Living on a Fair

My twitter timeline has been bombarded the last few days with news that 2020 Democratic Presidential hopefuls are hitting the Iowa State Fair, presumably to try and win the hearts and minds of those corn-loving folks who have too much influence in Presidential politics, but also I presume to consume mass amounts of delicious fair food.

Here's a full list of the new 2019 foods at the Iowa State Fair. Some of my favorites...

If you'd like some balls in your mouth:
Berkshire Bacon Balls on a Stick
X-Treme Balls

I'm always a big proponent of any food item placed on a stick:
Chicken Parmesan Stick
Brownie Waffle Stick
Chocolate Brownie Waffle Stick

How 'bout dem apples:
Apple Cider Shake Up
Apple Fritter Funnel Cake
Apple Nachos
Apple Slices with Fresh Ground Honey Roasted Peanut Butter
Boozy Pecan Caramel Apple
Caramel Apple Bites
Caramel Apple Cider Shake
Salted Caramel Apple Shake

Poutine on the Ritz:
Dessert Poutine
Double Pork Poutine
Slaughter House Poutine
Rainbow Poutine
Chicken Bacon Ranch Poutine

Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood:
Bacon Wrapped Pig Wings
Bauder Ultimate Bacon Crisp
Smoked Ham & Eggs
Tangled Onion Pork Po-Boy
Chuckie's Pork Strip Basket

As you might recall, I too enjoy fair foods. I jumped in the wayback machine, and found my trip to the Indiana State Fair in the GTB archives. Here, in it's entirety, is that now ten-year old opus:

Some of you may remember I had a pretty fun time at the fair last year, so I figured this time around I'd chronicle my gastronomical conquests in picture form for our loyal readers (right now rob is sobbing in his office, realizing this is the post that pushes his LeBron extravaganza down the page). No more intro required, let the gluttony begin...

12:15pm
Arrive at the fair
It's 95 degrees and humid as shit. I'm a moron and didn't wear a t-shirt. Land war in Asia...now this blunder. Tough start to day.

12:29pm
Regular corn dog, small diet Pepsi
I mean, it's the fair. You've got to start with a corn dog. And you have to be careful in your corn dog selections - they need to be fresh out of the fryer or else they're not worth it. If you go to a stand that only has corn dogs rotating on a rack, move on. It's not like you're limited in corn dog stand choices.

12:46pm
Pick up free Blow Pop from Better Business Bureau of Indiana at ridiculous Expo Hall
The BBB slogan? "Don't Be a Sucker". Seriously folks, the team of monkeys you had working around the clock couldn't come up with something better? [Note: Blow Pop was eaten as "dessert" exactly 12 hours later]

12:53pm
Sample Shoup's new hogburger
It's freakin' delicious. Went back through the line two more times.

1:59pm
Photo op with Indiana state hero Veal Armstrong...and a talking goat
Stepping into the different animal barns at the fair is like walking through a portal into another dimension. A dimension of denim and poor dental hygiene. Hard to describe, but entertaining as all hell.

2:16pm

Pulled pork BBQ sandwich from the Indiana Pork Association, another diet Pepsi
You like how I keep getting the diet sodas, as if that's gonna make a difference?

2:21pm
Snack on other people's absurd World Famous King Taters
What exactly are they, you say? Take a look.

3:33pm
Fish fry (jackson pollock white fish), yet another small diet Pepsi
The fish fry stand had zero shade around it. I almost passed out waiting for this item.

5:00pm
Ribeye steak sandwich at Indiana Beef Association tent, a Lemonade
Starting to develop some serious stomach issues at this point, had to stop halfway through this sandwich as I had the meat sweats. Genuine concern is starting to show on the folks I am at the fair with. Burgess Meredith urges me on.

6:09pm
Deep fried pizza, more diet Pepsi
In six hours I've developed diabetes and have surely clogged three arteries. And a big middle finger to deep fried pizza. What a disappointment. I assumed we would take a slice of pie, dip it in a fryer, and then hand it to me. Nope - the dough is simply fried and then lathered with marinara sauce and some cheese. Of course I still ate the whole damn thing.

7:05pm
Deep fried cookie dough
Anyone had a portable defibrillator?

8:45pm
One chicken tender, one fry, one ping only
By now we are at the Keith Urban concert at the fair (I would never be called a country music fan by any stretch, but I have now seen this guy twice, and he puts on a damn good show). Apparently, if you are a female going to a Keith Urban concert, you wear daisy dukes so short the pockets show and cowboy boots that make you like like an Amarillo whore. And you wear that no matter what shape or size you are. I was partially blinded by some of the sartorial choices.

11:48pm
Exit fair.

Victory pose. Note corndog stick in right hand.

Obviously, I have no choice but to go back next year. However, I need your help in deciding how I'll entertain myself in Year 3, without ended up in the ICU of St. Vincent's.