Sunday, September 02, 2012

Fan Free Agency: The First Ten

Despite the doubts of the masses (read: the Teej) and my recognition that not everyone in the sporting world will understand my decision (for instance, I can already hear that Neanderthal fuckstick Rob Dibble calling me a a gutless, disloyal punk, but I move on, knowing that most geniuses were misunderstood in their time), I'm pressing forward into fan free agency. I've adopted at least part of Jerry's genius idea, and turning this week into a festival. I trust the drama is palpable.

Today, the first elimination round. These ten teams really never had a chance, and even if I decide to make this an annual event, complete with cheerleaders, live television, and (obviously) daydrinking, the odds of one of this group ever rising to the top are long, indeed.

Philadelphia Eagles

As a former Redskins fan, I was told that I was supposed to hate the Cowboys more than anything on Earth. And while I worked up a strong dislike for Dallas, I always had more visceral disdain for the Eagles. I think it has something (everything) to do with the mouth-breathing troglodytes that make up 96.4% of their fanbase. Oddly, the $20 I put on Philly to win this season's Super Bowl at 10-1 may well have been a sign that I was ready to let the Skins go.

Dallas Cowboys

Despite the fact that I dislike the Eagles more, the Cowboys are still a bunch of preening jerks, from the top down.

New York Giants

I can't ever root for an NFC East team - too much history - but if I was forced to choose one, it'd be the Giants. I like Eli Manning. I like that W&M's own Adrian Tracy made the roster. I appreciate Tom Coughlin's single-minded insanity. But I'll still never root for this team.

Arizona Cardinals

If I'm breaking up with Washington because its owner is a megalomaniacal asshat, I can't very well root for a Bill Bidwell squad, can I?

Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jags have the worst uniforms in professional sports. They play in a city that really isn't big league, by any measure, except for the quality of the people I know that live there (much love, Danimal, sister-o-mine, my brother-in-law, and my nieces and nephews). And though their owner has a world-class mustache and excellent hair, I really don't see it.

New York Jets

I get more than enough drama from my baseball rooting interest, thank you very much.

Tennessee Titans

If the word 'meh' were an NFL franchise, it'd be Tennessee.

Oakland Raiders

This team employed Lane Kiffin. It's been living off a decades-old reputation for badassery, which translates to modern times as a penchant for penalties and stupid football. I had my fill of that as a former Redskins fan.

Baltimore Ravens

Charm City's got such an inferiority complex. I don't need that sort of thing messing up my worldview.

Atlanta Falcons

There may not be a worse group of sports fans than those in Atlanta. I have no particular need to be a part of that.

The tension builds as fanbases across the league await tomorrow's selection post, where I eliminate 10 more teams, and break multiple hearts. Make sure you take some time from your Labor Day celebrations to tune in. Still time to make a pitch for your team, unless you root for one of the ten losers above.


zman said...

96.4%? Really? C'mon.

zman said...

You should root for the Bills because they don't put fluoride in the water in Buffalo. Here's proof:

That's the best pitch I can make on their behalf.

rob said...

higher, right?

rob said...

i could totally blow everyone's mind and pick a canadian football team.

zman said...

Sharapova makes the Tennis Network worth the monthly fee.

rob said...

jimmy connors is 60. that makes clarence...really old.

Mr. Truck said...

it would be lame if there was another G:TB giants fan, but i think, just because of proximity, you should reconsider the baltimore ravens. also, once you make your choice, will you invent some sort of fictitious backstory of your history of fandom with the team. i think that would be a great post.

G:TB said...

rob, Jonathan Grimes is on the Texans practice squad