Friday, November 30, 2012

Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti

From the desk of Clarence...

A study arrived today from the Division of Cancer Epidemiology and Genetics at the National Cancer Institute that indicates that aspirin helps prevent liver cancer.  So, when you're feeling hung over during the holiday season, pop some Bayer and double the benefit.  Do not, mind you, take a bunch of Tylenol when you are hung over.  Not kidding here, as acetaminophen and alcohol can shut down your liver and kill you.  So take aspirin, or just pour a Bloody Mary and quit your bitching.

Many people's livers take a bit of a beating during the holiday season.  For others, it's really all winter, what with the cold weather -- who doesn't love a winter warmer?  Nog and whiskey, hot toddies, or my favorite, the Irish coffee, all hit the spot during those months spent by the fire.  Here's a little more info for the home mixologists out there.

Irish Coffee
For the uninformed, there are many solid Irish coffee recipes, including The Dubliner's (coffee, lump of brown sugar, Jameson, fresh whipped cream), but you can find joy in a very basic recipe:
  • Jamo (Bushmills for the Protestants out there... I was raised Whiskey-palian but John Jameson brings out the altar boy in me... I mean... uh...)
  • coffee
  • Reddi-whip
  • Bailey's if you're a bit soft, which I often am
These are all things you should have on hand.  Especially the Reddi-whip, either in your kitchen fridge or your college-sizer under the bedside table.  True fact: after applying some Reddi-whip to my third slice of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving night at the future in-laws', I decided some whippets with a couple of family members were in order.  Never too old.

On a snow day (or a Tuesday if you work for the Federal government), try the "Irish triplets": Irish Coffee, pint of Guinness, and an Irish whiskey on the rocks.  Taking sips from each in turn is a delight to the palate, a unique sensation of hot/cold to your body, and an invitation to snap (but accurate) judgments from onlookers.  Don't be shy.  You only live once.

Hot Toddy
Like the Irish Coffee and just about every other cocktail with more than two ingredients (Teedge, stay with me), there are many deviations from the basic recipe based on personal taste and what's in your cupboard.  Also like the Mickey Joseph, you can make a good one very simply:
  • hot tea
  • whiskey
  • honey or lemon if you are a pinky-raiser, which I often am
Whiskey can mean bourbon, Irish, blended, whatever.  Scotch sounds odd, but I'm not a Scotch guy, so go for it if you are.  Rum or brandy will also suffice, but really, if you actually have brandy, you should use that to make Stingers (adding white creme de menthe) before courting your lady (it's like frickin' Scope) and then cap off the evening with the Toddy.    Ask Rob about the night of 17 rounds of Stingers at the Copper Top Lounge in Williamsburg the night before he left college for good to go work for the fraternity.  It's the only time I've seen him put a girl in a headlock.  (Yes, of course she was tiny.  She's now "the legs" for a magic show in Short Pump, VA.)

"What kind of tea?" you ask, just to make this unbelievably simple drink more complicated.  Who cares?  Chamomile, Earl Grey, China Black, even Green.  Okay, with green you might want to mix sake or something.  I don't know much about tea blends, I only know what I like during air travel.  Wait for it... I don't like the Pan Am coffee, but I sure do like the TWA tea.  A classic for the ages, only repeated because with both airlines out of business, that joke may go completely extinct by the time we turn 60.  It's my mission to keep it on life support.

Hot Buttered Rum
Nobody drinks this one, but it's pretty good.  You have to like rum, and, well, if you don't, your problems go well beyond this recipe.  Heat it up and add some butter -- you can cut the rum with some hot water if you have to drive or if you are namby to your life-partner's pamby.  Otherwise, it's fucking rum and butter.  Enjoy.  Add some spices for flavor -- the obvious ones like nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves and brown sugar, not cumin and cayenne, morons. 
The key is probably the rum you choose.  Bacardi Light is a poor option, you need more flavor.  Gosling's from Bermuda is my all-timer, but frankly it goes away so fast from Dark and Stormys in a pint glass (so damn good) that I can never keep it handy.  Appleton is nice if you've come straight from Dunn's River Falls, but if you're like me, you pounded two bottles with your 18-year-old girlfriend at the fraternity formal and then she barfed at the table and then you said condescendingly, "Oh, my god, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever [gurgle gurgle]--" and then you barfed directly on the back of her head.  Of course.  True story... that Catholic whiskey induces confessional today, I swear.  Anyway, those Appleton bottles of mine are long gone, but anything spiced in the rum aisle will get you a tasty drink.

Anyone out there ever have the Bacardi Torched Cherry rum with Coke?  Someone brought it to our beach house last summer, and as soon as I was done mocking it, I had one and then drank half the bottle.  Like punched-up Cherry Coke, dangerously delicious on a par with the sweet tea vodka.  ER visits must abound from that stuff.  It's in the Girl Drink Drunk category, but good shit is good shit, whether you deserve a little umbrella in it or not.

Tom and Jerry
No, not the cartoon.  No, not the Wheelhouse/GTB heads of state.  This is like hot egg nog with booze, but instead of buying the nog, you have to make it.  Too much work for your casual alcoholic.  I'm thinking you could warm up some egg nog, but it might curdle.  I don't know.  Skip this one unless you're in some hoity-toity gin mill and some hotshot barkeep wants to hit on your best girl by displaying his skills in mixology.  Then drink the Tom and Jerry and go home and make sweet, sweet love to her as she thinks about him.  You both win.

Wassail
Come on.  Way too much work.  Maybe you go to a colleague's holiday party and they have a crystal tub of it.  Otherwise, skip it.  Unless you're married to Martha Stewart.  In which case, both of you drink a shitload of it and have some kinky crepe-and ricotta-slathered sex-capade in the four-poster and use her house arrest ankle bracelet as some sort of cockring.  Enjoy.

Hot Apple Pie
Get your Tennessee cousin to make apple pie moonshine.  That's the hard part.  Microwave it.  Add whipped cream.  Get 911 drunk and pull bits of broken glass out of the sleeve of your Christmas sweater the next day while nursing your hangover.  I actually just made this "recipe" up right now, but damn, it sounds good.  That apple pie moonshine is fucking good shit ("pardon my Francais, but fucking shit!"), and those who've had it can corroborate.  Actually, I have a jar of straight moonshine in my laundry room from 18 months ago.  It can't actually "go bad," right?  I mean, it already did, right?  I need the recipe to make it apple pie flavored.  Only in the era of the World Wide Web could I go get it that fast.  Just got it.  Look out, mama, there's a whit boat coming up the river.

Well, there's a bunch of other hot drinks involving peppermint and cocoa and many other favorites.  There are also holiday drinks served cold, like something I had called a Christmas cookie which was delicious but made me start ogling and then pawing the hostess's sweater steaks, so beware.  I know, like (the other) Cooley sang, it don't make you do a thing, it just lets you.  But stick to the shit where you can taste the booze in it and let your gag reflex be your guide.  Look, two weekends ago a friend's wife sat on my lap as I was telling a story and began doing the satin pants cheek search for life on my planet as the husband said out loud that I owed him one.  A lesser man would have sprung to life and embarrassed everyone involved, and by lesser I mean younger and more virile.  As it was, I stood up with the story's punchline and my junk (often one and the same) intact.  Had I been throwing back something with more ingredients, you just never know.  And that, my friends, is one to grow on.  Grow one.

Okay, so back to the point of this brief chat: your liver.  Concerned Clarence the Clown Who Cares will now provide you a list of 14 foods that cleanse the liver, as lifted from the Global Healing Center. 
  1. Garlic
  2. Grapefruit
  3. Beets and Carrots
  4. Green Tea
  5. Leafy Green Vegetables
  6. Avocados
  7. Apples
  8. Olive Oil
  9. Whole Grains
  10. Cruciferous Vegetables
  11. Lemons and Limes
  12. Walnuts
  13. Cabbage
  14. Turmeric
I kept looking for "rare porterhouse" and "hollandaise," but alas, no dice.  So, based on this, you can feel good eating guacamole, slaw on your 'cue, and garlic in your scampi.  Also, drink green tea toddies, apple pie moonshine, and greyhounds.  (More of them.)  Oh, people, "cruciferous vegetables" are broccoli and cauliflower and the like.  'Cause that's what Jesus ate.  (An oft-overlooked parable was how Jesus cleared the cathedral of noxious fumes that humid day.)

You're welcome, and happy drinking! 





97 comments:

Danimal said...

great stuff.

mark - i look forward to your ron z. feedback.

rob said...

dropped this post at 4:05 on a friday, did you? dick.

rob said...

after reading it, i'm willing to forgive you.

zman said...

Whiskey is harder to keep than a woman.

rob said...

ron is in the building

Jerry said...

Things you learn while trying to improve your terrible fantasy basketball team on a Friday evening. Danny Green and Kyle Korver have ridiculously identical stat lines this year.

rob said...

17 rounds of stingers. pretty impressive performance, if i recall correctly. which i don't.

Dave said...

informative and totally irrelevant for me. i will make none of these drinks. cold beer works all year round.

i did appreciate the "girl drink drunk" reference.

rob said...

a link might've been nice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GW22sAElpE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Mark said...

Haven't read the whole post yet but I like where it's going. In fact, I saw the mention of Redi-Whip and thought to myself, "Won't work for me. I took whippets off mine last weekend" Guess I'll have to get another can." Then I read on and saw what Clarence did last weekend. Good to know I'm not the only degenerate.

rob said...

gheorghetown beat tennessee, 37-36. in basketball. played indoors.

Mark said...

I'm generally in favor of black alternate uniforms but I just can't get behind Stanford's black unis. No bueno.

rob said...

not looking good for kent state. i blame jerry.

on the plus side, glass of ron now sitting next to me. the smell is not what i would expect from rum - far more complex.

Marls said...

Welcome back Clarence. You have been missed.

Marls said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rob said...

suck up

Marls said...

Show up in NYC and I might suck up to you too. Had you been here tonight, you could have been interviewed by NPR about nanobrewing.

rob said...

i shall be there in early january. please try to line up some interviews for me.

rob said...

34-34, late 4th, mac championship. don't care who you're supporting, but this is drama.

rob said...

vcu's larry sanders had a triple double tonight for the bucks. 10 points, 12 boards, 10 blocks against the t-wolves. hey now!

TR said...

Just finished watching The Comedy. It is not a comedy. Not sure what it is, but I'm pretty sure I want those 90 minutes of my life back. Wife is not happy with me for misguidingly pushing it on her.

rob said...

last sentence applies to multiple use cases.

Mark said...

And now you're screwed and hAve to watch one of her picks. Bumming.

rob said...

no team as badly coached as kent state was in that game should be in the bcs.

TR said...

Lakers missing the playoffs would be awesome. This thing could stay sour for a while.

TR said...

Galinari just had his greatest dunk ever. Mi piace, as they say in the old country.

zman said...

It's true. You are Brock landers.

rob said...

mls cup at the same time as the sec title game. neat.

Jerry said...

That Gallinari dunk was ridiculous.

Watching UNC games in the 90's who would've believed there would've believed there would be a time in the distant future where Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, and Antawn Jamison would be on TV playing basketball and doing very little other than chucking 3 pointers?

rob said...

nats non-tendered john lannan last right. had to do it, but a bummer for a guy who was such a rock for them when they were dreadful. hope he does well for his next squad.

rob said...

just noticed the gallbladder picture in this post. not cool, man.

Jerry said...

ACC Championship - 42 tickets available at $2 on stubhub. 550 at $6 or less.

rob said...

jay glazer is reporting a chiefs player and one other person were shot at the team facility this morning. the fuck?

Mark said...

Rob- shouldn't you have a dance recital of some nature to attend today?

And I have absolutely no idea who to root for in the SEC CG today?

rob said...

tomorrow, mark - nutcracker, in more ways than one. today, though. i shall luxuriate in some football - both kinds.

rob said...

tribe are 3 point favorites at home versus odu tonight. that's...unusual.

Marls said...

Take the points and the under.

Mark said...

Re: SECCG, I think it's a pretty close game. Comes down to the QBs IMO. Murray was awful against the best defenses he's seen this year ( South Carolina and Florida). He's got to have a big game for UGA to win. McCartney is improved but was shaky at times against both LSU and A&M. UGA is more talented defensively than either of those teams and Bama's WRs are banged up. He's going to need to make some plays on 3rd down.

rob said...

mccartney was never the same after george died. mccarron, though, is a pretty proven big game qb. think it'll be really tight.

Mark said...

Didn't take long for Jarvis Jones to make an impact. Best player on the field today.

Mark said...

Disagree on McCarron being "proven". He was awful until the final drive against LSU and not very good against A&M. He was good in last year's title game but that's the only big game he impressed me.

Mark said...

Going up to local beer snob bar to watch the game. Bella's Two Hearted and the SEC Championship? Don't mind if I do.

rob said...

alabama's tackling leaves something to be desired thus far

Mark said...

That's been the interesting thing about the way Bama's been covered this year. They've been treated like they have the same dominant defense as last year. They don't, nor should they since they lost multiple All-Americans off of last year's team.

rob said...

it's the saban = genius thing

Mark said...

That has a lot to do with it. As do the multiple #1 recruiting classes.

TR said...

Headed to fancypants Xmas party with wife. Theme is "elegant with a hint of red." Sounds like a blast.

The husband is Scottish and the wife is Italian. Odds of SEC being on TV are about 69,000 to 1.

rob said...

that's an unforced error, mccartney

TR said...

Are the Chiefs gonna actually play tomorrow?

Danimal said...

Chiefs game on tomorrow.
Go tide.

zman said...

I could make a lot of crass jokes about what TR will wear to an "elegant with a hint of red" party but this is a fambly blog so I shan't.

Clarence said...

It could be argued that McCartney hasn't been the same since John died, though there was some good stuff about a decade ago.

I am headed to a black tie fundraiser tonight. Not a fun one, but open bar is open bar. I just got out of bed from last night. Could be ugly.

Danimal said...

A girly but pretty good holiday-ish cocktail i just whipped up for the wife. Baileys caramel....cake flavored vodka. Almond soy milk. Shaker....you know the drill.

Danimal said...

Wolfson likes her leather heh fellas?

Mark said...

Berman likes Wolfson.

Danimal said...

I will assume clarence is in Hawaii

zman said...

Danimal likes his soy milk.

Mark said...

My buddy Schmitt bought tickets to the SEC CG the week of the cocktail party. We are all blaming him for Florida not leading the SEC CG right now.

Mark said...

Soy milk...you made my da-aaay.

zman said...

I only drink the finest soy milks.

rob said...

mrmph

zman said...

They call PI on uncatchable passes in CFB?

Mark said...

Zman completes me.

Danimal said...

Mark, who did you decide to root for if anyone?

Soy!

rob said...

beckham removed for a sub in injury time - very cool moment

Mark said...

Lacy is gashing UGA. Bama's Oline is doing work.

Mark said...

Not really rooting for anyone. Just watching football. My hate. She is too strong.

rob said...

mark is right about mccarron, unfortunately. hoping it won't matter.

rob said...

ohhhhhhhhh! shut up, rob!

Mark said...

Just came here to say McCarron is clutch. LSU was no fluke. Big time throw there.

rob said...

too much time

rob said...

tribe up 1 at the half.

rob said...

wooooooo!!!

rob said...

yikes, that's coming back

rob said...

huuuuge sigh of relief. roll tide!

Mark said...

Nice catch, Georgia.

rob said...

starting to see tweets that rick majerus has died. bummer. not many people loved the game as much as that guy.

Jerry said...

Thank you Alabama for preventing a UGA-ND national title game. That would've been Phillies-Yankees all over again.

I don't really think Bama is that good this year though. They're still a top 5 team, but not the force they've been in some recent seasons. Both UGA and Bama benefited from their inter-divisional SEC schedule. Before today one could make a legitimate argument that Bama was the 6th best team in the conference if you just base it on the outcomes of the games.

Of course you could also make a legitimate argument that the 6 best teams in the country are in the SEC.

Mark said...

Jerry just hit on the underrated story of the SEC season. Bama and UGA had that two easiest schedules in the SEC this year.

And I still think UGA should've clocked it on first down.

Mark said...

Re: Rick Majerus. It's a miracle he's lived this long. Not many people in sports cared less about their health than that guy.

rob said...

tribe 71, odu 62. first win over the monarchs in 10 tries. dig it.

Mark said...

I think it's odd how this Jovan Belcher murder-suicide is being handled. He's borderline being honored with tributory tweets being shown and soft Tom Rinaldi style music. Ummm, he murdered someone...

Clarence said...

Hi, Gheorgies!!

mayhugh said...

The Belcher story seems to have been severely mishandled. Everyone was in such a rush to break this [very sad] story, there were a lot of versions of what had happened. A lot of information initially reported (where the events took place, who was involved, who the witnesses were) has apparently turned out to be wrong. Reporters could not determine whether it was Belcher's mother or his girlfriend's, for example.

I agree with Mark that the ESPN coverage has taken a far too nostalgic tone. The guy took a life, caused a mini-panic at the Chiefs' complex, and they are putting his DOB-DOD as if in celebration or at least recognition. They usually don't do that for guys who kill people.

TR said...

How much did the Chiefs-Panthers line move y/day?

rob said...

if northern illinois sneaks in - and it's a decent bet that they will - this will easily be the worst slate of games in the history of the bcs.

Dave said...

didn't think of it, but cat and i actually beat out clarence last night . . . we didn't get home until three.

now it's time for me and cat to run the parent/ kid soccer game and party. please kill me.

zman said...

Belcher also made his infant child an orphan. Bad story all around.

I suspect that Belcher is getting the kid glove treatment due to heightened sensitivity to head injuries, and the fact that habitually concussed athletes are prone to killing themselves. ESPN has to report on the story, and they likely prefer to wait until all the data are in before condemning the guy, hence the current coverage tone.

zman said...

Carolina was a 3 point favorite in my pool on Wednesday, now they seem to be 4.5 or 5 point favorites.

Mark said...

You're probably right, Z. But there's a way to handle the story cautiously without honoring a murderer.

And Northern Illinois isn't getting in. Stop it, Rob. Just stop it.

Mark said...

And I disagree on the worst slate of BCS games ever comment. Not even close.

FSU-Louisville is the most appealing Orange Bowl game in years. Florida-Oklahoma in the Sugar is good, as is Kansas State-Oregon in the Fiesta. The Rose Bowl matchup will be poop but that was always going to be the case with the way the Big Ten played out this year.

rob said...

fsu/louisville being the most appealing orange bowl game in years is more of an indictment of recent orange bowls than an endorsement.

Mark said...

That we can agree on.

zman said...

A plethora of bad sartorial decisions on display at the new meadowlands today. And Sanchez sucks.

Mark said...

So now it's sound like there's a legit chance NIU will make the BCS. 1. Screw you, Rob. 2. That's a joke if NIU get in. No, not a joke. A traveshamockery.

zman said...

McElroy! McElroy!

Mark said...

As much I as think its bullshit that NIU is making the BCS, I'm cool with Florida playing Louisville in the Sugar Bowl.