Friday, May 27, 2016

Don't Sue Your Customers, Alternatively Titled "Jeffrey Loria is the Least Gheorghe Man Alive This Week"

Law school provides almost zero practical knowledge. I gleaned the most useful nugget, in terms of real-world utility, in my trademarks course: Don't sue your customers. If you sue your customers they won't like you, and if they don't like you they won't be your customers anymore, in which case you'll have no sales and you'll go out of business.

My favorite example of this rule in application is the drug store. Go into any big chain pharmacy and you'll see stuff like this:


On the left are Gillette Venus Tropical ladies' razors. On the right are CVS ladies' razors. Both razors are pink and feature tropical packaging. Gillette, of course, came up with this marketing angle first and CVS knocked it off. They did the same to Schick:


Why do Gillette and Schick tolerate this blatant trade dress infringement? Because CVS buys shitloads of their razors, and if they antagonize CVS then they won't sell as many shitloads of their razors. Here's another egregious example:


Things get pretty brazen in the OTC pharmaceutical space. Not only are the CVS generic products presented in almost identical packaging to the branded product, the CVS boxes say stuff like "Compare to the active ingredient in Prilosec OTC" or "Compare to the active ingredients in Vicks DayQuil."


Not even vaporizers are immune from these shenanigans. Check out this bootleg device:


Why does Procter & Gamble let this slide? Because just about everything P&G makes is purchased at pharmacies, and CVS is a really really big pharmacy chain. If P&G isn't down with CVS then someone else will put their heartburn pills and daytime cold dranks and cheap humidifiers on CVS's shelves.

Remarkably, Jeffrey Loria and the rest of the Miami Marlins ownership group don't seem to understand this basic business principle. I say this because, as rob noted previously, the Marlins sued season ticket holders who backed out of their ticket packages. Some backed out because, at least in part, the Marlins stopped giving them special amenities like private entrances and pole-position parking, amenities that were not included in the season ticket contract but that were promised during the verbal sales pitch.


Now I understand that a contract means what it says, that people put things in writing because they intend for both parties to live up to their promises, and that there have to be repercussions when people breach. So I get why the Marlins want to be made whole when a corporation bails on a luxury box. That said, what type of donkey-brained moron goes after individuals who buy two-seat packages? Especially when the team starts pulling back promised perks in order to save money. Not even Dan Snyder would be so stupid as to ... oh wait ... scratch that. Well, at least Snyder dropped the suit.

This is a remarkably short-sighted move by the Marlins. Fifty inch smart HD TVs cost less than $750 and they can be used to stream any live baseball game being played anywhere in the world. No one has to leave the comfort of their home to watch a game. There are also other things to do in Miami beyond watching baseball, like watching the Panthers/Dolphins/Heat, or actually playing sports in the year-round awesome weather, or boating/surfing/swimming/fishing in the ocean, or enjoying Miami's fantastic night life, or doing other things that you can do anywhere like read a book, go to the movies, Netflix and chill, etc. Why the hell should anyone give tens of thousands of dollars to some wealthy jackass who might very well sue you if you lose your job and don't have the disposable income to pay for baseball tickets?

So screw you Jeffrey Loria. You are the least Gheorghe man alive this week.

49 comments:

rob said...

zjurisprudence is one of my favorite recurring bits

zman said...

My new least-favorite workplace jargon: workflow and workflows. What the hell does that mean?

Mark said...

You left out 'copious amounts of cocaine' on your list of things to do in Miami. Major oversight, Z.

My Memorial Day weekend is looking much less enjoyable than I expected 24 hours ago. The work crew that was supposed to be done with our bathroom yesterday is not yet done and I seem to have contracted some sort of GI virus that's resulted in the chills, cramping and plenty of cha cha cha if you know what I mean. Fucking. Bullshit. All of it.

Mark said...

I saw Zman's post in real life today. I went with standard Pepto Bismol though.

zman said...

Sounds like you have some serious workflow.

Marls said...

Paul Karyia, cha cha cha

Marls said...

Zedman, "workflow" has been part of the corporatespeak lexicon for a while now. I have moved on to hating "contingent workforce" and "unique selling proposition".

T.J. said...

Have heard this one way too many times lately: "there's a lot to unpack here"

Half the time it's not even a complex issue or conversation, making it double annoying.

Clarence said...

We're smart. Let's make up some annoying workspeak and have it catch on internationally. Especially in Romania.

zman said...

Every time we start a new project there's a kickoff meeting. How about a puck drop meeting. Or a tipoff meeting. Or a first pitch meeting.

rob said...

let's promulgate cromulence

TR said...

Zman and I shop at the same pharmacy (hope those warts on your gennies are clearing up!), and it amuses me to think he was in there, rearranging products on shelves so he could take photos.

zman said...

Yes. The pharmacist asked me to remind you that your Valtrex prescription is ready for pickup.

TR said...

Yeah, I had too much cheese in my taco.

Marls said...

Cheese is gross on a tuna taco

rootsminer said...

Broadcast of DC United-KC Rain delay in Spanish is more interesting than the second half of game 6 of eastern conf. finals.

US networks would air so many commercials. Univision is showing people dancing in the rain for loooong stretches. Aside from the fact that Drake's not there it's kind of awesome.

Clarence said...

A little cheese on the taco is fine. It's the lettuce that'll kill you. Nothing green in the gulley.

rob said...

words to live by right there. unless you dig on the avocado.

zman said...

Beware the red onion.

zman said...

I think I need to quit drinking.

rob said...

son of a bitch, gimme a drink

rob said...

zedman, this will get your brain cells sparking again: https://www.wired.com/2016/05/world-self-driving-cars-well-still-need-miatas/

zman said...

I miss my Miata for all the reasons set forth in that article. Everyone who likes to drive should have a roadster at one point in their lives. If everyone wants to play Connect Four while traveling, why not take the train?

rob said...

who is working on the annual gtb memorial day post?

rob said...

sorta annual, i guess would be more accurate

Whitney said...

I'm busy growing my beard and preparing for another Abe gig in DC Monday.

Really I'm busy drinking beer on the beach in the 757. Happy summer kickoff. And to think, last night was Summer's Eve. At least it smelled like it.

Shlara said...

I mean...how can you NOT love Steven Adams:
"He recently began pitching his own signature mustache-styling wax, made by Handmade La Conner, with a scent of oakmoss and whiskey with a hint of roseweed essential oil."

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/28/sports/basketball/steven-adams-oklahoma-city-thunder-nba-playoffs.html?emc=edit_th_20160528&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=59612748

rob said...

in 30 minutes, the richest match in soccer kicks off. hull are playing sheffield wednesday to determine who gets the final championship promotion to the premier league. the winning team get an estimated $150m bump for making it to the top flight. the loser, bupkis.

Whitney said...

Dick Bupkis. Monster of the Mipway.

zman said...

I'm the king Ap Whappy.

Whitney said...

Nice, Z

Daaaaaaaaa Pears

Danimal said...

Who's watching jmu softball? I am!

Danimal said...

Just heard chili peppers' dark necessities. Yes please....more of that.

TR said...

So that Ronaldo guy is pretty chubby, huh?

Danimal said...

Wkd of Dan started at 0800. Productivity followed by The Wire season 4 binge watching coupled with Moscow mules in complete and utter silence.

zman said...

Ronaldo gave you a chubby?

TR said...

As part of "TR's family does Manhattan" w/e, we met another family at a giant family-style BBQ place. 4 adults and 5 kids. All kids immediately become unruly upon being seated b/c...kids. Dad charges at the spicy pepper margaritas. Wife decides to drink like an adult, and starts judging me.

Family now in cab. Dad is suffering from premature brisket fat-induced sweating while wondering how much damage 3 pints of margaritas can do. Both kids have to piss and we're in bumper-to-bumper traffic on 6th Ave b/c....street fair. Vacation!

zman said...

You missed a turd in the kiddie pool for this?

TR said...

Dude, we had the "All Access" MSG tour, and a matinee viewing of Matilda (wife's call). How jealous are you? Slightly better than standing knee deep in a urine-drenched kiddie pool w/ a Bud Light can in my hand. But the closure of 8th Ave from 42-50 was a killer.

zman said...

Code brown happened before I even got to stand in the urine. So I hung out in a narrow strip of shade with my daughter and a water table, sweating like Patrick Ewing.

rob said...

tribe baseball squad was down 8-1 heading into the top of the 9th in today's caa tournament final. scored 7 to tie it before tropical storm rains halted play. resumes tomorrow, weather permitting.

rob said...

christian pulisic just scored for the usmnt. he's 17.

TR said...

Fatty brisket...there's no escaping the consequences. At least it's halftime.

rob said...

i know the writing's been on the wall for some time, but i'm still stunned golden state's going to lose this series.

Mark said...

Hi, Rob. Not over just yet. Thanks, in no small measure, to how awful Durant has been offensively tonight.

TR said...

Klay's cantaloupe-sized balls during the second half were as big a factor as anything. And you knew Russ was due to come back to earth after 10 assists and 1 turnover midway through the 3rd qtr.

Hard to see OKC come back in Game 7.

rob said...

pretty happy with my reverse jinx action there

rob said...

hello, gheorghies. game 7 on memorial day will be most excellent.

Mark said...

KD was 10-31 with 11 turnovers. That's atrocious. He was as bad as Klay was good. And Steph was pretty solid defensively despite Russ acting like he was trash last game.

By the time this game rolled around, I started openly rooting for GSW. Too many people acting like everything they've accomplished was fraudulent. And I like KD, Russ, Donovan. I really do.

Klay was a god damned assassin though.