will be seized by Federal agents or the military and repurposed into free-market hubs of commerce and capitalism. 
Very specifically they will all become units of TrumpTowne™, exclusive clubs for real Americans where citizens can buy Trump™ brand products: collections of coins, T-shirts, hats, thongs, ascots, false teeth, tiaras, crocs, mullet bands, cummerbunds, and prophylactics all emblazoned with Make America Great Again™ or TRUMP PRESIDENT FOR LIFE™.
This will end the long-standing pattern of death and destruction and, frankly, bad luck, that these people have had and have caused in America.
4. Late-Night Comedy Regulation. All late-night American comedy television programming will be regulated and replaced at the discretion of the President. You see these terribly unfunny, not funny at all people on television such as Jon Stewart, Seth Meyers, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Maher, and many others, occasionally Jimmy Fallon though he made a lot of fun of Joe Biden and that was very good. These unfunny people will be replaced by Sean Hannity and Megyn Kelly and some merit-based Trump family members with musical guest Ted Nugent in a new show everyone's gonna love that makes fun of Nancy Pelosi and Anthony Fauci and Hunter Biden. Network writers who are found through federal investigation to have written jokes that insult President Trump or Minister of Propaganda Musk will be forcibly commissioned to the Executive Office to help creatively explain the wisdom behind all of these executive orders.
5. Confederate Statue Replacement. Every site that had a confederate statue criminally removed, which served as a terrible tragedy standing in the way of our historical recognition of some very fine people on both sides of that war, will now have that statue replaced. It will be replaced with a statue of President Donald J. Trump dressed in the traditional attire of General in Chief, which was Robert E. Lee's title until he surrendered, which President Trump never would have, he was a great man, but the President would have done things differently. This uniform is the purest tribute to the Confederate States of America but also being reimagined by Barron Trump, he has taken some Civil War reenactment fashion classes and he is very good, very, very good.
6. Department of Education Exceptions. After the U.S. Department of Education is dismantled, the federal government will leave it up to states to ensure English is the only language being taught and that some math is in the curriculum, that's always important in business and those things. History books and history lesson plans, however, must be approved by the President's elite guard of political soldiers and super smrt people. They will only accept the proper accounting of historical American names, to include: Crooked Hillary, Sleepy Joe, Slick Willie, Obama bin Laden, and Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s uncle. COVID will be removed from history because everything is totally fine now because President Trump made it go away and we don't need to talk about it.
8. More Holidays. January 6 will forever be regarded as "a date which will live in famy" and will be another federal holiday, along with Cohn Day on February 20 and Billionaire Day on April 1, commemorating the date in 2006 when President Donald J. Trump became a billionaire even though Forbes and Bloomberg were falsely reporting assets to be much lower because they're jealous of amazing success. Oh, and President's Day is now President Trump's Day. Buy a Trump™ mattress, you'll never sleep so good as you do, it's tremendously comfortable springs and cushion stuff in there.
9. Alcoholic Beverage Commission Regulation. Bud Light is now illegal.
10. Correcting Radical, Wasteful Terminology. (a) Private equity firms must now be called private moneymaking firms. (b) Diversifying your portfolio must now be termed mixing things up. (c) The Department of Transportation is now officially termed the Department of Portation. This should fix a lot of things, it will make many, many people very, very happy.
11. Title. President of the United States is not a title courageous and powerful enough for a man of Donald Trump's stature. While in power, Idi Amin had as his official title: His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular. This is very good but too long, people will get it wrong, and plus the Africa stuff and fishes, we don't need that. Mr. Trump will now be called forever more:
His Excellency, President for Life, Feel Marshal Super Good Doctor Donald Trump Daddy, MD, PhD, BMOC, PG, VSOP, Handsome Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Conqueror of the Democrats in America and the World, Amen.
Idi Amin also claimed to be the uncrowned King of Scotland.
Donald Trump is also the King of Greenland.
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Wow. Seems like a lot of stuff, wonder if he can get them all implemented without any pushback. Okay, well, hope everyone's doing super-spectacular in 2025!
Whitdog, OUT
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15 comments:
i think we all agree that bud light should be illegal. i also love the idea that history can only be taught via trumpian nicknames . . . very orwellian.
this is what this blog was made for
I actually had to delete one of my entries because it already has been proposed by Der Leader. Eradicating federal income tax / ultimately dismantling IRS. Good lord.
i told my wife that i'm not planning to file a tax return this year because there's nobody there to tell me i have to. and because we'll owe a metric fuckton due to my weird year. she seemed nonplussed. i don't think it's the worst idea i've ever had.
My old bandmate asked me to make some stickers reading "I Did Not Vote for ".
I've done some in an array of colors, and we make more anytime there is extra space on other jobs. If anyone wants one, I got you.
"Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Kodos"
what are our options for filling in the blank, rootsy?
Currently it's the aspiring trillionaire whose incel militia is being unleashed on the federal workforce. I'm sure they'll be carefully scrutinizing the govenment contracts that his companies have.
i'd sorely like to sport one of those, but i suppose i'm now a representative of a public high school and coach kids whose parents might be prone to umbrage.
Doesn’t have to be on a car. My buddy wanted it because it leaves a bit or room for speculation about who he voted for.
I'm now mad as hell. No eggs on the shelf at my local wholesaler. I think mine were lost in the great egg heist of 2025.
Not sure how 100,000 eggs can be stolen, but it's not good news for the breakfast eaters in my household.
I thought you had chickens rootsy?
My last night in Kansas City and I’m eating brisket and burnt ends chili. Probably taking a year off my life but I think it’s worth it.
tribe was down 2 with 11 minutes left. tribe lost by 20. beaten.
I got out of the chicken raising game years ago. Currently using the coop to season some cherry wood, but we’re talking about getting some chicks.
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