Friday, June 02, 2017

The Best Game in Football

A wise head texted me this quote from yesterday's Rose Garden press conference without comment:

I laugh in your general direction.
"At what point does America get demeaned? At what point do they start laughing at us as a country? We want fair treatment. We don't want other countries and other leaders to laugh at us anymore."

While America and its increasingly infantile president* hurtles headlong into irrelevance on a wave of stupidity and xenophobic paranoia, the ripples of laughter from the global community growing in volume and frequency (nervous laughter, it must be said, because who the fuck knows when babytrump's tiny brain and giant ego get embarrassed to the point where he bombs someone to make the meanies shut up), we seek solace in dipshittery and sports.

European sports, in this case, though our domestic championship series in basketball and hockey are fun, too.

Tomorrow at 2:45 Eastern, two of the world's biggest football clubs tangle in Cardiff, Wales for the UEFA Champions League title. Real Madrid are gunning for their second consecutive championship and third in four years. No club has ever won back to back Champions League trophies. Opposite Madrid, the legendary Italian side Juventus makes its second finals appearance in three years.

Both clubs have appeared in six UCL championship matches, a record tally. Madrid have won all five of their previous appearances, while Juve have lost four of their five, with only a 1996 win over Ajax to their credit.

Total dick, right?
Beyond the titanic names on the front of the jerseys, some (me) might argue that this is a battle of good versus evil. Real Madrid's historical association with the oppressive rule of Francisco Franco is bad enough, but they feature prettyboy gloryhound Cristiano Ronaldo, and spend like drunken sailors. It's true enough that Ronaldo is a sublime talent, among the most skilled and ruthless goalscorers of all time. But he kinda seems like a dick, you know?

Juventus, on the other hand, while bestriding Italian football like a colossus, is still the squad of hardworking, blue collar Turin (it's possible that I'm overstating this for effect), the center of Italy's automotive industry. Sure, the club has won six consecutive Serie A titles, and we rooted for Roma to overtake them in this, Francisco Totti's final season, but for tomorrow, Juve are a tiny little underdog, battling the forces of darkness and global domination.

They're also battling the forces of Madrid's balanced and deadly offense, led by Ronaldo, but featuring brilliant talents like Gareth Bale (battling an injury), Karim Benzema, Isco, Alvaro Morata, Toni Kroos, and Luka Modric. Madrid have scored in an absurd 64 consecutive matches in all competitions, with 32 goals in 12 Champions League matches to date.

Buffon!
Juventus, though, seem uniquely qualified to stand up to Madrid's offensive firepower. Backstopped by the legendary Gianluigi Buffon, the Old Lady's back line of Leonardo Bonucci, Giorgio Chiellini, and Andrea Barzagli, in partnership with wingback Dani Alves and defensive midfielder Sami Khedira, have conceded a mere three goals in their 12 matches, with nine clean sheets.

Irresistible force, meet immovable object.

We're not one for predictions here, at least not accurate ones, but Juve's defense has been sick. They blanked Barcelona twice in the quarterfinals, and only a late, inconsequential goal from Monaco's Kylian Mbappe in the final leg of the semifinals kept the Bionconeri from recording shutouts in all six knockout stage matches. It says here that the cup heads to Italy on a late tally from the head of the towering Chiellini.

I wouldn't bet on it, though.

30 comments:

Mark said...

I'm going to Orlando this weekend to watch my nephew play a few Lax games, see my sister and her family and hang out by the pool at a nice hotel/resort. Already figuring out how to ditch my kid family so I can watch this game. May have to settle for just the second half. Or maybe the weather gods will bless me with a mid afternoon thunderstorm (not unlikely in florida during the summer).

Unrelated, we now have an enormous fucking hole in our backyard. First day of work went off without a hitch. Actually, that's not true. The crew hit a sewer line. But they patched it up by days end.

rob said...

i believe a champions league final was the venue for the legendary rob/mark 'onions' bet. fucking tommy smyth.

zman said...

Wise head?

rob said...

old head?

TR said...

I have a work call soon w/ a woman in Mexico City named Cecilia. The only thing in my head right now is "making love in the afternoon w/ Cecilia, up in my bedroom." I should reference that to break the ice, right?

When you think about that song, Cecilia was a real slut. Maybe she was just annoyed Paul was washing his face? Who does that anyway post-coitus? I understand washing the junk and undercarriage, but not the face. Maybe there was a reason/concern Paul had that led him to wash his face? And maybe she was offended and went elsewhere for subsequent carnal satisfaction? It's a tough situation to understand all the way around, I guess.

Mark said...

The UEFA final was indeed the stage for that bet, Rob. I finished off that bottle of Bowman Brothers not too long ago.

Whitney said...

We need more wagers around here.

zman said...

Wager, I hardly know 'er!

TR said...

How about wager on the average size of D-1 softball pitchers? On a scale of 1 to Marlin, how inappropriate is that question? Cuz those are some big, powerful women.

I enjoy watching high level college softball. A lot of hitters have an Ichiro-like strategy of slapping the ball the other way and trying to leg out the single.

Kirstyn Thomas, the 1B from U of Washington, seems nice.

rob said...

tr is feeling it this evening. i enjoy.

rob said...

afternoon, evening. it all runs together for me.

TR said...

Kirstyn Thomas is dating Nigel Williams Goss, a likely 2nd round NBA draftee. Good job by you, Nigel.

And what I'm feeling is train beers, Pouily Fuisse and the feeling I get watching Aaron Judge hit opposite field, 450-ft HRs.

Whitney said...

It would be more interesting if he were dating Kristin Scott Thomas.

TR said...

That would be more in the Mary Kay Leterneau world, but yes - more interesting. KST has lost a few miles on her fastball.

Shlara said...

Guys--the current Bachelorette Rachel dated KD when they were both at UT-Austin.
My two favorite cultural worlds have collided.

rob said...

have you ever tried to take a photo of rachel?

Shlara said...

OMG--you are so mean Rob...

and, on a different topic--every time I think that it's safe to start wearing my Tiger Woods baseball hat again--he does something stupid or tragic or both....

rootsminer said...

This is quite a match. That juve goal, man...

rob said...

mandzukic's strike was great, but navas could've done better.

and madrid just scored. fuck.

rob said...

and again. fuckfuck.

TR said...

Thanks for the spoilers. Dicks.

rob said...

as predicted, my prediction was terrible

zman said...

Replacing the bulb in a headlight has the best ratio of reward to effort of all the easy things a husband can do. You would think I just split the atom. Even the neighbors are impressed.

Whitney said...

I'm impressed all the way from here, Z.

zman said...

All you need is a Phillips-head or torx-head screwdriver, depending on the car. Older cars require no tools. It really is a simple fix.

rob said...

even i am capable of that repair. might be beyond whitney's abilities, though.

Mark said...

I've done that repair a few times too. I never tell my wife how easy it is though. Way, way easier than wiper blades.

zman said...

Wiper blades are easy if you replace the whole assembly. Replacing just the rubber strip is maddening.

T.J. said...

Replacing wiper blades was much harder than I expected. I'm also the least handy dude amongst us

Whitney said...

Challenge extended